Original subtitles

Well, this is it.

I know it's not a big southern mansion, but believe it or not, this is the

oldest house on the block.

Aw. Yep.

This used to be a model home.

Well, I think it's charming and sweet, like you.

Oh.

Aw.

Well, I'll take your bags upstairs, Miss Lily. I assume after your long journey

from New Orleans, you two will be wanting sex.

Well, thank you, Oswald.

You're very special.

We have one of him in my neighborhood, so I'm comfortable around him.

I'm still feeling a little guilty about leaving Lewis in New Orleans. Maybe we

should have waited a couple days till he got out of jail.

No, let him take the bus.

Warn him about getting an alligator drunk. Let him serve his time in jail.

Okay, who's up for dinner? Oh, please, I'm famished. You know what? Why don't

you go up with Oswald and unpack your stuff, and I'll make you some of Drew

Carey's famous hard -boiled egg and beer.

Oh, you're going to love this.

He puts all the ingredients in a blender and serves it like a smoothie.

He got the recipe from an alcoholic chicken farmer.

See, I got eggs, beer.

Man, I hope I remember how to make this.

So, what do you think of Lily?

Oh, you mean your little souvenir from our New Orleans trip? Yeah, she seems

very nice.

Wow. What the hell is that supposed to mean?

I'm just saying, Drew, you barely know this woman, and she's moving into your

house. Yeah, well, you know what? I've been overthinking things my whole life.

Now I'm going by the seat of my pants. I'm going with my gut. I'm flying with

the force.

Well, that's good. See, I was afraid you weren't being mature about this, but I

feel much better now that you compared yourself to Luke Skywalker.

Hey, you know I had a deadline to get married. What are you getting so worked

for? Oh, yeah, like I'm getting all worked up, Drew Carey, because I've got

hot... for you. Is that what you're getting at?

Uh, no.

Oh, yeah.

Well, look who's getting all worked up now, huh?

Drew, all I am saying is most people, they know each other for a couple of

months before they move in together, not a couple of days.

So I don't know her that well. I'll get to know her as time goes on. It'll be

fun.

Every day's a new adventure.

Thank you.

Morning, honey.

Morning. What you making?

Fried egg and toast.

Oh, could I get that in a blender with a little beer in it?

Wow, you're great. You're always depriving me.

Like last night when you were screaming bloody murder in your sleep.

No.

Did that again?

Really thought I had that screaming under control.

I have a dog whose tail went white overnight and begged a dipper.

So,

What's the deal with that?

Well, usually it's my body sending me a message.

Like I'm sick or I'm stressed out or I've done something I regret.

Oh.

Oh, Drew, it was my first night in a new place.

I'm sure it's not you.

Trust me, I'm glad I'm here.

Thanks.

Hey, maybe later on I'll show her around outside.

Yeah, I got a brewery in the garage.

A brewery?

Yeah. You're with a guy who likes beer so much, he bruises himself.

I know what you're thinking.

Jackpot.

You can't sneak up on somebody like that.

Well, don't yell at me. I didn't do anything wrong. Normal people just turn

around when you tap them on the shoulder.

Stop!

You can't approach her from upwind. They have ten times the sense of smell that

humans have.

I'm a little jumpy because Lily's still screaming.

Wow, man, that's three nights in a row. Are you going to talk to her about it? I

can't. If I tell her she's still screaming, she's going to freak out and

back to New Orleans.

Well, Drew, if there is something wrong, you can tell me about it.

I can't give you any useful advice, but I can look concerned.

Stop it.

I'm just losing a little sleep.

But she's screaming like I put her in the pit from Silence of the Lambs.

I see.

You know, I have a supervisor who's always yakking in my ears about

safety procedures.

I solved the problem with these.

Earplugs? Yep. Now I just look at his mouth move and pretend he's saying, good

job, Oswald.

Hey, Mimi, you ever wear earplugs when you go to sleep?

Why would I wear earplugs?

For when Steve rolls over at night and sees your scaly back glistening in the

moonlight and howls in terror.

Yeah, look in your pants. You'll see something that'll make you howl.

So you want to do your plugs?

No, I'm just going to have to tell her the truth and hope she doesn't freak out

on me.

Well, my dad always said honesty is the best policy.

How'd you do that anyway? Is he still in prison?

Yep, he just got ten years added to his sentence for stabbing the warden with a

comb.

It was supposed to be 15, but they went easy on him, and you know why?

Because he told the truth.

No, the warden tried to rape him.

Hey, Drew, you want to make a little overtime tonight?

Uh, can you get somebody else this time? I have a girlfriend just moved in with

me. I want to spend some time with her.

Drew, if you don't want to do it, just tell us.

You don't have to make up some outlandish story.

No, no, really, I really have a girlfriend living with me.

Well, I'm happy for you, Drew.

even though I'm in a totally different place right now.

He became voluntarily celibate three months ago so he could learn more about

himself.

And it's been an incredibly positive experience.

Although I am a little testy. I punched a guy in the elevator.

I didn't like his hat.

So how long have you been seeing this girl, Drew?

Only a couple days. I really like to get home early nights so we can talk.

Well, good for you, Drew, because like our family therapist says, if you don't

discuss things, they just fester.

Like our sharing of the housework discussion.

That's right.

See, we sat down and we talked about it, and now when I use a pot, I don't just

fill it with water and let it soak.

Because that's not cleaning it.

See, you expressed that to me several times already, Scott.

Well, I had to, Evan. You couldn't hear me because you were too busy listening

to your aura.

You fake Buddhist hippie. I am not fake.

No one is more Zen than me, and you're about to get an authentic Buddhist ass

-kicking.

That's being funny.

beat the crap out of me last night.

Oh, my God. You guys are fighting?

No, no. It was an accident. It's not her fault. She's a good woman.

You pack your bags, Drew Carey. We're going to take you to a safe place where

they hide women... men like you.

No, you don't get it. She does it in her sleep.

Look, I've been researching it on the Internet.

They don't even know they're doing it.

Oh, what a great idea. I have to remember this the next time I get

You just don't spread it around.

I don't want to see it in any of your secret woman's newsletters, which I

prove exist, but I know they're out there.

Hey, Kelly.

Hey, Drew, I got your makeup.

Ah,

I thought I'd do the trick, huh? Yeah, good.

I asked the girl at the makeup counter for the best stuff to cover up bruises.

I think she liked me, too, because she followed me out to the parking lot and

wrote down my license plate number.

It's just to cover the bruises so Lily doesn't get suspicious. Hey.

I believe there was a free gift with purchase.

Oh, yeah.

I forgot.

Here's your eye lift revitalizing cream.

Thank you.

You know, Drew, you can't keep ignoring this problem.

She could break your nose or something.

Oh, yeah. I was worried about that, too.

That's why I picked these up for you.

When you go to sleep, comfort of the bed, no more bruises.

Tell you what I'm going to do. All right.

I'm going to see if I can think of a stupider idea than your idea.

And if I can't, then I'll consider your stupid idea.

That's all I can ask.

This is interesting.

What's that? Look, it says here that punching in your sleep is often caused

built -up resentment.

Well, that's crazy. Why would Lily resent me?

Because she's totally given up control of her life, Drew.

She's left her job, her friends, everything for you.

What have you given up for her?

I've given up time with my dog, long walks with my dog, sleeping with my dog.

If anybody should be beating the crap out of me at night, it should be my dog.

All right, what should I do?

Well, you can start by giving her some control over her life. You know, let her

make some decisions around here.

Good. I'm tired of making all the big decisions.

What big decisions? Shut up.

Morning, y 'all.

Morning. Hey.

Morning, honey.

How you doing?

Goodness gracious, what happened to your face?

Oh, I fell down jogging, walking, drinking.

You poor thing. You want me to get you some ice for that?

Yeah, you know what? I'm way over my head here.

Why don't you be in charge of the ice decisions from now on?

I'll just get you some ice. Good for you.

You're in charge of the ice here, okay? You're the boss. Boss of the ice.

You're the new vice president of ice.

Hey, I thought I was vice president of ice.

Oh, my God.

What kind of sick stuff are you into?

Excuse me.

Do you know where Drew Carey is?

Pig's in a meeting. He'll be back in five minutes.

Good.

Oh, you must be Mimi, his sister -in -law. I'm Lily. So nice to meet you.

Oh, he really hates you.

Really? He still hates me?

Oh, yeah, more now than the day he met you.

Well, would it kill him to tell me that once in a while?

Mimi, you obviously know Drew very well.

Do you think it would be fair to say, how do I put this, that he likes to be

hurt?

Yeah, sure seems like it. World keeps kicking him in the nads and the big

won't put on a cup.

He's a glutton for punishment.

Human, whipping post, town punching bag.

Anyway, congratulations on your catch. You snagged an old boot.

Boy, I was afraid of this.

Afraid of what?

I think Drew's into S &M.

Well, if by S &M you mean that he's into sadness and masturbation, then yeah.

and bloody with handcuffs.

Break up with him. He's a sicko.

But if you decide to stick it out, there's a store downtown called Marquis

Suede. Tell them Mimi sent you. They'll give you 10 % off.

Hey, honey.

Sorry I'm running late.

Due to her report, the bosses really slapped me around.

You said still trembling with joy.

That's the best you got.

Come on, Mimi, bring the pain.

Hey, I'll be right with you. I'll just flip through this thing and we'll go to

lunch. Oh, honey, can we talk for a minute first?

Sure, anything you want. Like I told you, from now on, you're the boss.

You're the master, I'm the servant.

Yeah, about that.

Listen, we've only known each other a week, and it's just so much we don't

about each other.

I think if one of us is into something the other one should know about, we

should just let it out.

All right, you go first.

Okay.

Well, I think you should know that I'm into candles, incense, kind of a Stevie

Nicks, sexy witch kind of thing in the bedroom.

Hey, man, whatever games you've got to play to have sex with me, you go right

ahead and play them.

Okay, now how about you? Anything you want to tell me?

Anything? Anything.

Well, I'll tell you what I'm into.

I'm into making you happy.

I figured that. I want to make you happy, too.

But I want to make you happy more.

I want to make you so happy it hurts.

That's what I've been hearing.

Honey,

I'm home.

Hey, I thought we'd go bowling tonight. There's a nice little...

Orleans, I usually wear just khakis and a loose shirt.

Who's that you could talk, dirty man?

Ow.

Naughty boy.

Yeah, I'm a naughty boy. I wish I'd... Ow!

Good. Lay down on your knees.

Wow. No idea you're into this stuff.

Oh, well, I'm into it.

Forgive me.

Lick my boots, you filthy maggot.

Do you mind if I put just a little antibacterials? Do it!

All right.

Are you sure this is what you want?

Yes, slave.

But only because it's what you want.

But I only do it to make you happy.

Well, I'm only doing this to make you happy. Yeah, but I'm not into licking

gross boot.

If we're not into this, why are we doing this to each other?

I thought you were into this. You've been coming home at night bruised with

handcuffs with some ridiculous story about falling down drunk.

Okay, let me tell you the truth.

You just don't scream in your sleep, okay? You punch, you kick, and you bite.

And I always wanted to die in my sleep, but not like this.

to lose you. I thought, you know, you'd be taking it as a sign that you made a

mistake by moving in with me.

Well, I have to admit, I was a little nervous about rushing into things.

But if you're the kind of guy that put up with a week of beatings for me, then

think we got something really good here.

Look what you did for me. You whipped me and tried to make me lick your boots.

lot worse because I really care about you, Drew.

Oh, Lily.

Oh, oh, oh, Winnie Boo.

Well, we're going to go bowling. I guess that should change.

Yeah.

Bowling.

Boy,

it seems like a million years ago I was interested in bowling.

Thurston, I could use a cold, icy glass of water.

Allow me.

Drew put me back in charge of the ice.

There we are.

Oh,

don't touch.

Hey, do you have a lemon for this?

I'm sorry, Lewis is in charge of lemon.