All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show s09e01 Drew Hunts Silver Fox

Previously, on The Drew Carey Show... Oh
my God, that's Steven Meemee's house!

Thanks for giving Gus a wood -burning
tit, jackass!

I'm sure Meemee's told you by now that
I've left her. I know this is awful.

You have to come stay with Meemee.

You know, if you shut your beer hole for
a minute, I could fill up this claim

form, get my check, and move the hell
out of here.

No, it can't happen fast enough for me.
My dad died a couple days ago.

I'm sorry to hear that.

So, what's it gonna be with you two?

Slap an ass or shake an hand?

I don't think that we can be just
friends.

I want more, Jill.

Oh. Oh, my.

Oh, that's terrible.

This is just awful.

Oh, my.

All right, all right, all right.

What is it now?

Broccoli. 90 cents a pound. This is
highway robbery. In Florida, it is 67

a pound.

Yeah, well, the mob controls it, so what
are you going to do?

Drew, you should eat more broccoli.

No.

I'm not eating that stuff that goes down
to 29 cents a pound and it turns into

salami.

I appreciate your concern about my
eating habits. I'm fine, all right? Of

you are. You know, that shirt is
wrinkled.

Are you going to wear that to work?

No, it's my breakfast shirt, Mom.

I change outfits throughout the day. I'm
like Cher.

I don't see how you're going to get
ahead at work if you dress like a

person. Mom, all the kids are dressing
like this.

for dinner. How about a nice pork chop?
They're on sale.

That sounds great, Mom. Thanks. Why
don't you give me that shirt so I can

it? Oh.

Oh, good heavens. Your generation, you
know, in my day, a man wouldn't go get

the mail without a hat and a shirt and a
tie.

Mom, I'm in the bathroom checking my
email.

I am not crazy about this email
business.

Whatever happened to getting a pen and a
nice piece of stationery and taking

some pride in writing and penmanship?

Well, I wish you were in Florida so I
could write you a long letter.

You're so sweet. Why would I ever go
back to Florida?

How am I supposed to go to work now,
being so horny?

Oh, great, you're in heat.

The buffalo seaman gets here in time.
Maybe he can repopulate America's

If you find the irons, you're just going
to have to wear this wrinkly mess.

You know, when you dress like this, it
reflects badly on me.

Well, that depends how far back you want
to go.

Maybe it reflects badly on your mother.

You're going to watch Gus tonight,
right, Mom?

Oh, I wouldn't miss it. We watch TV
together. We like that show with that

Australian in the shorts where he
teaches children to pick up poisonous

You don't have to rush back to Florida.

Gus loves seeing you, and I love the
free babysitting.

Why don't you call the airline and make
your ticket open -ended?

Uh, you know, Mom has her own life down
in Florida, probably wants to get back

to it. And if you'd gotten away or
stopped her, that would be impolite or

dangerous.

That's a wonderful idea, Mimi. I'm going
to call the airlines right now.

You know, I could get on the phone and
have your brother here in an hour.

And I'll do it. I got nothing to lose.

This was O 'Reilly's drugstore.

They made the most wonderful banana
splits here. See, they would take a

and they would split it. Then they would
put scoops of ice cream. Then they

would have syrup on it. I know how to
make a banana split.

I'm sorry, honey. I know you knew
everything.

Hey, look, there they are.

Oh, Jim!

It's so wonderful to see you. Well, you
can thank Drew.

I wouldn't have even known you were here
if he hadn't called me.

And faxed me.

And all his e -mails.

Yeah, well, you moms probably have a lot
of catching up to do. Probably want to

talk about how everything used to be
giant, cost a nickel.

Actually, we're going to talk about how
this country went to pot when it became

wrong to hit your kids.

Hey. Hey, check it out.

Tickets to the escapades.

Wow!

This'll be the best 10th birthday ever!

Oh.

For Mimi, Gus, and my mom. That way
we'll finally have a night all to

A night to ourselves?

Just the two of us? Whatever, Will.

We do.

It's been a week. You know what we're
going to be doing. I'm going to be cute

about it later.

Well, you can be a little cute about it.
You know, I don't have a girlfriend.

This is all I've got.

Oh,

and guys, two beers for your mom.

I am going to put on your tab.

Oh, and by the way, you left me an
outrageous tip.

I think you should bring your mom down.
Yeah, it's nice for them to have people

their own age to talk to.

Yeah, last week I bought a chainsaw and
trimmed the trees just so I got some

peace and quiet.

Yeah, I hear you. My mom's between
boyfriends and...

She's been over at the house all the
time. I'm getting really sick of hearing

what I can and can't put in the damn
microwave.

You know, it's been so long since my dad
died, I wish Mom would go out and start

seeing someone, but she's been out of
the game so long, I don't know where

start. I know it dates a lot, but I want
her to find the one nice guy and settle

down.

Wouldn't be bad to have a guy to call
Dad.

You're 40. You really looking for
somebody to call Dad at this point?

Or Papa.

I'll leave that up to him.

I can't see my mom back in the dating
scene.

Maybe we could do it for them.

You know, find a couple of nice elderly
gentlemen.

Isn't there a bar where young men go to
meet old men for their moms?

If there is, I don't think I want to go
in it.

Oh, man, how are we going to do this?

How do you pick up an old man for your
mom?

Same way you pick up a young man for
your mom, except you have to talk

He's gorgeous.

Hey, hey, hey.

Inside voices.

Hi. Drew Carey is my friend Oswald.
We're here to check out this place for

mom. I'm Woody. Yeah, it's a great
place. I teach a class here.

Ooh, a teacher.

Stop it.

Pottery, huh?

Wow. Can I ask you a couple questions
about the class? Sure.

Do the students have to bring their own
clay? And did you lose your wedding ring

in one of the pots?

Well, I supply all the materials, and I
don't wear my ring because I buried it

with my wife.

Oh, good.

I mean about the clay. Sorry about your
wife.

So, clay is pretty heavy. You must be in
pretty good shape lugging that around

all day. I swim an hour a day.

What's any of this got to do with my
class?

Well, you know, when you pay $39 for a
class, you don't want the instructor

dropping dead in the middle of it.

Would you ever buy me a dog and take me
to the park?

You know, you can't drink in here.

What are you doing?

You're getting the room that's for my
mom.

Well, Drew, I want them.

Well, you can't have them.

My mom likes pottery. She likes to swim.
She had less in common with my dad.

Yeah, well, too bad. I saw him first.

Why don't you take that guy? He seems
like a good fit for your mom.

Well, he reads.

Maybe they can read each other broccoli
prices.

Excuse me, I was wondering if I could
talk to you for a second.

I'm happy with my God. Move on, son.

No, no, no. It's about my mom.

Listen, I saw this scam on 2020.

I'm not your father, and I'm not giving
you a dime.

No, see, my mom's a recently widowed,
just kind of new to the older single

scene, and I'm trying to find her some
companionship.

Oh. Oh, well, in that case, let me cut
to the chase.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm looking for somebody who can cook,
drive at night.

and would like to explore the fine line
between pain and pleasure.

It was nice talking to you.

How'd you do?

Looking for somebody who can drive at
night.

then. I'm going to have to arrest you
for indecent exposure unless you can

your way out of it. Take your pants off.
Smooth.

Would you believe that broccoli is up to
95 cents?

Mom!

How come you're not at the ice capade?

Oh, I thought Mimi and Gus should have
some time alone.

Well, Kelly, aren't you hot in that
coat?

You have no idea.

I just remembered I can't stay.

Oh, why not?

I, um, I have to go home and take care
of something that Drew's been promising

to do for a week now.

But, um, I'll just go home and take care
of it myself.

Well, maybe if all three of us pitch in,
we can get it done.

I just went to the store. I was planning
on making a lovely dinner.

But that's all right.

I'll just have a can of soup and look at
some pictures of you when you're a

little boy.

Okay, well, bye, Kelly.

Yeah, bye.

See you tomorrow.

No, wait.

I'll come over to your house later on.
I'll put some amaretto on her ice cream.

She'll be out in an hour.

I'm kidding.

Hey, by the way, do you know any
handsome 70 -year -old men?

I wish I did.

No, I'm being selfish.

But, you know, it's a mother's
prerogative to want to spend some time

favorite son.

I'm only your favorite because Steve
abandoned his family and ran off.

It doesn't matter how you became the
favorite.

You're the favorite.

Hey.

Oh, hey, Drew. What do you want to talk
to me about?

Hey, did your mom go out with Woody yet?
No, I sent him off for tomorrow night.

Well, get this.

I did a background check on the guy on
the Internet, right? And he's really

bad news.

Really? Yeah.

I mean, he spent, you know, 15 years in
prison.

Wow. He seemed like such a nice guy.

Who was he in for?

Well, you know, what difference does it
make?

Oh, I just want to know how bad it was.

Bad. You know, he sold drugs.

Wow, that is bad.

Yeah. On the other hand, you know, he
paid his debt and people do change.

He sold drugs to kids.

Huh. Blind kids. Oh, my God.

I know. You just have to keep this guy
away from your mom.

Wow. You know, I have half a mind to go
down to that senior rec center and tell

him all about it. I already took care of
it. I already took care of it. Yeah,

and I canceled the date for tomorrow
night.

Wow. Gee, thanks. Drew, you really came
through for me.

Mom's Woody. Woody's my mom.

Sergeant Hamburger, I had to put bacon
on it for you. How's that working out?

Oh, it's great. It was so greasy I
didn't have to chew.

Hey, so you really think we're going to
find some old guys for our moms down at

the drugstore?

Yeah, sure. There's always tons of them
hanging around the free blood pressure

machine.

That thing doesn't work.

It said mine was 265 over 100.

Could you pass the salt, please? Sure.

I'm, uh, gonna get another beer.

Wow. Man, I can barely look Oswald in
the eye.

Hey, don't feel bad. You know, your
mother needs companionship, Drew. You

thinking of her happiness first, and
that's okay.

I guess.

At least she's busy.

Hey, you know, I could wear my trench
coat over to your place.

Oh, wait.

I lost the belt and I take the bus. I
better not.

Drew, what's your mom doing with Woody?

That's not Woody.

Gee, do all old people look the same to
you?

Hi, Drew. Hi. What are you guys doing
here?

Well, we had such a wonderful time, we
thought we'd stop in for a nightcap.

Yeah, but you can't be here. The word on
the street is there's some toughs from

Akron coming up here to start trouble.

That is Woody.

We don't want your type around here,
pusher man.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Drew, I don't understand why your mom is
with Woody.

You lied to me.

You stole my papa, you bastard.

I'm sorry,

Oswald. I just couldn't take it anymore.
I had to find someone for my mom.

Yeah, well, that's too bad.

I'm gonna make sure that Woody meets my
mom, and when he does, he's gonna fall

for her, because she's got a smoking hot
body, and she puts out.

Look what you made me say!

Hey, I just helped your mom with her
hair, and she looks gorgeous.

Yeah, well, great. Where the hell's
Woody?

I wouldn't be so worried about Oswald
screwing this up if they were out on

second date already.

Oh, Drew, just relax. It's obvious Woody
likes your mom.

Yeah, but he hasn't met Oswald's mom
yet.

You know, I hope that you look that good
when you're... Well, I'll love you no

matter how badly the years keep coming.

You're just determined not to see me
naked, aren't you?

Listen, um, can you go hurry up a little
and... I don't know, do you think it'd

be a good idea if maybe you...

talked her into, like, tossing one
Woody's way.

Excuse me?

Yeah, I mean, you know, use different
words. You can flower it up a little.

Drew, could you help me put this on?

Mom, you look great. And, uh, Kelly has
something she wants to tell you.

Uh, that's a great outfit.

Yeah, you look really beautiful, Mom.
And, uh, that, uh, that Woody's a really

lucky guy. Oh, you're so sweet.

Yeah, and, uh, speaking of lucky...

You know, nowadays, when two people
date, it's, you know, customary

for a man to expect some physical, you
know...

Kelly, go home!

That's appalling. I'm not going to jump
into bed on a second date.

I'm just trying to get to know this man.

I know, but he's, you know, he's 74. He
might want to step it up a little.

Oh, that's him. Oh, let me check my
makeup and tell Woody that I'll be out

minute.

Hey, Woody, how you doing?

Nice to see you. Have a seat.

Thanks. Yeah, Mom's up in a second. She
said she had a good time with you the

other night. Oh, yeah, she's a terrific
lady.

Oh, yeah, she's terrific. Good cook,
great dancer.

Knows how to keep her yap shut during a
football game.

Well, if you're her favorite, your
brother must be a gem.

I can't talk now. I'm naked.

The woman you're about to meet is the
town whore.

Bingo. There's Woody.

Anyway, we're just here to see Beulah.
Yeah, well, she's busy, so good night.

Woody, I'd like you to meet Kim.

I know what you're thinking.

Oswald has a hot -looking sister. Wrong!

This is my single mom.

Lick your lips.

Excuse me?

It's windy outside. They'll chat. Lick
your lips.

I'm sorry.

It's nice to meet you, Woody. Hi. Good
to see you. Soft answer.

There's antibacterial soap in the back.

Well, Oswald insisted we stop by to say
hello, but looks like you're on your way

out. We'll see you later.

No, no, no.

Mrs. Carey, you look tired.

You should get some rest.

Hey, Mom, why don't you take Woody out?
Show him a good time.

Bet you saw a lot of films that start
like that when you were in the Army.

You should really get going. Bye.

No, Mom, you and Woody should get going.

Wait a second. Is that why you made me
wear this sweater?

Yes.

He was mine. Drew stole it.

This is actually a very funny story.

No. No, it's not. He told me that you
sold drugs to blind kids.

What?

Look, this is what happened.

Oswald and I went to the senior center,
okay?

And I saw Woody, and I wanted him, but
then I traded him to Oswald for another

old guy, but he was a freak, so I said,
no way.

You know, I'm beginning to believe that
that woman's not even a whore.

You told him I was a whore?

This is just turning into a giant game
of he said, she said right now.

You went out trying to find a man for
me? He said you were driving him nuts.

He called me a drug dealer.

Only to blind kids.

You called me a whore.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Suddenly I'm the bad guy here?

Just because I wanted my mom to have
some companionship? Because I thought

Kim was so attractive that she wouldn't
have any trouble finding any man at all?

Excuse me if some feathers got ruffled.

You know, if you want a scapegoat, I'll
be your scapegoat.

Yeah, you know why? Because I care.

I care so much about each and every one
of you.

I know you're still mad at me, but I
found a great guy for your mom.

He looks like a poor man's Woody.

No, look, I found him at the hardware
store.

He's handy.

And he's a retired doctor.

He's got three daughters.

Always wanted a son.

Well, I like that.

You know, it'd be great if you finally
have a dad and maybe get to sleep with

one of your sisters.

Oh, I guess it wouldn't hurt to meet
him. It's just for drinks, right? Yeah,

pressure.

Paul, come right here.

Paul's my friend Oswald. Oswald, this is
Paul.

Nice to meet you.

Can I buy another beer? Oh, sure, sure.

You're not driving, are you? I think you
raised me better than that.

That's his mom.

So, I hear everybody hates you now.

Just remember, I hated you before it was
cool.

Yeah, you're quite a pioneer.

Well, at least, you know, pulled the
wagons for the pioneers.

Well, this is it.

Mom, hey, I'm really sorry.

Don't go.

Oh, I'm not leaving because of you.

Woody and I are going to the Poconos for
a couple of days.

Oh.

Well, that's great. Hey, nothing like a
little old -fashioned courting.

You know, ice cream sodas and lemonades
on the porch swing, holding hands.

We have adjoining rooms with a heart
-shaped tub in one of them.

You go, Mom.

I'll see you in a couple of days.

Your mom's going to be doing it. Shut
up.