Original subtitles

Hey, what's the score?

Same as two hours ago, 0 -0.

Is that the ping pong ball you found on the floor of the bathroom at the Warsaw?

Yes.

Did you wash it?

Yes.

I thought it tasted like the bathroom floor at the Warsaw.

Hey, open up. It's your turn. Oh, no, I'm not playing with that. It's been

mouth.

Hey. Hey.

April, how you doing?

Hey, April, these are my friends, Lewis and Oswald.

Well, hello.

So are you a woman or an angel whose wings have been hacked off by some

Yeah, that's Lewis's best pickup line.

He's probably surprised your pants are still on.

So April, how's the apartment hunt going?

Oh, not bad. We found a cute little studio over on Mayfield.

A studio, huh?

Does that mean you're unattached?

Or you and your husband are very poor?

Listen, we just came by because I think I left my cell phone here. And we've got

to get you some furniture for your apartment.

Oh, you know, I prefer antiques.

It's nice when the pieces in your house have a story to tell, don't you think?

Yeah, I think that's nice.

My favorite is a lovely Victorian game table that my...

Uncle Roger stepped off to hang himself.

Okay. Maybe we should go.

It was nice meeting you all.

Bye -bye.

Bye. Bye.

Kelly has a beautiful cousin and it never occurred to her to set us up.

Well, you know, your voice went up at the end of that like it was a question.

Drew, we deserve to know.

In the afterglow of sex when you're holding each other and there are no

what does Kelly say about it?

We don't really talk about you after sex, but we do scream your names while

we're doing it.

Oh, no.

If you two are here doing this, then who's guarding the president?

Hey, tell Guts I finally got Saturday off so I can come watch you play soccer.

Oh, no. Not after the scene you made at a T -ball game.

That ball was high and inside.

I don't care what anybody says.

The ball sticks on a cup attached to a stick.

The stick was high. It was placed too far inside.

You know, he doesn't have his father around, and I want to go there and

him. It's good to have family cheer you on.

Yeah, if you get up on a high enough ledge, I'll cheer you on.

If I'm up on the ledge with a scope, I'll cheer you on while you run.

Had to stop at the ATM on the way over here, and when I saw my balance, I had

sit down and think about my life for a minute.

Fun to fun.

What? Fun to fun?

Yeah, the league commissioner doesn't like to keep score. That way, all the

are winners.

Sounds like a load of crap to me.

Gus likes running around. Let him be.

How about you guys? You buying into this whole commie, we are the world, soccer

league thing?

You're embarrassing me.

Don't talk to me about embarrassment. People will probably think we're

That's the ball. Come on, guys.

You can do it. I got you. I'm not going to stop you.

Maybe it's for fun.

Come on, buddy.

You can do it.

What?

What? What the hell?

What did you give that other kid the ball for?

I can tell you're upset. You dropped a stitch.

Uh -oh. Now you're done it. Here comes the lead commissioner.

Hey,

that's our paper boy. Yeah, well, here is Commissioner Murphy. He's a very

powerful figure. In fact, that's his soccer ball.

Excuse me, sir.

Hi, I'm Phil Murphy, league commissioner.

Hi, Drew Carey, that's my nephew who was just too polite to score a goal there.

Look, we really prefer that if you're going to cheer, you cheer for both sides

equally.

Yeah, well, my nephew only plays for one team.

So, for commissioner, you don't seem to know much about soccer, do you?

We just feel that cheering creates an atmosphere of competition that, well,

unhealthy for kids this young.

Yeah, but competition is what life's all about. That's why kids play sports if

you teach them about life.

I mean, your soccer ball there, that's not just a soccer ball. It's a hot car

a hot girl. You want to teach boys that young if they can just all take a turn

with it?

I have to consider the feelings of all the kids, Mr. Carey. Now, if Gus there

scored a goal, how's that going to make the goalie feel?

I don't think he'd care because the little doofus was putting his tongue

every hole in the net.

My son's a fine goalie, okay?

He just happens to like the texture of rope in his mouth.

Yeah, well, no offense, but I think a rope -sucking son of a paperboy better

learn to be a scrapper. Well, you listen to me, Mr. Perry. I've been doing this

a long time, okay?

I've got an associate's degree in child psychology. So I think I'll continue to

call the shots here. Yes, sir, if you don't mind.

Well, let me tell you something. If I didn't like Dilbert so much, I would

cancel my paper in a second.

Every morning just to keep a job, I gotta fight my way through the bustle of

love. Sounds of the city pounding in my brain, while another day goes down the

drain. But there's a five o 'clock world when the whistle blows, no one owns a

piece of my time.

And there's a five o 'clock me inside my clothes, thinking that the world will

stop.

you didn't set either of us up with your single cousin, huh?

Oh, you guys don't want to go out with my cousin.

You wouldn't know it to look at her, but she's got serious emotional problems.

But physically, she's a woman, right?

Yeah, but she can't hold down a job and she's been arrested for shoplifting a

couple of times. Trust me, you do not want to go out with her.

Hey, hey, hey.

I haven't had a date in six months.

Last night I set up a candlelight dinner for me and a Pat Benatar album cover.

Walking in on that will sober your ass up.

Yeah. Well, even after all that, you guys are still too good for her. Bye.

No, I think it's entirely possible she's making all this stuff up to keep us

away from her cousin.

I bet she doesn't even have a cousin.

No, we met her cousin.

Oh, yeah.

Then I got to admit, I'm lost.

I don't know if she's making this stuff up or not. I still want to date her

cousin. Yeah, me too, but I want to go first.

Don't you have an album cover at home that has you on a pretty short leash?

How are we going to settle that?

I think you owe me.

Well, how's that?

And when those squirrels got in the house and started running around, who

stunned them with the shovel?

You did. Yeah. And when those baby birds woke you up that morning, who blew the

nest out of the tree with a fire extinguisher?

You did. Yeah.

And who screams Chinese into the phone every time those telemarketers call?

You do. You take such good care of me.

Hey. Hey. Hey, Drew, we're going to the war cell. You want to go?

No, I can't.

I have to stay here and have a little talk with Gus about the competition.

Your little nephew making the moves on Kelly?

No. It's that soccer league that got him in. You know, his dad's not around.

It's up to me to tell him the way the world works. Yeah?

When you do, tell him the world's a cold, hard place where you got a grape

claw for everything you get.

Yeah, unless you're good looking.

He's half Bobeck, half Gary.

Oh, yeah, I'm sorry. Let me just drag my club foot and hump in there and see

what I can do.

What you watching?

Dancing.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

You're seeing Aguilera.

Wow, look, her clothes are all ripped up. She's all sweaty.

Maybe she's been in an accident or something.

She's okay.

Okay, I'm going to shut the top right now.

Listen, I want to talk to you about your soccer game.

Okay. Now, look, you had the ball.

and you were dribbling toward the goalie, but you gave the ball to the

What's the matter? Don't you want to score any goals?

They don't count anyway.

But they do count, and whoever scores the most goals, he wins the game.

Mr. Murphy says we're all winners.

Well, Mr. Murphy's a 40 -year -old paper boy.

Now listen, in soccer, there's winners and there's losers.

It's just like life.

Really? Yeah. Now, I taped a little something off the animal channel. Let me

show you.

A little demonstration.

How come the lion's on top of the other lion?

He's just, you know, getting a better view of the other animals. Okay, let me

fast forward that.

There. There.

See the leopard?

Uh -huh. He's fast.

That's right. The leopard's really fast.

See the rabbit?

Leopard, rabbit, leopard, rabbit. Watch out, bunny, rabbit. Here comes the

leopard. Watch out, bunny.

Boom!

A winner.

You can tell who the winner is because he still has his hat on.

Winning is better.

That's right.

And that's how you have to be on the soccer field.

Okay. Will you read to me, Uncle Drew?

You know, I'm paying for 200 channels. I think you can find something better

than a book.

What the hell is he doing?

Why doesn't the ref blow the whistle?

Because the ref doesn't have a whistle. He just has tissues and boo -boo

lollipops.

Come

on.

They're all winners.

Couldn't let him just kick...

Gus was supposed to have a play date with that little girl holding her bloody

tooth in the plastic bag.

Yeah, well, you know, kids today would lay off a soda, drink a little more

that kind of thing wouldn't happen.

Well, well, well. I assume this is your doing.

Look, kids get bumps and scrapes all the time, all right? It's all part of

growing up. Well, not in my league.

Gus is out. For what? Having a little competitive spirit?

No, for the elbow, the straight arm, and the vicious kick to the crotch.

Hey, don't punish my kid.

It's his fault.

Let's punish him. Come on. With my street smarts and your junior college

we could come up with something great.

I'm not going to stick to your level, okay?

My mandate as commissioner of this league is to provide these kids with a

wholesome experience.

And I intend to deliver.

Yeah, well, while you're delivering that, why don't you bring me another

paper? Because you threw the last one in a puddle.

So does that mean I can't play soccer anymore?

I guess not, Gus.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I should have been more clear.

Instead of showing a leopard with a ball and a rabbit, I should have showed you

a soccer video.

It's going to be okay, honey.

Can you just stay right here?

Mama's got to talk to Uncle Drew.

Fix it.

You don't understand. We're powerless here.

That guy owns the ball.

I don't care what you have to do. Just get Gus back in the league.

Mimi? I don't get to look down on many people. Please don't make me kiss a

boy's ass.

Kiss it, spank it, make it sing like a gypsy violin. Just get my kid back in

league.

Hey.

Nice suit.

No thanks, mister. I'm here with a lady.

Is that really necessary?

I've had the same male roommate for 20 years. When I get a chance to set the

record straight, I take it.

You're not going out with Kelly's cousin, are you?

Didn't you hear what she said about her? The jail time, the theft?

Look, Drew, I think a woman is more than just the mistakes she's made.

She's a heart, a soul, an ass, and a pair of boobs.

That's the same speech you gave at your grandmother's eulogy.

Hey, Drew.

Hey, April.

All right, well, enough with the chit -chat. We're going back to my place for

little romantic nightcap and then intercourse.

At least you can brace yourself for what's coming.

Mr. Murphy, I'm right here. Thank you so much for coming down to see me. You've

got ten minutes.

I have to get up early to deal with some important papers.

You want to jump on that, Mr. Funny Man? No.

Look, I realize now that I was wrong. I was wrong to teach Gus to

be competitive.

Because? Because we're all winners.

Because my nephew kicked your son in the goody sack.

You mocking me?

No, sir. I'm not mocking you. Mocking you would be wrong.

Look, I know you don't agree with the way I do things, Perry, but

feel that if kids develop good self -esteem early, they'll do better in

Yeah, and I realize it got out of hand, and I just wanted to peach cut about

working hard and winning at something.

Boy, why don't you say it out loud? It sounds so stupid.

You're not exactly convincing me. Look, I need to know that you understand our

philosophies and that Gus will abide by them.

I understand that it's wrong for kids to compete and that they should be nice to

each other so they can all end up feeling like winners.

And? And you're a very handsome man who understands

what's best for kids.

All right, fine.

Gus can come back, but he is on probation.

So, one more positive drug test, he's back in the slammer.

That's not funny. Of course not. It's not.

Drugs aren't funny.

My compliments on the inner court.

Thank you.

I wasn't talking to you.

Why do you always call it inner court?

I respect you too much to use slang.

Well, I...

wonderful time.

You seemed very organized.

By the way, what's all that writing all over your arm?

Oh, just some notes. If I don't script my first ten moves in advance, I panic

and start thrashing around.

Well, I'm glad you remained so calm.

You seem to be sobering up. I'll get you another beer.

Finally, a gentleman.

I'm bringing whipped cream.

It may have gone bad, but you tell me.

Hey, how hard is that to learn?

Hey, is the score still fun to fund?

Because if they don't win by at least one, I'm out a lot of money.

Hey, how's the game going, Kelly?

It's okay.

I know you're not supposed to drink at kids' soccer games, so I brought

binoculars.

That's ingenious.

No one's going to notice you sucking on a pair of binoculars.

So, how was your date with April?

Great. She stole my heart.

And then all the stuff off my dresser.

only have yourself to blame.

No, I'm not upset. We're seeing each other again tonight.

What about all the stuff she stole?

Yeah, all she got was my watch, my diamond pinky ring, and my Abraham

autograph.

Yeah, I stopped buying it when you said you had a watch.

It was all carefully planted crap.

I signed the Abraham Lincoln autograph myself. If she bothers to look, she'll

see that Honest Abe was General Grant, a bitch of summer.

Why, you're really judgmental, you know? I think we got a nice thing going here.

Oh, hey, does anybody know if Harry Truman has an E in his name?

Uh, Gus, what are you doing here in the middle of the game? I'm bored.

Will you go get some ice cream?

Of course you're bored.

We're all bored, okay?

But your teammates need you.

You have to get out there, because if you don't, they're, uh, you know,

they're... You still have another hour of pointless kicking.

I like it more when I can score a goal.

Well, sweetie, you can't just quit in the middle of the game.

I'd get a ribbon anyway.

Well, we need to go back out there because those kids are sniffing

there. You better go see what it is.

You know, he's not having any fun and he's not learning anything.

I'm starting to think that we're just all wasting our time out here.

What are you talking about?

Look, they're all winners.

Standing out there in a circle sniffing God knows what.

Hey. Hey, where'd you sneak off to?

I had to go get some snacks for the kids.

You're not the snack mom.

What's going on?

I just figured hopefully this will give the kids something to play for.

You know, I mean, you can't have fun unless you're doing your best.

Unless you're drinking age, then anything can be fun.

Keep one for yourself because you need something to commemorate the one time in

your life you were right. I'm going to offer Comrade Murphy.

Hey kids, look what I got for you.

Cool, those are better than ribbons. Yeah, you're darn right they are.

Now, the team who scores the most goals when you get back out there gets these.

What does the other team get?

An empty feeling.

I can't look.

Oh,

it's all right.

Let's go.

It's always okay.

This rope is cool.

Because you earned it, right?

No, because it's shiny.

Hey, I'm sorry I got Gus kicked out of the league again.

Yeah, I don't care.

At least he didn't go out like a punk.

You know, I think he's going to be a jock.

I think he'd be the first carrier to earn a letter jacket in high school.

I mean, you know, for real sport, not for math team.

Well, watch your dirty music videos. I'm going to bed.

Yeah, cough and come down the stairs.

Wait 30 seconds and then cough again.

Could You Path?

The Ultimate Lob Task premieres next on ABC.

We've had some good times, but let's face it, where's this relationship

Look, I hope we end up friends, but as you said yourself, love is a

And baby, we lost.

If it makes you feel any better, you can hit me with your best shot.

I'm sorry, that was mean. I know you hate that.

Hello,

Christina.