Original subtitles

Yeah, boy, no matter how many times I see alien, it's still terrifying.

I'm sick of you sitting around when you got so much stuff to do around the

house. When are you going to fix my bedroom window? It's still stuck shut.

Yeah, I'll get up and fix it right now if you promise to jump out of it.

Jeez. You're so lazy you're not even willing to push me out the window

I work hard all day, too, but I don't come home and plop down in front of the

tube like the couch is made out of metal and there's a magnet in my ass.

Hey, at least be pretty on the inside, okay?

Jeez, you're such a loser. You're watching TV on the same couch your

died on.

Shows what you know. He choked on the wallet on the couch, but he crawled out

the front yard to die.

Hey. Hey.

Honey, I stopped by the video store. I got us a movie.

Runaway Bride.

Oh, great.

Romantic comedy.

Boy meets girl, boy loses girl, and boy and girl lose Drew, who goes upstairs to

watch ESPN.

Hey, why don't you go ahead and start the movie? I'm going to put this in a

bowl. Sometimes it takes me a couple hours.

Oh, come on. Well, you know what? I'm sorry it's not Arnold coming back from

future to blow everything up.

Hey, you know what? I'm a little sensitive about Runaway Brides, all

My last wedding, my bride fish -tailed out of the parking lot in my rental car.

Well, when Julia Roberts says it, it's cute.

Look, I don't want to be reminded of something I failed at five times,

once with my male boss who didn't get his green card.

You know, I mean, I just want to watch a little Pencils of Violence and forget

about this marriage crap for a while, that's all.

Will you marry me?

What?

Will you marry me? Come on. Drew, if you weren't ready two seconds ago, I have a

feeling you might not be ready now.

But I've grown.

Come on.

You're having a baby that's unbelievable.

I know we've had six failed marriages between us, but come on, I'm lucky

baby.

No, it's obvious you just want to marry me because I am pregnant, and that's not

a good enough reason for me.

Yeah, but I always knew we'd get married someday.

And maybe this is how it was supposed to happen. You were supposed to be stuck

in a bad marriage, move to Cleveland, have sex with me with an expired condom,

and then force me to marry you.

I mean, there's your romantic comedy.

Starring Richard Gere as me.

Excuse me.

For you?

No. You are not ready for this. And I am not going to change my mind about it.

Well, you know what? When you're single and pregnant five or six months from

now, I'm going to be looking pretty good.

And I hope the baby has my sense of humor.

And if you keep losing money at this rate, Buzz Beer is going to be out of

business by the end of the year.

So, anybody got any ideas?

I've got it. All right, let's hear it. I drew the perfect lemon.

I've heard that before. Let me see it.

Hey, you finally got the pointy things on the end.

Focus! Our business is going down the toilet.

Earth to pig, got anything?

I'm sorry, what?

I'm done.

I don't know why we're not rolling in the dough with Rain Man and the Lemon

running things.

Kelly's pregnant.

Oh, hey.

Way to go.

I guess all those crotch kicks you took in high school didn't kill all your

little swimmers, huh?

When are you getting married?

I asked her, but she said no.

She thinks I just want to get married because she's pregnant.

That's not why she doesn't want to marry you.

Open your eyes, man. You're not the father.

You know, sometimes when I'm upset and I only talk to Oswald, this is why.

I can go to Drug Co. and get a DNA kit. We can settle this tonight.

It's supposed to be a great day for me.

I always wanted to be a dad. I want to be a good one, too.

Sure, you can take your kid to the arcade, laser tag, go -karts. That way

can do all the things you want to do anyway without being followed around by

security.

Yeah, it's going to be great having a little guy look up to me and think I'm

greatest thing in the world.

You mean someone who jumps on you and wants to play the minute you get home

work? Even though all you want to do is relax and have a beer, be careful what

you wish for.

Yeah, call me old -fashioned, but I think a baby is a little different than

-year -old man.

Well, maybe you can find someone else you'll listen to, someone she respects.

The president.

Oswald, why don't you work quietly on your limit?

Anyway, I just don't know who she's going to listen to.

Well, I know I... I always do what my mom tells me to. She should talk to my

mom.

Now, she may not marry you, but she'll never touch herself in church again.

Or maybe she'll listen to her own parents. You know, they always like me.

If I can get them on my side, I'm home free.

In the future, if your son comes up with an idea, don't take it from him without

giving him any credit.

Wow. Uh, yeah.

Thanks for the stupid idea that gave me the great idea.

Was that so hard?

Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Newmark. Drew!

Come in.

Come in.

Guess who's here, Don.

Well, I don't have to guess. He called ahead. Remember, have another drink,

Annette.

Catch up.

Great. Started at noon. Oh.

I'll try, but obviously you've been in training for this.

Come on, Andrew, sit down. So where's our little girl? Thought we'd get a

from Kelly, too.

Yeah, well, actually, she doesn't know I'm here. There's something I wanted to

talk to you about.

You know, I love your daughter, and I want to ask her to marry me, but I want

get your blessing first.

Oh, this is so exciting.

Absolutely. You've always been a good boy.

Welcome to the family.

Oh, now, don't you go hitting on me like Kelly's.

Last husband.

Well, that was 15 years ago. You're safe now.

Care to make it interesting?

Is it okay if I don't want to play?

Why don't we just have a toast?

Let me get you another drink, Drew. Oh, no thanks. I'm not done with this

tumbler of generic vodka.

Oh, come on. This time we're drinking to celebrate.

Not just fill the emptiness.

Wow, picked the wrong day to skip lunch.

What is that, 12, 14 beers? Gee.

Now that you're a member of the family, let me give you some advice that's

helped Don and myself in some difficult times.

You eat six pieces of bacon.

Before you go to bed, you will not have a hangover in the morning.

Well, it must work. Half a liver and two heart attacks. She's still walking

around.

A toast.

A toast.

when you and Kelly are our age, you're as happy as... happy people.

There you go.

Drew, you were always the nicest kid on our block. When the popular boys were

out partying with the girls, you were on your front lawn every night.

Hamster on your shoulder, looking through that big old telescope.

We won't lie to you, son. We had a lot of fun at your expense.

Brought joy to a lot of people.

Yeah, well, that's what I do.

Hey, would you guys mind calling Kelly and let her know that you approve of the

marriage and that I'm ready and sincere?

Shouldn't you be telling her that yourself?

Oh, well, to tell you the truth, I already proposed to her. She said no.

I don't understand.

Well, me neither. Why won't she marry you? Doesn't she love you? Oh, yeah, she

loves me. That's not even the problem.

The hamster on the shoulder, you grew out of that, right?

She just thinks I'm asking her because I got her pregnant.

Wow. This, uh, fuck is like truth serum.

So, you, you, you, you came here to tell us that you got our daughter pregnant

out of wedlock?

Well, that's one way to put it, yeah.

Oh.

Oh, damn it. I lost a press -on.

You got any ice?

Oh, look what I'm asking. Of course you got ice.

You know, a lot of girls get knocked up when they're 16.

At least I had enough good sense to wait till I was in my 30s.

Couldn't you have waited until you were married?

What am I... I'm going to tell the girls in my wine -tasting club.

Mom, three women trying not to fall off their bar stools is not a club.

Look, look, Bunny.

Drew obviously loves you and he's a decent guy. Maybe you should reconsider

offer. No.

Don't throw your life away like I did.

Don't worry.

It's just the booze talking.

I don't even remember what the other voice sounds like.

sense of humor that's kept him from advancing at work. Ah, your mother's

favorite subject, isn't it, dear? Shall we continue, darling? Oh, for God's

sake! Here are two knives. Just finish it.

There's no heart to stick it in.

Okay, now we're done.

Sweetheart, why don't you move back with us while you sort things out?

You can have your own room. We'll move your father back into the master bedroom

with me. Hold on, hold on, hold on. You know there's not enough room for two

beds in there.

Don, hello, Annette.

Oh, Drew.

How's the chin, son?

I'm not going to lie to you. I cried a little bit when I got out of the car.

Oh.

I'm sorry. Next time I'll know better when company announces they've

my daughter.

That was a sucker punch. I'll be ready for you next time. Uh, uh, my...

Yeah. Sure.

Guess where we'll be.

I cannot believe that you went behind my back and you talked to my parents.

Drew, did it ever occur to you that I wanted to tell them I was pregnant?

Yeah, it occurred to me. I'm not a complete moron.

When? Just now.

Look, if you don't want to get married, then at least move in with me.

So you can feel like you're doing the right thing? No, thanks.

That's not why I asked. We belong together, and you know that.

You know, Drew, you rushed into your marriages, right?

Well... I rushed into my marriage with Daryl. My parents rushed into their

marriage.

Between you and me, behind that Norman Rockwell exterior, there are problems.

Well, if you're not going to move in with me, then at least move out of here.

mean, a tiny apartment above a bar is no place for a pregnant woman. I don't

know about that.

Hey, the stairs are good exercise, and when I get morning sickness, it's not a

big deal. They see women throw up here every day.

Yeah, and when you go into labor, there's a guy usually passed out at the

who used to be a doctor.

Jeez. I'll call an ambulance.

That won't work.

Because at Lewis, every time somebody dials 911 from here, they think it's a

hoax.

Okay, you do have a point.

All right, I'm going to move in to my parents.

What? All the way out in Bay Village?

Well, Drew, it's the bad pollution right now.

Okay, I was wrong. You should stay here in the bar. I mean, the bar's a great

place for a kid. Kids love physical comedy. Drunks fall down a lot.

I think Grandma's got that covered.

Well, she sobers up.

I figured the best way to kickstart Buzz beer sales is with new packaging.

This isn't your basketball full of beer again, is it? No, we gave up on the beer

-skaball.

It gave the beer a rubbery taste.

So we're sitting around, writing down ideas. Once we stop, look at our pen.

You see?

When you turn it upside down, the lady's clothes come off.

I can't believe even she would take her clothes off for you.

Well, she does.

Every time.

And I like it.

So we thought, what if we come up with a beer bottle that does the same thing?

What if you're the only guy over 13 who finds these pens stimulating?

In fact, he's not.

You don't get it. It's every guy's dream. By the time you're finished,

completely naked.

Yeah, and then you order another one, because what's better than one naked

Secretly insuring your business partners and having them die in what looks like

a murder -suicide?

No. Two naked ladies.

Hey, hey, hey.

Well, thanks for showing up. You can't even be on time for a meeting in your

damn garage.

Sorry, but taking the bus from Kelly's parents' house really takes forever.

Oh, someone's down to breath.

Too bad there's no way to combine pornography and beer to make you feel

Or is there?

We haven't got the prototype ready yet, so you drink this bottle of beer while I

turn this pen upside down.

Hey, take the snake off. Beer's football.

What's Kelly doing?

Oh, she's fine.

Just taking the bus all the way to Bay Village as a drag.

And it's only been a few days. I don't know if I can keep this up for nine

months. Should have thought of that when you were saving a buck on a condom.

Hey, leave the guy alone. He probably already feels like a big loser.

Taking the bus to see his pregnant girlfriend at her parents' house.

I got your back, buddy.

Look, I'm trying to talk her into marrying me, but I don't know how it's

to work out now that I don't see her so much.

Well, maybe you could see her more often if you had your own car.

I can't afford anything decent.

Not now, but wait till our nudie beer takes off.

Uh, anybody want to buy my share of buzz beer?

You know what?

We just might be interested in your share of buzz beer, huh? We'll trade you

Oswald's car for it. Hey, I need that car.

No, you don't. I got one, and I think it's about time you stopped driving

at night anyway.

Hey, you know, With Drew's share, we can do whatever stupid thing we want with

this company. No, no, don't do this. Don't you hear them? They're not even

trying to hide it anymore.

All right, you got a deal. All right, great.

I can go see Kelly whenever I want.

Way to go.

You traded your dream for a rusted -out crap box with 200 ,000 miles on it.

Actually, the odometer only stopped at 200 ,000 miles.

Could be twice that.

Great. I got a car that has more miles on it than Apollo 11.

Last week.

Yeah, well, I spent a lot of late nights at the office. Besides, you're already

pregnant. My work's done.

Kind of early for a crib, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, I know. But look, Drew,

holding tools and not drinks.

How the hell do they expect you to put a crib together when you can't make any

sense out of the damn direction?

Because those are for the drill, you useless lush.

You sure you should be handling that? It's been years since you've screwed

anything correctly.

But this is a job I enjoy.

I'm beginning to understand your fear of marriage.

Hey, listen, come on outside. I've got a surprise for you. Oh, I'm well

acquainted with that surprise. It got me pregnant.

Yeah. I came all the way out here to expose myself in front of your parents'

house.

You borrowed Oswald's car?

Yeah.

You're right.

This is a huge surprise.

Oh, that's not a surprise.

Gerald, what are you doing?

I'm kidnapped.

See? Nice surprise.

Come on.

Price is in the garage.

Uh, in the garage. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

we go in there without any witnesses. Just how upset are you over me not

marrying you?

Well, we have to give the devil the bait.

Come on.

Lighten up.

Huh?

Look at this.

Drew?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. This is beautiful.

Where's all the buzz beer stuff?

It's at Lewis and Oswald's. I traded Oswald my share of buzz beer for his

and then I gave it back to him in exchange for them helping me remodel the

place. Yeah, we knew our house needed something. We thought it was a throw rug

or a lamp. Turns out it was a huge tank of beer.

I did this for you so you could live here and be independent and still be

enough so we could raise the baby together.

I love it, Drew.

So, it means you'll move in?

Yes.

I

don't

know if it's the hormones or the fact that you gave up your shares in your

small, unsuccessful business, but I'm overwhelmed.

Well, The brewery made me happy, but the baby's going to make me almost as

happy.

Speaking of, you are going to put a door on this bathroom, right?

Well, Oswald and I talked about that, and we don't think you need it.

You're going to get your door, but first I'm going to find out why.

Why?

Think about it. Do you really want a door between the TV and the toilet?

See? He doesn't always make sense, but he's always amusing.

Fine. You'll get your glass door.

I just can't believe you guys did this all yourself.

Yeah, I mean, it'll be a great place for our kid to move back into when he's 35.

He can put his telescope in his hamster cage right over there in that corner.