Original subtitles

Hey, pig.

Hey.

That's a nice trick, walking on your hind legs, but I'm out of treats.

Oh, I don't know. Middle -aged man laying around on the couch in his

all week is kind of a treat.

Look, Kelly feels cranky because she's pregnant.

She thinks she's bloated and unattractive. She doesn't want me

You're so desperate to get her in the sack again that you've submitted to this

extreme makeover?

We'll make up for lost time after she has the baby.

Please. When she squeezes out one of those giant Carrie heads, she's going to

just beg the doctors to brick the damn thing up once and for all.

And then once her body does heal, you're both going to be so tired from taking

care of a baby 24 hours a day.

Well, then if we're tired, we'll skip the foreplay. Women only want it because

the liberal media tells them they should.

Yeah, whatever.

Well, enjoy the nonstop orgy that starts the minute your baby's born.

Hey, listen, I know your reproductive system is similar to ours.

How long do we have to wait, you know?

Well, after Gus was born, your brother and I didn't have sex for about four

months. And once we started the freaky stuff again, I almost killed him because

he forgot the safe word.

I doubt if he forgot it. Probably just wanted to die.

He's not welcome here anymore.

I think you changed your mind after a round of sexopoly.

Board game for relationships age six and up.

Drew, I'm not feeling very sexy right now.

Is there anything about sex?

I just want to play a little board game.

Okay, I will be the penis.

No, Drew, I just want to go to bed.

Hey, you're jumping to the other side.

your lover's belly and lick it off.

Well, it's a big job. You might want to get a paint roller and hire yourself a

crew.

Hey, the sex in this game is just between you and me.

Unless I roll an 11, in which case we have to find a female friend we both

trust.

Hey, can I be a drunk, horny stranger so my opinion counts, too?

I just want to be left alone.

Go to eat a can of frosting and go to sleep.

Come on.

Honey.

You're so beautiful.

Oh, yeah?

Well, if I'm so beautiful, how come Oswald took me off on the night shift

replaced me with some bimbo named Marla who's all breasts and legs?

I'd be jealous. for something that sounds like a bucket of chicken.

I have been exiled to the lunch crowd.

And I put out to pasture like a big fat cow.

Well, there's one guy who wouldn't mind tipping you over.

Moo.

Moo.

I'm hideous. And I want to be left alone.

Take your tiny genitalia and...

It was good enough for you the night we got pregnant.

goes down the drain.

so much response to, what are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

Nothing.

Even if I remembered what we were talking about, I wouldn't tell you,

clearly I've gotten away with it.

How could you give this, you know, this bimbo Kelly Ships?

You know, this is a neighborhood bar. Guys like to come in here to think that

maybe they have a chance with the hot waitress, and it's pretty obvious that

Kelly's dance card's been punched.

still attractive.

Only to a very small group of guys.

Frankly, I don't want that kind in my bar.

I gotta take off for a couple hours.

Your shift has started.

But I have to have wings put on my unicorn tattoo.

Look, wouldn't that make this better?

What a lucky little horsey.

Thanks.

I'll see you later.

Bye. Bye.

Bye -bye.

Clearly, you hired somebody that you have a crush on and gave her Kelly's

That is not fair.

You know, sure, I hired her because she's pretty, but then, you know, after

talking to her, I realized she also has a great rack.

Kelly feels unattractive because she's pregnant. It's hurting our relationship.

It would really help me out.

if you gave her back her hours? Drew, I'm running a business here, and I'm

it to meet women.

Hey, honey.

I'll be with you in a second, okay? I just gotta count my tips.

Shouldn't take long.

It's mostly nickels.

Excuse me.

Could you pay a little attention to that waitress over there?

It's my girlfriend. It'd really help me out if you, like, undressed her with

your eyes.

Hey, sicko, I'm just here for a beer.

This is for a pregnant woman who needs to be loved by strangers, okay?

I'll get you a big tip.

Hey,

babe,

over here.

They're talking to you?

Could you bring us another round in your phone number, you brick house?

I'm flattered.

I guess.

But I'm kind of in a relationship right now.

Oh, it's okay. We know the dude. And he's into it. He even paid us to come on

you.

What?

You wonder why we don't always call you when we go out? This is why.

It's supposed to be Brick House.

Hey, honey.

Hey. Guess what?

Got a big book of naked pregnant ladies.

You know, I could do without the daily porn announcement.

No, no, look. I want you to see that pregnant women are beautiful.

I thought, you know, get the camera out, take some pictures.

If you don't want to be naked, I mean, you could wear this maternity lingerie.

Ah, very nice. Let's take a look.

Oh, and look, the fishnet stockings are the size of a real fishnet.

Come on.

You're the most beautiful pregnant woman I've ever seen. I just want you to see

what I see.

That's very sweet, honey, but I've got to show you something.

Went to the doctor today, and he had a cancellation, so I got the sonogram.

It's just a big gray blob.

Just so you know, I was going to love it anyway.

It's a new machine, Drew. It's amazing. It's 3D.

Wow, you know, if the hand wasn't right there, you could tell what effect it is.

Yeah, the doctor said if it's grabbing itself like that, it's probably a boy.

Wow, I never really thought of it like this, but you have a little person

growing inside of you, huh?

We made the person, Drew.

Our little person.

The greatest thing I've ever made.

You know, if you don't count the Afghan I crocheted in college.

I was sick with mono. My roommate took my TV to pay for drugs. Oh.

It's just, I want to apologize about how crazy I've been with the way I look.

I kind of forgot what this was all about.

I'm just glad that you're feeling better. Yeah.

You know... Yeah? I could put on this lingerie.

You could come over and we could try that board game again.

Great. Hey, let me get a magnifying glass so I can find my penis.

Billy.

Got some sparkling cider.

I got some Augustus bubble bath.

I know it's for kids, but we're going to do something dirty with it.

Wow, honey, you look beautiful.

Yeah. You sure I don't look like a house being tented for bugs?

No, those things have stripes.

Hi, Daddy.

What are you going to do to Mommy?

Drew, what's wrong?

Nothing. Uh, no, nothing, nothing.

Be careful.

My skull's really soft right now.

Daddy, I know what you're going to do.

Please, this is my home.

or to dry the baby's bottom.

Not enough to fill its tiny lungs.

So, what, are you going to be mad at me all day?

True. We were about to make love. You ran out with a leg cramp and then you

never come back?

What am I supposed to think?

That I'm hurt and maybe you should come try to help me? I mean, I could have

been laying dead in the snow.

I'm just starting to feel attractive again.

Hey, I'm as big as you are. I feel great about myself.

Okay, let's take a short break, and when we come back, I'm going to show you how

to deal with engorged breasts.

See? That's why we need a cell phone with a camera in it.

I have to beat 80 women to the bathroom.

The instructor said I was pounding too hard with the burping.

Yeah.

Tore the arm off my baby.

That'll bring the social worker to your house, right?

Hey, can I ask you a personal question?

Yeah, sure.

When you're having sex with your wife, do you imagine that there's a little

person inside of there watching you?

I mean, you wouldn't let him watch on the outside. Why would you let him watch

now, right? I wasn't going to, I swear.

No, I swear.

I wrote about him in this picture, this sonogram.

3D. Look at that. It looks like a little person.

Oh, my God. I thought there was just a big gray blob in there. This is...

come look at this.

Whoa.

What's that freaky little thing?

That's my kid in 3D.

Looks like it's looking at you.

It is.

when you're having sex, and it listens to you, too.

I don't want my baby's first words to be, slow down, it's not a race.

My anniversary's tomorrow night. I can't have sex with her now.

Maybe if I wet my hair and sleep in the backyard, I'll be sick by then.

My wife got pregnant on our first date.

This just keeps getting better and better.

I'm going to ask you a personal question.

When you're having sex with your wife... Drew!

Drew!

Congratulations. Drew,

are you talking about our sex life with strangers?

I'm not strange. I'm very close to these people. We just watched a video of an

episiotomy together.

If you have something to say to me, Drew, you tell me. You don't tell other

people. You be honest and tell...

Here goes.

I can't make love to you because there's a little person inside of there

watching me.

That's crazy.

Listen, I need to be close to you right now. I am feeling very vulnerable. And

we can't because your imagination is completely out of control.

No, you're the one that screwed it up when you gave me this little picture.

I was fine having sex with a faceless gray blob.

Not you, the baby. I was fine having sex with the baby.

How's it going, Marla? Oh, great. You know, we're at that great time, the

beginning of a relationship, when everything's just so exciting and new.

Well, you deserve it.

Thanks. Say, who's that guy with his hand up her shirt?

That's her boyfriend.

They're breaking up.

Yeah. I sense a certain wistfulness in the way he's jamming his tongue down her

throat.

Oswald, she's taking advantage of you. Oh, no. No, no.

Have you bought her anything?

No, of course not. I mean, she has my credit cards and checkbooks. She buys

everything herself.

What's with the lousy service?

Oswald's new waitress is working him.

Was the sex good at least?

Probably. Look at him.

You guys got to help me. I'm powerless.

He's a great man and a fantastic lover.

Thank you, honey.

Doll boy.

Let's see how many husbands you steal after they have to build you a new face

out of your ass meat.

This one broke kinda nice.

I'm gonna keep it under my car seat.

You know, I'm not a fan, but you gotta respect her work.

It's worth more to me than any relationship I thought I was having with

who's having a relationship with somebody else.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Hey, sweetheart.

Hi. Whoa, what do I have in here? Hi.

Guess what? I felt like the baby was pressing on something, so I went back to

the doctor and I got a sonogram.

And look.

Look at the baby.

He turned around.

His back is to you now.

You can't find the door.

You sure that's not Oswald's baby?

Did it ever occur to you that our little bundle of joy just turned around

because he wanted to give Daddy some privacy so he could take a shot at

What you're saying is what it can't be won't hurt it.

Well, it's kind of lame, but it might be just what I need to get me over the

top. Let's go.

Wait, Oswald's in the kitchen. Let me just tell him I'm leaving. Hey, Oswald,

thanks a lot for giving me...

Thanks for taking the night shift.

I'm heading home. I'm beat.

Oh, and make a deposit. We had a big, big night. The register's full of cash.

Uh,

honey, I feel a little guilty about something.

Oh, no. It was Oswald's baby.

Yeah. Now let's move on.

No.

When I went back to the doctor, I just asked him for another woman's sonogram.

You know, where the baby would turn around.

Oh, so you tricked me into having sex.

It appears the hunter has become the hunted.

I'm just glad you're over your ridiculous fear.

Oh, come on. I can't blame you for doing whatever it takes to get your paw in

this honeypot.

I wouldn't by chance be in the woody game, would you?

I might be.

I warned you about staying away from my mommy.

When I'm born, I'm going to cry every night, get bad grades, knock up a girl,

take off, and stick you with the kid.

Enjoy these last few weeks, huh?

Hey, you know, I have an idea for a really fun, sexy game we could play.

Well, it starts with you closing your eyes and counting backwards from 100.

Okay.

100.

99.

98.

97.

Oh, I don't know about you, but I'm getting really turned on.