Original subtitles

Wow.

I really admire her. I wish I could go up on stage and do that.

You mean suck.

Even if you're not great, who cares? It's only karaoke.

Give it a shot.

It'll be fun.

Yeah. You know what?

Why not? Huh?

You know, we tried music once to soothe the animals with drug coke. Turns out

scientists love to sing Broadway showstoppers.

We always love to rip the heads off of scientists who sing Broadway

showstoppers.

new sports bar. You guys should enter.

Really? Yeah, I think you really got a good shot at winning.

Well,

it sounds like fun. You want to do it, Drew? No, no. You should have your own

minutes of fame.

Don't trust me. I'll just freeze up again if I go up there on stage by

Please. And look, they're giving away $1 ,000.

Yeah, and the winner gets an Olympic gold medal.

What? Yeah. The owner of the bar collects memorabilia and he's giving it

a publicity stunt.

Oh, I wouldn't mind.

Who cares about winning some old metal, huh, Drew?

Hi, I'm Drew Carey, four -eyed loser.

I'm Drew Carey, Olympic gold medal winner.

I like the second one best.

Uh, Drew, we need to talk to you.

Yeah, look, uh, you're our friend, so we're gonna let you know right up front.

that we're going to be competing against you for the gold medal.

You guys know what you're getting yourselves into? I mean, karaoke isn't

about singing, you know. You have to read, too.

So you think we suck?

You're a janitor. You drink. You sing. Is there anything you can't do?

Well, if you'll excuse us, we have to practice our song.

Yeah, well, if you'll excuse us, I have to go home and bathe my instrument and

warm honey and lemon.

conscious, and not just any people.

Japanese businessmen.

Tell me, is this your ex -husband telling you you're not good enough

Is that what I'm hearing? Because trust me, you are.

Thank you.

Thank you, Drew. You know, I don't know what it is about you, but you always

make me feel so good about myself.

Hey, when sex is off the table, Drew Carey knows how to make a woman feel

Let's work on another number, a ballad, just in case everybody else is doing an

upbeat song. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah.

All right. You ready?

Guess

it's

gonna be a cold, lonely summer.

I was thinking of actually using real lipstick so my lip prints would show up

the envelope.

Okay, you never know what you say. I'm going to live forever.

Okay.

Now remember, you're scared little Coco.

The title of the dream.

You need that passion. Okay?

Every day at noon, you want to eat.

Listen, we can win an Olympic gold medal, and all we have to do is sing

Oh, crap, there's people down here.

Hey, Drew, do you mind? We were hoping for a little privacy so we could, uh,

know.

Uh, here's a little tip. It's too ugly to say, too ugly to do.

Can you sing three times a lady while your brother does it to me on a

They're giving away a thousand bucks.

A thousand bucks?

Honey, we should enter their contest, too. You've got such a great voice.

Oh, I'm in, but you're the one with the lovely voice.

Oh, let's give you so much fun. Yeah, win or lose, it'll be a hoot. I love

Oh, I love you, too.

Are the stars out tonight?

I don't know if it's cloudy or bright.

But I love your eyes.

Oh, you.

We've got to find a forklift.

T -ball.

I wonder if Christy Yamaguchi had to work this hard to win her gold medal.

you're not being a cynical, horrible bastard, and I can see the scared little

boy underneath.

Don't worry. I have a way to keep from crying.

How? Same way I kept from crying when my dad used to spank me. I bit the inside

of my cheek. I never gave him the satisfaction.

I never had a problem with my dad spanking me.

He tried it once, and I whispered, work the other cheek. It's lonely.

Never touched me again.

Never talked to me much either.

These are for you.

Oh, Drew.

They're beautiful.

So we're good?

Yeah, we're good.

Because you know what's not good? Our song.

I knew it.

I knew it. It's just like my ex -husband, Drew. The only reason you

is because you want something from me. No, no. Listen, I value our friendship.

Yeah, right.

You just know that you can't win that stupid medal without me.

Hey, you need me. All you have is beauty and talent. You need a gimmick. I'm the

gimmick, baby.

Well, I'll tell you how much I need you.

I'm going solo.

Fine.

Then so am I. I'm going to blow you off the stage. Oh, well, you're definitely

going to blow.

That's really good. See what you did there? You took what I said and you

it around. You're dead!

I'm dead.

Kelly's out of the contest. I can't sing.

Why don't you just find another partner?

The contest is in two days. We're going to find somebody else to sing with me.

Oh, my God, the gold was in my grass!

Hey, you know what?

A lot of famous singers started out in church choirs. I mean, Whitney Houston,

Mariah Carey.

Why don't you check out a couple churches?

What am I supposed to do? Just wander into a church and say, hey, you want a

thing for God for free?

Or do you want a thing with me in a bar for a thousand bucks?

Stop pushing me like Bible -thumping animals.

Just so you know, I'm not rejecting Jesus here. I'm just rejecting you.

I told you to stand up straight. I told you not to cry, but I forgot to tell you

not to spit up blood all over yourself.

Next up, the lovely stylings of Sasha.

We're gonna cancel each other out.

Don't worry. I know a bunch of songs.

When we get up there, I'll see what he's got.

Well, can you see if they have a little Motown? I like something with a little

more soul.

So, uh, what song did you tell him to play?

Do that to me one more time.

to him.

I'll tell you why. He wanted to add it to his trophy collection.

What trophy collection?

Thank you.

A guy like that to win the Olympic gold medal?

Well, it'd be some pretty grand stories for the grandkids, huh?

All he has now is a story of that fateful day when that vending machine

two root beers by accident.

Time for mama to bring home the gold.

Give me Viva.

Hey,

Drew.

What do you think?

Oh, so you won the gold medal, huh?

Bet it wasn't too hard after Oswald's bloodbath and my hilarious child

bit.

Drew?

I want you to have it.

What do you mean, you're not still mad at me?

No, I realize how important this is to you, and I'm keeping the $1 ,100, so

I want you to have it. I thought it was $1 ,000.

Yeah, I made a few pips.

Look, I can't take this. You're the one that won it. Oh, come on, Drew. I never

would have gotten on stage and shaken my money makers if you hadn't helped give

me the confidence.

You have more than one moneymaker?

Yeah, I have three.

Don't I?

Well, Eason, this is sweet, but it's not the same as saying that I won an

Olympic gold medal.

There's nobody better at it than I am.

Where's Sparky, Dad?

Sparky's gone to heaven, son.

This is so sad.

Sad? I think it's corny and stupid.