All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show s08e22 A Means To An End

A couple of beers and keep them coming.

Aw, what's the matter, guys?

Bastard Drew gave away the mugs we made
him for Christmas last year. How do you

know? Saw him at the Salvation Army
while we were looking for a three of

for our deck of cards.

Made those mugs by hand and he just gave
them away.

By the time I see that jerk, I ought to
punch him right in the face.

Get in line.

Hey. Hey, buddy, how you doing?

I mean, my wrist hurts a little bit. I
think I'm seeing a doctor tomorrow.

Probably carpal tunnel. Hey, you know
what my doctor said? Try holding the bra

heads in the right hand every once in a
while.

Are you guys drunk?

We're awake, aren't we?

I'm gonna hit the can.

Hey, don't do anything I wouldn't do.

You sack of crap.

Get in line.

If you're still upset with Drew, why
don't you just talk to him? You could

something like, Drew, you hurt our
feelings because we put our heart and

into those mugs.

You know, men don't talk, Kelly. We do.

That's why we run the world.

And that seems to be working out because
last time I checked, the world was

doing just fine.

We might as well move so we can watch
the game with us. Uh, yeah.

Uh, Drew, would you mind just having a
seat for a second?

What's going on?

Okay, well, I probably shouldn't tell
you this, but the guy saw the Christmas

mugs at the Salvation Army, and they're
really upset. Oh, my God, no, they must

be crushed.

Oh, well, I can do about now. Well,
Drew, come on, you can call them. You

say something like, uh...

Guys, I did something that I shouldn't
have done. Let's try to figure out what

can do to make you feel better.

Let me check.

Nope, still got a penis.

I do not believe you guys. You know,
this isn't going to go away until they

it out of their system.

Oh, my God.

Well, looks like it's out of their
system.

So, is it over now?

No, no, it's not over.

It's going to take me forever to get
this furniture back upstairs.

And you have been complaining about
those stairs.

Sorry. Do you want me to help you move
the furniture back up?

Let's give it a week.

Thank you.

Hey, Drew Carey, I have a two o 'clock.
Dr. Newell, he's supposed to look at my

wrist. Oh, I'm sorry, didn't they tell
you? We haven't had a chance to tell all

our patients.

Dr. Newell retired.

Oh, no way.

Wow.

You know, I've been coming here since I
was 12 years old.

Yeah, he even taught me the facts of
life on a skeleton in his office.

Skeleton's not still here, is it?

Yes, and Dr. Newell's daughter took over
his practice.

Oh, uh, well, you know, no offense, but
I think I'm gonna do a little research

first before I pick out a doctor. Maybe
go on the Internet, talk to some of her

patients. Hello, I'm Dr. Newell.

Hi, I'm Dwu, my whistler.

Hey. Hey. You ever go with one of your
doctors?

Oh, uh, no, no.

I did date someone who called himself
Dr. Love, but... That turned out to be

more of an honorary degree.

I've seen it going on with my doctor.
She's really sweet and bright twinkle

I told her that I had no erectile
dysfunction.

I don't know, Drew. You want to date
your doctor? Isn't it kind of weird?

I have to get married in six weeks.

Oh, yeah. I forgot about that. You have
a whole different scale of weird. Yeah.

Go for it.

Yeah. Imagine me, Drew Carey, married to
a doctor.

Hey, Drew, my break's starting. Mind if
I just hang on? No, no, no. Sit there.

That's wet paint.

What? Yeah, I painted the chairs while
those little losers sit in it, so I'll

get back at them.

What, are you ten years old? Why don't
you just say, guys, you went too far.

hurt, and this can all end.

Yeah, but who wins?

Who loses?

Who points their fingers and laughs?

Sorry, Kelly, but your way has too many
loose ends.

Okay, wait.

I don't want to be here when it happens.
Here, take a picture for me. And here's

a picture of me laughing. Show it to him
at the appropriate time.

Hey, how did your doctor's appointment
go?

Oh, I got to wear a thing on my wrist
while I type for the next couple of

but it'll do until I get a full
physical.

You're getting a full physical?

Oh, yeah.

I was putting it off until I got a
doctor who was really hot.

Anyway, I left some chips on the table
for you.

Oh, hey, thanks.

Sure. That's nice of you. Hey.

Hey. I like chips.

Oh. Wait a minute!

Drew's mad at us. He might have put
something on those chips.

Whoa.

Thanks for watching my back, man.

Whoa!

Look who just walked in.

Twins. They're a good kind of freak.

Hi there. Hi.

I'm Lewis.

This is Oswald.

I'm Sandy, and this is Mandy.

Oh. Did you guys just come from the gym?

No, we're yoga instructors.

Oh, what a coincidence.

We enjoy watching yoga classes through
binoculars.

Yeah, they're laughing with us.

Would you care to join us for a beer?

What do you think, Mandy?

Sounds good to me, Mandy.

Right this way, ladies.

Such gentlemen.

Where are you two from? Minnesota.

Oh. So you're the Minnesota twins.

Why does everybody keep saying that?

This is my favorite song.

Would you genetic abnormalities care to
dance?

in our chairs i've heard about guys like
you pervert well no it's really really

funny but we didn't do it

this to us.

All we did was move around his
furniture. He screwed up our chance to

with a Minnesota twin.

We gotta get back at him. It's gotta be
something big.

I'd like to take this camera and shove
it up his... Wait, wait!

That's brilliant!

I don't know.

It may sound good on paper, but when you
get down to the nuts and bolts of it...

No, no, no.

You just gave me an idea.

He was waiting for the results from his
physical, right? Yeah.

Okay, so he gets a call from his
doctor's new receptionist. Uh -huh. Who

needs a very thorough, very lengthy
colonoscopy.

Wait a minute.

So he's scared to death until he finds
out that it's a hoax. No, no, I know a

doctor who will do it.

What do you think, huh?

There's time for thinking when we're
dead. Let's do it!

That thing help in your carpal tunnel?

A little bit. I feel like I got needles
sticking to my arm, though.

Oh, that's weird.

Because I've been sticking them in your
crotch.

a pen right here. Why don't you just
tell me it right now?

Uh, no, I cannot.

Have a nice day.

Oh, that sucks.

What's the matter, buddy?

Uh, kind of personal. I really don't
want to talk about it. Hey, we're family

here. You can tell me anything.

I have to get a colonoscopy.

Oh.

No big deal. I've had three of them.

Really? Your age?

You see, I'm what you call a
hypochondriac.

That's why I get a full body scan every
month.

Wow, isn't all that radiation bad for
you?

Oh, my God, probably so.

Oh, well, if it gives me a tumor, I
guess they'll catch it immediately.

So you get, uh, you get colonoscopies,
too, huh?

Yep. My punch card's almost full.

Don't worry, buddy.

They're not as bad as you'd think.

It's kind of like sitting on a long,
cold, metal finger.

Man, I don't know if I want to go
through with this.

Well, it's up to you. It's your body.

Yeah, it's just that I'm dating a
doctor, and just think I'm a big wimp if

don't go through a simple medical
procedure like this.

Yeah, you would look like kind of a wimp
if you backed out now.

But don't worry, if there's any problem,
you can always call me.

In fact, let's be colon buddies.

Thanks, but when it comes to my colon, I
walk alone.

You know, I just want to tell you, I
think you look way too young to be going

through menopause.

How you doing?

Got these for you. Oh, thank you.

Hey, listen.

Before we get going, I want to come
clean with you about something.

What's that?

Well, I just want to let you know that,
you know, at first I was kind of freaked

out about the idea of some guy, you
know, putting things in my butt. But now

really, really okay with it.

You are?

I mean, you know, who cares if it hurts
a little bit? When you gotta have it,

you gotta have it, right?

Why are you telling me this?

Well, I thought, you know, you'd be a
little bit impressed that I was willing,

mean, even looking forward to having
somebody do this to me every once in a

while.

I thought it would impress me.

Yeah, yeah.

Now, listen, I figure you'd have a lot
more experience with this than I do. Is

there a lot of guys in the room when it
happens? Do they not have friends?

Who's got these two guys? You know, one
to put it in, one to take the pictures.

Hang on a minute. I just got something.

Well, the upside is, at least now I
don't have to get a colonoscopy.

Man, I'm glad I'm not in the dating
scene anymore.

That was my doctor. I was going out with
my doctor. I'm doing it because she

wanted me to get it done.

But we broke up, so now I'm off the
hook.

I heard. Maybe I'm off the hose.

I had it done twice.

Saved my life.

Really? No, I'm lying because I like to
make my ass sound interesting.

Wow. Well, maybe I should...

Consider getting it done when I get to
be your age.

I'll save my son -in -law's life, too,
and he's about your age. Of course, all

he did was eat pizza and drink beer.

He's not a health nut like you.

Well, maybe I should get a colonoscopy.

As your bus driver, I strongly advise
it.

Tell me, you guys are still trying to
get Drew back for the twins.

Yep, and it's a biggie.

What are you going to do now?

It's too late for her to do anything
about it.

We convinced Drew he needs a
colonoscopy, and we hired a guy to do

You want to come watch?

Are you insane?

Guys, did it ever occur to you that Drew
might actually get seriously hurt or

maybe even die?

Guess we just got caught up in all the
fun.

We should call it off.

I'll call Dr.

Kreshek, tell him it's off.

Good. Now you are acting smart.

Okay, here's the new plan.

There is no colonoscopy. No? No.

We get Dr. Kreshek to pretend he's going
to do it to scare the hell out of Drew,

okay? Just as he's putting the tube in,
we jump out, we yell, Surprise!

Okay, and because there's no
colonoscopy, we should bring it ground.

Maybe even sell tickets.

Nobody's going to buy tickets to this
unless we advertise.

Is everything okay, Doc?

Oh, yes. I was just waiting for some
people.

You must have assistance or something,
huh?

Yes. That sounds plausible.

Now, the drugs are taking effect. Let's
make a movie, Doc.

Okay. Fine. We start.

First, we spread the cheeks.

Dasvidaniya. Dasvidaniya.

Dasvidaniya. Funny, huh?

with instruments capable of causing
great pain.

Here is two.

Feet long. It is like having a tall,
thin man stand up in your ass.

Are you like that?

I don't. I can't believe my doctor
recommended you.

Just relax. Here, have more happy juice.

You don't need to worry, you know.

Once this bad boy goes three, four, five
feet up, you go into shock and won't

feel a thing.

Look, I'm ready. Can we just get this
over with? Can we just go now, please?

I am the one that says when we go.

Who is doctor here?

I'm starting to wonder, where'd you get
your degree, Russia?

Russian degree is not as worthy as one
from Yale Medical School.

Well, no.

I mean, you guys are all right, but
let's face it, there's a reason we won

Cold War.

And what would that be?

You bet on the wrong pony, comrade.

Marxism? You might as well have based an
economy on jazzercise.

You relax and let doctor from pathetic
former superpower be...

Thank you.

Okay,

the

doctor... Okay, the doctor should be
threatening Drew with the camera in

ten seconds, okay?

Tim, you're not going to need a flash.
His butt is very, very white.

This old man, he play too.

I've got tube inside of drool.

Surprise!

Oh,

it's a practical joke. I get it.

I thought you said he wasn't really
going to get a colonoscopy.

He insisted.

Huh.

Didn't see that coming.

Gee, I've done a lot to Drew through the
years, but you boys really crossed the

line.

Thank you.

Hey, guys.

I was thinking maybe Kelly was right.
Maybe talking things out would have been

better than this.

Yeah, maybe.

I'm really sorry about what I did to
your mugs.

I'm so sorry I hurt your feelings.

That's okay, buddy.

Sorry we hired a Russian veterinarian to
run a horse.

So, uh, we're good now?

Yeah, we're good.

You shouldn't be too hard on your
friends.

A man your age should have this
procedure done every few years.

By a veterinarian?

I'm also a dentist, I design web pages,
and I have a sea monkey farm.

Oh, wow.

Why don't you join us? This is where
we're hanging out until Drew moves his

furniture back.

No.

God, if you don't trust us now, then
what?

See? It's not so creepy, huh?

Mm -mm.

Actually, it's kind of nice.

Hey, guys, would you mind if I take off
my top?

Thanks for making it creepy.