Original subtitles

Man, everybody drink. Yeah, you bet.

Ooh,

that's a tough one.

Everybody drink. I don't think I understand the rules

of your drinking game.

Someone doesn't understand the rules. Everybody drink.

There are no rules out there. Now she understands the rules. Everybody drink.

Ridiculous. You guys are just boozing.

Uh -uh -uh. We've turned it into a game. That makes us sportsmen.

Okay, before you and your alcoholic dream team puke and pass out, you may

to take this quiz.

What? If I want to take a quiz in a girly magazine, I'll take one in one of

girly magazines.

I've seen your girly magazine.

There aren't any quizzes.

There aren't any words.

They don't even have page numbers.

There's naked girls in every page.

It's not the destination, it's the journey, Kelly.

It's a parenting quiz. I took the mommy one, and I only got a few wrong, and one

was a trick question.

I forgot the sun moves, so you can't leave him in the car even if you park in

the shade.

So, uh, aside from cooking the baby, you did pretty good.

Okay, Rich, don't you think you can do better than me?

Yeah. Yeah, I was born to be a dad. I looked like a dad since I was 12 years

old.

You know, it's true. He went through a phase in the sixth grade where he smoked

a pipe.

A lot of sixth grade girls used to come ask me for fatherly advice.

If they sat on my lap, I'd give it to them.

All right, all right.

I'll tell you what. If you get a better score than I do, I won't make you dress

for dinner.

Really?

I can sit around in my underwear?

Or at least a closed robe.

Don't expect any help from us. We're not big fans of the open robe either.

I don't need your help. Stupid quiz, stupid girly magazine, stupid bored

housewives. Here we go. Question one.

Characterize your relationship with your father.

Excellent.

Now that he's dead.

Well, that's not one of the choices, is it?

Besides, we got along just fine.

We had arguments about politics and he wrote me those letters and...

Said he was sorry I was born. Normal father -son stuff.

My dad made a videotape just in case he died before he had the chance to tell me

how much he hated me.

But my dad didn't mean those letters. He just wrote them to blow off steam.

You're lucky.

My dad used to blow off steam by burning me with steam.

I bet it should stop twice, Drew.

You know, once my last customer gets off, I can open my pants and sing.

You know, actually,

I was waiting for us to be alone because there's a couple things I want to talk

to you about.

Damn this friendly face of mine.

Did your kid keep you from doing the things you wanted to do in your life?

No.

The day he was born, I thought he was a tiny miracle attached to my leg,

dragging me down to the bottom of the sea.

So all parents present their kids like that?

Sure.

I was going to be a dentist.

But the kid came.

I had to drop out of college.

Why'd you want to be a dentist?

Because you can knock people out on gas and they can't talk to you.

So the kid ruined your life?

No. Only part of it.

Some parts he made better.

My dad died a couple days ago.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Not today.

I'll lock the roof.

And push him?

No. You sure?

Because that's the kind of thing a man blocks out.

Sorry, I know it's sad, but maybe it's all for the best.

Growing old sucks.

The hearing goes, the joints hurt. Hell, I only got one good eye.

Every left turn I make's a dance with death.

I found a bunch of letters that he wrote to my mom and never mailed, and all of

them are filled with how much he resented us, he regretted having us, who

all disappointments to him.

So, what's the funeral going to be like? You know, roll him into the river and

shoot at him until he sinks?

No, I ordered the second cheapest funeral just so it wouldn't look like I

making a point.

You know, I hate feeling this way about my dad. I wish there was something I

could do.

I know what would help.

Give him a great feeling.

What's that going to do for me?

It's not like he's going to sit up in his grave and say, attaboy, Drew.

If he does, that's going to overshadow anything I do anyway.

It's all about making yourself feel better.

You show love, you feel love.

That's really beautiful.

Is that from the Bible or something?

No, I think it's from the OJs.

And just to keep a job, I gotta fight my way through the bustling mob.

Sounds like a CD bouncing in my brain while another day goes down the drain.

there's a five o 'clock world when the whistle blows.

No one owns a piece of my time.

And there's a five o 'clock me inside my clothes.

Thinking that the world will...

They say it takes a village to raise a child.

What best describes the support system you can lean on in stressful times?

Question five.

Hey, that's not fair. We're always there for you. We were helpful when your dad

died. Oh, if by being helpful you mean taking advantage of a grieving widow,

then yes, I could have done it without you.

You take advantage of people all the time. You just got a hair up your butt

because it's your mom.

Mrs. Perry, thanks for dinner and all the leftovers.

There's so much food.

Well, I don't know when I'm going to have a chance to cook for somebody

Ah, now here is a nice homemade pie for you to take home.

Thank you.

I feel like we're taking advantage of her. Hey, it's better than what we

eat. We're just helping her transition, that's all.

What's wrong?

We're good people.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, I've been on my feet for hours. I think I'm done cooking for the day.

What's wrong? I still can't believe George is gone.

Where's the gone?

Dead.

You know, I think I'm going to make a lasagna.

clear my mind for a little bit.

Hey, well, if there's anything we can do, just let us know.

Actually, there is. I had to change my dad's funeral a little bit in order to

make it a little better, so if you can come up with any ideas for me, I'd

appreciate it.

Well, what brought that on?

Well, I found out that if you show love, you'll feel love.

Huh. Is that the shy light?

No, I think it's the spinners.

Actually, I heard it was the OJs.

OJ in the band now?

I was wondering how he made a living.

Hey, you know what would be great? What's that?

A Viking funeral on Lake Erie at night, huh? Rent a boat, buy a can of gas, give

it a push, and stand back.

I don't know if you knew this about my dad, but he wasn't a Viking.

Oh. Who am I thinking of?

Anyway, a lot of his stuff's still out in the backyard. I'm going to just have

look through it so you can get some ideas.

Something with fire would be dramatic.

That was bad.

I know. All those hopes and dreams?

No, no. He wrote at a third grade level.

It says here he was stationed in the Mojave Desert.

You know, he's got a lot of big band records. Maybe something with big bands.

I've got it.

Picture this.

An ebony coffin lit by a single spotlight went out of the mist. A boy's

dressed as train conductors steps forward and sings Chattanooga Choo Choo.

You've been thinking about this a lot, haven't you?

I bought a train conductor's outfit and there's never a right time to wear it.

There's got to be something that we can do that's special.

Well, we got a whole box here of old Marine stuff, you know, back from when

was in the Korean War.

Hey, you know, that's right. He was always going on and on about his old

Old unit?

Not now. We're planning a funeral.

You know what?

We could have a funeral for him and put a lot of Marine stuff in it, you know?

Yeah, how about his Marine buddies? Maybe he can get hold of his old unit.

I'm this close to putting you in the car.

All right, you helped me come up with the idea for the Marine funeral.

Yeah, it would have been nice, too, if you hadn't screwed it up because you

secretly hated your dad.

What? You did try to ruin his funeral.

Yeah, by the way, Oswald's back to plan of mine.

It was a simple mistake.

It's not a simple mistake if it lasts for eternity.

So, you're saying I ordered the kiss casket intentionally?

Well, think about it. What did your father hate more than anything else?

You guys.

And after that?

Glam rock.

But that doesn't prove anything. A lot of people hated it.

I mean, you know, they couldn't get past the makeup to hear the message.

I think there's been some kind of mistake.

Yeah, the one I ordered had the...

You know, the Marine Corps eagle glove and anchor on it?

Well, this is the correct one, according to this invoice from caskettoyourdoor

.com.

This isn't what I ordered.

Mine was, you know, it was Marine Corps red with gold trim, and I even got an

extra 10 % off for letting them put the recruiter's number on the side.

Well, you've learned something for your father's next funeral.

Oh, wait.

Then why?

Didn't you call me?

You think the old guy in here wants to rock and roll all night, party every

Perhaps if you hadn't surfed the web in your time of grief, your father wouldn't

be spending eternity in the Kith army.

Sir, isn't there another cat that you can put him in?

Yeah, across town in our warehouse.

There is, however, an electronics store next door.

If you buy a widescreen TV, it comes in a very large box.

It'll be okay.

I'll just, uh... I'll tell everybody it was a big mistake.

To a bunch of Marines expecting a military funeral? I don't think the

Corps motto is... Semper whatever.

Holy crap!

Marines aren't gonna like that.

like a slap in the face.

You see, Drew, this is very disrespectful.

Okay, hold on, everyone. Let's not panic yet, okay?

Hey, you know what?

Let's try to think of the casket as half full. Huh?

Pretty nice, huh?

Solid mahogany?

Metal?

That's something fun, huh?

Bitching spouses.

Drew, I got an idea. Why don't we just cover the casket with something?

Hey, after the Navy executed my cousin, they put a flag on the coffin.

Oswald, that's a great idea.

I'm so glad the Navy executed your cousin.

You guys got to get me a flag.

Okay, flag, flag. Who's got flags?

Museum. I don't know where one is.

Library. Juicy time.

Freedom liquor store. Right.

Drew, um, everyone is waiting to come in.

We've got to give Oswald and Lois a couple more minutes. I mean, they're

getting a flag. How tough could it be?

Oh!

Oh, my!

Drew, why are there monsters on your father's casket?

It's the rock group kiss, Mom.

Why on earth would you get the idea that your father wanted to be buried in

something like this?

It was a mistake.

I ordered off the Internet. I clicked the wrong box.

Oh, sure, now you clicked the wrong box.

When you order those dirty movies of yours, you seem to get exactly what you

ordered.

Mrs. Carey, this casket isn't all bad. I mean, the artwork is very realistic.

Look at Gene Simmons' tongue.

It looks like it could just shoot out and lick me.

Because I was concerned that the Marines... He wouldn't think the tongue

lifelike enough.

The liquor store had a security guard. So we set an abandoned car on fire, then

we drove as fast as we could to the fire station, and when they left, we took

their flight. Yeah.

So how did the thing go on?

What have you done?

When these people think about your father, this is what they're going to

remember. Hey, the funeral guy was trying to gouge me, okay?

I saved 50 % by ordering off the Internet. Doesn't that count for

Besides, I don't care what he's buried in. He didn't even like me.

Please. He was your father.

I hope my son doesn't bury me in a giant novelty item.

Do you really think this is the right time to attack Drew?

What? Are you kidding?

Hello?

I tell you, the stars go on the left. Not in the movies, they don't.

What is all this?

This is supposed to be a service for a military man. This is an outrage.

Hey, it's the Marines.

Oh, thank God. Do the stars go on the left or the right?

I don't know what idiot put this together, but this was some kind of

was an honest mistake.

Well, we're not going to be part of it.

So, leaving early, huh?

Just like you did in Nam, before the job was done?

Who's talking to you, punk?

You don't intimidate us. We know all about your type. We watch the History

Channel. What are you going to do, torch our crops and blow up our oxen?

An ox cart can look like a tank on a moonless night.

I don't need to come to my friend's funeral and be insulted and watch him

in a cartoon casket like he was some clown.

Oh, sure, you watch the History Channel.

But I was there.

I've been in combat.

Have you ever killed a man with your bare hands?

I'm a janitor.

You ever clean a public toilet with your bare hands?

I'm Drew.

George is fine.

This was all my fault. I ordered it off the Internet, and they sent me the wrong

one.

George was so proud to be in the Marine Corps.

It was the thing he was most proud of in his whole life.

It would mean so much to the family if you guys stayed and helped us make the

most of this.

Dear Lord, welcome George into your presence, that he may rejoice in you

forever.

As George's former commander, I just wanted to say a few words about his old

unit.

Yes, it's getting older.

Right here.

A little thicker around the middle.

But George's unit has never stood taller or prouder than it does today.

George was a great Marine.

And I'm sure he was a great husband.

Eddie George.

See, old unit's fun to say.

Not going to be fun to have, but it's fun to say.

Even George would have laughed at that.

I don't remember him laughing much.

You know, who am I kidding? I'm never going to beat Kelly at this quiz.

You know, according to the article, we learned to be a father from our own

fathers. Nope, we're all doomed.

No, I mean, he was just from a different generation. I mean, he tried.

He meant well.

That's three things. That's enough, right? Yeah.

I think the Marines said a lot of nice things at the funeral.

Yeah, as a matter of fact, when they thought you were being disrespectful,

beat the crap out of us.

Good times, huh?

I feel pretty bad about fighting with the old guys.

How come it takes them 20 minutes to pull out of a parking spot, but they can

punch you in the throat before you can make a fist?

I would have helped you out, but the guy with the cane kept holding me down.

I'm really sorry, Mom.

I've been to a lot of funerals, but I'm pretty sure this is a bad one.

Well, you know, except for the insults and the fist fight and the monster

coffin. It was perfectly fine.

Yeah, well, I ruined his life. I figured I might as well ruin his death, too.

Oh, I'm sorry that you ever found those stupid letters. That was just your

father's way of getting things off his chest. He actually loved you very much.

Yeah, well, you know, he never said that.

Well, his generation didn't express their feelings very well.

Sometimes a grunt would mean thank you for sharing your life with me, giving me

two sons.

sacrificing your hopes and dreams to make me happy.

This was his wallet for 35 years. Steve made it in camp.

Yeah, I know. Steve was Dad's favorite. I'm glad we had this talk.

What's this?

You made that in the first grade.

Wow, I don't remember making this.

Your father wrote those letters and he put them in a box. He never gave them a

second thought.

But he carried a little bit of you boys around with him all the time.

That should tell you something.

Now, you have to give me a minute.

I have to say goodbye to your father.

Sure would have been nice to be in the will, though.

Hey,

I graded your test.

And somehow you did better than I did.

You obviously cheated.

Oh, really? And which parenting expert did I ask for advice?

Fathers on the lam or fathers in prison?

Hey, I know where my father is. is, okay? He's in a South American country

doesn't extradite.

He's a bodyguard for a drug lord.

You're wrong about my dad, too. He's not in prison. He's in a warehouse in

Arizona due to prison overcrowding.

You know, honey, I thought you might do well, but you have to tell me how you

got a near -perfect score.

Well, uh, for every question, I just thought, what would my father do?

And I did the opposite.

You know what? I chose the opposite of what my mama do.

Maybe that's the first rule in good parenting. Not repeating your parents'

mistakes.

Everybody drank.

It's week three of the ultimate love test.

Next on ABC.

Here's the money. You guys ready?

It's your time, baby.

One, two, three, four.

Pardon me, boy.

Is that the child news? the choo -choo. Oh, yeah.

Track's pretty nice.

Then you can give me a chance.

I can afford to board a jet with a choo -choo.

I've got my fare.

And just a trifle to spare.