Original subtitles

Hey, guys.

Uh, wow, this has to be some kind of mistake.

No, that's right.

I usually just charge you half. That's how much you actually drink.

Oh, my God, we have a problem.

Should we go to a meeting or something?

After the drunken scene we made there last time?

Honey, if you're going to start charging me for everything I drink... I don't

know why I'm in this relationship.

I'm sorry.

You know, Joey says that we've had a few bad months, so no more freebies.

Well, you know why, Blaine?

All these big chains.

Where all the bars look the same. This place has history. Drew, your father,

used to pass out in his own puke back in that booth right back there.

And so have you.

And someday, God willing, your son... Or daughter.

Well, you know, as long as it's healthy.

We'll pass out in his or her own puke back there, too.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Now, can you give me $58 so I can close out and go home?

You can sit down and have a beer with us?

Lewis, I'm pregnant.

Oh, I see.

You bought into that old wives' tale that you can't drink while you're

Let me tell you something. My mom drank while she was pregnant.

Oswald's mom drank while she was pregnant, and I think we turned out just

You know, pregnancy is... So unfair, because it's the mother who has to give

everything. She has to give up beer, she has to give up caffeine, fish, because

of the mercury.

Dad doesn't have to give up anything.

Hey, your body's going to go all to hell. It's not going to be easy for

You know, honey, you're right.

You shouldn't have to go through this alone.

I'm going to give up fish with mercury, too.

That's so sweet, honey. You're going to give up something that you hate anyway.

Maybe I'll just give up something that I'm not too fond of.

Hey, whoa, whoa. Let's not go crazy here.

All right, I'll give up drinking, too.

No,

no, that was what you call a chest jerk. You're supposed to say, no, honey, I

would never ask you to do that. Well, I didn't ask you to do that. You brought

it up, and I think it is nice.

All right, I'll be supportive.

No drinking till the baby's born. Here's 60 bucks. Keep the change.

The bill's 58.

That's how I tip when I'm sober.

I'm here for a pickup.

Mission accomplished.

Well? Uh, give me a second. It's here somewhere.

Uh, here's your package.

There'll be another pickup tomorrow, same time.

Uh, walk slow.

Floor's wet.

Oh, yeah, that's it, bike man.

Careful, floor's wet. Oh, thanks.

Hey. Hey, Drew.

Hey, Lewis and I are heading over to the Warthog. You want to join us? What, so

I can watch you get hammered while I sip on ginger ale?

You don't have to do that. You can sit in my car until I'm ready to be driven

home.

You know, you should really do this with me.

Ever since I quit drinking, I feel great.

I have more energy. My work is better.

Wow, really?

No!

I'm on the verge of crying.

It's only been a week. It can't be that bad. Don't you minimize my pain?

I can finally see my light clearly. Do you know what that's like?

Oh, true.

My senses are alive.

I... I can see the crappy furniture I own. I can smell the bus fumes from the

bus that I sit on.

I can hear the people snickering behind my back.

We'll try to keep it down.

Look, I can't just stand by and watch you as you destroy your life by not

drinking.

I know, but I told Kelly I wouldn't do it anymore. You told Kelly you wouldn't

drink in front of her.

No, I told Kelly I wouldn't drink at all. Shh, I'm working here.

All right, here's what I'm thinking.

If a drunk passes out in a forest and nobody hears him, does his girlfriend

know?

So what I hear you saying is, as long as I don't drink right in front of her,

I'm still being supportive.

No, I'm saying we should get a couple of six -packs, go out to the park and get

faced.

All I need is a beer to take the edge off.

And then...

Five more beers to make me forget that I'm getting drunk with a guy in a park.

Hey, you know what? We got beer down in the warehouse.

I could call up Louis. He could meet us there after work.

You know what, Oswald?

It's management.

I just have to say that I'm so disappointed that you were drinking on

time. And it's five o 'clock.

I'm off the clock. Why don't you go tell Louis I'll be right down. I'm going to

hit the John. I'll see you down.

Something to show you. Oh, really? Is it going to take long? Because I'm meeting

Drew for lunch.

Check out that ass.

You could bust a tooth on that.

Hi, Lance.

Hi, Mimi. What do you have for me today?

Another package.

Can I have it?

Abstitutely.

Thanks, Mimi. See you later.

Wow, another quarter.

These things are all over the place.

Is that worth the roll of quarters or what?

gonna have him deliver this to you.

And then you have him deliver something back to me.

Come on, Mimi. I'm in a relationship.

Hey, God put that man on this earth for us to look at.

Are you questioning the Lord's infinite wisdom?

Hey, honey.

Hey, baby.

Something I have to tell you.

You're not gonna like it.

I drank last night. night.

You did?

Yeah, I wanted a quick drink and a support shift, but, you know, I was

all week about how I'm gonna pay for braces and college and health insurance

there's that damn hip -hop music you listen to, I can't stand.

It's okay, it's okay. I know you couldn't do it.

You're a weak man.

Drew, I need to speak with you. Um, I'll see you downstairs, okay?

Yeah.

Something I need to show you guys.

Something went on in the warehouse last night. I'd like some information about

who's responsible.

How would I know? I wasn't there.

We have you on surveillance camera.

Oh, last night.

Now,

you,

the matador, are simply stupid.

But the bowl... while driving company equipment drunk gored a big screen TV.

Yeah, well, you know what?

Looks like you can't prove anything unless the bull comes forward.

And, uh, frankly, that'd make him as stupid as the matador.

That's true.

But here's what I can do. I can fire Oswald if he doesn't tell me who the

guy was.

Either way, it's a good day for me because I get to fire somebody.

Wait, what if I was so drunk I don't remember who I was hanging out with? Ah,

you can't fire me for that.

Yes, I can. I know.

Lewis didn't come home last night.

He may still be in that big box of packing peanuts.

I'm just going to go tell Traylor that it was me driving the forklift.

Drew, you can't do that. She'll fire you.

Besides, you know, it was my idea. I took us down there. I was the one who

off my coat and said, Toro, Toro, Toro.

Yeah, but I was already driving the forklift trying to knock the beer can

Lewis' head.

Drew, you can't lose your job right now.

You know, you're supporting Mimi and Gus, and you've got a kid on the way.

Besides, I've gone as far as I can go with this company.

You're at the bottom.

I know. I've hit the glass floor.

I can't let you do this, Oswald.

Drew, you've done so much for me. Let me do this one thing for you.

I'm going to march right into Traylor's office and tell her, no way am I giving

up my buddy, Drew.

You know,

a simple I'm not telling, I think, would be, you know, that'd be dramatic as

hell.

The beer and the stocky and the steak and the shots.

Hey, that was fun.

Hey, who knew that the good steak places had karaoke?

Hey, Don, you were singing into a lobster claw.

And you're standing on the dessert cart. I was looking forward to the creme

brulee, and you have to step on the last one.

You really took a bullet for me today, buddy. I'm never going to forget this.

I owe you a lot more than a steak dinner.

Does that mean I get ice cream?

No, you already had chocolate cake, and you're going to be running around all

night as it is.

I don't think this is the right level.

You said you parked in coyote level.

Coyote level, wolf level, fox level. Can't they throw in an elephant or a

giraffe or something to remember when you're in the bag?

I better check the next level up.

Ah, you stepped on my foot.

Sorry. Jeez, man, what else did I do to you today?

That's all right.

Oh, I'm tired of my shoelace. I'm going to have to bend down.

My head goes below my knees. I'll pass out.

I'll get it. I'll get it.

If you kneel down in front of him, it's going to look bad on the security

camera.

Oh, now you know the security camera. That's great. That would have come in

handy yesterday, save us a lot of trouble.

Hey, look.

My shoelace is getting sucked into the side of the escalator.

I'll toss him his toe.

have a baby toe in a thousand years.

So, for once in his life, he's ahead of the curve.

Couldn't even get a cab to the hospital.

They wouldn't stop for three screaming drunks, and Oswald was waving a bloody

sock.

His shoelace got caught, honey. It was an accident. I should have tied his

I should have tied his shoe.

So what if I look like the parking lot pleasure boy to the guy in the street?

beating yourself up about Oswald, okay?

But I would like to hear more about your gay episode in the parking lot.

Hey, tying another guy's shoe isn't gay.

I mean, it didn't used to be.

Hi, Kelly Newmark.

This is for you.

I told her not to do that.

And you have something to go back to Mimi Boba Carey?

I don't.

No, no, it says here there's a pickup.

Okay, okay.

Here you go.

They don't have pencils in her office?

Not sharpened.

Hey, guys.

Hey, look. How you feeling?

We're doing great. We got pain pills.

Can I have one? My foot hurts.

Shut up. You'll get hooked.

Again, Oswald, I am so sorry about what happened, man. I don't know what to tell

you. Anything you want, I wish I could make it up to you.

Stop being so hard on yourself, Drew. You know, my foot will heal and I'll

another job.

Certainly nothing that requires you to wear sandals.

I'm not mad at you, Drew. I'm mad at the guy who designed that stupid escalator.

I mean, what if that shoelace had been around my neck?

Well, then you wouldn't have been out in public. You'd be in a home where they

wouldn't let you have shoelaces.

You know what we ought to do?

We ought to sue that mall.

Get a couple grand off them.

But we were drunk and they have video. I mean, it's our fault.

Doesn't matter.

This is America.

A land where if you're dumb enough, anything is possible.

You can start out with nothing.

Be driving with hot coffee in your lap, hit a bump, spill the coffee.

You're a millionaire.

And you know why?

Because it's always someone else's fault, Drew. That's right.

Why start a company when you can walk in front of the company, slip and sue the

company, and end up owning the company?

God bless the American legal system. A glorious machine that turns stupidity

into cold, hard cash.

Yeah, yeah, there should have been a warning on that escalator.

Well, there was, but thanks to you.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Sure, Traylor. By the way, you look even lovelier than usual today, but of

course that's easy for you.

Wait a minute. That's an insult.

Oh, I'm so sorry. I meant it as a backhanded compliment.

And what may I do for you?

I've been looking at these invoices.

It seems you've been messengering packages to your home at company

Anything you'd care to explain?

That's quite simple, you see.

what the kids are stealing these days.

There's nothing in here.

Oh, now I get it. You're insane.

However, it's costing the company money. I mean, I'm here for the pickup.

Hi,

Lance.

Said we got a package for him or what?

I guess this last one won't hurt.

Problem is, it needs to go to my home address.

At, uh, 8 .30.

The door will be open. Just come on in.

Hey, look.

Sacagawea dollar.

What? Give me that.

It's supposed to be a quarter.

We regret your in... and while we are in no way admitting fault, my

clients would like to settle this matter quickly.

Yeah, good.

So did you have a figure in mind?

We won't settle for a penny less than $50 ,000.

That sounds fair.

And another 50 after that and another 50 on top of that. Too late. You said 50.

Okay.

I'll draw up the paperwork and you'll have a check in a couple of days.

Why don't you start out with $100 ,000, $200 ,000?

$50 ,000.

Hell, I could have done that.

I am so happy for you. What are you going to do without that money? I don't

know. I'm not going to change, though. I'll tell you that much.

Although I'll probably be a little more impatient with the poor.

You know what? You should talk to an investment advisor.

Are you kidding me?

I'm rich. He should be talking to me.

I'll tell you what.

investment's going to be, though. I'm going to buy a round of beer for my

friend. All right.

Isn't that ironic? I only got this money because Drew couldn't keep a simple

promise to his girlfriend.

See? What I break my promise is people get rich.

Now listen, this is a once -in -a -lifetime opportunity for Oswald. We

make sure that nobody takes advantage of how trusting he is.

This is about me, isn't it?

No silk suits.

No exotic pets. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You know what? This is insulting.

He's my friend.

I only need $8 ,000 for a male and female alpaca.

No. A diving suit to look for sunken treasure?

Are you going to travel the world looking for pirate booty?

No. Look, hundreds of people get drunk and drown in Lake Erie every year, okay?

What do you think happens to their rings, watches, and wallets?

You're not going to blow Oswald's money robbing underwater corpses.

Hey, Oswald, we were talking about it. We think you should be very conservative

with this money and save it.

Oh, I don't have it anymore.

What? How much does beer cost now?

Oh, no, no, no.

Joy and I just agreed on a deal for me to buy a piece of the Warsaw.

I have a contract and everything.

We have to see if we can get him out of this.

Hey, who knows more about what people want in a bar than I do, right?

I really think I can turn this place around.

Really? Like how?

Well, for starters, how about Frosted Mug?

Frosted Mug.

That'd be nice.

How about a big screen TV for Monday Night Football? That would pack the

Yeah, well, you know, I've got to admit, maybe with some better management, this

place could really take off.

I can do this. And, Drew, because you got me the money, you're going to drink

for free for the rest of the year.

Calendar or fiscal?

Whatever. I think you're the perfect guy to keep the tradition of the

neighborhood tavern alive.

I hope you're really sticking to those big corporate guys.

Oh, I plan on building a place up so I can sell it to the big corporate guys.

If that's what you're shooting for, you should know that fiscal means financial.

Oh. Well, the way I plan to run this place, every year will be a fiscal year.

Hey, you are going to be my boss now.

Can you believe it?

You know I'm not paying you to sit around and talk to your friends.

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