Original subtitles

Okay. Finished my toast.

Really? Yeah.

Let's hear what you got. Okay.

I've known Drew since I was ten.

He's my best friend. Though I haven't found a love of my own, I consider

lucky to have witnessed a love that's grown between Drew and Lily.

What?

That's the exact same toast I just wrote for Drew.

Word for word.

You met Drew when you were eight. Well, except for that word.

Oh, well, I guess I'll pull this out and start again.

Well, I should think so.

You know what? Your handwriting's a lot neater than mine. I'll just use this.

Okay.

Hi!

Hi!

How did you get more handsome every year?

And... Lewis.

Where's your husband? Filled his pockets full of rocks and walked into the sea,

I'm guessing.

Well, he didn't come. Mr. Funny Man had to make a bomb joke at the airport.

They don't like that anymore.

Hey, where's Lily?

Oh, she's upstairs showing her mom her wedding dress.

Oh, wait. I've got to tidy up first. I don't want her to think her future

-in -law lives in a boxcar.

Did you know that he was arrested

for dancing book naked in a public place?

Did you know that he was married to two women at the...

Hey, how's your flight?

Sorry about your mom, honey. Geez, you really told her off.

He has no right to tell me who I can and cannot marry.

And I just know all those things she said about Drew aren't true.

Actually, they're mostly true.

They're all true. Yeah, they're pretty much true.

Oh, can I have a little chat with you in the kitchen, honey?

If it's anything like the way you chatted with your mom, you might as well

out here.

Oh, can I help you with your suitcases, Mrs. C?

Oh, Lewis, that's so sweet of you.

But I prefer that you not touch my things.

Okay, well, I guess I buy that the mental institution was because of Mimi.

Now, what about being married to two women at the same time?

You know, I can't go into the details right now, but if I did, you would find

would be so sweet and so romantic.

I'm going to details.

No, no, I don't want to. Look, the important thing is to know that I

made a mistake, and I learned from my mistakes, and what I learned is that I

love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

Touchdown.

What?

Your touch is as soft as down.

invitation. So glad you made it. Yes, they forwarded it to my new address in

Toledo.

What is up with you? Your hair's so puffy and your skin's so tan.

I'm a weatherman.

I'm Scotty McRainshower on Channel 64's Good News Hour. I do the Christian

weather report.

How is Christian weather different from regular weather?

Well, instead of saying it's going to rain tomorrow, I say God's going to make

it rain tomorrow.

Hey, we better go. We have to talk to the caterer. Oh, yeah. Trying to push

vegetarian crap on us.

Want to make sure there's nothing on our plate that didn't feel pain as it died.

Hey, nice to see you again, Mr.

McRain Shower.

You'd like to meet my fiancée, Lily?

Oh, oh, delighted to meet you.

I'm sure Drew will make you a wonderful husband. He certainly did very well by

me.

Excuse me?

Oh, we were married for a year.

the headline here is i'm still friends with my ex

you're on your own

look i've made some mistakes okay but i learned from my mistakes

and what i learned is that i love you and i want to

spend the rest of my life with you you just said that in the kitchen

Think I mean it less because I set it out here in the living room?

Are you doubting my love?

Oh, no, honey, I'm sorry. Can I forgive you?

The only reason that Drew married Mr. Wick was so that he could get his green

card and stay in the country and take weatherman jobs away from real

Okay, Drew, here's your tux. And I know that you wanted the black tie and vest,

but listen, they have this perfect shade of blue that'll really bring out your

eyes.

Speaking of beautiful eyes... No.

Oh, come on.

I'm a good Christian weatherman.

God, no.

Drew, she's a grown woman. She can date whoever she wants to.

Thank you, Lily.

I just don't want her to get hurt.

You know, she's my friend, and I'm looking out for my friend, that's all.

So, shall we stay Friday night about eight o 'clock?

I don't see why not.

Good.

I predict up to six inches overnight.

I hope you're as happy as I've been with Mimi. Thanks.

You know what the best thing about being married is?

Always having your soulmate there to share your problems and your victories.

Oh, no, wait. Sex without condoms. That's it.

Go there without protection.

Had at least done a canary there first. He even died.

What do you think of the stripper I got?

Where'd you find her, anyway?

She's my niece.

Isn't that kind of weird for you?

Weird, awkward, exciting. It's a lot of things.

Drew, we've got a problem.

Oh, hey, Amber. How are you, folks? Oh, good. They've found their love.

Oh.

Hey, Drew.

The flower shop canceled your order when you called off the wedding.

And you didn't call them and tell them that it was back on.

I think we have to make the centerpieces ourselves.

I don't know what to hate about making centerpieces.

But, I don't know, we could take one of these guys and put it with a couple of

these, right?

Maybe some of this. That's nice.

Hey, Tony, what do you think of this?

If you want me to see it, hold it closer to the naked lady.

And this is from Drew's mom.

You ladies don't think it's too shocking. I went a little wild.

So sue me. I want another grandchild.

Will you excuse me? I have to take this.

Hello?

So, Milan, Mimi tells me that she and Drew used to work for you.

Oh, yeah.

That was before our family lost this door and all our money.

Is that why you have to take care of your grandpa?

No, that's why I had to marry this old rich guy.

This old geezer's your husband?

How old is he?

Orville is 88 years old.

Orville? Oh, my God. You married one of the Wright brothers?

What is it? Bad news?

My mom talked to everybody in my family and convinced them not to come to my

wedding. Oh, that's awful.

But turn up, because the person you love the most is going to be right there

beside you.

Who?

Who?

Yes, of course. I'm sorry. I haven't slept much the last few nights.

Oh, well, this is a nice little chat we've had.

Ah, alcohol.

Hey, you know, Mrs. T, may I ask you a question?

Was your cute baby, he won't show me any of his baby pictures, but he was cute,

right? He was beautiful.

He came in second place in a baby pageant.

He would have won, too, if he just could have kept his hand out of his diaper

for ten losses.

It's horrible.

I mean, he'd draw on some glasses and give him a beer and he'd look just like

does now.

And now he's getting married.

Yeah.

You sound like you just died.

the worst bachelor party I've ever been to.

Please excuse me.

Whatever naughty bachelor party games you're playing, will you please stop for

minute? I have to talk to Drew.

I'm sorry you had to see us, Mom.

Hi, I'm Tony, Drew's bus driver.

This is the worst bachelor party I've ever been to.

Please, Drew, I have to talk to you.

In private.

Oh, I've got an idea.

To make the time go faster, let's say we tune in to Antique Roadshow.

They were in Albuquerque this week.

Oh, and we hit rock bottom.

What's going on, Mom?

Oh, Drew, I have to talk to you. Maybe you'd better sit down.

Oh, is everybody okay?

Oh, everybody's fine.

It's just that I don't think your fiancé loves you.

What? But Kelly does.

Kelly. Are you going to be all right, dear?

You know what this lemonade needs?

Vodka. A mother knows.

So, Lily told you that she doesn't love me. Well, not in so many words, but I

could see it in her eyes.

Okay. But Kelly told you that she does love me. Well, once again, not in so

words, but I could see it. in her eyes.

Well, that's good enough for me. I'm calling off the wedding. Oh, I think

for the best.

I'm not calling off the wedding. You can't read sarcasm in my voice, but you

read people's feelings through their eyes.

Is everything okay in here? You sounded kind of worried, Mom. Oh, tell your

brother to trust me. I don't think that Lily loves Drew.

Oh, no. Did she have one of her feelings again? Yeah. Well, don't listen to her.

She tried to talk me out of marrying Mimi the night before our wedding.

Oh, now I don't know who to listen to.

This is exactly what I was talking about in my email, Mother.

Drew, now would it make any difference if you knew for sure that Kelly loves

you? It doesn't matter.

Okay, I'm getting married tomorrow, and that's it.

Sorry to interrupt.

I thought you should know that Oswald is putting carnations in your flower

arrangement.

So? Huh?

It's your wedding.

You know, guys, I'm going to go sit over there. Lily should have at least two

people sitting on her side.

I'd go, but when I'm in church, I don't like to stray too far from the herd.

It's easier for God to pick me up.

Look in the mirror.

You already have.

I was just helping Lily with her dress and she looks gorgeous.

Lily is here. I guess I was wrong.

About what?

Oh, I just had this feeling that maybe she wouldn't show up.

Because she had second thoughts about giving birth to a half -pig, half -human

monstrosity?

No, I just couldn't shake this feeling that Lily didn't love Drew and that she

did.

Hmm. What?

I can't. I promised Kelly I wouldn't tell. Oh?

But if I told you in code, then it wouldn't be my fault if you guessed it.

Okay, here goes.

But Kelly be -loves be -Drew.

Kelly loves Drew!

Kelly loves Drew?

Drew says he loves Kelly, too.

He does.

And she loves him. Why on earth is he marrying Louis?

Because neither one knows how the other one feels.

Want to know how I feel?

I don't give a badam.

Well, I do.

Kelly, you have to listen to me.

I know how you feel about Drew.

And I know... for a fact that Drew feels the same way about you.

He does?

Yes.

But he's marrying Lily only because he doesn't know how you feel, so you have

tell him.

Oh, I can't.

It's too late. It's never too late.

I'm sorry, dear.

What's she going to do? I don't know. It's kind of exciting.

Good afternoon, everybody.

You may be seated.

We are gathered here in God's house to join together Drew and Lily.

Somebody wake up the bus driver. It's about to get interesting.

Oh!

Marriage is a sacred union that should not be entered in too lightly.

If there's anyone here who knows of any reason why these two should not be

joined together, speak now or forever hold your peace.

I'm good.

Stop my program.

Okay.

Drew Allison Carey, do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife

richer? or poor, in sickness and in health, so long as you both shall live?

I do.

To you, Lily Patricia Crawford.

Oh, honey,

I'm so sorry that I doubted you, honey. I'm sure that you and Lily are going to

be very happy.

It's okay. Just bring the car around.

Sorry, Drew. I thought I could do this, but I can't.

I'm sorry.

You know, Kenny, I have a six... sense about these things, and I think you two

are going to be together for a very long time.

Can anyone else smell burnt rubber?

Someone warm like you could make my dreams come

true.

For once in my life, I won't let sorrow hurt me, not like it hurt me

before.

Are you sure you want us to keep doing this, man?

I paid you for six hours. Keep playing.

As long as I know there's love, I know I can make it.

Once in my life, I have someone who needs me.

Once in my life, I have...

Life could be a dream if I could take

you to paradise up above.

And you would tell me that I'm your one and only love.

Life could be a dream, sweetheart.

The fight for a million dollars continues.

And all new The Family is next on ABC.

And now for Scotty McRaincloud's five -day Christian forecast.

Monday, put something warm on under your kilt because it's going to be frightful

cold.

Tuesday, the Lord will give us a fog as thick as haggis.

Wednesday and Thursday, a great storm will rise up like the head of Nessie

coming out of the loch.

Friday, 30 % chance of showers.

5 % chance of the rapture. So, rain or shine, it's in God's hands now. Back to

you, Chuck.