Original subtitles

Why'd you have to invite Kelly's dad to watch the fight with us? It's gonna be

like watching the fight with somebody's dad.

Kelly wants us to be like father and son.

Why? So you can stand there drinking scotch out of the bottle with no pants

screaming, I could have been an architect if it weren't for you!

No, you know, the whole time I was married, Daryl and my father didn't get

along, okay?

Now with the baby coming, it's very important to me.

Also, you're still mad at me for knocking her up. So don't do anything

embarrassing, okay?

You're representing me.

Damn. I was going to greet him with a long, grindy hug and then stare at him

with moist, parted lips.

Don, how you doing? Come on in. Good, good, good. Nice foot start. Could be

great. Thank you. Hi, Daddy.

There's my little girl.

Come on in. Sit down. Make yourself at home.

Look at that. It's your favorite artichoke dip.

I am going to be right back with a Bloody Mary.

Three pieces of celery.

Thanks, honey.

Celery keeps me regular.

Alcohol keeps me married to her mother.

That's great.

Hey, the fight's supposed to be great. Who are you rooting for? I don't know.

I don't even know who's fighting.

I don't care for boxing.

Barbera.

You know, I bought the artichokes myself for the dip.

Yeah, they're...

Not a big produce fan. I had to ask the manager what ones to get, but I bought

them.

And, you know, they say they have hearts, artichokes.

But they're vegetables.

Weird, isn't it?

Too bad you already paid for the fight. We could have talked artichokes all day.

All right, Dad, here's your Bloody Mary. Thank you.

Hey, honey?

Yeah? I can't seem to get the fight on.

Well, what does that say? It says you're not authorized to buy the fight. What

does that mean?

Well, at our house, that means we've ordered too much pay -per -view and

over our limit.

You know, if you push this button, it shows what you ordered.

No!

There must be some kind of mistake. I'll call him tomorrow.

You know, I guess we won't be able to watch the fight.

Yeah.

You know, it's a... They say it's a flower, the artichoke.

You know, like a whale is a mammal, but it swims in the sea, so how could it be

a mammal?

I mean, monkeys don't... You know what?

I saw a sign for an open house down the block. We should go.

We should go to that. Let's go to an open house. Yeah.

I'm just going to take the Bloody Mary in case he's got another vegetable story

up his sleeve.

It's okay. Don't worry about them. They're serious buyers.

Sandy, I have a question. When we were kids, we lost a lot of balls and

in the backyard, and the old bag that lived here never gave them back to us.

Can we go check, see if they're still there?

Sure.

Don't run! You're full of cookies!

Whoa, this place is a steal.

Three bedrooms, two baths. All it needs is a little carpeting, a coat of paint,

and you can turn it around for a quick buck.

Yeah. You know, Dad, that's a great idea.

You know what you should do? You should buy this house and get Drew to help you

fix it up.

You know? And you two can share the profits. Oh, well, no. Come on, Dad.

been looking for a project to do ever since you retired, right? Yeah, and you

two can be partners.

Wow. Your dad making a big financial commitment that I'm responsible for?

Tempting.

No, no, no. Look, this place could be a real gold mine. Yeah. What do you say,

Drew? Come on, we could use the extra money now that baby's coming.

And it'll give my two favorite men in the whole wide world a chance to get to

know each other better.

Well, I guess I'm in since we've already made up my mind.

Hey, remember when that old lady said we'd get our softball back over her dead

body?

Booyah, baby!

Bring your love to me tonight.

Jot her to each lake underneath your silvery light.

Well, we're going bowling, but I'm a loser in soling.

Moon over Palmer, do or not. Watch the girl as she stands up on the corner.

Watch out the moon that missed the shine over the Palmer.

Moon like you'll never hear you.

Hey.

Hey, Jimmy.

I don't want to be alone with Don. Will you guys help me renovate this house?

You know, we'd love to, Drew, but I have to put every spare minute I have into

this place if I'm going to make a go of it.

Oh, it's not a favor. I'll pay you.

I'll have Kelly run the bar. A monkey could do it.

You can't renovate a house. You almost took your eye out with a tape measure.

Hey, that thing whips back pretty fast.

All right, we're almost done with your application.

As soon as I get back to the office, I'll plug it into the computer.

We'll match you up with the guy of your dreams.

Look, Larry, it's not that I can't meet guys on my own. I just need a screening

process. The last date asked me to diaper him and put him in a giant crib.

You'd be surprised how many guys that knocks out.

Look, don't get me wrong. I don't mind getting freaky when the Lord's taking a

nap.

That's to talk to a woman who's comfortable with her sexuality.

Now, what would you consider the perfect evening?

A regular girl.

Like a couple of beers, bowl a few frames, hop the fence at the dump, shoot

holes in crap with my 12 -gauge.

I keep a crossbow in my back seat.

I haven't paid at a toll booth in years.

I mean, no one's going to be a hero over 35 cents, if you know what I mean.

Uh -oh, about to lose my sitter.

Oh, well, okay, well, this is a great application.

We're going to have no problem hooking you up.

Look, you know, I was wrong about you. You're an okay guy.

Sorry I registered you as a sex offender.

That's why I never get trick -or -treaters.

Hey, Carrie.

So, uh, you're gonna fix Mimi up, huh?

Yep, that's the plan. Well, you know, there's a lightning storm coming. Why

don't you, uh, find some old body parts, sew them together, you can reanimate

it, put a rose in its hand.

You know, I used to think the same way about Mimi, but I've interviewed

thousands of women, and believe me, she's one of a kind.

Yeah, the other one wouldn't mate with her.

No, I'm serious.

I mean, she's really special.

She wrestled in Mexico.

She pinned La Flocka Grande.

Really?

I knew she fought in Mexico. I just always assumed it was against a matador.

Hey, come on. Lay off her. She's really great. I mean, I'd ask her out myself,

but forgot out that I was hitting on my clients. It could hurt my business.

Make sure she gets out of my house quick.

I keep trying to get her to leave. I slap her on the rump and yell, get. She

just sniffs the air and comes dropping back in the house.

Hey, Drew. Don!

Hey, I asked the guys to help us out. I hope you don't mind. Oh, fine, fine. I

got the color palette for the kitchen all figured out, huh?

We're going with a country feel.

Wow, those are some bright colors there.

What's with the chicken tiles?

You plan on opening a down -home restaurant?

They're accent tiles, Drew.

I know, but don't you want to have something that'll appeal to the most

of buyers?

I like the chickens, Drew.

I already bought the chickens.

They were on sale.

Maybe I should explain to you why they were on sale, Don.

Kitchens sell homes.

People are tired of cookie -cutter houses.

Well, fine. If we're going to have a country kitchen, why don't we put a

in the floor and people can slaughter their own livestock?

Drew, can I just talk to you for one second?

What are you doing, honey?

The whole idea of this was for you and my father to get closer.

And make money, which we can't do if we can't sell the house.

Can you just please try to work with him for me?

Fine. While we're at it, we'll put a rotating bucket on the chimney and we

sell takeout.

Boy, you know, if we keep going at this rate, we'll have this place done in no

time. Yeah, you really got to hand it to Don. The place is looking great.

Who helps warm the room with their homespun charm?

Chickens.

I can't hear you. The chickens, okay?

I like the stupid chickens.

These before and after pictures are going to look great. And I erased the

where you hit Oswald in the crotch with a nine -iron.

Hey, you told me you sent out the funniest home videos.

You just wanted to hit me in the crotch.

When I say the last cupcake's for me, it's for me.

Hey.

Hey. Hey, darling. Hey.

What's the reason for coming along?

Well, uh, I've almost finished the prep work.

Huh.

What? Well, it's nothing. It's just these seams, they're a little crooked.

Well,

it may be a little long for you. We have to be looking to see it.

Well, I was looking for it, and I saw it.

world of hurt, Pops.

It's okay. It's just wallpaper.

We'll just do it all over until it's perfect.

Right now, I'd like to put his head in a bucket of paste until the bubbles stop.

I was a quality control manager for 30 years. This is shoddy work. Now get a

move on. You can cry about it at home, Mary.

You know, you just wasted our entire day. We could have been drinking in our

outside of the women's only gym.

Huh. What?

Well, this is a good effort on the tile.

It turned out a lot better than the wallpaper.

Drop lines are all crooked. Now, this is supposed to be a

nice three -bedroom family home, not a crack den.

What's with the freaking whack job?

care how many times you do this work. It's my money, and you do it over and

again until I'm satisfied. Got it, four eyes?

Four eyes? What are you, 12?

Well, if anybody's being childish, it's you overreacting to a little

constructive criticism cry, baby.

Hey, quit calling me names.

Well, when you do the job right, I'll stop calling you names, you big girl.

Smough the cherries off every part of your daughter's naked body. Have a good

night.

Hey, you quit?

You know, I just cut off the phone with my father. He said you did a bunch of

shoddy work and then walked out.

Did he tell you what happened before I left?

Yeah. You're going to eat cherry pie off my naked body?

That's a lie. I said I was going to eat cherries off your naked body. Only a

crazy madman would get cherry pie out of that. Oh, great.

Great. Now you're calling my father a madman?

He tore up a whole day's work. You know why? Because he said it wasn't perfect.

Well, Drew, he was a quality control supervisor for 30 years. If he ripped up

your work, it wasn't done right, okay?

You were probably cutting corners.

Like you do in bed.

Hey, hey.

I thought we both agreed that I was efficient.

No fancy moves, no showboating, you know?

Just the fundamentals. I do the fundamentals, I do them right. Listen.

I want you to apologize to my father and go back to work.

Call me a crybaby.

I'm not a crybaby. I had a little grout in my eye. That's it.

I'm not a crybaby.

Nothing wrong with the fundamentals.

Not back down.

I don't care if she doesn't marry you. I don't care if another man raises your

child.

Wow.

Thanks for that moment of clarity.

Yeah, hi. It's Don there.

Hey, Lair.

Oh, hey, guys. How are you?

Good. I'm great. Good.

Lewis and I have a question for you.

Did you set Mimi up with the loser because you have a crush on her or

you suck at your job?

What do you mean? What's wrong with Albert?

Looks like his mom dressed him up for picture day.

Hey, he's a perfectly suitable date for Mimi. He's a successful distributor for

styrofoam products.

I thought you were going to be ethical about this and find her a good guy.

All right, I admit it.

Couldn't stand to think of her in bed with another man.

You're not alone there.

He rode his bike here.

Don't jump to conclusions. When you walk around with a backpack with a boy

wizard on it, I'm guessing you take a lot of blows to the head.

Hey, thanks, Elmada.

Albert seems like a decent, dependable guy.

Really?

I just wasn't sure if he was your type.

Oh, he's probably a little conservative in the sack, but I don't mind getting my

hands under the hood and doing a little rewiring.

I knew I should have gone with the shy guy who only talks through his puppet.

How'd the ass -kiffing go?

Well, Don wasn't there, but I left the mess with Annette, told him I was sorry,

and we're back on the job.

Oh, what's the point?

He doesn't trust us now. He's just going to be hovering over us while we work.

Not if he's not around.

I like it.

We wall him up to die in the basement.

Actually, I just figured we'd go there at night when he wasn't there.

I'll tell you what. We'll call killing the grandfather of my child Plan B.

What's going on? What are you guys doing?

Hi, Don.

Hey, quick question.

Did you tell anybody you were coming here?

I called Annette and left a message.

Said I was sorry.

Well, she told me and...

Takes a big man to admit he was wrong.

Ho, ho, ho, hey.

Hey.

The wallpaper seam looks perfectly straight.

Yeah. Aha, whoa.

Grout looks good, too.

Yeah, you know, the way we're going, we'll be done in a couple weeks.

Really, that soon?

Yeah, even put in a ceiling.

A ceiling fan?

No, not exactly, but, you know, it keeps the house cool in the summer, cheaper

than air conditioning.

Yeah, yeah, I guess that's why you see them in cheap diners and whorehouses.

Plan B, Plan B!

Here, let me help you take it down, stupid, little, dumb -ass

children.

It's ridiculous.

You've made fools of yourselves.

So, we thought the 48 -ouncer was going to be a really big seller for us, but it

turns out that that's just too much gut for most people.

No matter how many times I hear that story, it's just as entertaining as the

first time.

Mimi, I don't care what this costs me. I want to go out with you.

Wait a minute. You're the man.

This is very unprofessional.

No, this is. He has irritable bowel syndrome and was arrested for

at the zoo.

Hey!

Mimi, I like everything about you. You're funny, you're sexy, and we have a

connection. I don't care what this does to my reputation or my business. What do

you say?

You'd flush your business down the crapper just to go out with me?

I'm tired of being alone while I'm setting up losers like this.

Wait, that...

Mike, you colossal dork.

So, will you go out with me Saturday night?

Well, I did have a pretty good time with you filling out the dating application.

There's a new Italian restaurant down by the river that's pretty good.

Well, I know that place.

They got a dumpster out back full of rats.

We could have a nice dinner, then we could go around back to see who's a

shot.

And what do I get if I win?

A bunch of dead rats. I'm not a whore.

He's difficult.

Are you happy?

Why do I know what's wrong to say yes? I just don't get it, you know? I talked

to my mom, and she said that ever since he started this project, he's the

happiest he's been since he's retired.

Maybe he's happy because he's got away from your mom.

Drew, please, can we just focus? Let's just trash one of my parents at a time.

Well, all I know is, thanks to your dad, there's more work than when we started.

We're never going to finish that place.

Exactly.

You know?

Maybe that's it.

True. You know, when he was working, he had a sense of purpose. And when he

retired, he seemed almost lost.

You know, look, maybe you're right. Because whenever we talk about finishing

house, that's when his eyes go black. He starts foaming at the mouth.

Babe, can you just maybe slow it down a little bit?

Even if I wanted to, there's hardly any more work to be done.

Okay. Then you never have to see my dad again. That's perfect. And our child

will never know his grandfather.

Well, if he wants to see the grandfather, he can look at him on tape.

Perfect. Good night.

Hey, uh, put on something sexy. I'll be there in a minute.

Okay, here's what I'm thinking.

We knock out this wall right here.

Knock it out, make a great room.

And then we can put in a really nice fireplace in this corner over here.

Wow, I guess we could make a lot more money this way, but it's going to take a

while. Yeah, I'm sorry, but we're...

I'll look at maybe another year.

Well, let's get started.

Nobody ever died from a little hard work.

Actually, millions have.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, honey.

Did you see how happy you made him?

Yeah, it's no problem, I mean, I... Nothing more I'd rather do than spend a

working on this house with your dad.

Excuse me, I have some grout in my eye.

Is it love or goodbye?

Our brand new ultimate love test is next.

And these peep piles here, is that to dress up the board, or are you actually

thinking a thing like that belongs in a coop?

They're called accent tiles.

I don't like people.

They eat us.

By the millions.

I already bought the people tiles.

I like...

The people tiles. They were on sale.

Let me explain to you why they were on sale.

Just my egg hole.