Original subtitles

So, who are you fixing me up with today, Larry?

Her name is Renee. I think you'll really like her.

She was in the Navy.

Ooh, permission to come aboard.

Hi, Larry.

Come in, Renee.

Drew, this is Renee. I think you guys are perfect for each other. Why don't

chat a little, see if there are any sparks?

Hey, come on in. Renee, that's a beautiful name. Well, thanks.

So, uh, tell me about yourself.

Well, let's see. I'm 32.

I'm originally from Chicago.

I put animals to sleep.

Oh.

So you, uh, you work at the pound? No, that's just a hobby.

I declare this a match!

Larry, can I talk to you for a second? Sure.

What is it? Uh, you need some condoms?

I can't go out with her. She murders pets.

Hey, she only does it because she gets blinding headaches when she doesn't.

Intriguing, no?

All right, fine.

Sorry, Renee.

It's not going to work.

Yeah, it's not you. It's me.

You cat -killing freak.

How can you set me up with somebody like that?

She's the end of the line, Drew.

bottom of the barrel. You've dated every other possible match in my service.

Hey, Larry.

Sorry to barge in. I was in the neighborhood and thought I'd say hello.

Suzy, how'd your day go?

Not so good.

Well, I see you're busy.

Guess I'll see you at your next singles mixer.

Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye.

I thought you were going to fix me up with everybody. What about her?

You're not really her type.

What do you mean I'm not her type?

Just drop it.

What is she? She got kids?

She older than she looks? She used to be a dude?

She works out a lot. Fitness and appearance are really important to her.

certain requirements that guys like us don't meet.

Oh, big deal. So I'm not a Calvin Klein underwear model, okay? Maybe I'm doing

it on purpose.

Maybe I'm trying not to confuse homosexuals.

Look, you can't date her and you can't go to the party. There's no nice way to

say this.

No fatties allowed.

Oh, my mother says I'm robust, but, uh... Point taken.

So how many women are going to be at this party?

I don't know, 60, 70.

And they all want to get married?

Ready and willing.

Oh, this sucks. Come on.

How much weight do I have to lose to get to the party?

I don't know, 20, 25 pounds, but it doesn't matter because the party's in

weeks. I don't care.

I got to do this, man. I have a lot of money tied up in this wedding. I bought

ring, I rented a hall. I'll be up 5 ,000 bucks if I don't get married.

And you want to find your true love, right?

Yeah, yes, true love. Jeez, it's like I'm married already.

the bacon cheeseburger.

Yum. Oh,

you got fries. I love you.

Drew,

you sure you don't mind us eating this in front of you? I mean, with your diet

and all? Oh, no. Don't worry about me.

I have a lean choice beef banquet.

Only 350 calories.

That's a banquet?

I floss more out of my teeth at night.

it's very satisfying.

Mmm.

Now, that's what I call steamed cauliflower.

I think you're being a little bit selfish.

I mean, sure, you're going to lose weight, but think about all the people

hurting. Like who?

Oh, the butcher, the baker, the chili dog maker.

Hey, laugh at me if you want, okay? But it's working. I've never felt better in

my life. How much weight have you lost? I don't know. I read you're not supposed

to weigh yourself every day, so you don't obsess over every little pound.

So I figure about 8, 10 pounds.

Well... It's been a week, right? Why don't we find out? I'll get the scale.

Gotta admit, you do look healthier, Drew.

You know, you inspired me. I'm gonna start taking care of myself, too. Every

morning, and I mean every morning, I'm gonna jog five miles down by the lake.

It's 20 degrees out.

Well, that's right.

It must be off because it's on the rug. Oh, yeah.

Very sensitive. Would it be even?

I don't know. Maybe it's not zeroed out. Yeah, sure. Yeah.

That's weird. I have exactly the opposite problem. No matter how much I

just goes to my big, giant butt.

Gerald, sometimes it takes a while for your metabolism to adjust.

I don't have all the time. I only have a week. Larry's party's in a week.

Oh, my God, I have to lift 20 pounds in a week.

Hey, you know what?

They got this new pill down at Drug Co., and the FDA hasn't approved it yet, but

I could get you some. It shrinks your stomach.

How come it isn't approved?

Well, shrinks a couple other things, too.

No, I have to do drastic measures. You know, I've been eating 1 ,000 calories a

day. I just have to cut it down to 500.

You're going to start exercising?

Please. I don't have time for your New Age nonsense.

Why are you eating a coaster?

It's not a coaster. It's a rife cake.

No, I'm pretty sure it's a coaster.

Listen here. You listen to me.

This is a fat -free, unsalted, unflavored rice cake.

Okay. My mistake.

Sorry. Not a coaster.

So, why are you eating like this anyway?

None of your business.

Trying to lose weight for one of Larry Singles' mixers.

Oh, no. You're buying into that crap, too.

What crap?

a bag of skin and bones to be hot.

Everybody wants to look like a 12 -year -old boy, men and women.

Hey, Hillbilly, um... When you're done achon, tabacky, and conjugating the verb

ain't, you may copy that for me.

Take the trailer here.

No boobies, no hips, no ass. She looks like Iggy freakin' Pop.

Don't be insulted. I'm just using you as an example of everything that's wrong

in our society.

I mean, excuse me for wanting to look like a woman.

I'm just saying, not married, married.

Bitter, happy, not getting any.

Neighbors once called the police because she thought my husband was killing me.

Okay, I am a young, Ivy League -educated professional.

I can have any guy I want.

Then why are you so miserable and lonely?

Uh, because I... have no boobies, hips, or ass.

Hey, everybody. It's Evan's birthday today, so we're gonna have a little

Wow. I can't believe my little brother's 25 today.

Do you remember your 25th birthday, Drew?

Yeah. I was, uh... I was working on the same building, as a matter of fact. I

was on this floor.

I was wearing a...

suit just like this, except I wasn't sitting here.

I was sitting here.

Oh, God, I want to blow my brains out.

Pretty nice, huh, Drew?

Yeah.

What kind of cake is it?

Actually, it's three kinds of cake.

This part right here is devil's food cake. Right in the middle is peppermint

cream. And this side over here is pretty much just solid fudge.

Good thing I'm filled up on dried rice and soy gluten.

Hey, everybody.

Surprise!

I knew it, you bastard. You're forcing me out.

No, it's your birthday. Check out the cake, little brother.

Not for me, Tank.

Nothing tastes as good as being thin -feeled.

Oh, wow.

This is amazing.

Oh, my God.

This is so smooth, so rich. Drew, you're going to try a piece of this. No, thank

you. Oh, come on. One little bite's not going to hurt.

No, thank you.

If I put the weapon down, can I get a week off?

Hey, look at you, Mr.

Slim. Yeah, looks like it really paid off.

A week of nothing but ice chips and black coffee, two hours of aerobics and

sweaty rubber suit every day.

For a guy who should be dead, you look great.

I don't understand why you wouldn't at least eat some vegetables.

I can't eat vegetables. They're covered in cheese.

They have to be. No, they have to be.

Well, good luck, handsome.

Is that a girdle?

No, it's a gentleman's abdominal restraint system.

Well, whatever it is, Toots, it's giving you a killer rack.

you think with the weakest starvation and all the dangerous exercise and this

tight girdle, I'd be miserable, but I've never felt better in my... life.

What was that?

Oh, every once in a while I go blind for a few seconds.

Well, I'm off to find the future Mr. Carey.

Wish me luck.

You okay?

Yeah, fine. Do you guys see a turkey?

No, I'm drunk.

Hey, have a good night, okay? Have a good time. Good luck, okay?

Hey,

Larry. Carrie!

Ah, I wasn't sure if I was going to see you here.

Looks like you lost a few pounds.

Yep, I lost 12 pounds to be exact.

And that's just the beginning. I'm only days away from my organs shutting down.

That's when the real weight loss comes.

Well, 12 pounds is good, but I'm not sure it's enough.

Hey, Amy.

Hi. See ya.

Come on. She smiled at me. That ought to be enough.

Come on, Larry. Let me in.

Please don't make me marry a hooker.

wants that. Now, here's the thing.

Karen, Joanne, and Lacey have really low self -esteem.

I'd start with them.

Lacey! Bingo!

What does that mean?

Oh, uh, I knew a girl in high school named Lacey Bingo.

Yep, that was her name -o.

Is it just me, or are these people way too into their bodies? I mean,

showing off their best parts.

Yeah, it is pathetic.

By the way, do I have anything on my butt?

No, everything looks good from here.

I wasn't fishing for that, but thanks.

Oh, my God, those look delicious.

Do you mind if I finish them off? I'm starving. I haven't eaten since lunch.

Oh, you poor thing. Please, enjoy them both right in front of me.

So, I just got back from a job interview in New York.

They like me, but I can't decide what to do. I mean, I'd have to do all this

traveling. I'd have to commute from Cleveland to New York, back and forth

back and forth. Plus, my parents live in San Francisco, and I go there at least

once a month, so I'd be doing all this traveling.

Yeah, it looks like you have some cheesy, delicious choices on your hand.

Well, this is too rich.

What are you doing? No!

I said the bacon waster.

Hey, listen, do you have any more of those cheese and bacon hors d 'oeuvres

left? I'm sorry, sir. We stopped serving hors d 'oeuvres. The dinner should be

out any minute.

Okay, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Listen, here's my card. I want you to call me. My cell phone number's right on

there. And I want to meet you by the kid's door when it's ready, okay?

Hey. Hey.

Aren't you the guy I saw in Larry's office a couple of weeks ago?

Yeah. Hi, I'm Drew.

I'm Dizzy.

Fun party, huh?

Yeah. I must have had like ten of those hors d 'oeuvres.

Yeah, they're going to call me when dinner's ready.

You're kind of cute, and I'm wondering why Larry never fixed us up.

Beats me. I wish he had fixed us up.

I'd really like to find out all about you. Yeah, well, I, uh... Hey,

you know, uh, dinner's ready. Do you mind if we just...

I'll see anything.

Oh,

it must be a trick of the light. You know, sometimes shadows look like a

turkey dinner with all the trimmings.

Boy, you must be hungry.

No, I'm fine. So tell me a little bit about yourself.

Okay, well, I have a little bookstore downtown, and, you know, I don't make a

lot of money, but it's really kind of fun, you know.

Do you like to read? I mean, because reading... Um,

are you okay, Drew?

Yeah, yeah, I'm listening.

Bookstore. So tell me, what kind of food do you serve at this bookstore?

Actually, we don't. I actually, well, I could.

I could serve, I could serve chocolate and condiments.

Thank you.

If you're not rich, you gotta give the ladies something.

You feeling better, Joe? Yeah.

Any more hallucinations?

No, I'm okay.

Thank God.

I've made a decision.

I'm calling off the wedding.

What?

Yep. I don't care how much it costs me. This whole finding a wife and trying to

get married thing is just a stupid idea.

No, it's not. It's a dream. There's nothing stupid about a dream.

For as long as I've known you, you've wanted to find a wife.

So? Don't give up now. You have to have faith, Drew Carey.

Well, what if I wasn't meant to be married?

Shame on you for turning your back on the institution of marriage.

Don't you want to find someone who will always be there for you day in and day

out until you're ready to fake your own death just to get away from the sound of

her voice?

Well, yeah.

Okay. And don't you want someone who will always give you a kind word even

though all you really want is oral sex?

Yeah, I guess I do.

Yeah, huh?

And don't you want someone who'll bear your children and turn them against you

while you're at work?

Yes. Yes, I do.

Okay, and don't you want someone to go old and deaf and blind with till you can

finally pretend that they aren't even there?

Yeah, that's exactly what I want.

Yeah, well, you put your girdle back on, mister, and get out there and find

yourself a wife.

I'm going to do it.

I'm going to get married. I want the whole ball of crap. There we go.

There's the self -loathing doormat.

What am I going to do? I already tried everything. I tried personal, dating

services.

My cousin Gina's still available.

Did she ever get that thing removed from her face?

That didn't work out so well.

But the bandage is that mare of mystery.

I guess I could try her. She's not a hooker.