All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show s08e15 Turkeyspotting

So, who are you fixing me up with today,
Larry?

Her name is Renee. I think you'll really
like her.

She was in the Navy.

Ooh, permission to come aboard.

Hi, Larry.

Come in, Renee.

Drew, this is Renee. I think you guys
are perfect for each other. Why don't

chat a little, see if there are any
sparks?

Hey, come on in. Renee, that's a
beautiful name. Well, thanks.

So, uh, tell me about yourself.

Well, let's see. I'm 32.

I'm originally from Chicago.

I put animals to sleep.

Oh.

So you, uh, you work at the pound? No,
that's just a hobby.

I declare this a match!

Larry, can I talk to you for a second?
Sure.

What is it? Uh, you need some condoms?

I can't go out with her. She murders
pets.

Hey, she only does it because she gets
blinding headaches when she doesn't.

Intriguing, no?

All right, fine.

Sorry, Renee.

It's not going to work.

Yeah, it's not you. It's me.

You cat -killing freak.

How can you set me up with somebody like
that?

She's the end of the line, Drew.

bottom of the barrel. You've dated every
other possible match in my service.

Hey, Larry.

Sorry to barge in. I was in the
neighborhood and thought I'd say hello.

Suzy, how'd your day go?

Not so good.

Well, I see you're busy.

Guess I'll see you at your next singles
mixer.

Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye.

I thought you were going to fix me up
with everybody. What about her?

You're not really her type.

What do you mean I'm not her type?

Just drop it.

What is she? She got kids?

She older than she looks? She used to be
a dude?

She works out a lot. Fitness and
appearance are really important to her.

certain requirements that guys like us
don't meet.

Oh, big deal. So I'm not a Calvin Klein
underwear model, okay? Maybe I'm doing

it on purpose.

Maybe I'm trying not to confuse
homosexuals.

Look, you can't date her and you can't
go to the party. There's no nice way to

say this.

No fatties allowed.

Oh, my mother says I'm robust, but,
uh... Point taken.

So how many women are going to be at
this party?

I don't know, 60, 70.

And they all want to get married?

Ready and willing.

Oh, this sucks. Come on.

How much weight do I have to lose to get
to the party?

I don't know, 20, 25 pounds, but it
doesn't matter because the party's in

weeks. I don't care.

I got to do this, man. I have a lot of
money tied up in this wedding. I bought

ring, I rented a hall. I'll be up 5 ,000
bucks if I don't get married.

And you want to find your true love,
right?

Yeah, yes, true love. Jeez, it's like
I'm married already.

the bacon cheeseburger.

Yum. Oh,

you got fries. I love you.

Drew,

you sure you don't mind us eating this
in front of you? I mean, with your diet

and all? Oh, no. Don't worry about me.

I have a lean choice beef banquet.

Only 350 calories.

That's a banquet?

I floss more out of my teeth at night.

it's very satisfying.

Mmm.

Now, that's what I call steamed
cauliflower.

I think you're being a little bit
selfish.

I mean, sure, you're going to lose
weight, but think about all the people

hurting. Like who?

Oh, the butcher, the baker, the chili
dog maker.

Hey, laugh at me if you want, okay? But
it's working. I've never felt better in

my life. How much weight have you lost?
I don't know. I read you're not supposed

to weigh yourself every day, so you
don't obsess over every little pound.

So I figure about 8, 10 pounds.

Well... It's been a week, right? Why
don't we find out? I'll get the scale.

Gotta admit, you do look healthier,
Drew.

You know, you inspired me. I'm gonna
start taking care of myself, too. Every

morning, and I mean every morning, I'm
gonna jog five miles down by the lake.

It's 20 degrees out.

Well, that's right.

It must be off because it's on the rug.
Oh, yeah.

Very sensitive. Would it be even?

I don't know. Maybe it's not zeroed out.
Yeah, sure. Yeah.

That's weird. I have exactly the
opposite problem. No matter how much I

just goes to my big, giant butt.

Gerald, sometimes it takes a while for
your metabolism to adjust.

I don't have all the time. I only have a
week. Larry's party's in a week.

Oh, my God, I have to lift 20 pounds in
a week.

Hey, you know what?

They got this new pill down at Drug Co.,
and the FDA hasn't approved it yet, but

I could get you some. It shrinks your
stomach.

How come it isn't approved?

Well, shrinks a couple other things,
too.

No, I have to do drastic measures. You
know, I've been eating 1 ,000 calories a

day. I just have to cut it down to 500.

You're going to start exercising?

Please. I don't have time for your New
Age nonsense.

Why are you eating a coaster?

It's not a coaster. It's a rife cake.

No, I'm pretty sure it's a coaster.

Listen here. You listen to me.

This is a fat -free, unsalted,
unflavored rice cake.

Okay. My mistake.

Sorry. Not a coaster.

So, why are you eating like this anyway?

None of your business.

Trying to lose weight for one of Larry
Singles' mixers.

Oh, no. You're buying into that crap,
too.

What crap?

a bag of skin and bones to be hot.

Everybody wants to look like a 12 -year
-old boy, men and women.

Hey, Hillbilly, um... When you're done
achon, tabacky, and conjugating the verb

ain't, you may copy that for me.

Take the trailer here.

No boobies, no hips, no ass. She looks
like Iggy freakin' Pop.

Don't be insulted. I'm just using you as
an example of everything that's wrong

in our society.

I mean, excuse me for wanting to look
like a woman.

I'm just saying, not married, married.

Bitter, happy, not getting any.

Neighbors once called the police because
she thought my husband was killing me.

Okay, I am a young, Ivy League -educated
professional.

I can have any guy I want.

Then why are you so miserable and
lonely?

Uh, because I... have no boobies, hips,
or ass.

Hey, everybody. It's Evan's birthday
today, so we're gonna have a little

Wow. I can't believe my little brother's
25 today.

Do you remember your 25th birthday,
Drew?

Yeah. I was, uh... I was working on the
same building, as a matter of fact. I

was on this floor.

I was wearing a...

suit just like this, except I wasn't
sitting here.

I was sitting here.

Oh, God, I want to blow my brains out.

Pretty nice, huh, Drew?

Yeah.

What kind of cake is it?

Actually, it's three kinds of cake.

This part right here is devil's food
cake. Right in the middle is peppermint

cream. And this side over here is pretty
much just solid fudge.

Good thing I'm filled up on dried rice
and soy gluten.

Hey, everybody.

Surprise!

I knew it, you bastard. You're forcing
me out.

No, it's your birthday. Check out the
cake, little brother.

Not for me, Tank.

Nothing tastes as good as being thin
-feeled.

Oh, wow.

This is amazing.

Oh, my God.

This is so smooth, so rich. Drew, you're
going to try a piece of this. No, thank

you. Oh, come on. One little bite's not
going to hurt.

No, thank you.

If I put the weapon down, can I get a
week off?

Hey, look at you, Mr.

Slim. Yeah, looks like it really paid
off.

A week of nothing but ice chips and
black coffee, two hours of aerobics and

sweaty rubber suit every day.

For a guy who should be dead, you look
great.

I don't understand why you wouldn't at
least eat some vegetables.

I can't eat vegetables. They're covered
in cheese.

They have to be. No, they have to be.

Well, good luck, handsome.

Is that a girdle?

No, it's a gentleman's abdominal
restraint system.

Well, whatever it is, Toots, it's giving
you a killer rack.

you think with the weakest starvation
and all the dangerous exercise and this

tight girdle, I'd be miserable, but I've
never felt better in my... life.

What was that?

Oh, every once in a while I go blind for
a few seconds.

Well, I'm off to find the future Mr.
Carey.

Wish me luck.

You okay?

Yeah, fine. Do you guys see a turkey?

No, I'm drunk.

Hey, have a good night, okay? Have a
good time. Good luck, okay?

Hey,

Larry. Carrie!

Ah, I wasn't sure if I was going to see
you here.

Looks like you lost a few pounds.

Yep, I lost 12 pounds to be exact.

And that's just the beginning. I'm only
days away from my organs shutting down.

That's when the real weight loss comes.

Well, 12 pounds is good, but I'm not
sure it's enough.

Hey, Amy.

Hi. See ya.

Come on. She smiled at me. That ought to
be enough.

Come on, Larry. Let me in.

Please don't make me marry a hooker.

wants that. Now, here's the thing.

Karen, Joanne, and Lacey have really low
self -esteem.

I'd start with them.

Lacey! Bingo!

What does that mean?

Oh, uh, I knew a girl in high school
named Lacey Bingo.

Yep, that was her name -o.

Is it just me, or are these people way
too into their bodies? I mean,

showing off their best parts.

Yeah, it is pathetic.

By the way, do I have anything on my
butt?

No, everything looks good from here.

I wasn't fishing for that, but thanks.

Oh, my God, those look delicious.

Do you mind if I finish them off? I'm
starving. I haven't eaten since lunch.

Oh, you poor thing. Please, enjoy them
both right in front of me.

So, I just got back from a job interview
in New York.

They like me, but I can't decide what to
do. I mean, I'd have to do all this

traveling. I'd have to commute from
Cleveland to New York, back and forth

back and forth. Plus, my parents live in
San Francisco, and I go there at least

once a month, so I'd be doing all this
traveling.

Yeah, it looks like you have some
cheesy, delicious choices on your hand.

Well, this is too rich.

What are you doing? No!

I said the bacon waster.

Hey, listen, do you have any more of
those cheese and bacon hors d 'oeuvres

left? I'm sorry, sir. We stopped serving
hors d 'oeuvres. The dinner should be

out any minute.

Okay, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait.

Listen, here's my card. I want you to
call me. My cell phone number's right on

there. And I want to meet you by the
kid's door when it's ready, okay?

Hey. Hey.

Aren't you the guy I saw in Larry's
office a couple of weeks ago?

Yeah. Hi, I'm Drew.

I'm Dizzy.

Fun party, huh?

Yeah. I must have had like ten of those
hors d 'oeuvres.

Yeah, they're going to call me when
dinner's ready.

You're kind of cute, and I'm wondering
why Larry never fixed us up.

Beats me. I wish he had fixed us up.

I'd really like to find out all about
you. Yeah, well, I, uh... Hey,

you know, uh, dinner's ready. Do you
mind if we just...

I'll see anything.

Oh,

it must be a trick of the light. You
know, sometimes shadows look like a

turkey dinner with all the trimmings.

Boy, you must be hungry.

No, I'm fine. So tell me a little bit
about yourself.

Okay, well, I have a little bookstore
downtown, and, you know, I don't make a

lot of money, but it's really kind of
fun, you know.

Do you like to read? I mean, because
reading... Um,

are you okay, Drew?

Yeah, yeah, I'm listening.

Bookstore. So tell me, what kind of food
do you serve at this bookstore?

Actually, we don't. I actually, well, I
could.

I could serve, I could serve chocolate
and condiments.

Thank you.

If you're not rich, you gotta give the
ladies something.

You feeling better, Joe? Yeah.

Any more hallucinations?

No, I'm okay.

Thank God.

I've made a decision.

I'm calling off the wedding.

What?

Yep. I don't care how much it costs me.
This whole finding a wife and trying to

get married thing is just a stupid idea.

No, it's not. It's a dream. There's
nothing stupid about a dream.

For as long as I've known you, you've
wanted to find a wife.

So? Don't give up now. You have to have
faith, Drew Carey.

Well, what if I wasn't meant to be
married?

Shame on you for turning your back on
the institution of marriage.

Don't you want to find someone who will
always be there for you day in and day

out until you're ready to fake your own
death just to get away from the sound of

her voice?

Well, yeah.

Okay. And don't you want someone who
will always give you a kind word even

though all you really want is oral sex?

Yeah, I guess I do.

Yeah, huh?

And don't you want someone who'll bear
your children and turn them against you

while you're at work?

Yes. Yes, I do.

Okay, and don't you want someone to go
old and deaf and blind with till you can

finally pretend that they aren't even
there?

Yeah, that's exactly what I want.

Yeah, well, you put your girdle back on,
mister, and get out there and find

yourself a wife.

I'm going to do it.

I'm going to get married. I want the
whole ball of crap. There we go.

There's the self -loathing doormat.

What am I going to do? I already tried
everything. I tried personal, dating

services.

My cousin Gina's still available.

Did she ever get that thing removed from
her face?

That didn't work out so well.

But the bandage is that mare of mystery.

I guess I could try her. She's not a
hooker.