All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show s09e08 Michigan J Gus.eng

I still think you should have gotten the
extended warranty.

Nope. Consumer Reports says that's a
scam.

It's too bad, because I just dropped my
gum down the vent.

It's true. You can't do anything and
chew gum at the same time.

What the hell is that?

Oh, I know the answer to this one.

Uh, what did your mother scream when the
doctor handed you to her?

I didn't lend you money to buy a TV. I
lent you money to fix the roof.

I did. I had money left over for a TV.

I knew you wouldn't believe me, so I
bought a TV to prove it.

I'm saving my money to buy a house so I
can get out of this crap hole.

Hey, I don't think a crap hole has a 27
-inch TV with picture in a picture, huh?

Thanks to this baby, now we're living in
a stink hole.

Take it back. I want my money. And I
want to watch court TV, where people

the nerve to kill people they hate.

You two have really been bitching at
each other lately.

What's it to you?

I like it.

If I close my eyes, I can pretend it's
Christmas morning and my parents are

still together.

Do a color or worthless whore and make a
slapping sound.

Uh, you two are still new at the whole
roommate thing. Let me give you a tip on

how we make it work. When you have a
fight, say two positive things for every

negative thing.

All right, uh, you're a good mom.

I appreciate that you do all the grocery
shopping.

I'm sorry that nuclear testing released
you from your watery grave.

Okay, now it's my turn.

Oh, I owe you two positive things, you
four -eyed moron.

And the healing begins.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Gavin.

Who's Gavin?

Some rich guy Mimi's been dating.

Mimi's dating a rich guy? Yeah, his wife
died and left him all their money from

their restaurant supply company.

Oh, can we get one of those signs that
say, please wait for the hostess to seat

you? We'll put it on the bathroom door.
It'll be hilarious.

My dream is they'll get married and move
out to the country.

It'll be nice for her. She'll have room
to run.

Wait a minute.

Mimi's dating a rich guy?

You know what this means?

What? This means that people who lose
their spouses become desperate, huh?

I'm thinking we might look pretty good
through a black veil, huh?

Yeah, and the widows are rolling in
insurance money. Yeah, and they need

companions. I could walk a chihuahua and
carry a hat box. Yeah.

And if I spit out my gum, I can too.

Yeah.

Bye -bye.

Who's that, Gavin?

Yep. He wants me to go out with him
tonight.

Well, what are you waiting around here
for? Go upstairs, run a comb through

back, get the hell out of here.

I can't. My babysitter's out of town.

Too bad.

I had a feeling tonight's the night I
would have made Gavin's eyes spin around

his head like a freaking slot machine.

I'll, uh, I'll babysit Gus, boy.

I thought you had a date with Kelly.

That was before you met this guy whose
house you could move into.

Now here's what you do. You go pull out
all the stuff.

Use every filthy trick you ever learned
in an airport hotel room, a back

alleyway, or a stadium port -a -potty.

And after, act ashamed.

That's what makes it hot.

Moon over, bring my love to me tonight.

Guide her to East Lake.

Underneath your silvery light.

Get her past the radar mountain.

Bring her back to Lake County.

Moon over Parma tonight.

Moon over Parma. Shine on I -271.

We can get together in the warm light of
the sun.

We're going bowling.

So don't lose your insoles.

tonight.

As long as it's not too tight -fitting,
that'd be fine.

Relax, I am going with my cousin.

Look, I'm really sorry about all this.
If I don't babysit for Gus, Mimi's never

going to feel the deal with this guy.
I'll never get her out of here. You

I think it's very sweet that you want to
babysit Gus. It shows that you're going

to be a good daddy. And good daddies
make good husbands. That's why you

marry me.

What, marry a guy who breaks a date? I
don't think so.

Whoa, Mimi, you look great.

Really? Because I'm kind of nervous to
meet Gavin's friends tonight.

What are you nervous for? You're out of
season.

You know, if you can stay up until 10,
I'll bring you a little surprise.

I'll just get it tomorrow, then.

Those tweets tonight, they were out of
teeth.

I don't want him to be the only kid sent
home from school because he forgot his

dentures.

Yeah, that's what will make him ashamed.

Not the Yeti in a houseboat waiting to
pick him up after school.

Just go ahead and get going. Me and Gus
will be fine. We always get along great.

Right, buddy?

Okay, well, bye, honey. I'll see you
tomorrow morning.

Don't stay out too late. Remember,
you've got to get up early to go to the

airport, sniff the luggage, look for
those Cuban cigars.

I'm done.

What? What's it? At least finish your
milk.

I don't want to.

If you finish your milk, we can go
color.

You drink it.

Why'd you do that? I'm going to go
color. No, you're not.

You're going to go clean that up, and
I'll go get a napkin, and we'll do it

together. I won't do it.

Look, if you don't clean that up, your
mom's gonna come down here in the middle

of the night, slip on it, and break her
neck.

No, we gotta clean it up.

No!

If you clean it up, I'll get you some
candy.

I already ate all your candy.

That's why I don't want your stupid
sandwich.

You ate all the candy?

Mm -hmm.

How'd you get up here?

Yeah, no wonder. You ate a whole bag of
candy. I'm surprised you're not...

Quick!

You okay? You feel better?

A little.

Oh, thank God it's your mom's laundry.

I'm hungry.

I want candy.

I'm doing a load of candy right now.

Don't you dare.

You said if I made you a milkshake,
you'd behave.

Stop it!

All right, that's it.

You know, it's one thing to disrespect
me. It's another thing to disrespect TV

and food.

Hey.

Uncle Oswald! Uncle Lewis!

Oh, see that? Is that too much to ask
for when I get home at night?

Want to go coloring with me?

Yeah, if you won't yell at me for
coloring outside the lines like some

Man, he's been running around all night.

He's been popping open all my beers,
throwing milkshakes on the TV.

You guys walk in, he's right back to
normal.

You really tore the place up.

Yeah, you know, I tried being nice, I
tried being tough.

I even tried to bribe him. He took my
dollar, he bit me.

He's got an overbite. He's getting any
braces.

I can't believe I was just about to duct
tape him to the banister.

Well, that seems extreme, especially
when you have a scary basement with a

that locks.

I don't know what happened. We used to
get along so great.

You know, I got something down at Drug
Co. that might take the edge off the

little tyke.

Of course, the dose was for a 500 -pound
gorilla, and, well, I don't really

trust my man.

Hey, did you ever think of becoming a
big brother?

This is fun.

Yeah.

Yeah, fun until you feel the judging
eye.

And you're waiting to hear whether or
not it's fridge -worthy.

You know, as soon as you guys leave,
he's going to be running around like a

maniac again. Could you put him to bed
for me? I'll let you finish all the open

beers.

Oswald, put Gus to bed. Yes, sir.

Thanks. Hey, listen, by the way, there's
all these newspapers from down in the

basement.

I don't know why the obituaries have to
be so old.

Well, we figured out if you hit on the
widows too soon, they get all weepy.

If you wait too long, well, then they
start to heal up.

Six months seems to be the sweet spot.

And if they're the ones who found the
body.

Oh, here's one. Husband died on a jet
ski.

Yeah, heart attack. That means the jet
ski's okay.

Well, you down for the night. I guess
all the good times with Uncle Drew

tuckered him out.

Yeah, thanks.

Oh, we'd better get going. Our widow
brides await.

No, just think.

Somewhere out there, there's two women
who thought finding their dead husbands

was gonna be the worst day of their
lives.

Maybe now on, you'll listen to me and
you'll know who's the boss.

And when I say go to bed, maybe... There
you go.

Look at that.

I smashed your plane up, just like you
wanted me to. Huh, buddy?

Well, little angel's fast asleep.

He cried himself to sleep.

All right, well, bottom line, he's in
bed. It's before midnight, so...

One, Gus nothing.

You know, I wasn't so sure before that
you were ready for a marriage. Now, I'm

not so sure you're ready for fatherhood.

Yeah, well, you should have thought of
that before you bent down in front of me

to fix your sandal.

Yeah, I guess I was asking for it in my
gardening sweats and my dirty hair.

Yeah, so you admit it, you little
trollop.

Look, our kid's not going to be like
Gus. Gus has Mimi Devil Jean inside of

Our kid's going to be like you,
trusting, flexible, forgiving, willing

to slip on the gardening sweats when a
man admits he made a mistake.

Hey, how was your date?

Well, Gavin was a perfect gentleman, and
now if you'll excuse me, I have a

number of rug burns to attend to.

These will be rug burns from the rugs in
his house, the house that you might

soon be moving into.

Actually, with the doormat, the hello
kiss kind of got out of control.

Oh, listen, I need a favor. Gavin
invited me up to his cabin for the

I need you to babysit again. Mimi, I
don't think Drew babysitting is such a

great idea.

Why?

How do you explain this?

Pilot error?

to all the answers so we find the little
black box. Oh, look.

Here it is. I'll send this to the lab.

You know, Gus is a great kid.

So what the hell did you do?

I don't know. He just hates me all of a
sudden.

There's got to be a reason. You must
have done something.

No, it's out of the blue.

Maybe he's got the mad cow.

Well, it's obvious I can't leave him
with you anymore.

Oh, man.

This weekend with Gavin would have taken
the relationship to a whole new level.

Um, Mimi, I'm just curious.

What is a whole new level after you have
sex with a man in his front yard?

Do you really want to know? Because once
you open that door, there's no going

back.

Let's keep that door closed.

Yeah, and put a piano in front of it.

Listen, obviously this guy means a lot
to you, and this sounds like a really

weekend, so you know what?

I will babysit Gus.

Really? Well, thanks, Kelly.

That'd be great.

And after you have that baby, because
you have no one to help you, I'll

for you. Thank you.

You know, when I put Gus to bed, I asked
him why he hated me so much. You know

what he did? He just called me a big
duty head.

And I hope you didn't do to his level.

No, of course not.

I did tell him that that kind of
language is inappropriate.

And then I left, and I took his
nightlight with me.

Okay, remember, you're still in
mourning, all right? It's been six

her sadness has probably been eclipsed
by her horniness, all right?

Go get her.

Hey, wait a minute.

Look at this picture.

It's probably her and her dead husband.
Yeah.

You get the next one.

Wait a minute. We agreed.

I'm perfect for her. I'm more like her
husband. See, I'm more of an avid fly

fisherman. Yes, but as you know, I'm a
more respected member of my community.

All right. But I get the next one, even
if she's pretty.

Look at me.

Wait a minute. Damn it. What is that?

It's like a dry cleaner. I haven't got
any clothes.

It's going to look suspicious.

Yeah.

Take off your jacket. Okay.

I'm a respected member of my community
and I have a fly fishing convention to

attend. I seem to have soiled my jacket.

Probably from cooking, because I'm a
gourmet cook.

Oh, and I sing in my church choir.

Wait a minute.

You're quoting from my husband's
obituary.

No, I'm not. You're probably just
reeling from the shock of your husband's

attack. I didn't say anything about a
heart attack.

No, you didn't.

Good day.

I'm a respected member of the fly
fishing community.

And I soiled my jacket singing in the
choir.

You thick bastard.

So, are you busy Friday night?

Gus, drink your milk.

Okay.

Hey, Gus, why don't you go upstairs and
help your mommy pack, okay?

Okay. I love it.

love you, Kelly. I love you too, Gus.

Yeah, I just don't understand why Gus
doesn't get along with you. They usually

like kids their own age.

Yeah, well, you know what? Kids his age
are really competitive about stuff.

Maybe he's jealous of my, um... Okay,
yeah, that's

not it.

Hey, maybe he just doesn't like the fact
that you're hanging out with me.

A lot of little boys get crushes on
grown women.

Wow, it's quite an ego on you, baby.

You just, you know what, Drew? You're
going to deal with this. There are

of books, there are parenting classes,
and they teach you all sorts of basic

skills that most people know
instinctively.

Well, maybe he does like you better.
Look, he drew a picture of you as a

princess. Oh.

Got your hair parted right down the
middle. Nice job.

Hey, here's something.

Wow.

It's a whale with glasses.

And it's attacking a mermaid that's
wearing too much blue eyeshadow.

Oh, and look, I bet this has got the
little seahorse crying in the corner.

You know, now that you two live
together, he does see you fight all the

with each other.

Well, it has been getting pretty bad
lately.

I had to borrow some money from Mimi,
and that got kind of ugly.

And then she gave me the stink eye the
other day, and that got really ugly.

And she was sitting on the couch, and
that was pretty ugly.

I had no idea how much this was
affecting Gus.

Exactly. You're just going to have to
stop attacking his mother.

No, there's got to be another way.

Hey, Mimi. I think I finally figured out
why Gus hates me.

Because you're a duty head?

That's his story, anyway.

Gus, have you been mad at me because
I've been mean to your mommy?

I don't know.

What the hell are you doing?

Quiet. It's not banana time yet, Coco.

True. Oh, my God.

Reflect. Well, if you hadn't told me, I
would have never realized I'd done that.

I guess that makes you really upset when
you hear me make fun of your mom like

that, huh?

You know what? I have an idea.

Hey, Gus, would it make you feel a lot
better if your Uncle Drew showed how

he loved your mommy by giving her a
great big hug?

Uh -huh.

What if I just drew a picture of hugging
instead?

No, I think he actually wants to see you
hug her. I think you should back off,

Princess.

You don't need to see Mommy hug Uncle
Drew, do you?

Hug, please.

You have too much. It's not special
anymore.

Okay. I got to go. I'll see you in a
couple days.

I love you, honey, and I'll bring you a
present.

And I'm going to send you a postcard
because I got a good one that I can't

in front of the kid.

What are you doing?

Finishing my picture.

What's it of?

You and Kelly wrestling.

Take a big trip to the hardware store or
buy a lock for that bedroom door.

Wow,

so your other three husbands all died in
freak accidents.

Lucky for you, they were heavily
insured, huh?

If you've got something on your mind,
why don't you come right out and say it?

All right.

It's time you got your happily ever
after, Missy.

Did you fill out those insurance forms
like I asked?

I sure did.

I know a chapel in Maine.

We could get married there and stroll
the fog -shrouded cliffs afterward.

That sounds great.

Hey.

Thanks for letting me have this one.

Don't forget, if it doesn't work out
between you two, she's taking me scuba

diving. Right.

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