Original subtitles

Life could be a dream.

If I could take you to paradise up above.

John.

John,

go.

No, we just got left at the altar.

Man, I really thought she loved me.

Is that the bouquet?

Yeah, I caught it. She...

Chucked it out the window when she was peeling out.

Looks like I'm next.

That car was a rental.

It's going to cost me 15 cents a mile all the way down to New Orleans.

Drew, was it selfish of me to tell you that I have feelings for you? No, no.

I have feelings for you, too. I just was expressing them by marrying another

woman.

Man, Drew.

Drew. We are so, so sorry Lily took off like that.

Yeah. So sad we started drinking.

And?

We got so mad at Lily that we ran around and took all the lilies out of the

centerpieces.

Then we stuffed them in the toilet and flushed.

Long story short, the lobby's flooding.

So? So I think we've shown you that we're on your side. Yeah.

Hey! Yeah?

Could we go down to Mexico and stay in your honeymoon suite?

You paid for it already.

Is that what you came in here for? I don't want you in my honeymoon bed.

We could really use the getaway. You know, we're awfully tired from planning

this whole wedding. You didn't plan it? I planned this whole thing myself.

I think the open bar was our suggestion.

Would you just get out? Leave me alone right now, okay? You have to leave me

alone.

Let it go, buddy. He's always got to win.

Drew, you don't have to... We have to decide right now if we're friends or

than friends, you know?

Friends plus, now with added sex?

Sorry, I'm just confused too.

That is for two as you go and go out the kitchen.

Hey,

Ma.

Hey, did you... Did that cab show up? I told those guys.

You missed your flight.

Well, I just had to stay for a couple of days.

A little extra time with my son would be nice.

Aren't you worried that Dad's going to be catting around with every hottie at

the senior center?

I am not worried at all. I took his blue pills with me.

How are you holding up now that that little tramp walked out on you

You know, it was just like watching a public castration.

Wow. I was searching for just the right word there, but you found it.

How long are you planning on staying?

Well, I don't think this is a good time for you to be alone right now. I just

wish there was somebody, somebody else that could keep you company.

Somebody that you trust.

Uh, Oswald and Lois? No.

Steve? Kelly! Stop playing games. You know it's Kelly.

Look, Kelly and I may just be friends at this point. You know, I don't know. I

need time to sort things out.

I once lost a wonderful man because I needed to sort things out.

You could have been.

Half Hawaiian, you know.

Great. The Don Ho story again.

Look, I can't rush things. I rushed things with Lily. It turned out to be a

disaster.

Fine. Sorry for loving you.

Hello? Bula.

That's me, Drew.

Oh, sorry your wedding went to crap.

Put your mother on it.

Yeah, hey, Mom.

It's Dad.

Not again. He calls every ten minutes.

When is he coming back? I can't find a can opener.

I'm going to starve here.

He says he loves you. He wants to take you dancing.

I told him there was a can opener in the top drawer by the stove.

I'm a veteran, damn it.

I just want to muck and mire a Korean gentleman.

George, no.

into the house to steal the butter.

He wants to talk to you, Drew.

Yeah, I'll call back as soon as I get back from my honeymoon.

Charge us to the room, Mr. Carey?

You bet.

Another lobster tail, Lily?

Oh, I knew marrying you was a good idea. You take such good care of me.

Uh -oh. What?

Follow my lead.

you are.

I've been looking all over Mexico for you. How dare you steal Drew's honeymoon

and run up a huge tab?

Oh.

Front desk asked me to tell you that the rose petals are clogging the jacuzzi

tub, but not to do that anymore.

A beer for our friend.

Gee, Drew, we're surprised to see you here.

I'll bet.

Had to come down here for a few days, get my mind off Lily.

Drew, this is getting kind of heavy, and we're on vacation.

Hey, there's Carmelita, the girl I met last night.

Isn't it ironic the one girl who finally falls in love with me doesn't

understand a word I'm saying?

That's irony, right?

What a night.

We had dinner, walked along the beach, made love in a hammock.

Strange.

Last night I had dinner, went for a walk along the beach, hid behind a tree and

watched a couple make love in a hammock.

Carmelita, I want you to meet Drew and this is Louis.

These are my friends, my amigos.

Ah, da igual.

Tendré sexo con usted y con sus amigos por 100, 200 dólares.

I think she could be the one.

Hey, Carmelita, you want to go horseback riding on the beach?

You know... Excuse

me, Mr. Carey. Your fishing boat's ready for

you. We're going after shark.

They put up the best fight.

The machine guns you asked for are on the boat.

Hey, uh, can I get that beard?

So, how's your vacation going?

Oh, it's not.

I'm, uh...

I'm actually down here trying to figure out what to do about a woman.

See, we were best friends and... And now you have feelings for each other and

you don't know what to... Yeah, well, now that you've reduced my problems to a

cliche... Do you have any advice?

I see lovers come in here with new loves. But friends, they always come

with the same friends.

If you want to keep this woman in your life, keep her as a friend.

Well, that's the best advice I've heard since this whole thing started.

Mr. Carey, guys, is he going to get in any trouble if you shoot somebody with

that machine gun?

You're actually in jail, man. That's no joke. No, it isn't.

All right. Hey,

Drew. Hey.

How was Mexico?

Oh, great. I got my picture taken on a donkey that was painted like a zebra.

I guess you can't visit the Mayan ruins. That's the next best thing.

Yeah.

Hey, listen.

I did a lot of thinking while I was down in Mexico, and I decided that I really,

really care for you.

Yeah, I care about you.

Yeah, no, let me finish. You're my best friend.

You're amazing.

You're my best friend. You're amazing.

And I was thinking, you know, what if my girlfriend was also my best friend, and

my best friend was my girlfriend?

Yeah. Yeah, and I thought, man, that is a recipe for disaster.

What? What if it didn't work out?

I would lose you as a friend.

And that's too important to me. I don't think I could handle that.

Yeah.

I certainly see your point, Drew.

And I do value our friendship. Right.

That probably makes the most sense. Right.

So, what's it going to be with you two? Slapping ass or shaking hands?

Drew and I... decided that we're just gonna go back to being friends.

Oh. Uh -huh.

Go back.

Well, you'd be the first people to make that work because you can't put the

snake back in the can.

Snake never went into the can or left the can. There was no snake -can

interaction.

Yeah, look, we were friends before. There's no reason we can't be friends

Really? No reason? Well, here's one off the top of my head.

He's off trying to figure out what to do while you're here buying fancy

underwear. Then he comes back, lays down the law, and you're supposed to be good

with that?

You've got to be resentful as hell.

That's going to fester.

The wings are up. I've got to go.

Dad? I came to bring your mother home. Now, I've been here an hour. Now, where

is she? Try looking upstairs.

I climbed hills in Korea. I'm not walking upstairs.

Ma! Yes, dear?

You come back to Florida and make me a sandwich.

George, I told you not to come.

I forgot my PIN number. I can't get any money.

I'm living on cheese samples from the supermarket.

Are you wearing my warm -up suit? It's the only thing in the house that wasn't

filthy. Now, let's go.

I'm just not... ready to go back yet. Well, you know, actually, everything's

really okay. You know, with me and Kelly now, if you want to both go.

Oh, that's wonderful, Drew.

When is your first date?

Uh, Tuesday.

Who goes out on a Tuesday?

You're lying.

What? How dare you?

Yeah, I'm lying.

Look,

we're just going to be friends, all right? Can you just both go?

I can't go home because you're obviously not in your right mind.

You heard the boy! He wants to die alone. It's his right.

Thank you, Dad.

Hey, Drew.

Oswald, I thought you'd be down in Mexico making babies with Carmelita.

I thought you'd be watching.

Ah, Drew, it just wasn't gonna work out. We're from different worlds, oceans

apart.

So I just left the note and snuck out.

I still don't understand why we had to leave so quickly. One minute I'm soaking

in a bathtub full of rose petals, and suddenly it's, we gotta go, we gotta go.

It ruined the whole vacation.

And all the way home.

She doesn't understand.

Couldn't face her.

I was getting some weird vibes from her family.

Frankly, her sister's dressed like whores. She's got this huge threatening

brother who's always taking all their money.

Hey, so, anything happening with you and Kelly?

Nothing.

Apparently, Drew just wants that beautiful woman who loves him to be his

You know what I think?

I think love is the scam invented by the greeting card industry.

It's a crutch for the weak, like Social Security is for old people.

Hey!

Hey!

You know, if it wasn't for some of us, you'd all be speaking Korean.

German.

Or Apache.

Oh, God, I'm starving.

We're not here to fix Lewis.

We can't fix something that God gave up on.

You can help Drew.

Well, if Drew finds half the happiness I had with Carmelita, well, he'd be half

as happy as I was.

Even Oswald, he understands this. Now, you should listen to him, Drew.

Drew?

Now, if you had the third of the happiness I had with Carmelita, well,

would be less than half.

I know.

Three is bigger than two.

Doesn't make any sense to me either.

Hey, Kelly, I'm turning that bookie alone.

But it was a birthday present.

I know. I just didn't like it.

That's what the wand adds.

I have to get a new job.

Jude just comes in here every day. It's too hard to see him all the time.

Told you you couldn't be friends anymore.

I know, Mimi, you're right.

So why don't you be more than friends?

Well, I would love that, but he just doesn't want that.

Yeah, well, he cares what he wants.

You know, every Sunday before church, my grandma used to braid my hair.

When she was done, she'd kiss me on the forehead and she'd say, men are stupid

animals. They need to be led or they'll wander into an electric fence and fry.

Okay, well, I'm not going to throw myself at somebody who just likes me for

friend. The pig's having a bad week. He's thinking cloudy.

Yours is clear.

He's going to wander into an electric fence and fry.

Okay, you know what? I'm just going to go for it.

Thank you, Mimi.

Thank you so much.

Why don't you let me just cook you dinner tomorrow night?

Okay. Just so we're clear, dinner does not count as a birthday present.

I have looked everywhere.

Drew is not in the house.

I really think Drew was moved by how I had to leave Carmelita in Mexico and

to go see Kelly.

I just realized I left a goodbye note for someone who doesn't speak English.

Leave Carmelita in Mexico.

I once had a similar experience in Hawaii.

Oh, good. The Don Ho story again.

I just don't want you to make the same mistakes that I did.

True love only comes once in a lifetime.

Don't you love George?

Well, of course.

Oh, if I started thinking about that now, the whole thing could unravel.

Carmelita, it's Oswald.

I know you couldn't read my note because you don't know English, so that's why

I'm calling.

To tell you that my life is empty without you.

I feel the same way.

Darling, I've made up my mind. I'm coming back to Mexico.

Tell your brother to pick me up at the airport.

There you are.

Oh, my God, it's Spider -Man.

Hey, careful, Dad. You're going to hurt yourself.

Look at the condition of this roof.

Every time a plane flies over, you're laughing, Stock. You don't even know it.

Hey, Butch, I think you knocked a couple of your rhinestones off on the way out

here. Oh, yeah?

You want to have a go?

All right.

Hey, my wife is downstairs.

Where is yours?

I'm on a roof. I'm on a roof. See?

Yes. That's my clue to everybody, that I want to be alone.

I'd be more than happy to leave you alone if you only tell your mother what

needs to hear in order for her to come back to Florida.

Yeah, did you ever notice the only advice you give me is something that

your life easier? Not true.

Told you to bunt once.

As I recall, that worked out rather well.

No, what you screened out in front of everybody and thanked was if you swing

like a girl, you might as well bunt.

Hello.

Hey. Hey. Hey, Kelly.

You remember my dad?

I'm up here trying to get some peace and quiet. He's up here to show the

neighbors what the ladies of Florida are wearing.

Listen,

Drew, if I don't say this now, I'll never say it. And I know that you've

going through a really tough time lately, but I don't think that we can be

friends.

I want more, Drew.

Drew?

See you for a second?

It's really embarrassing. I'll be right back.

This better not be about the roof.

Ah, you were jilted last week.

But you're not reacting to this girl.

You're reacting to the one that whacked off your huevos and hung them on the

rear view mirror.

Look, I know, but I got some really good advice from this bartender down in

Mexico.

Women come and go, but friends are friends forever.

Let me ask you something about this bartender. Young, good -looking fella.

Sure. Well, you're not.

Thanks, Dad.

Hey.

Hey, Cal.

I decided I want to enroll in that new Friends Plus program.

You know, the one with the added sex?

You know, that offer expired.

But if you take me to a movie and dinner, maybe we can see what happens

there.

Sounds great.

How about Friday?

Oh, I can't. I have to work.

Is this the setup just to get back at me?

No, I'm really working. I'm working, but I'll call in sick.

Can't wait.

Me too.

All right.

Well, see ya.

See ya.

We have the ultimate love test in just seconds away. Next on ABC.

Carmelita. Si no has vuelto para pagarme, los niños te cortarán la nariz

jugarán fútbol con tu cabeza.

I know, but I shouldn't have left. But I've come to make you an honest woman.

Oh, no está mal.

Paga lo que me debes y quizás...

Te doy un regalito gratis.

Vuelvo por ti cuando termine con él. Okay.

Well,

when we're married, this sort of stuff has got to stop.