Original subtitles

I still think you should have gotten the extended warranty.

Nope. Consumer Reports says that's a scam.

It's too bad, because I just dropped my gum down the vent.

It's true. You can't do anything and chew gum at the same time.

What the hell is that?

Oh, I know the answer to this one.

Uh, what did your mother scream when the doctor handed you to her?

I didn't lend you money to buy a TV. I lent you money to fix the roof.

I did. I had money left over for a TV.

I knew you wouldn't believe me, so I bought a TV to prove it.

I'm saving my money to buy a house so I can get out of this crap hole.

Hey, I don't think a crap hole has a 27 -inch TV with picture in a picture, huh?

Thanks to this baby, now we're living in a stink hole.

Take it back. I want my money. And I want to watch court TV, where people

the nerve to kill people they hate.

You two have really been bitching at each other lately.

What's it to you?

I like it.

If I close my eyes, I can pretend it's Christmas morning and my parents are

still together.

Do a color or worthless whore and make a slapping sound.

Uh, you two are still new at the whole roommate thing. Let me give you a tip on

how we make it work. When you have a fight, say two positive things for every

negative thing.

All right, uh, you're a good mom.

I appreciate that you do all the grocery shopping.

I'm sorry that nuclear testing released you from your watery grave.

Okay, now it's my turn.

Oh, I owe you two positive things, you four -eyed moron.

And the healing begins.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Gavin.

Who's Gavin?

Some rich guy Mimi's been dating.

Mimi's dating a rich guy? Yeah, his wife died and left him all their money from

their restaurant supply company.

Oh, can we get one of those signs that say, please wait for the hostess to seat

you? We'll put it on the bathroom door. It'll be hilarious.

My dream is they'll get married and move out to the country.

It'll be nice for her. She'll have room to run.

Wait a minute.

Mimi's dating a rich guy?

You know what this means?

What? This means that people who lose their spouses become desperate, huh?

I'm thinking we might look pretty good through a black veil, huh?

Yeah, and the widows are rolling in insurance money. Yeah, and they need

companions. I could walk a chihuahua and carry a hat box. Yeah.

And if I spit out my gum, I can too.

Yeah.

Bye -bye.

Who's that, Gavin?

Yep. He wants me to go out with him tonight.

Well, what are you waiting around here for? Go upstairs, run a comb through

back, get the hell out of here.

I can't. My babysitter's out of town.

Too bad.

I had a feeling tonight's the night I would have made Gavin's eyes spin around

his head like a freaking slot machine.

I'll, uh, I'll babysit Gus, boy.

I thought you had a date with Kelly.

That was before you met this guy whose house you could move into.

Now here's what you do. You go pull out all the stuff.

Use every filthy trick you ever learned in an airport hotel room, a back

alleyway, or a stadium port -a -potty.

And after, act ashamed.

That's what makes it hot.

Moon over, bring my love to me tonight.

Guide her to East Lake.

Underneath your silvery light.

Get her past the radar mountain.

Bring her back to Lake County.

Moon over Parma tonight.

Moon over Parma. Shine on I -271.

We can get together in the warm light of the sun.

We're going bowling.

So don't lose your insoles.

tonight.

As long as it's not too tight -fitting, that'd be fine.

Relax, I am going with my cousin.

Look, I'm really sorry about all this. If I don't babysit for Gus, Mimi's never

going to feel the deal with this guy. I'll never get her out of here. You

I think it's very sweet that you want to babysit Gus. It shows that you're going

to be a good daddy. And good daddies make good husbands. That's why you

marry me.

What, marry a guy who breaks a date? I don't think so.

Whoa, Mimi, you look great.

Really? Because I'm kind of nervous to meet Gavin's friends tonight.

What are you nervous for? You're out of season.

You know, if you can stay up until 10, I'll bring you a little surprise.

I'll just get it tomorrow, then.

Those tweets tonight, they were out of teeth.

I don't want him to be the only kid sent home from school because he forgot his

dentures.

Yeah, that's what will make him ashamed.

Not the Yeti in a houseboat waiting to pick him up after school.

Just go ahead and get going. Me and Gus will be fine. We always get along great.

Right, buddy?

Okay, well, bye, honey. I'll see you tomorrow morning.

Don't stay out too late. Remember, you've got to get up early to go to the

airport, sniff the luggage, look for those Cuban cigars.

I'm done.

What? What's it? At least finish your milk.

I don't want to.

If you finish your milk, we can go color.

You drink it.

Why'd you do that? I'm going to go color. No, you're not.

You're going to go clean that up, and I'll go get a napkin, and we'll do it

together. I won't do it.

Look, if you don't clean that up, your mom's gonna come down here in the middle

of the night, slip on it, and break her neck.

No, we gotta clean it up.

No!

If you clean it up, I'll get you some candy.

I already ate all your candy.

That's why I don't want your stupid sandwich.

You ate all the candy?

Mm -hmm.

How'd you get up here?

Yeah, no wonder. You ate a whole bag of candy. I'm surprised you're not...

Quick!

You okay? You feel better?

A little.

Oh, thank God it's your mom's laundry.

I'm hungry.

I want candy.

I'm doing a load of candy right now.

Don't you dare.

You said if I made you a milkshake, you'd behave.

Stop it!

All right, that's it.

You know, it's one thing to disrespect me. It's another thing to disrespect TV

and food.

Hey.

Uncle Oswald! Uncle Lewis!

Oh, see that? Is that too much to ask for when I get home at night?

Want to go coloring with me?

Yeah, if you won't yell at me for coloring outside the lines like some

Man, he's been running around all night.

He's been popping open all my beers, throwing milkshakes on the TV.

You guys walk in, he's right back to normal.

You really tore the place up.

Yeah, you know, I tried being nice, I tried being tough.

I even tried to bribe him. He took my dollar, he bit me.

He's got an overbite. He's getting any braces.

I can't believe I was just about to duct tape him to the banister.

Well, that seems extreme, especially when you have a scary basement with a

that locks.

I don't know what happened. We used to get along so great.

You know, I got something down at Drug Co. that might take the edge off the

little tyke.

Of course, the dose was for a 500 -pound gorilla, and, well, I don't really

trust my man.

Hey, did you ever think of becoming a big brother?

This is fun.

Yeah.

Yeah, fun until you feel the judging eye.

And you're waiting to hear whether or not it's fridge -worthy.

You know, as soon as you guys leave, he's going to be running around like a

maniac again. Could you put him to bed for me? I'll let you finish all the open

beers.

Oswald, put Gus to bed. Yes, sir.

Thanks. Hey, listen, by the way, there's all these newspapers from down in the

basement.

I don't know why the obituaries have to be so old.

Well, we figured out if you hit on the widows too soon, they get all weepy.

If you wait too long, well, then they start to heal up.

Six months seems to be the sweet spot.

And if they're the ones who found the body.

Oh, here's one. Husband died on a jet ski.

Yeah, heart attack. That means the jet ski's okay.

Well, you down for the night. I guess all the good times with Uncle Drew

tuckered him out.

Yeah, thanks.

Oh, we'd better get going. Our widow brides await.

No, just think.

Somewhere out there, there's two women who thought finding their dead husbands

was gonna be the worst day of their lives.

Maybe now on, you'll listen to me and you'll know who's the boss.

And when I say go to bed, maybe... There you go.

Look at that.

I smashed your plane up, just like you wanted me to. Huh, buddy?

Well, little angel's fast asleep.

He cried himself to sleep.

All right, well, bottom line, he's in bed. It's before midnight, so...

One, Gus nothing.

You know, I wasn't so sure before that you were ready for a marriage. Now, I'm

not so sure you're ready for fatherhood.

Yeah, well, you should have thought of that before you bent down in front of me

to fix your sandal.

Yeah, I guess I was asking for it in my gardening sweats and my dirty hair.

Yeah, so you admit it, you little trollop.

Look, our kid's not going to be like Gus. Gus has Mimi Devil Jean inside of

Our kid's going to be like you, trusting, flexible, forgiving, willing

to slip on the gardening sweats when a man admits he made a mistake.

Hey, how was your date?

Well, Gavin was a perfect gentleman, and now if you'll excuse me, I have a

number of rug burns to attend to.

These will be rug burns from the rugs in his house, the house that you might

soon be moving into.

Actually, with the doormat, the hello kiss kind of got out of control.

Oh, listen, I need a favor. Gavin invited me up to his cabin for the

I need you to babysit again. Mimi, I don't think Drew babysitting is such a

great idea.

Why?

How do you explain this?

Pilot error?

to all the answers so we find the little black box. Oh, look.

Here it is. I'll send this to the lab.

You know, Gus is a great kid.

So what the hell did you do?

I don't know. He just hates me all of a sudden.

There's got to be a reason. You must have done something.

No, it's out of the blue.

Maybe he's got the mad cow.

Well, it's obvious I can't leave him with you anymore.

Oh, man.

This weekend with Gavin would have taken the relationship to a whole new level.

Um, Mimi, I'm just curious.

What is a whole new level after you have sex with a man in his front yard?

Do you really want to know? Because once you open that door, there's no going

back.

Let's keep that door closed.

Yeah, and put a piano in front of it.

Listen, obviously this guy means a lot to you, and this sounds like a really

weekend, so you know what?

I will babysit Gus.

Really? Well, thanks, Kelly.

That'd be great.

And after you have that baby, because you have no one to help you, I'll

for you. Thank you.

You know, when I put Gus to bed, I asked him why he hated me so much. You know

what he did? He just called me a big duty head.

And I hope you didn't do to his level.

No, of course not.

I did tell him that that kind of language is inappropriate.

And then I left, and I took his nightlight with me.

Okay, remember, you're still in mourning, all right? It's been six

her sadness has probably been eclipsed by her horniness, all right?

Go get her.

Hey, wait a minute.

Look at this picture.

It's probably her and her dead husband. Yeah.

You get the next one.

Wait a minute. We agreed.

I'm perfect for her. I'm more like her husband. See, I'm more of an avid fly

fisherman. Yes, but as you know, I'm a more respected member of my community.

All right. But I get the next one, even if she's pretty.

Look at me.

Wait a minute. Damn it. What is that?

It's like a dry cleaner. I haven't got any clothes.

It's going to look suspicious.

Yeah.

Take off your jacket. Okay.

I'm a respected member of my community and I have a fly fishing convention to

attend. I seem to have soiled my jacket.

Probably from cooking, because I'm a gourmet cook.

Oh, and I sing in my church choir.

Wait a minute.

You're quoting from my husband's obituary.

No, I'm not. You're probably just reeling from the shock of your husband's

attack. I didn't say anything about a heart attack.

No, you didn't.

Good day.

I'm a respected member of the fly fishing community.

And I soiled my jacket singing in the choir.

You thick bastard.

So, are you busy Friday night?

Gus, drink your milk.

Okay.

Hey, Gus, why don't you go upstairs and help your mommy pack, okay?

Okay. I love it.

love you, Kelly. I love you too, Gus.

Yeah, I just don't understand why Gus doesn't get along with you. They usually

like kids their own age.

Yeah, well, you know what? Kids his age are really competitive about stuff.

Maybe he's jealous of my, um... Okay, yeah, that's

not it.

Hey, maybe he just doesn't like the fact that you're hanging out with me.

A lot of little boys get crushes on grown women.

Wow, it's quite an ego on you, baby.

You just, you know what, Drew? You're going to deal with this. There are

of books, there are parenting classes, and they teach you all sorts of basic

skills that most people know instinctively.

Well, maybe he does like you better. Look, he drew a picture of you as a

princess. Oh.

Got your hair parted right down the middle. Nice job.

Hey, here's something.

Wow.

It's a whale with glasses.

And it's attacking a mermaid that's wearing too much blue eyeshadow.

Oh, and look, I bet this has got the little seahorse crying in the corner.

You know, now that you two live together, he does see you fight all the

with each other.

Well, it has been getting pretty bad lately.

I had to borrow some money from Mimi, and that got kind of ugly.

And then she gave me the stink eye the other day, and that got really ugly.

And she was sitting on the couch, and that was pretty ugly.

I had no idea how much this was affecting Gus.

Exactly. You're just going to have to stop attacking his mother.

No, there's got to be another way.

Hey, Mimi. I think I finally figured out why Gus hates me.

Because you're a duty head?

That's his story, anyway.

Gus, have you been mad at me because I've been mean to your mommy?

I don't know.

What the hell are you doing?

Quiet. It's not banana time yet, Coco.

True. Oh, my God.

Reflect. Well, if you hadn't told me, I would have never realized I'd done that.

I guess that makes you really upset when you hear me make fun of your mom like

that, huh?

You know what? I have an idea.

Hey, Gus, would it make you feel a lot better if your Uncle Drew showed how

he loved your mommy by giving her a great big hug?

Uh -huh.

What if I just drew a picture of hugging instead?

No, I think he actually wants to see you hug her. I think you should back off,

Princess.

You don't need to see Mommy hug Uncle Drew, do you?

Hug, please.

You have too much. It's not special anymore.

Okay. I got to go. I'll see you in a couple days.

I love you, honey, and I'll bring you a present.

And I'm going to send you a postcard because I got a good one that I can't

in front of the kid.

What are you doing?

Finishing my picture.

What's it of?

You and Kelly wrestling.

Take a big trip to the hardware store or buy a lock for that bedroom door.

Wow,

so your other three husbands all died in freak accidents.

Lucky for you, they were heavily insured, huh?

If you've got something on your mind, why don't you come right out and say it?

All right.

It's time you got your happily ever after, Missy.

Did you fill out those insurance forms like I asked?

I sure did.

I know a chapel in Maine.

We could get married there and stroll the fog -shrouded cliffs afterward.

That sounds great.

Hey.

Thanks for letting me have this one.

Don't forget, if it doesn't work out between you two, she's taking me scuba

diving. Right.