Original subtitles

Previously, on The Drew Carey Show... Oh my God, that's Steven Meemee's house!

Thanks for giving Gus a wood -burning tit, jackass!

I'm sure Meemee's told you by now that I've left her. I know this is awful.

You have to come stay with Meemee.

You know, if you shut your beer hole for a minute, I could fill up this claim

form, get my check, and move the hell out of here.

No, it can't happen fast enough for me. My dad died a couple days ago.

I'm sorry to hear that.

So, what's it gonna be with you two?

Slap an ass or shake an hand?

I don't think that we can be just friends.

I want more, Jill.

Oh. Oh, my.

Oh, that's terrible.

This is just awful.

Oh, my.

All right, all right, all right.

What is it now?

Broccoli. 90 cents a pound. This is highway robbery. In Florida, it is 67

a pound.

Yeah, well, the mob controls it, so what are you going to do?

Drew, you should eat more broccoli.

No.

I'm not eating that stuff that goes down to 29 cents a pound and it turns into

salami.

I appreciate your concern about my eating habits. I'm fine, all right? Of

you are. You know, that shirt is wrinkled.

Are you going to wear that to work?

No, it's my breakfast shirt, Mom.

I change outfits throughout the day. I'm like Cher.

I don't see how you're going to get ahead at work if you dress like a

person. Mom, all the kids are dressing like this.

for dinner. How about a nice pork chop? They're on sale.

That sounds great, Mom. Thanks. Why don't you give me that shirt so I can

it? Oh.

Oh, good heavens. Your generation, you know, in my day, a man wouldn't go get

the mail without a hat and a shirt and a tie.

Mom, I'm in the bathroom checking my email.

I am not crazy about this email business.

Whatever happened to getting a pen and a nice piece of stationery and taking

some pride in writing and penmanship?

Well, I wish you were in Florida so I could write you a long letter.

You're so sweet. Why would I ever go back to Florida?

How am I supposed to go to work now, being so horny?

Oh, great, you're in heat.

The buffalo seaman gets here in time. Maybe he can repopulate America's

If you find the irons, you're just going to have to wear this wrinkly mess.

You know, when you dress like this, it reflects badly on me.

Well, that depends how far back you want to go.

Maybe it reflects badly on your mother.

You're going to watch Gus tonight, right, Mom?

Oh, I wouldn't miss it. We watch TV together. We like that show with that

Australian in the shorts where he teaches children to pick up poisonous

You don't have to rush back to Florida.

Gus loves seeing you, and I love the free babysitting.

Why don't you call the airline and make your ticket open -ended?

Uh, you know, Mom has her own life down in Florida, probably wants to get back

to it. And if you'd gotten away or stopped her, that would be impolite or

dangerous.

That's a wonderful idea, Mimi. I'm going to call the airlines right now.

You know, I could get on the phone and have your brother here in an hour.

And I'll do it. I got nothing to lose.

This was O 'Reilly's drugstore.

They made the most wonderful banana splits here. See, they would take a

and they would split it. Then they would put scoops of ice cream. Then they

would have syrup on it. I know how to make a banana split.

I'm sorry, honey. I know you knew everything.

Hey, look, there they are.

Oh, Jim!

It's so wonderful to see you. Well, you can thank Drew.

I wouldn't have even known you were here if he hadn't called me.

And faxed me.

And all his e -mails.

Yeah, well, you moms probably have a lot of catching up to do. Probably want to

talk about how everything used to be giant, cost a nickel.

Actually, we're going to talk about how this country went to pot when it became

wrong to hit your kids.

Hey. Hey, check it out.

Tickets to the escapades.

Wow!

This'll be the best 10th birthday ever!

Oh.

For Mimi, Gus, and my mom. That way we'll finally have a night all to

A night to ourselves?

Just the two of us? Whatever, Will.

We do.

It's been a week. You know what we're going to be doing. I'm going to be cute

about it later.

Well, you can be a little cute about it. You know, I don't have a girlfriend.

This is all I've got.

Oh,

and guys, two beers for your mom.

I am going to put on your tab.

Oh, and by the way, you left me an outrageous tip.

I think you should bring your mom down. Yeah, it's nice for them to have people

their own age to talk to.

Yeah, last week I bought a chainsaw and trimmed the trees just so I got some

peace and quiet.

Yeah, I hear you. My mom's between boyfriends and...

She's been over at the house all the time. I'm getting really sick of hearing

what I can and can't put in the damn microwave.

You know, it's been so long since my dad died, I wish Mom would go out and start

seeing someone, but she's been out of the game so long, I don't know where

start. I know it dates a lot, but I want her to find the one nice guy and settle

down.

Wouldn't be bad to have a guy to call Dad.

You're 40. You really looking for somebody to call Dad at this point?

Or Papa.

I'll leave that up to him.

I can't see my mom back in the dating scene.

Maybe we could do it for them.

You know, find a couple of nice elderly gentlemen.

Isn't there a bar where young men go to meet old men for their moms?

If there is, I don't think I want to go in it.

Oh, man, how are we going to do this?

How do you pick up an old man for your mom?

Same way you pick up a young man for your mom, except you have to talk

He's gorgeous.

Hey, hey, hey.

Inside voices.

Hi. Drew Carey is my friend Oswald. We're here to check out this place for

mom. I'm Woody. Yeah, it's a great place. I teach a class here.

Ooh, a teacher.

Stop it.

Pottery, huh?

Wow. Can I ask you a couple questions about the class? Sure.

Do the students have to bring their own clay? And did you lose your wedding ring

in one of the pots?

Well, I supply all the materials, and I don't wear my ring because I buried it

with my wife.

Oh, good.

I mean about the clay. Sorry about your wife.

So, clay is pretty heavy. You must be in pretty good shape lugging that around

all day. I swim an hour a day.

What's any of this got to do with my class?

Well, you know, when you pay $39 for a class, you don't want the instructor

dropping dead in the middle of it.

Would you ever buy me a dog and take me to the park?

You know, you can't drink in here.

What are you doing?

You're getting the room that's for my mom.

Well, Drew, I want them.

Well, you can't have them.

My mom likes pottery. She likes to swim. She had less in common with my dad.

Yeah, well, too bad. I saw him first.

Why don't you take that guy? He seems like a good fit for your mom.

Well, he reads.

Maybe they can read each other broccoli prices.

Excuse me, I was wondering if I could talk to you for a second.

I'm happy with my God. Move on, son.

No, no, no. It's about my mom.

Listen, I saw this scam on 2020.

I'm not your father, and I'm not giving you a dime.

No, see, my mom's a recently widowed, just kind of new to the older single

scene, and I'm trying to find her some companionship.

Oh. Oh, well, in that case, let me cut to the chase.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm looking for somebody who can cook, drive at night.

and would like to explore the fine line between pain and pleasure.

It was nice talking to you.

How'd you do?

Looking for somebody who can drive at night.

then. I'm going to have to arrest you for indecent exposure unless you can

your way out of it. Take your pants off. Smooth.

Would you believe that broccoli is up to 95 cents?

Mom!

How come you're not at the ice capade?

Oh, I thought Mimi and Gus should have some time alone.

Well, Kelly, aren't you hot in that coat?

You have no idea.

I just remembered I can't stay.

Oh, why not?

I, um, I have to go home and take care of something that Drew's been promising

to do for a week now.

But, um, I'll just go home and take care of it myself.

Well, maybe if all three of us pitch in, we can get it done.

I just went to the store. I was planning on making a lovely dinner.

But that's all right.

I'll just have a can of soup and look at some pictures of you when you're a

little boy.

Okay, well, bye, Kelly.

Yeah, bye.

See you tomorrow.

No, wait.

I'll come over to your house later on. I'll put some amaretto on her ice cream.

She'll be out in an hour.

I'm kidding.

Hey, by the way, do you know any handsome 70 -year -old men?

I wish I did.

No, I'm being selfish.

But, you know, it's a mother's prerogative to want to spend some time

favorite son.

I'm only your favorite because Steve abandoned his family and ran off.

It doesn't matter how you became the favorite.

You're the favorite.

Hey.

Oh, hey, Drew. What do you want to talk to me about?

Hey, did your mom go out with Woody yet? No, I sent him off for tomorrow night.

Well, get this.

I did a background check on the guy on the Internet, right? And he's really

bad news.

Really? Yeah.

I mean, he spent, you know, 15 years in prison.

Wow. He seemed like such a nice guy.

Who was he in for?

Well, you know, what difference does it make?

Oh, I just want to know how bad it was.

Bad. You know, he sold drugs.

Wow, that is bad.

Yeah. On the other hand, you know, he paid his debt and people do change.

He sold drugs to kids.

Huh. Blind kids. Oh, my God.

I know. You just have to keep this guy away from your mom.

Wow. You know, I have half a mind to go down to that senior rec center and tell

him all about it. I already took care of it. I already took care of it. Yeah,

and I canceled the date for tomorrow night.

Wow. Gee, thanks. Drew, you really came through for me.

Mom's Woody. Woody's my mom.

Sergeant Hamburger, I had to put bacon on it for you. How's that working out?

Oh, it's great. It was so greasy I didn't have to chew.

Hey, so you really think we're going to find some old guys for our moms down at

the drugstore?

Yeah, sure. There's always tons of them hanging around the free blood pressure

machine.

That thing doesn't work.

It said mine was 265 over 100.

Could you pass the salt, please? Sure.

I'm, uh, gonna get another beer.

Wow. Man, I can barely look Oswald in the eye.

Hey, don't feel bad. You know, your mother needs companionship, Drew. You

thinking of her happiness first, and that's okay.

I guess.

At least she's busy.

Hey, you know, I could wear my trench coat over to your place.

Oh, wait.

I lost the belt and I take the bus. I better not.

Drew, what's your mom doing with Woody?

That's not Woody.

Gee, do all old people look the same to you?

Hi, Drew. Hi. What are you guys doing here?

Well, we had such a wonderful time, we thought we'd stop in for a nightcap.

Yeah, but you can't be here. The word on the street is there's some toughs from

Akron coming up here to start trouble.

That is Woody.

We don't want your type around here, pusher man.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Drew, I don't understand why your mom is with Woody.

You lied to me.

You stole my papa, you bastard.

I'm sorry,

Oswald. I just couldn't take it anymore. I had to find someone for my mom.

Yeah, well, that's too bad.

I'm gonna make sure that Woody meets my mom, and when he does, he's gonna fall

for her, because she's got a smoking hot body, and she puts out.

Look what you made me say!

Hey, I just helped your mom with her hair, and she looks gorgeous.

Yeah, well, great. Where the hell's Woody?

I wouldn't be so worried about Oswald screwing this up if they were out on

second date already.

Oh, Drew, just relax. It's obvious Woody likes your mom.

Yeah, but he hasn't met Oswald's mom yet.

You know, I hope that you look that good when you're... Well, I'll love you no

matter how badly the years keep coming.

You're just determined not to see me naked, aren't you?

Listen, um, can you go hurry up a little and... I don't know, do you think it'd

be a good idea if maybe you...

talked her into, like, tossing one Woody's way.

Excuse me?

Yeah, I mean, you know, use different words. You can flower it up a little.

Drew, could you help me put this on?

Mom, you look great. And, uh, Kelly has something she wants to tell you.

Uh, that's a great outfit.

Yeah, you look really beautiful, Mom. And, uh, that, uh, that Woody's a really

lucky guy. Oh, you're so sweet.

Yeah, and, uh, speaking of lucky...

You know, nowadays, when two people date, it's, you know, customary

for a man to expect some physical, you know...

Kelly, go home!

That's appalling. I'm not going to jump into bed on a second date.

I'm just trying to get to know this man.

I know, but he's, you know, he's 74. He might want to step it up a little.

Oh, that's him. Oh, let me check my makeup and tell Woody that I'll be out

minute.

Hey, Woody, how you doing?

Nice to see you. Have a seat.

Thanks. Yeah, Mom's up in a second. She said she had a good time with you the

other night. Oh, yeah, she's a terrific lady.

Oh, yeah, she's terrific. Good cook, great dancer.

Knows how to keep her yap shut during a football game.

Well, if you're her favorite, your brother must be a gem.

I can't talk now. I'm naked.

The woman you're about to meet is the town whore.

Bingo. There's Woody.

Anyway, we're just here to see Beulah. Yeah, well, she's busy, so good night.

Woody, I'd like you to meet Kim.

I know what you're thinking.

Oswald has a hot -looking sister. Wrong!

This is my single mom.

Lick your lips.

Excuse me?

It's windy outside. They'll chat. Lick your lips.

I'm sorry.

It's nice to meet you, Woody. Hi. Good to see you. Soft answer.

There's antibacterial soap in the back.

Well, Oswald insisted we stop by to say hello, but looks like you're on your way

out. We'll see you later.

No, no, no.

Mrs. Carey, you look tired.

You should get some rest.

Hey, Mom, why don't you take Woody out? Show him a good time.

Bet you saw a lot of films that start like that when you were in the Army.

You should really get going. Bye.

No, Mom, you and Woody should get going.

Wait a second. Is that why you made me wear this sweater?

Yes.

He was mine. Drew stole it.

This is actually a very funny story.

No. No, it's not. He told me that you sold drugs to blind kids.

What?

Look, this is what happened.

Oswald and I went to the senior center, okay?

And I saw Woody, and I wanted him, but then I traded him to Oswald for another

old guy, but he was a freak, so I said, no way.

You know, I'm beginning to believe that that woman's not even a whore.

You told him I was a whore?

This is just turning into a giant game of he said, she said right now.

You went out trying to find a man for me? He said you were driving him nuts.

He called me a drug dealer.

Only to blind kids.

You called me a whore.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Suddenly I'm the bad guy here?

Just because I wanted my mom to have some companionship? Because I thought

Kim was so attractive that she wouldn't have any trouble finding any man at all?

Excuse me if some feathers got ruffled.

You know, if you want a scapegoat, I'll be your scapegoat.

Yeah, you know why? Because I care.

I care so much about each and every one of you.

I know you're still mad at me, but I found a great guy for your mom.

He looks like a poor man's Woody.

No, look, I found him at the hardware store.

He's handy.

And he's a retired doctor.

He's got three daughters.

Always wanted a son.

Well, I like that.

You know, it'd be great if you finally have a dad and maybe get to sleep with

one of your sisters.

Oh, I guess it wouldn't hurt to meet him. It's just for drinks, right? Yeah,

pressure.

Paul, come right here.

Paul's my friend Oswald. Oswald, this is Paul.

Nice to meet you.

Can I buy another beer? Oh, sure, sure.

You're not driving, are you? I think you raised me better than that.

That's his mom.

So, I hear everybody hates you now.

Just remember, I hated you before it was cool.

Yeah, you're quite a pioneer.

Well, at least, you know, pulled the wagons for the pioneers.

Well, this is it.

Mom, hey, I'm really sorry.

Don't go.

Oh, I'm not leaving because of you.

Woody and I are going to the Poconos for a couple of days.

Oh.

Well, that's great. Hey, nothing like a little old -fashioned courting.

You know, ice cream sodas and lemonades on the porch swing, holding hands.

We have adjoining rooms with a heart -shaped tub in one of them.

You go, Mom.

I'll see you in a couple of days.

Your mom's going to be doing it. Shut up.