Original subtitles

Paper Boy got his shirt off again?

Maybe.

I was not watching the Paper Boy. He's only 14.

Oh, great, you ruined my I -can't -pay -the -newspaper -bill fantasy.

Wait.

No, you didn't.

Well, thank you. I was feeling kind of creepy about spying on the neighbors,

now I don't.

Everybody does it. You know, the Watkins over... on the corner, she's gooned out

on pills, and he's doing the cable guy.

And then the Crawfords, right next door, they adopted a Romanian kid. He climbs

her tree and videotapes Watkins in the cable guy.

Well, I hope these new neighbors are nice.

Well, let's find out.

Mm -hmm. Okay.

Oh, oh, avocado green appliances, beanbag chairs.

My God, they moved here from the 70s.

Hey, we got to get some blinds or something. That Romanian kid was up in

tree watching me again.

All right, going off to the airport.

Okay, well, tell Beulah we said hi.

It's going to be a long flight, so you might want to take along your squeaky

so you don't get bored in your crate.

Bye.

So, we're alone for the whole week.

Whatever are we going to do with ourselves?

We can meet the neighbors.

Now, this is where I get confused.

Are your breasts the neighbors, the girls, the twins? What are they?

They're the girls, but I was talking about the people who moved in across the

street. You know, I don't know any of our neighbors, and they seem really

and I want to have them over. I don't know any of the neighbors either. I

like it that way.

If we knew our neighbors, we could help Mrs. Watkins deal with the fact that her

husband's gay and get her off the pill.

Her husband's not gay. He's just doing the cable guy for a free football

package.

Now, listen, once you meet the neighbors, then it starts with, you

borrow your lawnmower? Can you feed my cat? Hey, do you want to swing with us?

What kind of neighborhood is this? Is someone asking us to swing?

No, somebody asked me to ask you.

I want to do this.

We're a couple now, and we don't have any couple friends.

Yeah, well, you know what happened? They introduced you to someone else. Next

thing you know, you got a whole circle of friends. Then you're going over to

their place. They're coming over to your place all the time. It's always fun,

fun, fun.

Is that what you want?

Yes. Why should I suffer because you're needy?

Okay, if you say so. I guess there's nothing I can do.

Oh, no.

What's happening?

I seem to be moving towards their door. Oh, my God.

Don't blame me if I do something crazy when the cable bill comes.

to you today?

Can I include the lawn chair blues?

Oh, you sure can.

It's a trick question. It's not a song.

You hear that, honey? Last ten minutes. Not even a song.

Buddy, we've been here all day. Let's give them back their house.

Oh, no, no, no. That's what Sundays are for, huh?

Hanging around.

Playing the blues with your neighbor.

You hear that, Kelly? That's what Sundays are for now.

Yeah.

Yeah, but you know what? I mean, I'm not just a one -trick pony, all right? Name

a movie. Any movie. God.

Oh, God.

Okay, that's George Burns.

Right? John Denver, 1977.

George Burns goes, I promised to tell the whole truth and nothing but the

so help me.

Me. Right?

And then John Denver is all, look, if you're really God, how can you permit

the suffering in the world? And then George Burns goes, I don't permit the

suffering.

You do.

are done because i am do you want to be the shooter or do you want to do the

whole true's no good at picking movies why don't you pick one kelly how about

star trek 4 the voyage home yeah yeah that's a good

one that's the one with the way

to talk to you. I'm in big trouble.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait, what's your name? Oswald.

Oswald got himself some trouble.

Oh, no.

Who's he? He's very talented.

So, tell me your troubles.

Take the rest of the afternoon if you need to.

Well, you know that burger chef figurine that Lewis is always telling me not to

touch? You're broke.

Actually, G .I. Joe broke it in a fight.

But, you know, I feel partially responsible.

I mean, he's a Green Beret. He's trained to kill. It's not really his fault.

Just get loose another one. They don't make them anymore, and even if they did,

this one had a chip on its nose.

What do I do?

Buy another one off the Internet. Chip its nose, put it back where you found

that one.

That's what the fireman said.

Don't call them out unless there's actually a fire. They get really mad.

Honey, buddy's doing something you just gotta say.

Well, Drew, you've got your Hollywood friends to entertain.

I'll see you later.

That's my best cue. You mind pulling it out of the ground? Oh, yeah.

I'm really tired.

Drew, Kelly, thank you for a wonderful afternoon.

Oh, thank you. Yeah, we're kind of tired, too. We want to get a nap. Oh,

Come on. Who can sleep when there's a...

I don't know what he'll do.

Would you go over and talk to him? He's asking for you.

Me? Why me?

You're the only friend he has in the neighborhood.

Hi, hear that, Kelly?

I get to talk to my crying friend three in the morning.

B -Buddy?

Buddy?

You know, I'm a worthless piece of crap.

Well, realizing you have your problem is the first step to recovery. So good

night. No, no, no, don't go.

Oh, for God's sakes, what's the matter? I'm bummed. Sarah pays for everything.

I don't have a job. And the only dream I ever had, I gave up on.

Well, why don't you let go of my ankle and go pursue that dream?

You don't even ask what it is.

All right, what is it? Okay, well...

Back in Philadelphia, there was this old theater, and I wanted to buy it and

change it into a silent movie house.

That's a good idea.

You don't think it's stupid?

No. As a matter of fact, I think you should go back to Philadelphia and do

Well, look, couldn't I just do it here in Cleveland?

No, no. Philadelphia, they love silent movies.

And they love the blues.

Well, I calmed him down. I think he's going to be fine.

are a good man, Drew Carey. Eh, write a musical about it.

Hey, I saw the light on. Look, I just wanted to thank

you for helping me, and what better way than with Buddy's Famous French Toast?

Well, I mean, you were there for me during my darkest moment, and that makes

my best friend.

Great. I was just about to get a beer.

Oh, you know what? That's another thing. I mean, as your new best friend, I kind

of have to tell you, you drink a little bit too much.

That's funny. I was just thinking of kicking it up a notch.

Hey, honey.

Uh -oh.

Is Buddy still driving you crazy?

Yeah. And remember, crazy is a legal defense, so I'm not responsible for

anything I do.

I realize that I am the one pushing this relationship, but now I give you

official permission to cut Buddy loose.

Thank you.

You know, between this Buddy fiasco and that little freckle on your back, I was

this close to kicking you to the curb.

Hey, guys.

Found another burger chef. So all I have to do is get the nose to look like this

one. I'm set.

Also, why don't you just tell Lewis the truth and give him the new one? Well, I

can't do that. This is the only thing his father ever gave him.

I'm not sure his father also gave him the genes for alcoholism and suicide.

Let me hold the bottom for you. Oh, thanks, Kelly.

That's sweet of you.

Should I get that right like that?

seen this was a bad idea?

I had my doubts about you ever since I bought this place.

You're working on Saturday.

Oh, no.

How did he find me? I don't think I can take this anymore.

I don't want any trouble in my place, Drew.

This here is a peaceful establishment.

Hey, Drew!

How'd you find me here? Oh, well, uh... This is the closest bar to your house,

and you've got a drinking problem.

Here, that's enough for you. Barkeep, cranberry and soda for my good buddy

here. Oh, what's that?

Oh, it's your liver saying, thank you, buddy.

Thank you.

Tough, because we would spend a lot of time together, and I'm going to go put

some music. I'll be right back.

Oh, that is so sad, Drew. He knows what you're going to say, and he's avoiding

it. Oh, you're so compassionate.

But I'm not, so this should be easy for me.

Hey, you know what would be great right now? The ability to teleport.

No. If we got everybody to sing along like in My Best Friend's Wedding.

No, not that kind of bar.

The moment I wake up Before I put on my makeup

I'll say a little prayer for...

What are you doing?

Everybody was really getting into it.

No, they weren't. I was saying a little prayer for you because I was going to

kick your ass.

He's going to wait until you went to the bathroom and stab you.

Look, buddy.

I know you'll want to hear this, but I need some time away from you.

Oh, no, I get it. I come on a little too strong. You just try too hard. No, no,

I'm an idiot.

No? No, no, you can say it. I'm worthless.

Yes, I'm a dummy, a goop bag, a ninny, a dip dick, a gooper.

You know what?

I should just get on all fours like an animal.

15 years at the same job, just stuck in a tiny cubicle like veal.

Spending 15 years in a cubicle doesn't make you a loser, I'm hoping.

I ought to just go.

No, no, here. Have a seat. I'll buy you a drink. Look, I mean, I know that I can

get, you know, a little annoying with, you know, all the trivia.

World War II England, we'd be in rubble by now.

You can't bring a child into that happy home.

doing some canning.

Really? I do that.

I bet you do.

Well, if we're going to survive the winter, I better start that jerky.

I couldn't help overhearing your conversation with Sarah.

I thought you were in the basement.

Yeah, well, I had to come up for some rhubarb. So, uh... Anyway, you know,

sometimes a person outside a relationship can see things...

more clearly than the people inside the relationship.

So I just couldn't help noticing that your wife is a world -class biatch.

I mean, you really think so?

Yeah, she's a horrible, abusive, shrill, emasculating nutcracker.

Wait, wait, so you don't think that there's anything wrong with me?

No, I think you're just annoying and so clingy because you'd rather be anywhere

else but home.

She makes me have sex with her.

I don't like it.

You're going to have to stand up for yourself, man.

You're going to have to tell me you're not going to take that. You're fed up

with her being such a... Just a horrible, abusive, shrill, emasculating

nutcracker. Yes, by George.

By George, I think you've got it. Oh, that's My Fair Lady, 1964.

George Cukor directed that. See, there's nothing wrong with you but that.

You're just a regular guy who had hopes and dreams, and she just, she crushed

them. Yeah.

I did want to open that silent movie theater in Philadelphia.

Yeah, and what did she say when he told her? She told me that I should make like

a silent movie and shut the hell up.

Pretty funny. It's cruel, but it's pretty funny.

Here's what you should do.

Go back there. March back to that house. Be a man.

Look her right in the eye and tell her that there's going to be some changes

around here. Yeah, just like Peter Finch said in Network, I'm not...

I'm sure he meant that.

Ultimate Love Tactics next on ABC.

You still haven't gotten the last one?

I bought everyone a hat on the internet. If I ruin this one, I'm screwed.

I can't do it!

Oh, for God's sake.

Here you go.

Oh, Kelly, you did it!

Wow!

Now if I can only figure out a way to get Lewis's car off...