Original subtitles

You know, it's really great of you to take Gus and give Mamie a little break.

Yeah, she's gonna really appreciate it when she finds out.

Finds out?

Yeah, she's taking a nap. I left her a note.

If you take the young one while they're awake, they maul you.

No, no, no, no, Drew, please.

Not in front of the... Mommy's up here.

I get it.

That's your only kid? Oh, no, no, he's not ours.

We do have one of our own on the way. Yeah.

Getting a sonogram done tomorrow. We're real excited about it.

First time we get to see the little guy. We're doing all this baby stuff

together, even though I haven't agreed to marry him. Well, I asked her, but she

said no.

So, look.

Even her nose agreed to marry somebody.

Just the one kid, then? Yeah.

Can I go play in the ball pit?

Yes. But don't forget to run away while I'm talking.

Hey, do you mind if we sit here?

Kelly,

Drew. Hi. I'm Jana.

This is my husband, Mitch.

So,

how's the pizza?

Just like Italy.

How many kids do you have?

One. He's around here somewhere.

It's great to have a place like this, you know, where kids can go a little

Yeah. Because everywhere else they go, they sit quietly with their hands folded

waiting for instructions.

Oh, we're expecting our first.

Any tips?

Yeah. Run.

Live while you can. Make every day count.

It can't be that bad. You know, our lives are going to change a little bit.

We'll just put the kid in the stroller and do what we normally do, right?

What's so funny?

Nothing. No, really, what? Your lives are over and you don't even know it.

That's funny to me.

Once your kid comes, you're going to be dead on your feet all the time.

You ever fall asleep at work?

I keep an airline pillow in my briefcase. What else you got?

There's money.

With kids, there's never enough.

Especially when someone is too scared to ask their boss for a raise. Hey, I

earned enough to buy you the treadmill you hang your giant underwear on.

Yeah, people are always commenting on how much better you look than me.

Oh, yeah, that's another thing.

Fighting replaces sex, which is fine with me.

I refer you back to the giant underwear.

Well, hey, it was really nice meeting all you guys.

Hey, why don't you go order a pizza?

And I'll go make sure that the guy with the video camera is really somebody's

grandpa.

up every morning just to keep a job.

I gotta find my way through the huffling mob.

Pounds of the city pounding in my brain while another day goes down the drain.

But it's a five o 'clock world when the winds are blowing.

No one wants a piece of my time.

And there's a five o 'clock me inside my clothes thinking that the world looks

fine.

Can't wait to get home.

My life is over.

Well, it never really took off.

Talk about after the baby is born.

Well, what's the big deal? You just put it in a stroller and do what you're

going to do anyway.

No, I heard you can't do that. All you want to do is sit around and make fun of

your big -ass wife.

You had some beer and a flat screen TV, then you got yourself a life.

I'm excited about the baby and everything, but I don't know, I'm just a

scared.

Looks like the baby's going to have two mommies.

You know, I love to think that a guy can sit around with his other guy friends

and talk about something important without being made fun of.

Yeah, I would too, but evidently that's not the case.

So does Kelly know you're freaking out?

No, and don't tell her either.

She's got enough to worry about just being pregnant.

And she just read a book that says in six months she's going to pee every time

she sneezes.

You know, I wasn't going to say anything, but ever since Kelly got

you ever talk about is the baby.

We thought you'd get over this thing, but it just seems to be getting worse.

Yeah.

We didn't even want this stupid baby.

You guys are jealous.

Oswald Lewis.

This baby isn't going to change the way I feel about you.

We're just afraid that when the baby comes, you're not going to be around

much. Well, I won't be, but you know, we've been drinking together since we

teenagers, and now we're in our 40s.

In anybody's book, that's a pretty good run.

I only have a couple of regrets. I mean, don't laugh.

I always wonder what it would be like to drink in another bar.

Us too!

Yeah! But we were scared to say anything because we thought you'd make fun of

us.

Hey,

you ever been to one of those English bars?

You know what they call them?

Pubs.

Hey,

Drew, what do you say? How about one drink in every bar we've never been in?

One big glass flow out and the rest of my life is for Kelly and the baby. Yeah.

Hey, you got any more of those English phrases we can toss around at the pub so

that, you know, we fit in?

No, we'll do.

We'll stop at a bookstore. We'll buy an English to English dictionary.

Oh.

You should have heard these people go on and on at this pizza place about how

horrible it is to have children.

But it's not that bad, right?

Oh, no, it's bad.

Mimi, people have kids all the time.

There's got to be an upside to it.

There is.

One day your kid brings you a picture you drew at school of a house and a sun

and a butterfly and people holding hands.

And then it's all worth it, right?

Oh, no. Then you've got to fuss over it like it's the freaking Mona Lisa.

Or they get self -esteem problems and they go over and hurt the neighbor's

Please.

I'm losing it here.

Look, it's a big adjustment. It's a lot of work.

But there are some really great moments along the way.

Like this.

You're going to go tomorrow for your sonogram.

And they're going to tape it.

And they're going to give you a copy.

Oh, no, this is me delivering, Gus.

I haven't seen this in a while.

Oh, God, get it out of me!

I don't think mine can do that.

You're right, it can't.

But it will.

You need the close -up.

Oh, the head's coming. That's why. It's the big finish.

No, no, listen.

I mean, I don't think I can do this.

You know, if I start smoking now, the baby will be smaller.

Get a grip. If you're tired of pushing after 30, 40 hours, they cut you open.

Shouldn't you be talking about this with the guy that knocked you up?

Oh, you know, too, it just...

I'm excited about this. I don't want to ruin it for him. Oh, the pig's a decent

guy. You can lean on him. He can handle it.

I like it when you say nice things about Drew behind his back.

Oh, well, I mix beer and cold medicine.

That's probably it.

You know what? You convinced me. Tomorrow, after the sonogram, I'm just

tell Drew how nervous I am about this baby.

Atta girl.

Oh, this is my favorite part.

Steve stands up.

He doesn't know where he is. He looks around. He sees me all spread eagle

This time he was smart. He stayed down.

Hey, hey.

One last picture.

Commemorate our big last bar crawl before the baby comes. Yeah, that's

on a disposable camera?

No, there's no timer.

I've got the longest arm.

Hey,

thanks for letting me spend the night here.

I could have never walked all the way home. I guess I shouldn't have spent all

our cab money on T -shirts.

Hey, how else are people going to know I ate the worm at Pepe's, huh?

You know, I think that was a gay Mexican bar. I wouldn't brag about eating the

worm.

Sorry about having to sleep on the couch.

Mr. Stingy over there wouldn't let anybody sleep in his big king -sized

even if there's lightning.

Here.

I just gotta make sure I'm up by 7, because Kelly's gotta be the doctor at

Let me show you a little trick.

Huh? If I have to get up really early and I'm worried about sleeping, I plug

alarm in on the other side of the room. Oh.

See?

That way I have to get up and walk all the way over here to shut it off.

7 a .m.

Music?

I want to go back to Pepe's.

How about tomorrow a new chapter in your life begins, huh? Yeah, I'm ready for

it. All right. Night, Drew. Night.

Good night, Lois.

Good night, Drew.

Night.

Hey. Hey, how's your doctor's appointment?

Oh, uh, fine.

Everything's fine.

When you told Drew you were freaking out, he stepped up to the plate, right?

Actually, he didn't show up.

A piece of crap. You can't count on him. Cut him loose.

No.

Mimi, I'm really worried about him. You know, he wouldn't have missed this

unless something was really wrong.

Oh, I'm sure it's nothing.

Of course, that's usually something people say right before the cop knocks

the door holding a bag of what's left of your husband.

I was really worried about you. Where have you been?

I overslept.

Excuse me? You know, I'm not going to make this about me, all right? The

important thing is the baby's okay. Right?

Little baby.

You okay?

Drew? Daddy loves you. Drew!

You reek of booze. Where the hell have you been?

Okay, I admit, I hit a few bars last night, but you know who I was doing it

UNICEF?

I am serious.

I was out drinking all night for you and the baby.

Are you listening, honey?

Daddy's going to tell us a fairy tale.

No, wait.

I wanted to devote the rest of my life to you and the baby.

The rest of my life.

That's why it was so important that I go out and line dance with gay Mexicans on

the other side of town.

So you got drunk and passed out instead of coming to our sonogram?

Well, yeah, but see, now I can guarantee I'll never miss another thing. Not a

first birthday, not a softball game, a recital. All because I won't have this

desire, you know, to go drink tequila out of a little tiny prince sombrero.

It is one thing.

to make hollow promises to me, okay? But it is another thing to make them to our

baby. He can't even hear me. He doesn't even have ears yet. It's a sea monkey.

Come on.

I'll drive you to the follow -up appointment next week.

Don't worry about it. I'll drive myself. That way, I'll know I'll get there.

But I want to be part of this. Hey, we're tossing around names. If it's a

how about Gary?

Oh, just what am I thinking?

That'll be Gary Carey.

Hey.

Hey. Check this out. Look what I got.

They're walkie -talkies.

Look how teeny they are.

Yeah, I got it for me and Kelly so she can get a hold of me any time, day or

night. Huh.

Why didn't you just get a cell phone with a walkie -talkie feature? You know,

free minutes, free weekends, the whole package.

Are you kidding?

These are $100 each. You know how much those phones are?

Yeah, like 40 bucks. Is it that much? Yeah, it's $39. Okay, well, I got the

walkie -talkies.

What's a woman who's not talking to you going to do with a walkie -talkie? I'm

trying to make the point that I'm dependable.

I'm going into the department store, honey. Where are you?

Still sitting by the fountain like you told me to.

We're in the same frequency as some couple at the mall. Hey,

fountain boy, why don't you duck into testicles and things and pick yourself

a pair?

Who is this?

Someone who doesn't let his ugly wife boss him around?

Yeah, that's me.

I bet you're too chicken to come over here.

Oh, yeah?

Well, if you're so tough, why are you walking away?

Because I don't think you have the guts to follow me and punch me in the back of

the head.

All right, we'll just stop.

Well, you guys really know how to pay it forward, don't you?

You really think walkie -talkies are going to make Kelly think you're more

defendable? No, it's more than that.

Like, tomorrow before the doctor's appointment, I'm going to pick up her

without her knowing it.

I'm going to take it over to the mechanic and have him check it out, you

fix everything.

Oh, I get it. Dependable car, dependable boyfriend.

That's a nice gesture. The walkie -talkies seem so small and almost

comparison.

And they make us so happy.

Well, your happiness hurts innocent people, so no.

Now, I got walkie -talkies, I'm getting a car fixed. What else can I do to make

her think that I'm really dependable?

Well, you could dress nicer, like in a top hat and a monocle.

Oh, and a cane.

Nice try.

You guys have been trying to get me to dress up like Mr. Peanut for years. It

ain't gonna happen.

Hi.

Runner's license.

You were 20 miles over the speed limit, sir.

I know, I know, I know. I was getting my girlfriend's car serviced, and it took

a little longer than I thought, you know, so... Can we make this quick?

I have to get her to the doctor. She's pregnant.

Oh, she's in labor.

Hey, I can get a unit over there to escort her to the hospital.

She's not technically in labor. She's in what we like to call pre -labor.

What's that?

She's too much along.

Well, you're in what we like to call pre -ticket.

Can you give me a break?

I mean, I already screwed up once. I can't let her down again.

You have 11 unpaid parking tickets and an expired license.

I didn't expect to be driving. I can't afford my own car. I know if my

girlfriend's pregnant, living in my garage.

Gee, I mean, you see the way things are going?

Well, make it quick, because I got business. Step out of the car, Mr.

This is unbelievable.

You got nothing better to do. Waste taxpayers' money.

Stopping guys for just dough. That's all you want is money for the city.

I have sensitive wrists. Careful of my wrist.

Did you give her the walkie -talkie?

Yeah, but she wants me to keep the other one.

Did you tell her it wasn't my fault?

Well, I tried, but she went on and on about her car getting impounded, and I

thought, well, this is a fun train to ride.

I don't know why she doesn't think I'm dependable. The judge said I wasn't a

flight risk. If that doesn't say dependability, I don't know what does.

Look, she's giving up on you. I'm driving her to her doctor's appointment

stuff, and she says you could see your kid through the playground fence.

Tell her you just can't do it. Tell her they're driving you and the rest of the

herd south to Abilene.

You know, here's some advice. When you're asking somebody for a favor, you

call them cattle.

Hey, you're the one that jumped the cattle. Could have been a herd of

supermodels. They can't go anywhere on their own.

Mimi? Are you there?

Yeah, hey, honey, it's Drew. I'm sorry.

You have to forgive me.

You know, I just want to let you know that I was here for you. That's all.

Drew?

No. Whatever you need, I'll do it.

She probably needs a mop and a bucket because the morning sickness kicked in

she's been blowing groceries.

Mimi, could you please bring me some ginger ale and saltines?

Oh, God, I've got to load the cannon again.

No, that's okay. I'll do it.

You? You get sick if I even say the word puke.

Well, I get sick if you say the word hello. It's really more just about you.

spit up a spoonful of formula and you ran out in the backyard and heaved on

dog.

I don't care. I'm going in.

Hey, Magellan.

Kelly's over there.

I know, but these are my good shoes.

Where's Mimi?

Forget Mimi. I'm here.

You better... Don't make me break this door down.

I swear... Oh, thank God.

Hey,

came to check up on you, okay?

Why do you ask?

Just an icebreaker.

Please, go away.

Look, like it or not, this is our baby. And we're in this together.

I can do this on my own.

nice we can do this together?

You know, Drew, when the baby comes, it's not going to be all romantic like

this.

Yeah, I know, but it doesn't have to be like the people in the pizza place said.

Yeah, those people scared the hell out of me.

I know. You know, last night, I had a nightmare about that woman's giant

underwear.

Yeah, me too. It was huge. We were lost in them, and then when we got out, we

were late for our chemistry final, and we hadn't been to one class.

Well, people scared of you, too.

Yeah, they scared the hell out of me. That's why I went out and got drunk.

I didn't want to tell you because I want to be your rock.

Excuse me, I've got to do this or I'm going to go again.

Hey, let's make a deal.

From here on in, we'll be scared out of our minds.

Together, okay?

Yeah, you know what? Knowing you're worried about it too makes me feel so

better.

Remind me tomorrow I owe you a kiss.

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