Original subtitles

Hey, uh, priest just walked into a bar.

Oh, I love these.

And then what?

Did you see that?

That is disgusting.

Priests get more action than me.

Wait a minute. That's not a priest. That's Reverend Henderson.

Yeah, you're right. Hey, we haven't seen him in 30 years. Yeah, he looks older,

but Mrs. Henderson looks younger. And prettier.

And, uh, left dead.

Hey, Reverend Henderson.

Remember us?

Drew Oswald and Lewis. We used to be in your youth group.

We played the Three Wise Men as Stooges.

Oh, we did that anti -drug play as Stooges.

Oh, of course.

Oh, it's good to see you boys.

Well, what are you keeping yourself?

Oh, I've got a new church a couple of miles from here.

You should stop by.

Well, the Lord works in mysterious ways. Maybe he'll sober me up, put me in a

car, and take me there.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You boys remember my daughter, Elaine.

Oh, Elaine.

I haven't seen you since we were kids. How you doing? I'm great.

What are you guys up to?

Well, I'm either a janitor who drinks heavily or an alcoholic who unclogs

toilets.

Well, either way, congratulations.

Well, I tell you what I do, but I don't want to toot my own horn.

Well, you know, I'm single.

Those are my best friends.

I work with computers.

You know what? I'll just leave you alone.

I mean, my life's not that exciting either. I'm still single, too. And, oh,

still go to the same elementary school, except now I'm the principal.

Oh, you're a principal, huh?

Yeah. I bet the kids are lined outside your office for the old spankaroo, huh?

I hope I'm not overstepping my bounds here, but you two are single.

How about a date?

Dad, don't put you on the spot like that.

No, I mean, I'd love to go out with you.

Okay, why don't you call me tomorrow? Sure thing.

Okay, and Dad, I'll go get her for you. Oh, sure.

You know, Reverend, we're single, too. You got any other daughters?

Yes. Yes, I do.

I really love that sweater.

Brings out the color in your eyes.

Thank you.

You know, you have beautiful eyes, too.

Oh, no.

They're just eyes. They help me see.

Fill the big sockets in my head.

I embarrassed you. That's so cute.

Um, I may be going out on a limb here, but could I get your number?

You want... Oh, you think that I'm, uh... I'm sorry. I just

don't have much experience at this. I never went to college.

Or summer camp.

I never even went to a driving range.

Hey, uh, Elaine.

I hope this doesn't sound too silly, but, you know, I know you're a features

kid. Your dad's not going to get mad if I take you to an R -rated movie, is he?

Well, I... I can go to the violent ones, but not the sexy ones.

Drew, no, whatever you want to do would be great. Oh, great.

Drew? Drew?

Um, can I just talk to you for a second? Sure. You're going out with her? Yeah,

isn't she great?

Yeah, yeah, she's super, super great, but I think I need to tell you

She just hit on me.

What do you mean? She likes women, too?

Sorry, Drew.

Sorry? I just got a date with a hot bisexual minister's daughter.

I don't care how God makes me pay for this. I say, send me the bill.

So what you're saying basically is there's no rhyme or reason as to who

hall pass.

That's right.

I thought so.

Oh, and the school nurse?

No medical training whatsoever.

Well, I always just wanted her just to touch me and give me a lollipop. I

care if she had medicine.

I thought I had a great time tonight.

Hey, me too.

Dude, there's something I should tell you.

Oh, I already know, and I'm fine with it.

As a matter of fact, I'm more than fine with it.

Why do you keep trying to kiss me if you know I'm a lesbian?

No, I think you're confused. You're a bisexual.

Lesbian. No, no, you have to be a bisexual.

I shouldn't have strung you along.

But I need a date for my cousin's wedding.

And my family doesn't know about me. And I'm tired of them bugging me about not

getting married.

So you were just using me?

How far are you planning on taking this? Were you going to sleep with me to keep

up your little charade?

Seriously, were you?

I should probably go, but I had a great time, and it was really great seeing

you. Okay, hey, look.

I'll do it. I'll pretend to be your date for your cousin's wedding. You will?

Oh, great.

Yeah, I had a great time, and, you know, you're fun to be with. It doesn't

always have to be about sex, I guess.

You are a great guy, Drew.

And, hey, in a couple of weeks, after we break up because you're too much of a

man,

I'll hook you up with one of my straight single friends.

Seriously? That would be great, because I really am looking to get married.

Anything I can do to help.

Thanks. You're really nice. And hey, listen, if you ever need some sperm, I'm

your man.

Thank you for letting

me come back home.

These are for you.

Oh, they're very beautiful. Thank you.

I can't believe it's been six months.

I've missed you so much.

Oh, you poor thing, you've forgotten how to hug.

What's the matter? You said I could come back home. I thought everything was

okay again.

I never said I forgave you for cheating on me.

Kid misses you, and so do I. They want you around, but things are never going

be the way they were.

Oh, yeah?

Well, maybe this will make a difference.

Oh, my God.

I felt nothing from you.

Hey, that's the best you're going to get.

I mean, we can't just start all over and act like nothing happened.

Yes, we can.

Well, we can get the romance back. Why don't we go to a tropical island

together, just the two of us?

Not in the mood for romance.

But I'm a woman. I still have my needs. So I'm going to go in the bedroom and

prepare for sex. If you show up, fine. If you don't, fine.

cousin to get married.

Drew, maybe you can explain to me why a beautiful woman like this hasn't settled

down yet.

Oh, you know, I think one day she's going to bring someone home and surprise

you. I mean, she's going to really surprise you.

Wow.

Who's that?

That is my cousin John's wife.

Oh, married, huh?

Too bad. She's hot.

Nice rack, huh?

Look at me. I'm checking on women with other women. I'm a sophisticate.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to head to the little lesbian's room.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Talk to me.

This is really embarrassing.

I am stuck to the wall.

Oh. Were you ever bitten by a radioactive spider?

if I try to get it loose myself.

Hey, this might be a good time to tell you my name's Drew Carey. Oh, I'm Terry.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you. I really owe you one for this.

Unless, of course, you touch me any lower and then we're even.

Hey, looks like we're even.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, hey, listen, um, you with the bride or the groom?

Oh, uh, uh, the groom.

Yeah, he's my boss, so I had to come.

To tell you the truth, I'd much rather be at home drinking beer, watching a

game.

Wow, birthday wishes gotta take their time catching up, and when they do, bam.

Hey, listen, um, this is gonna seem kind of sudden, but, uh, since you've

already felt my magical touch. Oh, I did.

Would you, uh, like to go out?

I would love to. Um, here's my card.

Oh, okay, uh, Terry, I'll give you a call. Of course, We'll have to go out

I take the bus home from work and flip coupons while I'm watching Star Trek

Generation with my dog.

I don't know if you realize this, but you just passed a very subtle screening

process.

Call me.

I will, thanks.

Yeah,

I just met somebody really great.

You did?

Good for you.

I met somebody tonight, too.

I get to hear what they say about weddings. You meet a lot of people.

She's right over there talking to the group.

Wait a minute. That's the woman I met.

I call bisexual.

Here you go, Oswald. I made you some tea with honey. I think this will make you

feel a little bit better.

Oh, thank you. Will you feel my forehead?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you're burning up. You really are sick.

Disgusting, you animal. Why don't you cover your mouth?

I just washed my hands, and I don't want to get them all germy.

Hey, Drew.

So, did you have fun at the wedding with Elaine?

Yeah, I had a great time. I met some really nice, as a matter of fact.

Yeah, we have everything in common.

She likes beer, sports, sex with women.

You're going out with another lesbian?

No, no, no.

No, no, this one's definitely bisexual.

Oh, so she has male and female parts?

No, Oswald, that's hermaphrodite.

Bisexual date men and women.

Oh, I see.

So a hermaphrodite and a bisexual would make the perfect couple.

Actually, that makes sense.

So, Drew, you're dating a bisexual? If you're looking to settle down, couldn't

this cause problems?

Well, the only problem I have so far is she wants to go out with my lesbian.

She wants to date Elaine, too?

Yes, Grandma. And women are showing their legs at the beach now.

Well, you know, I just asked her out. If she was going out with another guy, I

couldn't say anything about it. I mean, you know, I can't make up a new rule

just because she's going out with another woman.

Yeah, I guess that kind of makes sense.

So anyway, listen.

I never had to compete with a woman for another woman before. Can you give me

some, like, womanly advice?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Okay.

First, the most erotic part of a woman's body is her mind.

Hey, look, if you're going to make a big joke out of this, I'm just going to

leave.

Holy crap!

There's my beautiful bride.

I've ordered you a pina colada.

Oh, careful.

Sand's hot.

I don't know why this just popped into my head, but I have a gun in my purse.

I don't know what you're talking about.

We're on our honeymoon, and I'm madly in love with my wife.

Here's to us beginning our new life together. A fresh start, a clean slate.

Oh, my God.

You did all this to recreate our honeymoon?

Shh. Listen.

They're playing our song.

like it was in the Bahamas. That's right.

We have our whole future together, and I promise you, I'll only have eyes for

you.

I can't believe I'm saying this.

All right.

You get one do -over.

Start for scratch. Oh, thank God!

What am I doing?

Oh, you've read my mind.

Wait.

Our honeymoon was in the dark. Way ahead of you.

Oh, Steve.

Oh, I waited so long for this.

May I please go now?

I should have known that.

I don't want to interrupt your date. I'm sorry.

Excuse me. I just want to let you know I got the concert ticket, so we're all

set for your birthday.

Hey, wait. Hold on.

I was going to take her somewhere for her birthday. I didn't tell you

I wanted to be surprised.

Well, I'm sorry, Drew. I made plans for her.

Yeah, but call me old -fashioned, but I think on a birthday a girl should have

cake, candles, and a penis.

as much right as you do to see her on her birthday.

Oh, you guys, please don't argue. I am sure that we can work this out.

What do you want to do?

Oh, well, on my birthday, I would like to spend it with both of you.

So, uh, why don't we spend it together?

It's real.

Great. I'm going to be the third wheel?

That's just perfect.

Oh!

How are you feeling?

I think that cold medicine is starting to kick in.

You're going to get better tonight. It's your big night. Give him another cup of

that stuff. Are you sure? You're only supposed to have two. I've already had

four of these things.

So what? What are you going to be doing? Operating heavy machinery?

Maybe. I never had a treason before.

You know, I'm not doing this just for sex.

I'm doing this to save our relationship. I'm doing this for Terry.

Of course you are.

You're a good boyfriend.

No, I'm serious. I figure she's just sowing wild oats, you know, and if this

helps to get it out of her system, I'm just going to pinch my nose and take my

medicine.

Whoa. You okay, man?

Well, I don't know. I'm a little woozy. Well, don't worry. We didn't know how

the cold medicines were going to interact, so we took some precautions.

slipped you an erectile dysfunction pill.

Well, that answers one question I had.

Why don't you guys take off? I'll be all right. All right.

Good luck. Hey, remember, it's not just about your pleasure. It's about theirs,

too. There is no I in threesome.

Come on.

Hey. Hi. Happy birthday.

Come on in.

We brought champagne.

Wow.

Two beautiful women.

Champagne.

I wonder if there's a guy who looks just like me getting beat to death right

now.

Here's the birthday girl.

Hey, uh, you know, just for practice, why don't you guys clink your champagne

glasses together and I'll watch?

Now listen, we have an hour before we have to leave for the restaurant. I

figured we could talk, listen to some music, you know, watch TV.

An hour.

Drew, I know we have a better way to kill an ally.

of those stupid cold medicine.

They went ahead without me, fell in love, Terry left me for Elaine.

What?

Are you kidding? Nothing happened? Nothing?

Listen, mister, Oswald waited up all night like a kid at Christmas waiting to

hear about this.

You better damn well tell him something.

All right, I was just kidding you, man. I had a threesome. I knew it!

Okay, well, tell us everything. From the... beginning.

All right.

First, I took off my shoes.

I don't know about this, Oswald.

No, no, no, this will work.

Drew told me this is how he met Terry.

Oh, excuse me, miss. This is dreadfully embarrassing, but I seem to have caught

my zipper on a nail.

You think you could reach down there and unhook it for me?

I think I know what your problem is.

Only a loser would get his crotch stuck to the wall.

Excuse me, miss.

I'm a brain surgeon who accidentally nailed his crotch to the wall.

Would you mind, could you go down there and...

That should have worked.