Original subtitles

So we rented under the Tuscan sun last night.

Wow, you guys really know how to party.

Afterwards, did you drink cocoa and read from the Bible?

Come on, it was very romantic.

It's when Diane Lane, she takes her divorce settlement and she buys a villa

Tuscany. It's a metaphor for her life. See, while she's fixing her broken

she's also fixing her broken heart.

See, I get it.

I just didn't like it.

Well, I thought the movie was beautiful.

I'd give anything to see one of those Italian sunsets.

I'm running the movie tonight. We're getting The Longest Yard.

The Longest Yard, see, in that movie, the football game's a metaphor for the

football game.

What was that one with Danny Glover sitting on the crapper with the bomb

strapped to it?

No, why don't they make more movies like that?

They did. They made four, and that was plenty.

Yeah, but they only made one with Glover on the crapper.

Well, the one I hated was Dan.

Why does everybody do that?

What? Stop talking when I walk up.

Because if we ran away, it'd be too obvious?

No, we all work together.

Can't we be friends?

Come on.

Tell me what you're talking about.

Well, um, they were talking about, uh, men sitting on crappers and dancing with

animals. But I was talking about my dream of going to Tuscany. Oh.

Oh, Tuscany. Yeah, when I went to boarding school in Switzerland. We used

over there on the weekends.

You know, break up the monotony of skiing in the Alps.

Yeah, I can see why you'd need a break from that.

No, my dream is more about, like, just renting a villa and drinking wine and

watching the sunset.

Somebody special.

I want to go to that place where the four states meet.

If you're on your hands and knees with a bottle in your mouth, you can drink in

four states at once.

What if all the drinking ages in all the states are the same?

You know, Drew, once we have the baby, we're not going anyplace good for like

years.

You know what?

Dreams can come true.

Kelly, I am going to book a trip for two to Tuscany tomorrow.

back to the bar. You know, that's not I broke the mop killing a rat, so I hope

it's a vomit -free shift.

Ciao.

Well, I wish I could afford to take her on a vacation like that.

Well, if you want to make everybody happy, take out an insurance policy in

name, name her as the beneficiary, and then blow your head off.

She'll learn to love again in Tuscany.

Bye.

Bye. Bye.

All right, make a quick pig, because I want to swing by the gun range before I

pick Gus up from his piano lesson.

Nice to see you, Mimi. Can I get you a beer or something?

I'm PMSing, and I'm going off to shoot guns.

You really want to pour booze on that fire?

Okay, here's the thing.

I know you've been saving for a house, and if you can loan me $2 ,000, I'll be

able to take Kelly on her dream trip to Italy.

Yeah, well, we all have our dreams. I want to put you through a wood chipper,

okay?

But we can't always have what we want.

Why don't you ask your rich boss for a salary advance?

Better yet, why don't you write in on that tramp's ass, and then you'll know

he'll see it.

Scott doesn't like to be approached when he's cheating on trailer.

That's the perfect time to bother him. Just tell him you're having a problem

with your car, that your trailer's making noise, and you need $2 ,000 to

so it don't squeal.

I'm afraid if I force him to sing, he'll pull out a heater and try to plug me.

Hello,

Drew. Hey.

This is Patty.

She's my, uh... Who do you want to be?

An astronaut.

She's my astronaut.

Uh, in between missions, don't you dance topless at a couple places by Clark and

25th?

Scott, what do I do? Don't worry, I'll handle this.

So what do you want, Drew?

Can you give me a $2 ,000 advance on my salary?

Is this blackmail?

Well, no.

Oh, then no.

All right, well, see you later.

Bye, Colonel.

Hey, Drew, I couldn't help it over here. It's pretty exciting having an

astronaut in the place, huh?

Yeah, maybe you can get together later on with her and talk about vast spaces

full of emptiness.

I can't get the money to take Kelly on her trip.

Sorry, man, I feel bad for you, but I know something to make you feel better.

What's that?

Extreme potato skins for five bucks.

They look like regular potato skins. What makes them so extreme?

Since you're here, they're five bucks.

Hey, you know, if you really want to take Kelly to Italy, you need to contact

Lewis' travel agent. He got him a super cheap deal to Branson.

What's Lewis doing in Branson?

When you only got 120 bucks, your options are kind of limited.

120 bucks? Wow.

Yeah. I should see this guy.

Yeah, you should.

So, what can I get you to drink?

Uh, Oswald, I've been drinking beer with you for the last 30 years. What do you

think I want? Yeah, but I'm trying to move the mixed drinks. How about an

extreme banana daiquiri?

Since I'm extremely heterosexual, I'll just have a beer.

Well, look, $500 for an interpreter sounds like a great deal. Worth every

considering the charges against you.

Okay, good luck. And hey, let's hope for just a flogging.

but they'll execute you for damn near anything.

Fred Tuttle, what can I do you for?

Hi, I'm Drew Carey. I want to take my girlfriend to Italy, but I only have $1

,000. Oh, that is a real challenge.

But I do love a challenge. Let's see what we can do.

What's all this stuff?

That, my friend, is Emperor's Blend, a mixture of bee pollen and essential

that provides you with energy, vitality, and sexual potency.

Of all the insects, the bee is the most sexually potent, you know, if you

believe the old stories.

Would you be interested in becoming a distributor and spreading the health

secrets of ancient China?

No, I mean, I wouldn't want some Chinese guy spreading secrets about me.

So, uh, can you get me Italy for a thousand bucks or what? Are you married

Italy? Because if you would settle for a country ending in Than, I could get you

there for nickels.

I had a heart that untucked me, but, you know, if we ever want to go to a place

where there's a Civil War raging, I mean, you'd be the guy.

Let me crunch some numbers, see what we have.

Oh, here's a red eye with one, two, only three layovers.

Two -star hotel.

2 ,100. You can't beat it.

Ah, gee, that's a little out of my price range. Sorry.

Hey, hey, sit down. We're just getting started here.

Listen, I can shave 400 off that price right now if you're willing to fly

into... What are they calling that crap hole now?

Slovenia, yes.

And drive through Serbia and Austria into Italy.

Oh, yeah. That way I can see the rest of Europe at the same time. That's a good

idea. Absolutely.

Now, technically, you'll be delivering a car from one dealer to another.

When you say dealer, you mean car dealer, right?

Sure, you say so.

Hotel situation.

I know an old family who has a beautiful villa in Tuscany, and they'll rent you

a room.

Wow. That'd be great.

Now, when I say old, that means there's some caretaking involved.

We're looking for something a little more romantic. This is kind of my

girlfriend's dream.

Thousand bucks, dream of a lifetime.

All right, let's see.

There we go.

four -star hotel.

Can I afford that?

Yes. It's a one -star hotel. Name the four -star hotel.

So what does that bring us down to? Let's see. We got $1 ,500.

It's a little steep.

Okay, look.

Can you cry on cue?

Well, I cry a lot, but I don't remember when it's coming. Why?

Bereavement airfare, my friend. I have a death certificate here showing that a

relative of yours died in Italy.

Now, you have won Giuseppe Buscheri to thank for receiving blunt trauma to the

head from person or persons unknown.

Everybody's saving you 30%. Yeah, 30%. That's a good.

What are we down to now?

Oh, well, a week in Italy. Hotel, airfare. Transportation, $12 .50. What

say?

Uh, yeah, I mean, I guess I can get the extra $2 .50 somewhere.

Bee pollen.

Sounds itself.

Okay.

Drew, what is this? Okay, I have to do this, because as soon as you see what

we're having for dinner, you're going to know.

Okay, ready?

Yeah. Surprise!

What's the thing you want more than anything else in the world?

A healthy baby. I know. Besides that, though, what else?

Oh, for us to love each other and always be happy. No, no, be realistic.

Where was pizza invented?

America. What?

Well, you know what?

Most people think that pizza was invented in Italy, but that's not true.

Italy. We're going to Italy. Now the pizza's cold. There, you happy?

What do you mean we're going to Italy?

I bought the... tickets we're going to Tuscany baby yeah

you might have to learn how to drive a stick and clean

some bed sores but we're going to Tuscany you know what I hope we run into

trailers so we can rub our face in it we might not be staying at the same hotel

but we're going

I'm just about to get some. Thanks for taking me to Italy, Seth.

Look, Lewis called.

He's stranded in Branson. There's a problem with the travel agency.

Crap.

Ripping me off. There goes my vacation.

How am I supposed to tell Kelly?

Maybe he takes his furniture with him when he goes home at night.

Cops really didn't seem to care that that travel agent ripped you off.

Of course they didn't. I'm the little guy.

Stupid millionaire cops.

Is there any way you can stop the check?

No. They said it was already cashed by a laughing man who tried to sell the

teller bee pollen.

Hey, you know what? I bought the cutest little sundress for Italy, Drew. I'll

try it on. Let me just cut off the tat. Don't!

Don't cut the tags off the new stuff.

There's been a little, uh, snafu with the tickets.

Um, they don't actually exist.

I'm not going to Italy?

Well, not in the crude physical sense, but, you know, the mind is free to soar

wherever the body... I knew you'd screw this up. You only do one thing, but you

do it really well.

There was no way I could have known.

Hey, you know, it's not his fault. I set him up with a guy.

Oh, well, then you're off the hook. Because who would have thought that

listening to low normal over there would be a mistake?

It's okay.

Although this is a camisole I bought for our first night in Italy.

Hey, it's pretty well cut. I'll just use it for nursing.

Honey, I tried everything. I even asked Scott for an advance. But he was too

busy talking to his brawless astronaut to give me the time of day.

In all fairness to her, Drew, there's no gravity up there. She doesn't really

need a bro.

Boy, you are so crystal clear about things when they're unimportant.

You know, if Traylor finally caught Scott cheating, she might not want to go

away with him on her prepaid, non -refundable trip.

Wait, so what you're saying is we should break them up?

But, Mimi, even if we could break them up, there's no guarantee that she'd give

us the trip.

Well, maybe she wouldn't give it to us, but she might sell it to us cheap.

I mean, maybe she wants the financial security of $20 a month the rest of her

life.

Wow, do you really think you can break them up? Well, it's not going to be that

hard. He's getting so sloppy with his affairs.

Yeah, I'll probably get caught in Italy anyway.

He'll come home with underarm hair in his collar, so just chuck him into a

canal.

piece of cake i got both their computer passwords i just hack in rearrange their

schedule next thing oops a girlfriend and a mistress hair pulling and slap

fighting in a fancy restaurant wow do you think there's any chance the lobster

tank will break and they'll they'll start wrestling all wet and slippery hey

oswald lewis put parental controls on the porno channel when he left you

he

I brought it on myself.

Scotch rocks.

Yes, it does.

But not as hard as tequila.

Just give me a bottle of scotch and go away.

Boy, she's really mad. Yeah.

So did you do it?

Oh, yeah.

I fixed it so the trailer would be eating at the same seafood restaurant

Scott was bringing his hors du jour. It was great.

You were there?

Yeah, I got a table far away so that I could kind of blend in with the

background.

Are you going to keep making jokes or are you going to tell us what happened?

I knew she'd be mad, but I never thought she would yank a... 200 -pound

swordfish off the wall and try and stab Scott with it.

Hey, so, uh, what's the etiquette here? I mean, how long do you wait before you

try to lowball him on a trip to Europe?

Well, she weighs about 90 pounds, and she's sucking extreme scotch from the

bottle. I'd say you got about 10 minutes till extreme alcohol poisoning.

Hey, uh, Trailer.

Hey, you want to join us? No, thanks.

Oh, gee, what happened? You look kind of upset.

Well, I just broke up with Scott and found out that a stuffed swordfish costs

$800.

I was the last one to know he was cheating on me. I'm such an idiot.

You know what you should do? You should get back at him by making a big grand

gesture of some sort.

Like giving away that trip to Italy. You know, like I meant nothing to you. Just

giving it away.

Boy, that'd tear me up. Oh, yeah.

It's my own fault.

I let human emotions creep into simple business advancement sex.

Rookie mistake.

It's not a mistake. Come on, you cared about him, right?

You know, my ex -husband, he cheated on me for years before I found out.

Yeah, but that was you. Look at me.

He cheated on me.

She's got a point there, honey.

Now look, here's what you gotta do. You have to give away everything that

reminds you of Scott.

You know, letters,

pictures, airline ticket prices.

Actually, you know what? A trip could be exactly what I need right now.

I should go somewhere and just forget about that lying weasel.

What if I told you that there's a place where you could burn Scott's picture in

four states at once?

Nope.

I'm going to Tuscany.

I'm going to have a great time. I'm going to shop, eat, drink, maybe ride a

gondolier. Oh, you mean gondola. I know what I said.

I mean, what about Scott's ticket? You gonna take anybody with you?

I'm not taking you, Drew.

I'm right in front of your pregnant girlfriend.

God, men are pigs.

No, Drew.

You're talking about Kelly. You should take Kelly. She could be the friend you

never had.

Well, it would be nice to have some company.

And she doesn't know exactly what you're going through.

Sure. Why not?

Drew, can I just talk to you for a second?

What are you doing?

I'm trying to get you to Italy. No. No.

I do not want to go with her.

Yeah, but she can take you there in a way that I couldn't afford to. You get

first class airfare, five star hotels.

I mean, if you're lucky, you won't even have to come into contact with an actual

Italian.

Come on. This isn't what I wanted. It's not what I want either. But you'll have

fun with her. She's sophisticated.

She can take you to museums.

If you took me to a museum, I would punish you by being cranky all day.

generous offer.

Thank you.

You can thank me by holding my hair in the bathroom while I say goodbye to the

Scotch. Oh, uh, honey, let's just take it out in the parking lot, okay?

The mop is broken.

Hey, what are you doing? Where's your bags? I was supposed to take you to the

airport. Well, I decided that I could wait 20 years to go to Tuscany.

Oh, you know, it might be longer.

Might have to wait for the continents to drift back together so we can drive.

Okay, well, it's the most romantic place on Earth, so I'll wait as long as I

have to so I can go with you.

Wow.

You know, Drew, I wasn't able to return that camisole I bought.

I'm wearing it right now.

Well, I wasn't able to do laundry, so I'm wearing my old bathing suit inside

out.

Those little mesh underpants give me a rash.

Well, it's not that I haven't seen before.