Original subtitles

You think they're ready?

It looks ready. All right. The world's first beer -sicle.

Doesn't look very good. No.

Looks like something your older brother would tell you is a popsicle.

Nope. Here goes nothing.

Well?

to overstate this. Okay.

But it's almost as if all of human history has been building to this one

So it's good?

It's not bad.

Mmm, tasty.

Now, if you could just put nicotine in this and wrap it in a lotto ticket,

everyone in the world would want one.

Don't you know what this means? What? Now, beer can go every place a popsicle

can go.

The mall, the library, a church, the workplace.

That's a good one!

No, Mr. Supervisor, I didn't drive my forklift off the loading dock because I

was drunk. All I had for lunch was six popsicles.

What's that, Doctor? No more beer or my liver will explode? Well, is it all

right if I have a popsicle?

Wow,

Miss Lily, you look like a movie star.

And, Drew, you look like the guy she married before she got famous.

a cousin I'd like to set you up with.

Wow, a southern belle, huh? What's she like? Yeah, she's blonde, she's tall,

she's just finishing up high school.

Wait a minute. Is she really young or really slow?

Really slow.

Okay, have her call me.

Hey, I'm going to go change.

Thanks for taking me to the symphony.

You? You went to the symphony? You?

Yes, me.

I like culture. I like the finer things in life.

The Cleveland Orchestra celebrates the music of classic cartoons.

Yeah, I didn't know this until tonight, but did you know that Kill the Wabbit

was written by Richard Wagner?

Or was it Wagner?

Oh, well, whatever.

So how was it?

Twific.

I can't believe you found a woman who likes cartoon music.

She's really great.

You know, you'd think it'd be weird just living with somebody you only know in a

couple weeks, but...

It's really working out fine.

Yeah, she really is great. She's pretty, she's smart, she's funny. She thinks

I'm a bitter time bomb who's a danger to myself and others. She gets me.

You don't have to sell me on her. You know, as a matter of fact, I think I

decided I'm going to ask her to marry me.

Hey, congratulations,

man. Wow.

You set a date for a wedding without a bride and you actually did it. Yeah.

Hey, let's celebrate, huh? Fiercicles for everybody.

That's what this is? Frozen beer?

Yep.

Do you really see guys in bars doing this?

Some guys.

In some bars.

To keep a job, I gotta fight my way through the bustling mob.

Sounds like a speedy bouncing in my brain while another day goes down the

Yeah, yeah. But there's a five o 'clock world when the whistle blows.

No one owns a piece of my time.

And there's a five o 'clock me inside my clothes.

Thinking that the world looks fine, yeah.

Excuse me? Mr. Delaney.

Mimi Bobet Carey. We met last week. We're trying to get our son into your

school. Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah. Little Gus. I remember.

He's adorable.

Thanks.

You know, it's funny.

Little Gus is still on the waiting list. The neighbor's kid that eats cat

litter. Boom. He's in.

Gus still might get in. There's a couple of spots, and there's a dozen

candidates vying for him. I see.

Hey, Mimi.

Hi.

What is something that might help you make a decision about little gut?

Let me tell you something. People have tried to bribe me with thousands of

dollars, fancy cars, you name it. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I

everything.

Except that.

Got it covered.

Uh, wait a minute. Let's see how you look without your glasses.

Ooh, even more handsome.

Hey, put them back on.

He said yes.

What? Who said yes?

That guy that you were flirting with over there. He's willing to go out with

you.

What are you talking about? I wasn't flirting with him.

Oh, come on. Don't be coy.

Everybody saw you drooling all over him, shaking your ass in his face.

You just put me in a really tough spot.

Because I told my very best friend, Mr. Delaney, that you would go out with him.

You know what? He looks like a very nice guy. It's just I'm not ready to start

dating yet.

Well, I guess you know best.

Quick question.

When you go to the grocery store, do you buy the oldest eggs they got?

No. Neither do men.

Lily to marry me.

Really? Wow, dude, that was fast.

I know. That's why I want some advice on how to do it.

Okay, yeah. I'm your girl.

Can you just excuse me for a second?

All right.

Hi, Mr. Delaney. I'm Kelly.

I would love to go out with you. Why don't we meet here 8 o 'clock on Sunday

night? Great. I look forward to it.

Yeah.

See? I deliver.

But you need to know she's a good friend of mine and a really nice girl, so you

get a couple of beers and a shot of tequila in her.

Well, so, um, Drew, you're really going to do it, huh? You're going to pop the

question. Yeah, what do you think?

Well, um, does she make you happy?

Yeah, really happy.

Well, I think it's great, then.

Yeah, you know, when I'm around her, I feel so joyous and happy. It's like this

high, you know?

Same kind of high you get from exercising, they say.

Well, I have to admit, when I see the two of you together, you seem so much in

love. Well, that's because we accept each other for who we are.

Or, you know, who we pretend we are, because let's face it, we've only known

each other a couple weeks.

You know, if you laugh along, we'd move on to something else.

But you're still not being yourself?

Well... Come on, everybody's on their best behavior when they first start

dating. Yeah, but then, Drew, after a couple of months, you relax and show

who you really are and then see if you're really in love.

Right. Right, but if she finds out that she doesn't love you, you'll already be

married.

Right.

Oh, come on.

What are the odds she isn't going to love this face?

You know, if you laugh along, we can move on to something else.

The way I see it, is you have two choices to make. You can either show her

real you before you get married or never show her the real you.

Yeah, you're right.

I am tired of being Mr. Perfect all the time.

Always eating dinner off the good plates with my pants on.

It's like dining with the queen every single night.

No pants, huh?

That's bad, isn't it?

Oh, my God. She's going to find out the real me and hate me. No, that's probably

not going to happen. But isn't it better to find out now?

Yeah, you're right. But it's not going to be easy.

I'm never even taking my shoes off in front of her.

But you guys do have sex.

Yeah, I know.

Hey. Morning.

Sorry about my breath.

Sunday mornings, I'm kind of a slob.

They don't like a man to smell like a man. Tell New.

They don't like a man to smell like soap and toothpaste.

Why don't you sit down? I'll get you some breakfast.

All right. Actually, I kind of want to eat breakfast in the living room while I

watch ESPN with my shoes off.

That's great.

I'd like to see how my brains did last night.

You like baseball?

Love sports.

Wow. Hey, can you get the peanut butter? I want to put it between my toes. Let

my dog lick it off.

It's just Sunday, too, you know.

Drew,

what's this?

Uh -oh. I accidentally left all my adult -themed material out on the table.

I hope that doesn't offend you.

Well, not exactly my cup of tea, but if you like it, I'm certainly not going to

stop you.

Wow. You're the most amazing woman I've ever met. I feel so comfortable around

you. Me, too, sweetie.

Back where I'm from, we call that a tree bender.

You mean you didn't mind that?

I love you, Lily.

I love you, too, Drew.

Lily?

Will you marry me?

Oh, Drew, you are so sweet. I'm sorry, but no.

Oh.

Okay.

Oh.

I thought the big fart was awkward.

Kelly, call me Gail.

Oh, okay.

Gail?

I've been a headmaster now for, what, ten years? I love kids.

I enjoy shaping their values.

Kelly? Oh, wait.

Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew. Come here, come here.

So what did Lily say when you proposed to her?

No.

Uh, you were saying something like, uh, headmaster 10 years, loves kids.

Right, I mean, I know it sounds cliche, but, uh, children really are the future.

Yeah, excuse me.

Drew? What do you mean she said no? How in the world could she turn you down?

Uh, I just don't think it was romantic enough.

Why, what'd you do?

I showed her my porn, I cut in line, I got down on my knee and I asked her to

marry me.

Oh, so you, you popped the big one, then you popped the big one.

Get all teary -eyed?

I was trying to show her the real me.

So, she just said, no, I won't marry you, nothing else?

Yeah, she said something else about moving too fast, but I think it was more

presentation. Well, what are you going to do now? Your deadline's coming up.

This is your dream.

I know. I don't know what to do. I love her. She loves me. I think we figure out

some way to make this work.

If you love her that much, you're going to have to propose again. And this time

you know what not to do.

By process of elimination.

Seriously, Joe, you're going to have to get flowers, a limo, a nice restaurant,

you know? It's going to be expensive, but if you want to do it right, because

it's how you do it.

Too bad you didn't go over that porn and gas thing.

You would have been a hero to men everywhere.

Look, I'm going to have to do better than dinner and flowers with Lily. She's

not like other women, you know? She's different. She's special.

Yeah, I got one in my back pocket I've been saving.

What you do is... You go into a pet store and find the cutest puppy there,

You tie a ring to its collar, huh? Then you tell her, I poisoned a puppy, marry

me, and it gets the antidote.

Did I mention this all takes place at a French restaurant?

What the hell are you doing?

What?

Mr. Delaney got so disgusted he just walked out.

Now, my kid's never going to get in Euclid Academy.

Your kid?

What the hell are you talking about?

Yeah, my son's future's at stake here, so hike up the twins and get out in the

parking lot and see if you can catch him.

You're pipping me out so your kid can get into school.

God, can you believe this, Drew?

Well, he's my nephew. It's a very good school. Do you mind?

Oh, stay my... Yeah, I'm going to go get some popcorn. No, wait, wait. Don't go.

Why not?

I don't believe in saving seats. You know, you leave it and you lose it.

Oh, goodness.

You have a strong code of ethics.

Yeah, well, every time I see a sweater on a seat, it just sickens me.

Hi, how you doing?

I know what you're thinking.

Boy, that Vin Diesel really let himself go.

Hey,

don't worry. The Vin Diesel movie is starting in a second.

But first, I want to talk to somebody very important to me in the audience.

name is Lily. She's probably sitting right there. Hi, Lily. It's me, Drew.

And there's something important I want to tell her. And I want everybody in the

audience to help me out by singing along with my friends Oswald and Louis here.

Lily, I love you so.

I always will.

And in your voice I hear.

The choir of carousels, carousels But am I ever

gonna hear Those wedding bells, wedding bells Come on and bury

me

Now, I just have something very important I have to ask Lily, so if you

turn the lights on now, I'd really appreciate it.

Lily?

Will you marry me?

Of course, Jimmy.

I could sit here and watch a movie after all this. Yeah, let's go out and

celebrate.

Where's the headboard, Doc?

Thank you, I'll try.

Honey, one quick question about the proposal.

What the hell were you thinking?

What are you talking about? You just said yes.

Yes, what am I supposed to say when you put me on the spot in front of all those

people?

What do you mean the answer is no? Yes.

You mean it's yeah? No.

But why not?

It just doesn't feel right.

Yeah, but I don't get it. We're great for each other. Yeah, but, you know, I

just can't shake this feeling that you're trying to meet a deadline, and I

happen to come along at the right time, and now you don't have to change your

plans or lose your deposit.

That's not true. I just made 100 Vin Diesel fans sing a very effeminate song

you.

I could have got my ass kicked. I still might.

Drew, can you honestly... tell me that if there was no deadline, you'd be

proposing to me so quickly?

Yeah. Yes, I would.

I wish I could believe you.

Uh, forgot I hired that guy. Come on, let's go to the back.

Hey.

Been gone.

if I stay here.

I want to keep seeing you, but I think I should get my own place.

Okay, before you go, I'd like to ask you a question.

You've got to be kidding me.

Lily, will you not marry me in a week?

What? I'm unproposing to you.

Can't follow my wedding plan.

Will you not marry me at the Ritz?

Okay.

You not enjoy the beautiful bouquet and centerpieces from Cleveland Discount

Florist? I won't.

Will you not dance with me at the reception of the swinging sounds of the

Johnson Quartet? No, a thousand times no.

Oh, Drew, I don't believe it.

You give up on your deadline, all that money just for me?

That's just it.

I won't marry you.

That's how much I love you.

Oh, Drew.

At least until you're ready.

You know, I don't want to lose you, and I don't care how long it takes.

You are the sweetest man I've ever met.

Let's get married.

Really?

Well, see, you tear up all that stuff. Now I know it's for real. Why wait?

Are you serious?

Yeah. Oh, well.

You know, could you tell me about... $4 ,000 in deposits if he would have just

believed me. But hey, we're getting married, so what the heck?

Now, where's that ring? I love that ring.

I sold it back to the jewelry store. They gave me $1 ,000 for it.

And you're right in assuming that that's much less than I paid.

I'm sorry, Drew. Don't worry. I don't need a big diamond ring or fancy

to make me happy.

Wow.

You don't like fancy things. You don't mind farts.

No, you're kind of disgusting.

I'll come out upstairs. I want to take off my shoes, show you what you've been

missing.

The fight for a million dollars continues. And all new The Family is

ABC. Baker.

Take two.

Four cameras, common mark.

Please wait till the scene starts.

Mom, sorry.

Baker, take three.

Four cameras, common mark.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Sorry.

That was a bad one, man.

Is there props?

Baker,

take 15. Four cameras, common mark.

Oh, come on. What is this, a contest?

Take 17 for cameras common mark

Okay now I can't do one