All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show s08e19 Two Days Of The Condo

Well,

you got the engagement ring. What do you
think? Oh, Drew, it's beautiful.

But you don't even know who you're
marrying yet.

Yeah, well, I figure if I buy a diamond
ring, she will come.

At least you'll put on a pretty good
show.

And check out the ring my future wife
got for me.

Oh, this is nice.

Drew Carey.

You're so fine, you're so fine, you blow
my mind.

Drew Carey. Hey, I'm not marrying a
woman who doesn't love that song.

Well, Drew, whoever your wife turns out
to be, she's a lucky lady.

What's wrong?

It's just... My birthday is next week,
and I have nothing to be happy about.

It's your birthday. Why don't you say
something? Because I don't want to think

about it.

Listen, I'm all alone.

Yeah, on my best birthday, my
grandfather got run over by a train.

In front of me.

Holding my present.

On my best birthday, my parents rented a
pony with an erection.

Well,

I turn my problem, keep getting worse.

And look at these holes that ate our
floor.

Oh, wow.

Hey, this is weird.

From an angle, it almost spells... Get
out.

Yeah, we see it, too.

You don't think termites can actually
spell get out on the floor, do you?

Well, I'm sure it's just a coincidence,
but in the off chance it's not, we're

going to have the house tented and
fumigated. Yeah, we tried inspections,

tried negotiations, nothing worked, so
now we're bombing them.

Hey, so Drew, can we spend the weekend
at your house?

Yeah, we thought we had a free trip to
the mountains, but that was too good to

be true.

Yeah, see, it says if you listen to a
sales pitch for one of these condos, you

get to spend the night and you get a
free color TV.

What they don't tell you is they only
want married couples.

Hey, you know what? I've been borrowing
so much money on this wedding, I don't

have a lot to spare, but I want to do
something nice for your birthday.

So how would you like to spend the night
in a posh mountain resort?

Really? You and me?

Kelly?

Will you be my pretend wife to score a
free color TV?

I apply it from a resale point of view.
It's really a no -lose proposition.

Now, this is the model you folks will be
staying in tonight.

Check it out. Yeah, this is the last of
our three -bedroom units. You know, it's

so popular that there's actually a
waiting list just to spend the night

So if you're interested, I'd act fast.

Oh, look at this view, honey.

Check out the fireplace.

Pretty romantic, eh, Mother?

How long have you two been married?

Oh, you know, 22 years.

Really? You don't look old enough to
have been married for 22 years.

He's actually counting from when we
first met.

Yes. Um, he was my P .E. teacher.

Yeah, boy, I remember looking at her
climbing up that rope, and I thought,

one day that eighth grader's gonna be my
wife.

I see. Well, there are still ten units
left in phase one, but, again, this is

the only three -bedroom. Do you have
children? No, no.

Champion Yorkies are our children.

Yorkies, huh? Yeah, yeah. That's me.

A disgraced PE teacher with tiny
effeminate dogs.

You see all that land back there?

That's a state park, which means they
can never build on it. Oh, it's

It's like a painting.

Holy crap, it's got a built -in VCR.

Hey, uh, we get to keep this even if we
don't buy anything, right?

Right.

You know, before you make any decisions,
you really owe it to yourself to have a

look around the grounds. We've got a
swimming pool, tennis courts, an amazing

clubhouse. Oh, yeah, I'd love to take a
look.

Actually, we should stay in. It's going
to get dark pretty soon, and after all,

this is tick country.

I'd be happy to show just you around,
Kelly. May I call you Kelly? Oh, yeah,

sure. We could have drinks by the
swimming pool.

Well, that sounds nice, but I... And
then I could show you the gym.

Although... You obviously don't need to
work out.

Thank you.

Well, I bet you wouldn't be saying that
if you had to sleep with her every

single night. I mean, whoo!

We're just going to stay in. Thanks.

Sure. I understand.

Well, enjoy the condo, and I'll check
back with you tomorrow. Okay.

Night, Ted.

Sweet dreams, Kelly.

right in front of your husband?

Drew, we're not really married.

He doesn't know that.

Well, it's nice to know that you still
care after 22 years.

Man, that was a great dinner, Lewis.

You're the only one with the guts to
cook chicken the way I like it, rare.

You know the deal. I make dinner, you
make dessert.

I already got it, darn it.

What is it? What's your favorite
dessert?

Fried ice cream, but you can only get
that at a Mexican restaurant.

Well, fried ice cream isn't just for
Mexicans anymore.

I got the pan all heated up and greased
up, ready to fry you up a batch of ice

cream.

Huh. I wonder how they do...

Greasy milkshake.

I make you a nice pink chicken, and
that's the thanks I get.

I'll just have cookies.

I don't remember this being locked
before.

That's funny. Why would Drew put a lock
on it?

Well, obviously he doesn't want anybody
getting in there.

Maybe he doesn't want anybody getting
out.

Pretty strong lock. Whatever's in there
must be pretty valuable.

There's only one thing it could be.
What?

White chocolate.

Oh, there's no such thing. How could
something be white and be chocolate?

That's what makes it so valuable.

Well, we're just going to have to wait
until he gets back to find out.

Coffee in the living room? Sounds
delightful.

All right, I can't take it.

What is that?

I don't know.

Maybe it drew his leftovers.

From Friday.

Let's open it. No, no. If we open this
package, he'll know we went through his

stuff.

Yeah, that's true. He's being nice, and
we should respect his privacy. The best

thing we should do is put it back and
forget about it.

I think that's best.

Some jacuzzi tub, huh?

I got a question.

How could a mindless stream of water
find something in five minutes that my

husband couldn't find in 15 years?

Just wanted your birthday to be special.

Make a wish.

What would you wish for?

World peace and not to die alone.

Well, you ruined that joke.

I also got to this.

You got me white rose?

I went through your things.

I guessed.

Drew, this is so expensive. I thought
you were short of money.

I was. Now I'm out of money.

But now on your birthday, I want you to
think of perfume instead of... Watch

out, Grandpa!

Sorry to bother you, folks. I forgot to
mention.

We have a complimentary champagne brunch
tomorrow from 9 to noon.

Well, thank you very much.

Good night.

Wow.

Whatever that scent is you're wearing,
it is wonderful.

Thank you. I made her smell like that.

It was a birthday present.

Oh, really? It's your birthday.

You know, if you were my wife and it was
your birthday, we'd be too busy

to answer the door.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Just making small talk.

Hey, since it's your birthday, Kelly...
No,

no, no, Ted. Thank you. No, no.

What'd you say to her? Nothing. Just
gave her a little birthday wish.

What'd he say?

Just forget it, Drew.

What did he say exactly?

Your what?

Drew! Stop!

Drew! I cannot believe this!

God! Drew, have you lost your mind?

You're right. I'm not thinking clearly.

He hit on you. Right in front of me.
Like I didn't even exist.

You know?

It's, uh, it's insulting.

I didn't send a word.

Yeah, well, it's gone.

I was all relaxed from my jacuzzi tub,
and now it's gone.

What?

Drew, I just cannot believe that you
punched somebody.

If I didn't know better, I'd almost
think that you really were jealous.

Oh, God, please, come on. I mean, you
know, we're just friends. Yeah, well, I

know that we're just... Friends? I just
want to make sure that you know.

I know.

Well, so do I.

You should close your robe a little.
Depends if I'm seeing a little more than

friend should see.

Well, you know, a friend wouldn't look.

Well, as a safe driver, I have to be
aware of everything around me.

We

have

to go back.

What?

There's no way. I'm not apologizing to
that guy. Uh, no, Drew, I... I think I

left your ring by the jacuzzi.

Glad this is your card.

We'd smell it.

What else would it be?

Freaking big pile of money.

If you put freaking at the front, it can
be anything, you moron.

No, it certainly isn't fun.

Hey, wait a minute.

It opens up.

It's an update.

Hi, guy. For the last time, stay out of
my stuff.

And don't open this tiny red box because
it's a trap.

Whoa, that was close. We almost opened
it.

Let's put it back. Whoa, whoa.

Wait a minute.

Have you had some chocolate?

White chocolate.

And you wanted to keep your friends away
from it, what would you do?

Put it in a box, put a note on it
saying, don't open it, it's a trash.

What could a tiny red box do to two
grown men?

Jude, you keep a lookout and I'll go in
and get the ring.

Crap, it's not... There's probably
somebody in there. Yeah, it's probably

another couple. They said there was a
waiting list.

It's a woman. Give me ten seconds before
you punch her in the face, okay?

Can I help you? Hi.

My name is Kelly, and this is Drew. And
we were staying here before you...

We're pretty sure that we left something
here.

Oh, well, we haven't found anything.

Really?

Excuse me.

Can you believe that woman? She's
wearing my ring. I know.

No, and she's obviously not going to
give it back.

What are you going to do?

Well, I say we go get that salesman guy.

Yeah? You have sex with him, and while
everybody marvels at your lack of

for me, I'll grab the ring.

Would you just let it go?

Sorry, but we didn't find anything. If
we do, we'll tell the manager. Okay,

thank you. Oh, my goodness.

What a beautiful ring.

We have an anniversary coming up, and
this is exactly what I have been

describing to my husband here.

Do you mind?

I'm guessing not.

See, honey, this is the princess cut.
This is exactly

what I want. Yes!

Run!

Oh, I'm so sorry. I don't know what's
got into my wife.

Run, you idiot!

Almost home. Oh, good. Good.

Uh, did I drool?

Yeah, uh, among other things.

You're incredibly relaxed when you
sleep.

You made it back in four hours? How'd
you get back so quickly?

I did 90 the whole way in the fog.

This just wasn't our time.

Oh, my God.

Drew?

Did you happen to buy two of these
rings?

Well, at least the fog is lifted.

Find out whatever it was I hid back in
Pittsburgh.

Yeah, it was the headlights that woke me
up.

Well, I better get home.

Hey, listen, before you go, I'm really
sorry about this weekend. I just wanted

you to have a great birthday. I blew it.

Are you kidding me, Drew? Come on. I had
a guy flirt with me. I had two men

fight over me. And I got a color TV.

So you had a good time?

The best birthday ever.

Oh. You know, you make a pretty good
pretend husband.

Yeah, and you're nothing but trouble,
Mother.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

Here you go.

Oh, Drew, you got the engagement ring
inscribed, too?

No.

We took the wrong ring back?

You know what?

We should do the right thing.

Tomorrow, I'll get it appraised. If it's
worth less, we'll find a way to return

it.

Thanks again. Yeah.

Bye. Bye.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Jim.

Anything exciting happen while I was
gone?

Nope.

Same old, same old.

Find a way to keep yourselves busy?

Well, we spent most of the weekend
talking about how nice you were to let

stay here and how we were going to find
a way to pay you back.

Well, I'd better get rolling.

Hey, you want to stop by the mall and
get some white chocolate? Okay.

I'll stay in the car. You go ahead. All
right.

Hello?

I'm Oswald. This is Lewis.

You'd like to stay here as long as
necessary to receive a free television?

I'm sorry. We're all booked up.

Oh, here we go.

We've heard this before.

The reason you're booked up is because
we're blue, isn't it?

No. Of course not.

Well, I don't even want to stay here
anymore.

We'll just take the television and go.

She only dialed three numbers. Do you
think she's calling information?

It's time for plan B.

You know, uh, our faces aren't the only
thing that's blue.

Give us the TV and we won't show you.