All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show s09e13 Dog Soup

All right, I figure between the co -pay
from the hospital bills, baby clothes,

diapers, and all that stuff, we're
looking at $10 ,000 for the first year.

So it looks like we're not going to
Monaco.

Or the dentist, and we'll be cutting
each other's hair.

Wow, Drew, $10 ,000. If I ever take out
a personal ad, it's going to read,

Hysterectomy to Mutt.

It's not all bad news, because we have
$1 ,000 saved, so we only need $9 ,000.

If you could make this pregnancy stretch
out about 20 months, that'd really help

us out.

Yeah. I don't know, Drew. Maybe
somewhere around my 12th month, I could

second job as a mover or a bouncer.

Or you could just pick up a couple extra
hours at work.

I always pick up extra hours at work.
Trouble is, they never pay me for them.

Hi, boys.

Well, there's a $2 tip in it if I go
listen to that driver's ed teacher tell

how all his hot students are coming on
to him. Atta girl. Anything for the

Hey. Hey.

Hey, little guy.

Ooh, what's wrong?

Never felt that before.

You take a look at this and tell me if
it looks like money!

Whoa!

Wow, where'd you get all that? The
question is not where, it's how. And

tell you how.

Getting up early, calling in sick to
work, and driving to West Virginia to

dog track.

Letting on dogs. Well, I see you finally
took my advice and got an investment

counselor.

Hey, I got a tip, and it paid off, all
right? As a matter of fact, I'm driving

back to West Virginia today, and he's
going to win again.

Wow, a tip on a dog. You know, I was
going to buy insurance for the bar, but

odds of a fire are really low, and this
seems like a sure thing.

Could you just hold on a second? You.

How'd you know he was going to win? And
you.

Buy the insurance.

The sprinklers aren't even hooked up to
anything. They're just stuck up there.

Look, I can't tell you how I know he's
going to win, okay? Why don't you just

come with me and bet?

Well, I can't.

Fifty bucks. What's fifty bucks?

Oh, what, the little woman won't let you
bet fifty bucks?

That's not the problem.

Okay, I'll come with you to the dog
track, but if she asks, you went to a

class.

It's amazing.

How'd you know?

I'd tell you if I could, but I'm sworn
to secrecy, huh? Well, let's go catch

tickets. Yeah.

He was even faster that time. What did I
tell you about that stairway we gave

him?

Oh.

So that's how you knew the dog was going
to win.

I've got it.

Just nod your head yes or no. Is it a
robot dog?

Drew, Oswald, this is Owen. He's a
scientist at Drug Co.

Well, it's funny running into you here.
Who is Konesky?

What a coincidence. Both of us here in
our off hours. What are you doing? They

already heard you.

It's okay. They're my friends.

Look, Owen invented a performance
enhancer drug for animals.

It's for third world countries, so oxen
can plow fields faster and horses pull

carts longer.

And to help their women medal at Olympic
swimming.

I've had tremendous success with rodent.

Unfortunately, I'm looking at a year's
worth of FDA red tape before they let me

start trials on larger animals.

Damn bureaucracy.

You know there's a guy in San Paolo
doing a similar thing and they let him

up runaways?

Oh, if it works, their parents will
never catch him.

So when Lewis brought me this greyhound
idea, I jumped at the chance to gather

some more data.

Well, yeah, I mean, this place is like a
lab. I think they discovered penicillin

at a cockfight.

Hey, I'm trying to positively impact
humanity.

Why should I have to sleep on an air
mattress in my mother's sewing room?

Well, sounds like you guys don't make a
lot of money.

I'm glad I didn't become a scientist.

Yeah, it was a close call. Listen, uh...
Don't they test the dogs for this

stuff? No, see, the drug doesn't
officially exist, so there is no test

We'll make a fortune if the dog
continues to react to the drug like the

animals have.

I got a hamster back at the lab that
could win the Kentucky Derby.

A hamster.

I'm not saying it's right, I'm not
saying it's wrong, but imagine the odds.

And there's a bottle caught me inside my
clothes.

Thinking that the world looks fine.

Yeah. Hell yeah.

A baby book? Thank you so

much. That is so sweet. And I took the
liberty of starting it for you.

Page one. This is my mommy.

See, there's a picture of you.

And then you turn the page, and this is
my daddy, and it's a picture of Ray

Liotta.

Okay, why isn't it Drew's picture?

Well, if the kid thinks he's going to
look like Drew in 40 years, he'll eat a

gun.

Hey, Speedy around?

Uh, no, honey, he's in the backyard.

Good, good. Because if he sees me with
another dog, he's going to rip his

out.

Well, hello, honey.

Look what's on your leash.

keep him because he's old, blind, and we
don't know what kind of disease he has.

Weird, huh?

Looks like a dog butt. Just doesn't
smell as good.

Joe, what are you doing? We don't need
another dog.

It's not just a dog. It's a racing dog.
Isn't he cute?

Well, yeah, he is. Good, because we own
him.

Okay.

You got an unmarried, pregnant
girlfriend in the garage, and you're

I'm not white trash enough. I'll get a
racing dog.

knows a scientist at Drug Co. shot him
full of steroids and made him into a

winner. Wait.

Lewis, Drug Co., steroid. How many red
flags do you need?

It works great. I already won a race
with him. If you don't believe me, come

into the lab. The guy has a super
hamster.

Well, Kelly, I was dubious, but now
there's a super hamster.

Drew, come on. You gambled our money at
a dog track?

Well, if you add the words for the baby
onto that, it sounds pretty noble.

Drew, listen, we're not that desperate.
I can always just pick up a couple extra

shifts. No, I don't want you working
that hard when you're pregnant.

Besides, I want our baby born in a good
hospital, not the one downtown where you

have to talk to the nurse through
bulletproof glass.

Oh, you need a dog track? Isn't that
kind of sleazy?

It depends on where you sit.

I did think the thousand dollars from
the baby fund so I can make a big bet on

chain lightning here.

A thousand bucks.

All right.

All right.

You can have a hundred dollars.

Only a hundred?

Don't you think the other money is going
to be jealous that this money gets to

go to the track?

Okay, here's yours.

And here's ours. A hundred dollars on
chain lightning to win.

Pretty. You know, Drew, when you're
pregnant, you have a really good sense

smell. You know where that comes in
handy?

The dog trap.

Come on, a lot of these people came
straight from the operative and didn't

time to change.

Hey,

they charged me for two.

And I just figured it out. We won $500
,000.

You won $5 ,000. You must have put the
decimal point in the wrong place.

Oh, damn.

Cheer up. We won $5 ,000.

I just watched $495 ,000.

Can you give me a minute?

That's a nice watch.

First of all, it's not a watch.

It's a timepiece.

And it's not nice, it's magnificent.

Where'd you get it? You must know, $6
,000.

You spent $6 ,000 on that watch?

Timepiece. Bought a timepiece.

Well, now that Chain Lightning's won
three in a row, I got us both something.

got this, he got a squeaky hamburger.

Aren't you a little nervous about
flashing it around?

Nervous? Why would I be nervous?

Mostly. I was scratching my back with it
at the coffee shop down the street. It

accidentally went off.

You think caffeine makes him jumpy, you
should see him move when you blow up the

biscotti jar.

Hey, Oswald, what's in the box?

I just bought the best piece of sports
memorabilia for the bar.

Good for you!

At least you didn't waste your money on
a gun and a watch.

Time, Pete!

Well, you know, it was expensive, but
people are going to love getting their

picture taken wearing this.

Oh, whose helmet is that?

The one and only Speed Racer.

He wore this in every race.

What's a Speed Racer cartoon?

Based on the real Speed Racer.

Yes, well, technically he was based on
Bruce Wayne. All right.

So after everything we talked about, you
bought the helmet anyway.

You know you just got ripped off, don't
you? Yeah, says you.

I got a certificate of authenticity.

Well, it is signed by the president of
the Cartoon Racing Association, Speedy

Gonzalez. Congratulations.

Look, Chain Lightning is running
tomorrow, and I say we put some real

him this time.

No, Drew, we've been raising the bet $5.

That's enough.

No, no. See, we only have $3 ,000 on our
baby fund. We need $10 ,000.

And every time he races and wins, the
odds go down. We need to make our move

now. Look, I know the dog is winning,
but it's still gambling. For the last

time, it's not gambling. It's cheating.

Now let's bet it all and raise our baby
right.

All right, but the second we have enough
money for the baby, we stop.

Okay, you know, they say the safest way
to transport your baby is in a German

luxury city.

We got a problem.

I was running some tests on the Super
Hamster, and its bone density scored a

four.

Is that good for bone density?

Well, pudding scores a five.

I'm afraid your dog's bones are
dissolving.

Hey, Mr. Scientist, why don't you put it
in language we can understand?

You mean to say we're killing chain
lightning?

Well, not if we stop injecting the
steroid. I do believe the process is

reversible. Yeah, but I have money now.
I finally feel good about myself. I'm

pretty sure that's reversible, too.

Do you think he has one more race left
in him? I don't know. He could have

several races in him. I don't know.

Well, if we see him slowing down, we'll
just stop.

That's not how it's going to work.

He'll be at full speed, and due to the
stress of running, he'll come apart like

a cheap suit in the rain.

He wins by a nose, but the nose isn't
attached to anything. All I know is I

spent two years of my life working on
this stupid steroid. I am done helping

world. I am going to develop a cellulite
cream, make a fortune, and buy a nice

house for Mother and me.

I say we run him. If Chain Lightning
could choose his way to die, he'd choose

running. No, no, if anything happens to
him, it might be awful.

I say we retire him.

Drew, you know what? I was just looking
over the annual bill.

Did you know the insurance only covers
30 %?

Like I was saying, he probably has one
more race left in him.

Put a tight sweater on him, that'll hold
him together.

It'd be a crime if we didn't let
lightning run.

It's what he's born to do. It's in his
blood.

Yeah, along with a bunch of potentially
lethal chemicals.

Would you just relax?

He only has to hold it together one last
time, huh? Then he retires safe and

sound. We make a ton of money,
everybody's happy.

Last night I was watching TV.

He fell asleep with his head in my lap.

Oh, hey, you know, that reminds me. One
time Lewis and I were watching TV and I

got all sleepy and...

You know, this time when we win, I'm not
going to do anything stupid with my

money. I'll tell you that.

I'm going to put it in the real estate.
Maybe buy an apartment building or a

nice bed and breakfast.

Oh, a cozy little place where couples
can get away for the weekend.

Yeah, where we can secretly videotape
them having sex and sell it to a

website.

I don't know. Maybe a little awkward
serving them breakfast after watching

do it.

I think that's awkward. Wait till we ask
them to sign our waiver in Japanese.

Hey, you know...

If we want to get to West Virginia by
the start of the race, we better get

going.

What do you say, buddy?

Think you got one more race in you?

Come on, Drew. Let's go. Yeah.

I can't do it.

I can't let him race.

What are you talking about? You got to
let him race.

Hey, I own one -third of this dog, and
my third's not running.

Damn you, Drew. Where are we going to
find a third of a dog at this late date?

if you keep telling me every five
minutes.

Has it been every five minutes?

Gee, I wouldn't know. I had to sell my
timepiece to pay the fine for

a weapon in a coffee shop.

You know what? I think it was a good
thing that you pulled chain lightning

the race.

I hope so, because we still need $7 ,000
for the baby fund.

Well, we'll find it somewhere.

Yeah, if you need money, just find it
somewhere. Any homeless guy will tell

that.

We'll figure something out.

If we... have to we can always just
borrow the money from my parents no no

about it then you have your drunken
mother over here all the time baby in

hand gin bottle in the other next thing
you know the gin bottle is going to be

diapered in the crib the baby will be on
its side in the liquor cabinet with his

head screwed on it's got to be another
way to make some money

hey wait a minute if lightning isn't
juiced up some other dog's gonna win

and because i can't finish second to
chain lightning in every race

Because I Can is running on Friday.

I say we race chain lightning without
the drugs and bet it all on Because I

I've got it.

After we videotape them having sex, we
don't serve them breakfast. That way it

won't be awkward.

We'll call it a bet and get the hell
out.

The dream is alive.

Hey, pleasure to bet. How come you guys
didn't place your own bet?

You can't bet against your own dog at
the track.

boy this place brings back a lot of
memories to come here all the time

her run it drew she still hasn't given
you your ticket come on she knows i'm

kidding around your hair looks really
pretty today especially the ones

out of your blouse the dogs are at the
gate oh here we go

He doesn't have the juice. He'll pay.

And around the turn, his chain lighting
blew it away, but because I can.

No! And around the far turn, there's
lightning leading by three. Followed by

because I can and rattlesnake. He's
clean. He should be losing. I gave him a

beer before the rain.

And coming to the wire, his chain
lighting by five. Followed by because I

and howling fudge up a third.

How is that possible? The scientist said
if he wasn't juiced up that he was

blue. I hate that guy.

I'm not buying his cellulite cream.

he got used to winning and developed the
heart of a champion.

Stupid, stupid dog.

Wait a second. He won four races in a
row. Maybe someone will buy him from us.

Hey, he's right. You know, we were going
to send him to a stud farm anyway. It

could make us a lot of money just having
sex.

Do you think the Japanese will pay to
see that?

No. No.

But the Germans will.

He's supposed to be on some dog's step
-fire making us money. A tracked bet

there was something wrong with his
physical.

Oh, no. They found a steroid?

No, but they made him as sterile as the
people who buy chewable vitamins from

Drug Co. What?

I'm kidding. Would a huge corporation
like that put anything on the market

wasn't safe?

No.

Great. Now the dog isn't making us a
dime.

Can you keep him, please?

Well, you have done a good job feeding
your hermit crab.

Thank you.

you made enough money for the amnio yeah
we're still gonna have to borrow money

from your parents well you know what if
we just get a ton of stuff from our baby

shower we just have to pay for the
hospital bills we don't know that many

yeah i figure we just have to make about
200 close friends in the next few

months how hard is that

This is my boyfriend, Drew. Hey.

Hey.

I'm Fred. Oh.

What are you selling?

What are we selling?

Maybe we just like Fred for Fred.