Original subtitles

Hey, Peg, you still looking for a wife?

Yes.

Well, I can help.

If you give me 20 bucks, I'll give you the names and numbers of thousands of

single women.

Really? Yeah.

It's the phone book, isn't it?

Yeah.

Okay. How about this?

You give me 20 bucks, I'll tell you where you can find a bunch of...

women who live in the same house and who like to shower together.

Prison.

Jeez, you're in the zone.

What do you need 20 bucks for anyway?

I ran out of birth control pills.

So you what? Use 25, get the good stuff.

Oh, crap. Look what just popped up on all the screens.

The heck is this?

Get a load of this.

Memo from the bosses.

We want to be known as the company that cares, therefore we are strongly

encouraging all our employees to do volunteer work in their spare time.

Strongly encourage?

That's code for you're fired if you don't do it.

You should be grateful for volunteers, Mimi. They're the ones that keep

from making ashtrays out of your hand.

What are you looking at?

A list of stuff the bosses want us to volunteer for.

Oh, good lord.

I won't even drive my parents to the airport. Why the hell would I serve soup

Bum?

This one's cool.

They make dogs to help cheer people up at the hospital. I could take Speedy.

Well, what the heck.

I guess I could talk to kids about premarital sex.

You know, poor things. They have no technique at that age.

I'm Drew Carey. My dog Speedy and I are the volunteers to do the animal therapy.

Oh, yes, Mr.

Carey. We really appreciate this.

Oh, who's a handsome boy, huh?

Speak. Speak.

When people ask him that, he's supposed to say Drew Carey.

You don't need your dog to talk you up. You must be an awfully nice guy to give

up your free time to volunteer.

Well, I'm mostly doing it for Speedy. I mean, he's going a little stir -crazy.

The other day he went berserk and attacked a delivery guy.

So, uh, where do you keep all the sick kids?

Speedy?

Speedy!

Speedy, no!

I'm so sorry.

That's a hell of a jump for a dog with bad hips.

got away from me. You seem to be okay here, Natalie.

I'll get you another lunch.

That's a switch, huh? Dog eating senior citizen food?

Hey, Grandma.

Hey, who are your friends?

Hi, I'm Drew. I'm volunteering to hear my dog get in your grandma's room. We

were just leaving.

Oh, no.

What, Grandma? You don't want to take the dog away? No, I like him. He's so

sweet, but he looks thirsty.

I'll tell you what.

I'll go get some water.

And not that you would, but don't twist your hair into little points and make

cat noises. He goes nuts.

Listen, I just want to thank you. I haven't seen my grandmother happy in

Oh, well, you know, that's why I volunteered to do this animal therapy

It gets people happier, so they go out of here with a smile on their face.

You know, not in a box, I mean in a can.

It's all right.

So, um, how's your grandma doing?

Well, they think she's only got about a month left.

We haven't told her, but I think she knows. Oh, I'm so sorry. Hey, I don't

know your name. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm Erin.

Nice to meet you. You too.

So, do you do volunteer stuff like this a lot?

Well, yeah, I have a lot of dirty deeds to make up for. I've got to admit, they

were done dirt cheap.

Okay,

so I'm old. Tell me about yourself.

Well, I like ACDC.

I like older guys.

I like older guys with golden retrievers.

Oh, well, nothing there. See you later.

Listen, you know, I've been spending a lot of time up here. I'd love to grab a

cup of coffee.

You interested?

Yeah, sure. Hey, you know, if you call me Dr. Carey, I get 50 % off.

In fact, from now on, just call me Dr. Carey.

Oh, here you go, speedy.

Come on, drink up. Got a lot of sick people to see today.

Oh, does he have to go?

Yeah, we're only supposed to be here for an hour today.

Thank you, Speedy, for making me so happy.

I don't have a lot of regrets, but I always regretted I'd never had a dog.

Well, back to dying.

You

know what,

Natalie? I want you to have Speedy.

Really? Yeah, just, I insist. Just to keep him. Please, no. It's the least I

could do. It's just for a little while. I mean, for a little old lady, I've

taken a shot.

Oh, this is so nice, Drew. Sure.

Hey, listen, don't worry about anything. I'll help you take care of him.

Well, I guess this is goodbye, Speedy.

Been a good dog. I'll see you in a month.

Hey, Mimi, is Drew here?

No, he ran off to the hospital.

He probably went to see his new girlfriend.

No, I think they're finally going to try and separate his head from his ass.

You know, to see if they can survive independently.

Hey, look, that's her. That's the girl I was telling you about. She's cute,

isn't she? Yeah.

She seems so confident, so full of self -esteem.

You want me to date her first, take care of that for you?

You're talking about ask a trailer out?

Yeah, you think she'd be interested?

Oh, well, let's see what you two have in common.

Hmm. She went to an Ivy League school. You ate Ivy on a dare.

She started an Internet company at 25.

And after almost dying the first time, you ate Ivy again on a dare.

Well, I had to. It was a double dog dare.

Hi, uh, Taylor?

Hi. We've, uh, never met. I work, uh, down in the loading dock. My name is

Oswald. Wait, turn around and wave.

All right.

You are perfect.

I am? Oh, yeah. I like the way you move.

Yeah.

How would you like to be a model for a live animation project?

It's for a character I'm doing for our website.

Oh, you know, a fancy man once asked me to pose for him in his studio in a

public restroom. I turned him down. I regretted it ever since.

That's cute. You're funny.

So tomorrow, 3 o 'clock? Well, I hope I'm not late because I'm choosing

my four pairs of pants.

Well? Well, we don't have a date yet, but she asked me to help her out with

something tomorrow, so that's what I'm going to ask her out. Hey, that's great.

Yeah, well, hope I didn't screw myself. I panicked and told her I had four pairs

of pants.

What am I going to do when she wants to come to my place and see all those

pants?

Excuse me, I've got a message to come over here right away. Is Erin Sullivan

here? She's in her grandmother's room. Are you family?

Well, I'm not exactly family. I'm her boyfriend.

I mean, you know, I think I'm her boyfriend. We've been out three times.

We're exclusive.

At least, you know, I'm exclusive. I don't know what she is.

What would you think that makes me?

Well, I think you are chatty.

Sorry.

So, is her grandmother Dawn?

No, not yet, but you better hurry. She's not going to be with us for much

longer. Oh, my God.

Hey!

What happened to you? You look great.

I knew you'd want to see this for yourself. The most amazing thing

doctor said she's okay to go home.

at least I'm so happy for you. And it's all thanks to this precious little boy.

Yeah. How about that, huh? My speedy saved the life.

My speedy's a real miracle worker.

Yeah. Yep, it's all thanks to my speedy.

How long do you want to play this? You gave the dog to me.

Hey, this is really the nicest thing anyone's ever done for my grandmother.

Thank you so much.

I'll see you tonight.

Isn't that great? That sweet woman's dog saved her life.

Shut up.

You're just going to let her keep your dog?

No, I'm not. I got a plan.

See, what I'm going to do is I'm going to give her all the speedy stuff, then

I'm going to break down crying.

Not just a few tears, but like chest heaving, sobbing, snot bubbles, the

nine years.

Why don't you just be a man and take your dog back?

I can't. Then she'll get mad and break up with me. I can't cry hard enough to

keep a woman from breaking up with me. I know. I've tried.

Let me ask you this.

Have you had sex with her yet?

Well, you know, not per se.

Complicated than that. I really like this errand.

This could lead to something.

And I love Speedy, too. I mean, look, I got this farm at Oktoberfest.

We had sausages together. We chicken danced.

It was his last big blow -up before his testicles came on.

Well, Drew, you know what I think?

What?

I think your testicles have come off.

That's her. You've got to go. Okay, okay. I'm off to the movies.

Good luck, Mary.

Hi. Hi. Oh, you look so great. I was just about to tell you that. Yeah.

Hey, listen, why don't I get a couple beers and we'll head out and have some

dinner? Great. That sounds wonderful. Yeah, I know a really good French

restaurant to do a really good...

You know, fish and beef. They have these great desserts. They set on fire.

Wow. I guess the whole point of this is I want my dog back.

What? You mean my grandma's dog? You gave him to her.

Yeah, but I'll get her another dog, any kind she wants. She doesn't want another

dog. How about one of those St. Bernard's with the little thing? She can

wine to wash her pills down, which, by the way, is probably what's keeping her

alive, not my stupid dog.

Look.

Speedy makes her happy, okay? There's no way in hell I'm taking him away from

her.

All right.

I didn't want to play this card, but if you don't give me my dog back, I just

won't sleep with you.

Goodbye, Drew.

What part of I won't sleep with you don't you understand?

my pajamas, but you might have knobs on the feet so I don't slip.

You look kind of cute in that.

Well, you look cute in everything.

It's true. I could wear a sack and look great.

Now, I am going to put these sensors all over your body

and they'll track your movement.

So, this goes right into the computer, huh?

Not just our computers.

It's going live to our animators in California.

Oh, yeah.

You know what? I think those sensors are fine.

I just have to make sure they're all secure.

Now, one final check before we get started.

Okay.

like and don't move

something's

still moving

To be an hour.

Maybe you should go to lunch.

I love the trailer. It's really embarrassing. I'm sure you think it's

disgusting. I'm sorry. I'll just leave.

so closely with the opposite sex, I understand.

Well, gee, Traylor, thanks for being so cool.

I wonder why everyone says you're such a bitch.

So you want to go out sometime?

Oh. Okay, here's the thing. I only go out with guys who make more money than I

do. Oh, how much is that?

$125 ,000 a year.

Oh, look at that. Ready to work.

Oh, hello, Drew. Are you and your friends here to see Speedy?

Uh, yeah, kind of. Come on in.

Speedy, you have visitors.

Oh, my God, my dog looks like a French whore.

No, his legs aren't hairy enough.

Is he eating steak?

Oh, filet mignon.

Hey, can I get his leftovers in a people bag?

Sullivan, the reason we're here is I really miss Speedy, and I was wondering

we could work out a compromise. You know, we can split him up. You take him

three days a week, I can take him three days a week. We'll alternate Sundays.

That way all the days are covered, all the holidays, except, you know, Father's

Day, because, you know, come on.

No, you gave him to me.

There's his homemade dog biscuits.

Okay, Drew, now's your chance. Get Speedy. Let's get out of here.

Well,

Why not? It's my dog, right?

Come on, Speedy.

Come on, let's get out of here. Get off that big comfortable bed and let's go.

Come on, buddy.

Speedy, it's me. It's your dad.

Oh, we ain't got a barrel of... Maybe we're ragged and

funny. True.

True.

You and your dog have a song?

The song was special to us.

Come on, Steve. You don't have to mess around. Let's go.

Come on.

Let's go home.

Come on. Don't take it.

Don't take it personal, Drew. He's got a sweet deal here. I mean, he's got all

the steak he can eat, a fancy place to sleep.

Rich woman who gives him everything his heart desires?

You coming?

You guys go ahead. I've got something to do here.

Hello, Natalie.

Can I help you with those biscuits?

to cheer you up.

Yeah, thanks for making my house look like a trap for 12 -year -old girls.

Drew, let's say we go to the pound and we help you pick out another dog, huh?

No, I don't want another pet. They just dump you when a better owner comes

along. They didn't dump you, Drew. They're just dumb animals who go where

food is.

Drew's out of chips. Let's go. All right.

Hey. Hey. What's going on?

Oh, I just wanted to bring Speedy back.

Grandma took a turn for the worse and passed away the other night. Oh, gee,

so sorry. Yeah, well, having Speedy around made her last weeks a lot

Thanks, Drew.

You're welcome.

Actually, I was just getting used to not having him here.

Uh -huh.

I'm practicing public speaking. Give it a speech to the city council about

getting more streetlights.

The duck there is the mayor.

Well, I better get going.

Listen, thanks again for everything.

You're a really nice guy. Thanks. I really like you, too. Hey, maybe we can

out again sometime.

Yeah, I'd like that.

Hey, why don't you come to the funeral?

I'm not really sure that's the right occasion for a date, but we can make

anything fun.

I was talking about paying your respect.

As was I.

Give me a call.

Okay.

See ya.

Bye.

Well, well, well.

Maybe

I

don't want you around, huh? Maybe I don't need you anymore.

What?

No, I'm not falling for it.

I don't care what you say.

No.

No, we ain't.

As soon as the dog's asleep, we can quit watching CNN and watch

cartoons.

Okay, Lewis?

Okay,

Lewis?

Beer. Beer.