Original subtitles

Well, I had a real nice time tonight.

Yeah, I had a real nice time, too.

Real nice.

I never want to go out with you again.

Yeah, I'm cool with that.

I think this might have been my worst first date ever.

Yeah, you know, from the way you delivered my mail, I had no idea you

a mean, violent racist.

Well, sorry I'm so cranky. Maybe it's because I have a backache from hauling

your porn.

Have a nice life, sicko. Hey, hey, if pornography is sick, then how come it's

delivered to me by the government of the United States of America?

Ben!

Mail lady didn't work out, huh?

And you only got how many weeks to find a wife? Three.

Well, maybe you should try your garbage lady. She's used to being seen around

town with sacks of crap.

She's engaged.

Hey, man, how'd it go with the mail lady?

Terrible. I don't know where else to look.

Don't worry, Drew. I think you'll be getting some calls from a lot of single

women real soon.

What'd you do?

We found a dignified way for you to meet eligible women.

What'd you do?

We put your name, picture, and phone number on 3 ,000 buzz beer bottles.

I want you to be my wife. I'm Drew Carey. Honest, reliable, generous, 8 %

alcohol by volume.

That sounds about right.

goes down the drain.

Can't wait to get home.

I can't believe they used this picture of Drew.

I mean, he's got way prettier eyes than this.

You're still hot for the pig?

Mimi, I don't know what to do.

I'm not ready to get married, but I don't want to give him up either.

That sounds selfish, doesn't it?

Here's what you got to do.

Sleep with him.

What? Won't that just complicate things?

Oh, it won't be easy at first.

There'll be five, six days of retching.

Then, of course, you're going to have to dabble in lesbianism.

But after a suicide attempt, you'll be ready to move on.

Hey. You bastard.

What? I'm sitting in my bathtub last night, rocking out to Skinner, pounding

down a few beers, when suddenly I realize my...

are around your freaking head.

Oh, my God. I mean, my picture saw you naked?

You know, it looks like condensation, but it's really tears.

So, Drew, have you met any potential beer brides yet?

No, but now I know how Jerry Springer gets all his guests.

Here you are.

May I help you?

I saw your picture on the bottle, and I just thought we would be the perfect

couple.

I know this looks a little odd. I just wanted you to see what a beautiful bride

I would be.

Okay, would you mind lifting your veil, please?

No. You can see it after we're married.

I'm sorry. I'm looking for someone a little taller who doesn't refer to her

as it.

Um, pardon me, but how did you find him here?

I figured I'd check the neighborhood bars. I stopped by his house first, but

was too crowded.

Drew, my God.

Don't waste your time. It's just a bunch of crazies.

Okay, we've got a lot of potential Mrs.

Careys here, and obviously he can only marry one of you.

Now, Mr. Carey is a very discriminating man, so don't feel bad if you don't make

the cut.

Thank you, Lewis.

All right, ladies.

Does anyone here think oral sex is disgusting?

No one will give it to me. I've decided I'm against it.

It's him!

I made you a pie.

Wow.

Homemade pie from a desperate stranger.

I'm sure it's perfectly safe. I'll have a slice of the plater.

Can I talk to you guys for a minute, please?

Okay, ladies, we'll be back in a minute. If any of you want to earn extra

credit, there's a lawnmower in the garage.

What the hell are all these women doing in my house?

What did you want us to do? We've got a wedding in three weeks and we haven't

got a bride.

Look, I think what Lewis is saying is we'd like to see you settle down so we

could finally do some traveling.

Look, putting my picture on these beer bottles was a bad idea.

You want me to end up with some desperate booze hound with no wife?

I bring to the marriage.

Aren't you going to get it?

Not now. I'm entertaining nutjobs.

Hey, it's Drew. Please leave a very short message at the tone.

Hi, Drew.

I'm not calling because I want to get married.

I just thought you'd like to know that one of your bottles made all the way

here to New Orleans.

Isn't that a kick?

She doesn't sound like a nutjob.

I'm not a midget.

No, that was my friend's idea. They put my picture on the thing. Hey, what's

your name?

Lily. That's a beautiful name. I always thought she was the prettiest Munster.

Munster's a TV show. Anyway, can you hold on one second?

Can you get rid of all these in here?

One of them's still mowing the lawn. You want me to get rid of her, too?

Let her finish the edging, give her 20 bucks, and tell her we're from different

worlds it could never be.

Hey, so tell me about yourself.

Who, me?

Well, it's kind of embarrassing. My first time was with my high school music

teacher.

Yeah, I mean, it was a little awkward, but the metronome helped.

Oh, hey, listen, the sun's coming up.

Yeah. We've been up all night.

Okay.

Yeah, it was great talking to you, too. Hey, listen, if I'm ever down in New

Orleans, I'll look you up.

All right.

All right, take care.

Bye.

Hey, wake up. What's happening?

Road trip. Going to New Orleans. All righty.

I'm glad you guys called me to go out to breakfast.

This is fun.

We're getting kind of far out.

Where are we going anyway?

New Orleans.

Oh, is that that little Cajun place in the mall?

No, it's the big Cajun place in the Gulf of Mexico.

Oh, that's why you wanted to use my car, right? So you wouldn't put the miles on

your own car.

It's your point of view.

Yeah, well, it's important to me to have a second pair of underwear on a cross

-country trip.

Some girl down there found one of my bottles.

She called me. We talked all night. And now I just have to see her.

Are you kidding?

You're telling me that you fell in love with someone over the phone?

That's ridiculous.

Well, I for one think it's very romantic.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah? What if she's some crazy, huh, who hits Drew over the head? and takes his

organs and dumps his body in the swamp. She doesn't want my organs.

I know one organ she might want.

Yet another triumph.

Yeah. I do hope we'll be hanging our asses out the window next.

Look, Lily and I talk like we've known each other forever. You know how it is

with somebody you've known your whole life.

You know each other so well you can finish each other's lunch.

really a connection you have with this woman, or are you just desperate to get

married? It's not the wedding deadline.

It's Louie.

Okay, okay.

I guess I've always wanted to go to New Orleans.

Thank you.

You know, I've heard in New Orleans it's legal for you to buy booze and just

walk around the streets drinking it.

Booze with you wherever you go.

Imagine that.

said she gave tourists some closing time. Maybe she's still here.

Wow, this place is incredible.

Just imagine.

People sat on this couch during the Civil War.

They put up this painting during the Civil War.

They adjusted the digital thermostat during the Civil War.

And during the Civil War, Oswald's great -grandfather was making love to his own

sister.

given to the state by the Devereaux family in 1910, and declared a National

Historic Site in 1913.

Does anybody have any questions?

Uh, yeah, I got one.

Am I as cute in person as I am on the beer bottle?

Okay, back to Cleveland.

Don't, don't, don't, wait.

Wait a minute.

Well, that concludes our tour.

In 15 minutes on the South Lawn, we will have a reenactment of the execution of

a Union spy.

He's one of ours. We ought to rescue him. No, no, no, no.

You can't mess with history. We might never be born.

I'm sorry. I looked so surprised. I just didn't expect to see you so soon. Yeah,

well, you know, you said you like spontaneous people. No, I'm glad you're

So, you're Drew Carey?

Yeah.

Sorry about the way I look. I've been in the car all day.

Before that, I would sit on the couch for 30 years.

I'm not one to judge. This isn't a hoop skirt. This is all me.

Hey, I want you to meet my friends. This is Oswald, Lewis, and Kelly.

Oh. Madam, in the words of a great southerner, you look finger -licking

for my friend. All he knows of the world is what he's learned from fast food.

Well, we'll leave you two alone. By the way, we've known Drew a long time and

you can't do any better. And if it helps close the deal, we come with the

package.

So, Lily, tour guide, huh?

That's an interesting job for someone who's 35, 40.

I'm 32.

And this is temporary.

I'm a software engineer, but the company I worked for last year went under.

Oh, I'm sorry.

This isn't exactly my dream job, but it does have some nice perks.

They let me live here.

And once a day, I volunteer to be deflowered by a union general so they

burn down the house.

That's a historical reenactment, right? So far.

I see one. So, I guess Lily should be going, huh?

No, I'm kidding.

It's me.

It's me.

I know it's me.

Well, I had a bottle, so I don't know what you look like.

Do I look like what you imagined?

Uh, well, to tell you the truth, your personality was so great on the phone, I

was expecting someone really hideous.

And did I meet your expectations?

I'm sorry, but no.

I can't believe you came all this way to see me.

Yeah, I mean, I never talked to somebody on the phone that long. Do you do that

a lot?

No, never.

Well, it certainly is a beautiful house. I'm sorry I missed the tour.

Well, maybe later I could give you a private tour.

Well, it looks like I've seen just about everything.

I just want you to know, I've never done anything like this before.

Well, you should. You could charge a lot more for the tour.

Oh, this is so nice. I just don't want it to end.

How long can you stay?

Oh, well, you know, I've got to be back at work on Monday, so... Well, when can

I see you again?

I don't know. Maybe next weekend, weekend after that. It's just, you know,

too expensive to go back and forth all the time.

Hey, maybe come to Cleveland sometime and, you know, stay at my place. See how

people lived 50 years ago.

I have to work six days a week. I just don't see how I could.

I really want to believe that this is more than just a fling. It just feels

wrong to be talking about a weekend here, a weekend there.

I know, but what are we going to do?

You could always take some time off work and come stay with me.

What do you mean, like move in?

Am I moving too fast for you?

You're the one that put I want to get married on a beer bottle and floated it

down the Mississippi.

I mean, yeah, why not? I mean, we got a lot in common. We get along really

great.

Yeah.

Yeah, let's do it.

Wow.

I can't wait to tell my friends I'm moving in with Willie.

Well, look who's finally back from his private tour.

Yeah, how did it go?

Great, I'm moving in with her.

What? Are you crazy? After one day?

Yeah, I know, I'm freaking out.

I threw up on the way over here. I mean, I was on Bourbon Street and everybody

was throwing up, but I was the only one that was sober.

Drew, if you don't want to move in with her, just tell her.

What? And ruin my last chance at ha... Happiness?

Trust your instincts. If something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't.

Yeah, yeah, you're probably right, but ever since I got here, it's going so

well. It's been so easy.

So easy, huh?

Maybe you finally got the rock to the top of the hill, you big idiot.

I don't know what to do.

Just don't do anything you'll regret.

Well, I gotta think.

Get some fresh air.

Now?

Because we're gonna go out and get hammered on hurricanes to go to some

clubs.

Well, I can do two things at once.

Hey, Lily.

Oh, hi, honey.

Why, who's this Yankee that speaks so familiar with our foul Lily?

Why don't you can it, kid? I'm not in the mood, all right?

Kid? What? Not now, Billy. I'll have you know I'm a colonel in the Army of the

Confederacy, and I will not be addressed with such impertinence.

There. The North wins again. Two for two.

You seem tense.

Is everything okay?

No, not really. Listen, I...

I think I made a mistake. There's no way I can just pack everything up and move

away from Cleveland. I'm really sorry.

Oh.

Well.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Yeah, I mean, you're so great. I just wish you lived closer to Cleveland.

You mean that?

Yeah, of course I do.

Well, maybe I should move to Cleveland.

Relax, Drew.

That's just calling you bluff.

I think I know what's going on here.

I think you're afraid of being happy.

No, I'm afraid of dying.

I'm afraid there's no afterlife.

I'm afraid of being called up on stage to help a magician.

But happiness, I'm not afraid of.

I don't buy it.

I think you're so used to disappointment in life. It's just easier to stick with

what you know.

Goodbye, Drew.

I hope you find what you're looking for.

Good morning, and welcome to the Devereaux house.

It was built by William Devereaux in 1839.

The Devereaux family made their fortune in rice, cotton, and sugar cane.

They began to export it to Europe in 1842. What are you doing?

I'm showing you who's afraid of happiness. Well, where are we going?

I'm taking you to Cleveland, Miss Lily.

Shining jewel on the majestic Cuyahoga.

Laughter.

I'm not the same man that left you.

I've seen the horrors of Antietam and Gettysburg.