Original subtitles

So I get back from the supply room, right?

And I go to fill the stapler.

And out of the box, I pick out a perfect row of staples. None of them are broken

up. Fits right in perfectly. I think, great.

Things are finally going my way.

I set the stapler down.

I go get the papers I'm supposed to staple. I come back. The stapler's gone.

Careful. I've got a weak heart.

Hey, didn't you see that old lady?

I saw her. I don't like her.

And speaking of not liking people, how's your saving for a car going?

Oh, slow.

I mean, I just don't make enough money. I want to move up, but the boss doesn't

take me seriously.

Do tell.

Yeah, I mean, I got a lot of good ideas. You just won't listen to them, you

know? Try to pin them down for five minutes. I just can't find the time.

Uh -huh.

I know.

I mean, he just sees me as a drone, you know, not an idea guy.

I mean, all he wants to talk to me about is the weather and sports, things like

that. And then this whole stapler thing comes up.

Nobody gives me any respect for that place. They take all my personal...

Hey! Hey, watch out!

How many people did I hit?

Any babies?

No, you okay?

Fine. And, uh... You?

Well, my life flashed before my eyes, so I'm a little depressed.

But other than that, I'm okay.

I'm just worried about that little puppy.

What puppy?

Oh, the one that ran into the street and forced me to swerve into those parking

meters.

Right?

Oh, there was no puppy?

Yeah.

Puppy's too obvious.

Little kitty.

Little kitty.

That's what we're going to tell the bus company. What?

I can't lie to the bus company.

Ten dollars off a year's bus pass.

They've been nothing but good to me.

I'm two months away from getting my full pension.

I need that money to retire.

Oh, all right.

But look, just for the record, if it wasn't Kitty, you would have seen it,

right? Maybe.

Now run around the back and tear off that hollow -knifing bumper sticker,

you?

that running in front of a bus, wouldn't you?

Well, I guess there's worse ways to pick a pet.

No, it's a lot of reports for the bus company.

Got to call Tony and tell him it was an orange cat that ran up in front of the

bus. This is about the accident?

Drew, come on. He fell asleep.

You have to tell the truth.

Well, if I do, he's going to lose his pension. So for the next six months, see

bus coming, duck into a store.

What if all those were people instead of parking meters, huh?

Hey. Feet and paste and concrete, head full of quarters. I think they'd want to

die.

Drew. Come on. As far as I know, it's the only accident he's ever had. Did you

have an accident last year? But that was different. It wasn't like I fell asleep

at the wheel.

Were you or were you not driving with your knees because your fingernails had

just been painted? Yes or no?

Kiss my butt. Sustain.

You are going to feel terrible for the rest of your life if... Tony ends up

hurting someone.

Look, why do you assume he's going to hit an innocent person? What if he ends

hitting the next Martha Stewart?

Well, I don't think anyone's planning to take over popular culture from downtown

Cleveland.

Aha, see? No one expects that. That's why it's perfect.

Stop. Stop it, okay? You're just trying to change the subject.

You have to do the right thing.

Yeah, you're right. I've got to tell the truth. Yeah, me too. I mean, didn't you

tell me that these reports are confidential?

Yeah, but even if Tony doesn't know I got him fired, I know I got him fired.

don't worry about it. He'll find another job.

What did he do before you drove a bus?

Had a little fix -it shop. He fixed, you know, 8 -track tape players, Betamax

machines.

Yeah, you know, if he can fix those, he can build a time machine, go back to

when people wanted that crap fixed.

Yeah.

Well, this new menu's really bringing in a more upscale crowd.

Yeah. Although I still... I don't get how you can make onion rings that are

heart -smart.

It's easy. You just draw a little heart next to them.

Oh, my God, you're right. I took out all the fat.

Yeah, hey, let's see if it works for pizza.

Yeah, it does.

It does?

Hey, people want to come here and forget about their problems, and they just

want to be able to eat, drink, and have a good time without having to feel

guilty about it. Well, you know what ruins a good time?

When your heart seizes up.

Hey, you know, these health nuts tip better. You want to go back to our old

customers who used to put a quarter in their pocket and ask you to push for it?

No, the hearts come off of the menu.

As soon as I have enough money for a stroller and a car seat, okay?

All right.

I have enough money for crocodile boots and a gold chain.

That's one.

There's people at my table again. That's the third time today I get rid of them.

I can't. They're paying customers. Besides, they ordered the HeartSmart

potato skins with bacon bits.

So, I wanted the cell phone that's got the PDA built in. But that doesn't come

with a camera.

Hi, I'm Lewis.

You know, during the Inquisition, they got confessions out of heretics by

inserting a pear -shaped device into their mouths and expanding it till their

heads split apart like tight pants on a fat guy.

Is this for everybody?

Jeez,

I feel like crap.

I think I got the bird fluke.

Thanks for inviting me out, Drew.

It really is a drink.

Yeah, me too. Hey, Oswald, how about a couple beers?

Oh, I'd love to, Drew, but I'm already pretty drunk.

But I'll get you a couple.

Well, sure, it's nice to be away from people constantly badgering me about

office crap.

Oh, sorry to hear that, because I was going to pitch you an idea tonight.

God. Well, can I come by tomorrow, then? It's really good. You just keep

avoiding me. I just want to get a chance to tell you what the idea is. All

right, come by around noon.

Oh, wait, you know, I'm interviewing a young woman for a job that doesn't

But I should be done by then.

I'll see you at 12 .15.

Oh, hey, there's the guy that drives my bus.

He's suspended right now, but when they read the accident report I filled out, I

think he's going to get fired.

I don't suppose we have a job for him, do we?

Well, he's a little on the old side, but he looks pretty good. Maybe we can find

something for him.

Oh, my God, you're not talking about one of those jobs that doesn't exist, are

you?

No real job.

Oh, thank God. Here, follow me.

Hey, Tony.

Hey, Drew, I was just going to call and see if you filled out the form.

Even better. This is my boss, Scott. He wants to talk to you about a temporary

job. What kind of company is it?

We sell things over the Internet.

I thought they proved that didn't work.

We're doing it anyway.

Yeah, well, what kind of job is it exactly? I haven't had many jobs in my

I had a fix -it shop, I drove a bus, and I killed Koreans.

It means a war, right?

Probably. Either way, it was a long time ago.

All right.

Come by around nine. We'll get you started.

That's nice of you.

That's great.

Hey, what kind of job do we have for him?

being old and black.

You know, I need a small business loan. Minority loans are at a much lower

interest rate. Plus, banks don't like to give them out to young Internet

companies. So I walk in with a distinguished minority partner, and it's

deal. Gee, I never think of using people like that. I guess that's why you're

the boss.

And while they're still alive, mind you, they'll wind up their intestines like a

garden hose.

What did you say to them?

Well, it's not so much what I said, but how I said it.

How did you say it?

With my toes tickling their crotches.

Yes.

Hey, Tony, how's the first day of work coming?

Fine.

Listen, I think you should know this.

Scott only hired you because you're elderly and you're a minority.

He's going to try to pretend you're a partner so you can get a better loan.

I'm getting paid to sit here and do crossword puzzles, so what do I care?

In that case, four down is emu.

Oh, hey.

By the way, I'm going to be talking to Scott about an idea I have. I was

wondering if you might have to run it by you first.

Oh, go ahead. Let me hear it.

Well, it's a website aimed at senior citizens like yourself. It's got large

print, easy -to -follow direction, and an online discount pharmacy.

What do you think of that?

You got a backup, or is that your only idea?

Wow.

You make me feel like I can do anything.

Each kid in Gus's class gets to bring in a DVD to watch at lunch.

And one of your DVDs got in Gus's Bob the Builder case.

It's not the German one, is it? Because that one's bad. It's very bad. Very,

very bad.

No, it was Black Hawk Down. The teacher put it on, left the room, and you got a

bunch of first graders all wide -eyed watching a bloodbath in Somalia.

Thank God it wasn't a German one, because that was bad.

Very, very bad.

And thanks to you, I have to go to the principal's office tomorrow.

I don't think you should go.

Kids already saw one terrifying movie. They don't have to see Mighty Joe Young

swinging down the hall.

Hey, Drew.

Tony just came up with a fantastic idea for a senior website with a discount

online pharmacy and big print so seniors can use it easily.

What? You bastard.

Hey!

Just because he's already come up with more good ideas than you've ever come up

with, there's no reason to get nasty.

Oh, my job interview's been moved to a motel, so I have to cancel our meeting.

What the hell's going on here?

All you had to say was you saw a kitty.

What do you think you're doing, stealing my idea?

Because before you turned in that report, I was just suspended.

Now I'm probably going to get fired.

I thought that report was confidential.

It's a bus company, Drew, not the CIA.

Well, I had to tell the truth. You fell asleep. You could have killed somebody.

It was a one -time thing. Haven't you ever fallen asleep on your job?

All the time, but I do it in the bathroom stall. The only one who gets

me.

Well, you're trying to screw me out of my full pension, and so I'm going to

this little act of tokenism into a real job.

Man, if you were 30 years older than me and trained to kill by the Army, I'd

punch you right in the nose.

I've got a taser.

I'll light you up like a Christmas tree.

Well, in that case, I'm telling.

Scott, you know, the website, the online pharmacy, it was all my idea.

Drew, Tony has so little. You really feel good about taking this away from

You... You think that that guy came up with an idea for a website?

So you're saying he's incapable of good work because he's elderly or because

he's African -American?

That's the only reason you hired him.

Drew, he works here because people deserve to be judged on their work, not

age or the color of their skin.

Wow, what a bunch of crap.

Well, I don't think it is, Drew. You know what? You're working for Tony on

website. And maybe someday, maybe, you'll see that in some people's eyes,

the old black man.

What?

They're just words to you, aren't they?

Now that you're done with your ugly racial outbursts, maybe we can get down

work. Yeah. Yeah, let's make this the best website ever.

We'll start with this.

What's this called?

Uh, it's called a mouse.

That's a stupid name.

Let's call it something else.

I'm serious. The guy used to come in here all the time.

Once those things lay eggs in your brain, you go crazy.

Hey, you forgot the check.

That's it. You can't keep driving away my customers. You gotta promise me

not gonna do that anymore.

Or what?

Or I'm gonna kick you out of here.

Oswald, as your friend, I have to tell you, a man your age trying to make

something of himself, it looks a little desperate.

You know, this is my chance, and I'm going to make it. You're not going to

it for me.

Well, it's my table, and when I come in, I'm going to take it.

Then you can't come in anymore.

You're banning me from the bar? I'm banning you from the bar.

Fine, fine.

Before I leave, there's something I've got to do in the kitchen. No, no, you

don't. You keep your pants on and get out of here.

No. I don't understand it. He's my best friend. Why doesn't he want me to

succeed?

Get out!

Come on, Oswald, you've got to understand.

You know, Louisville's left out.

Drew's having a baby. You have this business. Things are changing for

but him.

I'm sorry. I stopped listening when you said, Drew's having a baby.

Just think about it. The only constant in Louisville... life is this painful

he's not trying to change the subject he's got something stupid

you

know

i asked for a beer about a half hour ago i'm still hey knisky this

isn't a bar It's a good thing because the service sucks and the atmosphere is

kind of depressing.

So you can't go to the Warsaw.

Boo -hoo. You should be able to find at least one or two other places in

Cleveland where people are drinking themselves to death.

I want to die where everyone knows my name.

Lewis.

Come on, man.

You're being ridiculous. Where do you care where you sit in the Warsaw?

You've gotten drunk in alleyways, burned out cars, jury boxes?

Still on me about drinking in the jury box, huh?

You know, being the foreman in a death penalty case is a lot of pressure.

It wasn't a death penalty case.

If it was up to me, it would have been.

Just tell Oswald you're sorry. He'll give you your seat back.

Never. This is my bar now.

Oh, by the way, some drunk wrote some very nasty things about Kelly on your

bathroom wall.

All right, that's it. Out. Get out.

Fine.

Something I need to do in the kitchen first.

Nope.

Keep your pants on and get out.

Hey, honey. How's working for Tony going?

Great. We renamed every part of the computer today.

The screen is now the windshield.

You know, as an outside observer, I think he's doing a lot of stuff just to

stick it to you.

That's why I made him these muffins.

I'm so sorry, honey. How much work do you guys have left to do?

Well, the webpage is almost done. It really looks great.

Yeah? Is Tony helping you? Well, he fleets from 10 to 3. He helps me get my

done. He wanted to call the whole thing Pill Town.

Drugs, gun, and animate a bus and go to checkout bill.

Are you kidding?

Yeah. No, I'm not kidding.

This site looks fantastic.

So what? It's going to make a fortune, and I'm not going to get any credit for

it. I'm sorry.

What does this thing do?

Well, this is where you list all the drugs you've taken. Then it checks for

interactions. I put Tony's medicine in here to test it. Yeah?

Wow. He certainly takes a lot of stuff.

That's a laxative.

That's the one I snuck into your soda before I paid the carnival guy to stop

Ferris wheel.

Yeah, it takes a lot to discuss the carnival folk, but I did it.

And look what happens. When I hit this button, it alerts me to any interactions

with his drugs. Check this out.

Oh. Yeah, I know.

Tony's on the Phil Town bus to Deathville.

Wanted to meet here?

Thought I was banished because I was bad for business.

Hey, if you don't want me picturing your girlfriend naked, maybe you shouldn't

let her dress like a slut.

I want to show you something.

It's yours, day or night.

Dr. Louis Koniski?

My M .D. or Ph .D.? It's harder to talk someone into a breast exam with a Ph .D.

Oswald. I'm a PhD. I think I'll figure it out.

Hey. How you doing?

Hey, man. Hey, Drew. I've got to talk to you.

I was checking your medicine to see which ones interacted with which other

Look what I found.

The reason you fell asleep is while you were driving, you were taking this,

this, and this.

And just so you know, this is designed to ease your transition through

menopause.

Well, I must have filled my wife's description by mistake.

Well, now I know why I cried at the bank the other day.

So this is great.

We can go to the bus company, tell them what happened, and get your job back.

That's wonderful.

There I go again.

Hey, Scott.

What's up, Tony?

Yeah, I did.

He quit.

Told me you got him his job back at the bus company. So, I don't get my loan.

But he did tell you the site was my idea, right?

Yeah. Yeah, he did.

I'm real proud of you, boy.

There, does that make up for your father's lack of interest?

Say it again and tussle my hair while you do it.

We can't do your website because we don't have the money.

Well, can't you get yourself another minority guy and try him in front of the

loan people?

Drew, Tony was a person.

There's nobody here. All right.

I took him into the bank last week and told him how important he was to the

success of our business. I can't bring somebody in there for at least another

six months.

Well, I have another idea for a website for kids. It's a lot less money to

start. Hey, you know, I'd love to hear it, but I have a two o 'clock

to Framilamalini.

What's funny, I have a 2 .15 appointment to go screw myself.

The ultimate love test is a killer. All new next on ABC.

But I guess the most satisfying operation I ever performed was

conjoined twins from Guatemala.

What you do must be so fulfilling.

You have no idea.

You know, I hate to ask you this, but I have a little mole on the back of my

neck, and I wondered if you'd take a look at it.

Oh, okay.

That's disgusting.

You've got a mole with a hair on it on your neck.

I think I'm going to throw up.

But you're a doctor. You separated conjoined twins.

But they didn't have any moles with hairs in them.

Well, tell me when you burn that thing off, all right?