Original subtitles

Well,

you got the engagement ring. What do you think? Oh, Drew, it's beautiful.

But you don't even know who you're marrying yet.

Yeah, well, I figure if I buy a diamond ring, she will come.

At least you'll put on a pretty good show.

And check out the ring my future wife got for me.

Oh, this is nice.

Drew Carey.

You're so fine, you're so fine, you blow my mind.

Drew Carey. Hey, I'm not marrying a woman who doesn't love that song.

Well, Drew, whoever your wife turns out to be, she's a lucky lady.

What's wrong?

It's just... My birthday is next week, and I have nothing to be happy about.

It's your birthday. Why don't you say something? Because I don't want to think

about it.

Listen, I'm all alone.

Yeah, on my best birthday, my grandfather got run over by a train.

In front of me.

Holding my present.

On my best birthday, my parents rented a pony with an erection.

Well,

I turn my problem, keep getting worse.

And look at these holes that ate our floor.

Oh, wow.

Hey, this is weird.

From an angle, it almost spells... Get out.

Yeah, we see it, too.

You don't think termites can actually spell get out on the floor, do you?

Well, I'm sure it's just a coincidence, but in the off chance it's not, we're

going to have the house tented and fumigated. Yeah, we tried inspections,

tried negotiations, nothing worked, so now we're bombing them.

Hey, so Drew, can we spend the weekend at your house?

Yeah, we thought we had a free trip to the mountains, but that was too good to

be true.

Yeah, see, it says if you listen to a sales pitch for one of these condos, you

get to spend the night and you get a free color TV.

What they don't tell you is they only want married couples.

Hey, you know what? I've been borrowing so much money on this wedding, I don't

have a lot to spare, but I want to do something nice for your birthday.

So how would you like to spend the night in a posh mountain resort?

Really? You and me?

Kelly?

Will you be my pretend wife to score a free color TV?

I apply it from a resale point of view. It's really a no -lose proposition.

Now, this is the model you folks will be staying in tonight.

Check it out. Yeah, this is the last of our three -bedroom units. You know, it's

so popular that there's actually a waiting list just to spend the night

So if you're interested, I'd act fast.

Oh, look at this view, honey.

Check out the fireplace.

Pretty romantic, eh, Mother?

How long have you two been married?

Oh, you know, 22 years.

Really? You don't look old enough to have been married for 22 years.

He's actually counting from when we first met.

Yes. Um, he was my P .E. teacher.

Yeah, boy, I remember looking at her climbing up that rope, and I thought,

one day that eighth grader's gonna be my wife.

I see. Well, there are still ten units left in phase one, but, again, this is

the only three -bedroom. Do you have children? No, no.

Champion Yorkies are our children.

Yorkies, huh? Yeah, yeah. That's me.

A disgraced PE teacher with tiny effeminate dogs.

You see all that land back there?

That's a state park, which means they can never build on it. Oh, it's

It's like a painting.

Holy crap, it's got a built -in VCR.

Hey, uh, we get to keep this even if we don't buy anything, right?

Right.

You know, before you make any decisions, you really owe it to yourself to have a

look around the grounds. We've got a swimming pool, tennis courts, an amazing

clubhouse. Oh, yeah, I'd love to take a look.

Actually, we should stay in. It's going to get dark pretty soon, and after all,

this is tick country.

I'd be happy to show just you around, Kelly. May I call you Kelly? Oh, yeah,

sure. We could have drinks by the swimming pool.

Well, that sounds nice, but I... And then I could show you the gym.

Although... You obviously don't need to work out.

Thank you.

Well, I bet you wouldn't be saying that if you had to sleep with her every

single night. I mean, whoo!

We're just going to stay in. Thanks.

Sure. I understand.

Well, enjoy the condo, and I'll check back with you tomorrow. Okay.

Night, Ted.

Sweet dreams, Kelly.

right in front of your husband?

Drew, we're not really married.

He doesn't know that.

Well, it's nice to know that you still care after 22 years.

Man, that was a great dinner, Lewis.

You're the only one with the guts to cook chicken the way I like it, rare.

You know the deal. I make dinner, you make dessert.

I already got it, darn it.

What is it? What's your favorite dessert?

Fried ice cream, but you can only get that at a Mexican restaurant.

Well, fried ice cream isn't just for Mexicans anymore.

I got the pan all heated up and greased up, ready to fry you up a batch of ice

cream.

Huh. I wonder how they do...

Greasy milkshake.

I make you a nice pink chicken, and that's the thanks I get.

I'll just have cookies.

I don't remember this being locked before.

That's funny. Why would Drew put a lock on it?

Well, obviously he doesn't want anybody getting in there.

Maybe he doesn't want anybody getting out.

Pretty strong lock. Whatever's in there must be pretty valuable.

There's only one thing it could be. What?

White chocolate.

Oh, there's no such thing. How could something be white and be chocolate?

That's what makes it so valuable.

Well, we're just going to have to wait until he gets back to find out.

Coffee in the living room? Sounds delightful.

All right, I can't take it.

What is that?

I don't know.

Maybe it drew his leftovers.

From Friday.

Let's open it. No, no. If we open this package, he'll know we went through his

stuff.

Yeah, that's true. He's being nice, and we should respect his privacy. The best

thing we should do is put it back and forget about it.

I think that's best.

Some jacuzzi tub, huh?

I got a question.

How could a mindless stream of water find something in five minutes that my

husband couldn't find in 15 years?

Just wanted your birthday to be special.

Make a wish.

What would you wish for?

World peace and not to die alone.

Well, you ruined that joke.

I also got to this.

You got me white rose?

I went through your things.

I guessed.

Drew, this is so expensive. I thought you were short of money.

I was. Now I'm out of money.

But now on your birthday, I want you to think of perfume instead of... Watch

out, Grandpa!

Sorry to bother you, folks. I forgot to mention.

We have a complimentary champagne brunch tomorrow from 9 to noon.

Well, thank you very much.

Good night.

Wow.

Whatever that scent is you're wearing, it is wonderful.

Thank you. I made her smell like that.

It was a birthday present.

Oh, really? It's your birthday.

You know, if you were my wife and it was your birthday, we'd be too busy

to answer the door.

What the hell is that supposed to mean? Just making small talk.

Hey, since it's your birthday, Kelly... No,

no, no, Ted. Thank you. No, no.

What'd you say to her? Nothing. Just gave her a little birthday wish.

What'd he say?

Just forget it, Drew.

What did he say exactly?

Your what?

Drew! Stop!

Drew! I cannot believe this!

God! Drew, have you lost your mind?

You're right. I'm not thinking clearly.

He hit on you. Right in front of me. Like I didn't even exist.

You know?

It's, uh, it's insulting.

I didn't send a word.

Yeah, well, it's gone.

I was all relaxed from my jacuzzi tub, and now it's gone.

What?

Drew, I just cannot believe that you punched somebody.

If I didn't know better, I'd almost think that you really were jealous.

Oh, God, please, come on. I mean, you know, we're just friends. Yeah, well, I

know that we're just... Friends? I just want to make sure that you know.

I know.

Well, so do I.

You should close your robe a little. Depends if I'm seeing a little more than

friend should see.

Well, you know, a friend wouldn't look.

Well, as a safe driver, I have to be aware of everything around me.

We

have

to go back.

What?

There's no way. I'm not apologizing to that guy. Uh, no, Drew, I... I think I

left your ring by the jacuzzi.

Glad this is your card.

We'd smell it.

What else would it be?

Freaking big pile of money.

If you put freaking at the front, it can be anything, you moron.

No, it certainly isn't fun.

Hey, wait a minute.

It opens up.

It's an update.

Hi, guy. For the last time, stay out of my stuff.

And don't open this tiny red box because it's a trap.

Whoa, that was close. We almost opened it.

Let's put it back. Whoa, whoa.

Wait a minute.

Have you had some chocolate?

White chocolate.

And you wanted to keep your friends away from it, what would you do?

Put it in a box, put a note on it saying, don't open it, it's a trash.

What could a tiny red box do to two grown men?

Jude, you keep a lookout and I'll go in and get the ring.

Crap, it's not... There's probably somebody in there. Yeah, it's probably

another couple. They said there was a waiting list.

It's a woman. Give me ten seconds before you punch her in the face, okay?

Can I help you? Hi.

My name is Kelly, and this is Drew. And we were staying here before you...

We're pretty sure that we left something here.

Oh, well, we haven't found anything.

Really?

Excuse me.

Can you believe that woman? She's wearing my ring. I know.

No, and she's obviously not going to give it back.

What are you going to do?

Well, I say we go get that salesman guy.

Yeah? You have sex with him, and while everybody marvels at your lack of

for me, I'll grab the ring.

Would you just let it go?

Sorry, but we didn't find anything. If we do, we'll tell the manager. Okay,

thank you. Oh, my goodness.

What a beautiful ring.

We have an anniversary coming up, and this is exactly what I have been

describing to my husband here.

Do you mind?

I'm guessing not.

See, honey, this is the princess cut. This is exactly

what I want. Yes!

Run!

Oh, I'm so sorry. I don't know what's got into my wife.

Run, you idiot!

Almost home. Oh, good. Good.

Uh, did I drool?

Yeah, uh, among other things.

You're incredibly relaxed when you sleep.

You made it back in four hours? How'd you get back so quickly?

I did 90 the whole way in the fog.

This just wasn't our time.

Oh, my God.

Drew?

Did you happen to buy two of these rings?

Well, at least the fog is lifted.

Find out whatever it was I hid back in Pittsburgh.

Yeah, it was the headlights that woke me up.

Well, I better get home.

Hey, listen, before you go, I'm really sorry about this weekend. I just wanted

you to have a great birthday. I blew it.

Are you kidding me, Drew? Come on. I had a guy flirt with me. I had two men

fight over me. And I got a color TV.

So you had a good time?

The best birthday ever.

Oh. You know, you make a pretty good pretend husband.

Yeah, and you're nothing but trouble, Mother.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

Here you go.

Oh, Drew, you got the engagement ring inscribed, too?

No.

We took the wrong ring back?

You know what?

We should do the right thing.

Tomorrow, I'll get it appraised. If it's worth less, we'll find a way to return

it.

Thanks again. Yeah.

Bye. Bye.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Jim.

Anything exciting happen while I was gone?

Nope.

Same old, same old.

Find a way to keep yourselves busy?

Well, we spent most of the weekend talking about how nice you were to let

stay here and how we were going to find a way to pay you back.

Well, I'd better get rolling.

Hey, you want to stop by the mall and get some white chocolate? Okay.

I'll stay in the car. You go ahead. All right.

Hello?

I'm Oswald. This is Lewis.

You'd like to stay here as long as necessary to receive a free television?

I'm sorry. We're all booked up.

Oh, here we go.

We've heard this before.

The reason you're booked up is because we're blue, isn't it?

No. Of course not.

Well, I don't even want to stay here anymore.

We'll just take the television and go.

She only dialed three numbers. Do you think she's calling information?

It's time for plan B.

You know, uh, our faces aren't the only thing that's blue.

Give us the TV and we won't show you.