Original subtitles

So, trailer, you in on the Super Bowl pool?

Do you know what I'll be doing on Super Bowl Sunday, Mimi?

I'm going to read Madame Bovary in the original French.

I never met anyone who would better be served by an hour of rough biker sex.

Yeah, I guess all that reading and education was just a waste of time. I

what'd it get me?

Oh, that's right, five times your salary.

Now pick up my pen.

I'm not picking that up. You were chewing on it. Before that, I dunked it

toilet.

Mimi. Pig.

Hey, did you ever have one of those mornings where no matter how much coffee

drink, you just can't wake up?

Ah!

Woo! That did it.

I might have to look at you again this afternoon, because I get a little draggy

around three.

Hey, everybody, we've got some great news.

We decided to spend this year's entire advertising budget on one 60 -second

commercial during the Super Bowl.

You guys make kissing your ass a real uphill battle. You know that?

Well, I think it's a great idea.

You know, a billion people watch the Super Bowl. They all love the

Exactly. A veggie burger company tried it a few years ago, and their sales went

through the roof.

Yeah, you know, I bought a box of those myself.

Yeah, I was going to use them for dog treats, but the dog wouldn't go near

Anyway, we hired an ad agency to come up with a great idea, and they tell us

they have. And since you're all part of the team, we want you to see it, too.

So, we turn the stage over to Derek and Evelyn from the Mind Changer Agency.

Hi, everybody.

When we talked about what we wanted to say about Neverending Store, we came up

with the idea...

of infinite possibilities.

Evelyn?

Our commercial begins with a beautiful woman on a white stallion.

They ride through a field and then suddenly the horse takes flight and

space. A never -ending field of stars.

They approach an old man.

on a golden throne.

Luna gets off the horse and says, Who?

What? Where?

Why? And the old man says,

We push in on his open mouth and

emerging from the darkness we see

That was a good one.

Why don't you guys like it?

Well, for one thing, a regular guy watching the Super Bowl is going to be

drinking a beer. He's not going to be tripping on mushrooms.

Okay, every man, what would you like to see? A bikini model with

neverendingstore .com written across her chest?

Yeah, well, you know, there's a reason that Sports Illustrated doesn't have an

old man screaming issue.

Excuse me, who's there?

of the third largest advertising agency in Cleveland?

My dad.

Well, look, everybody does these big, complicated commercials.

If you want to stand out, you've got to do something different, you know, make

it simple.

Like what, Drew?

Oh, I don't know. Just have a guy come out and say, hey, how you doing?

If you're like me, you don't have time to go to the mall. But I found a place

the Internet called NeverEndingStore .com, and it has great stuff at great

prices. They get it to you fast.

You should try it. It makes shopping easy.

You're fired.

You too.

And the horse you rode in on.

Drew, what you just said was perfect.

I mean, it was simple and it was real. And spontaneous.

What if we did the only live commercial on the Super Bowl? Right here in the

office. No special effects, just a simple man and a simple message.

A regular guy. A real guy.

Drew Carey.

No, no way.

No, me in front of a billion people? Forget it. We'll pay you.

No, sorry. Not enough money in the world. $5 ,000.

Hey, what do you know?

There is enough money in the world.

Hi, welcome to Love, Almada Style, the show where Cleveland singles meet.

Our first lonely lady is Joanne.

Tell us about yourself, Joanne.

I'm a flight attendant.

A flight attendant, wow.

I bet you've been all over the world.

No, I do the Cleveland -Cincinnati shuttle.

Back and forth and back and forth, over and over and over.

Unbelievable.

Well, if you would like to meet this first -class lady, call the number

on the screen.

Hey, Larry, I can't get it to flash, man.

Call 555 -0198.

Hey, isn't that the guy who tried to fix Drew up? Yeah, Larry has his own cable

access show. We've seen every one of them. Oh, are you trying to make a love

match? No, he comes on after the Korean motivational speaker.

Did I miss that Korean real estate guy?

Damn it.

He's not a real estate guy. He's a motivational speaker.

No, you've got to watch it all the way through. He's selling knives.

So, Drew, or should I say the $5 ,000 man?

Oh, you heard.

Hey, everybody at the store has heard.

Wow, $5 ,000, man.

Hey, so are you still going to work and stuff?

You know, just to keep your mind busy.

Actually, I wish I didn't have to do the stupid commercial at all, but my bosses

won't let me out of it. What's the matter? Are you a little nervous?

Of course he's nervous. The whole world's going to be watching, and the

of the company's relying on him.

Yeah, plus they don't do so good on TV.

Okay, kids, we're just about ready to go live.

Now remember, always look at the camera with the red light on top of it. And

don't forget...

All your friends and family are going to be watching, so you don't want to let

them down.

I don't want to see any of you wiseasses doing any of this.

Or any of this. Digs?

And we are live in 5, 4, 3, 2... Hello, Cleveland,

and welcome to Junior Academic Challenge. We've got two well -matched

vying for some valuable prizes, so let's get right to it, shall we? Our first

contestant is Drew Carey from Benjamin Franklin Elementary.

What's your favorite subject in school?

No matter how many times I see that, it's always funny.

What did I tell you about that?

Wait a minute. You're actually thinking of giving up $5 ,000 just because you're

scared? You know what?

You have a lot more to lose than just the money, okay? This could really help

you with your female trouble.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about meeting women, huh? You'd be famous. And what's the one

that women like more than money, huh?

Fame? Fame?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, fame.

Well, I hate to admit it, but she's right. I once took my top off.

At an Elton John concert to try to get his attention.

How'd that work out between you and the man in the Marie Antoinette costume?

Shut up.

You know, a lot of women would see it.

Exactly. And just because you faded when you were eight doesn't mean that you're

going to do it now.

I mean, haven't you talked in front of a large group of people since then and

done okay?

Yeah, but it wasn't in front of a bunch of TV cameras and stuff.

Hey, you know what? If you want advice on how to be cool in front of a camera,

you should talk to your friend on TV there.

Yeah, you know, Larry does that show live every week. Something's always

wrong, and nothing ever bothers him. What, Larry?

I don't know.

Track lighting.

That's fascinating.

Coming up next week, Melissa, a former gymnast whose family owns a brewery.

You don't want her to swing by.

Okay.

Being cool on camera is to remember that even if you do something stupid, only 5

,000, 10 ,000 people are going to see it.

Well, a quarter of the world's going to see it if I do something stupid because

my commercial's on during the Super Bowl.

Super Bowl, huh?

Maybe you'd be more comfortable doing it here. I wouldn't charge you a penny to

use my set.

No, I couldn't take advantage of you like that.

Okay, here's a tip.

Look past the camera at the guy standing behind it and talk to him.

That way you're just talking to one guy. Like, you're not nervous talking to me

now, are you?

No. See?

Now, here's my secret weapon. It always helps me relax.

I

do

that all night.

Stress out. I do it right before I go in the air. Try it.

Wow.

That's amazing. I do feel a little more relaxed.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of actors do it. Oh, thanks, man.

From now on, if anybody asks me how I'm so relaxed, I'll tell them it's because

Larry Elmata made me scream into a pillow.

Hey, since you're here, you want to be my first guest? Talk about yourself?

Maybe get a date? Nothing I'd rather do. How do I look?

Like Drew Carey Grant.

Ten seconds, Larry.

In five, four, three, two... Hi, I'm Larry

Almada, and welcome to Love, Almada Style.

Our first guest is a man who's dying to get married, Drew Carey. Drew, tell the

people about yourself.

Ah!

Just step over it.

So the Super Bowl's a week away, huh?

Yeah. Yeah, I think you're ready.

Drew, are you all right? We've got the show at the Warsaw.

Yeah, great.

Was everybody laughing when I fainted? No, no.

Everybody was really worried about you.

Although when you...

got up and crawled away in your belly, one or two people might have laughed a

little.

What the hell happened? You're so relaxed and confident.

Yeah, and then they turned the camera on me. I got all nervous, lightheaded.

I gotta tell my boss that I can't do this stupid commercial.

What about the money?

What about the exposure, huh? Becoming famous?

What about the women?

Oh, yeah.

Women love a man who gets the vapors.

Well, that's because I haven't eaten or slept in days.

You didn't eat all day?

No.

Wait a minute. When you did that kiddie show, did you have anything to eat that

day?

Um, no, no. I was so nervous about doing the show, I didn't eat anything. All I

was doing was drinking black coffee and eating dry toast.

Wait,

you were drinking black coffee when you were eight?

Yeah, well, my mom didn't think that cream and sugar was good for me.

of course you're going to pass out.

Wow. I never thought of that. That makes sense.

Thanks. Thanks a lot.

I hope this works out for you, Carrie.

I know you've had a tough time with your job and the ladies.

You deserve a little good luck.

But sweet, Larry.

Now I'm bursting with sweet, babe. Interested?

Absolutely.

Let's go have sex in a cheap motel room right now.

You guys know her better than me. Do I follow her?

So, Drew, only a couple minutes to halftime. How you doing, buddy?

Pretty good. You guys drunk?

Well, he is, but I'm not. I don't numb myself with alcohol.

He's on anti -anxiety pills.

They're from a doctor.

Drew, have you tried the shrimp? They're delicious.

I know. I've been eating them all day. They're great.

Well, hey, have another one. I don't know. I'm getting kind of full.

What are you, trying to fit in your prom dress? Eat one.

Now have a crab cake.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Better safe than sorry. That's right.

Hey, and now have one of these deviled eggs wrapped in bacon.

Oh, man.

I love these. If they had waffles in them, it would be a perfect breakfast.

Save room for the fried cheese balls.

They go down easy because of the grease.

What are you doing here?

I thought you were going to stay home and read Madame Bovary.

Evan and Scott made me come, you know, to support the company.

It's ridiculous watching rich Neanderthals run around playing a stupid

game. No benefit to society. No regard for people's feelings.

Dating impressionable high school girls and then just going off to play for the

Philadelphia Eagles and never calling me again after I get... you my innocence.

So, fan of the pigskin, huh?

Drew, have another stuffed mushroom cap.

Why not?

Okay, this is it. Let's get him in a position.

Okay, everybody.

30 seconds. Stay here.

Here we go.

Good luck, man. How you feeling?

I'm full, but I feel pretty good. Okay. Pete, one last pepperoni nugget?

Nah, they're not. Oh, hey.

For luck.

And we're going in five, four, three, two...

These things happen.

Jeez,

you better stop sooner. We're going to have to gather two of every animal.

Well, two seconds to go and he's still on his feet. At least he can say he went

the distance without fainting.

Oh, this I got to hear.

You missed the halftime show.

Drew, cheer up.

Hey, how many people wake up knowing that today is going to be better than

yesterday?

Not many, but you do, Mr. Lucky.

I envy you.

You know, this has got to be some kind of record.

I ruined my life in 60 seconds.

The store's going to go out of business.

No woman wants anything to do with me now.

Come on, don't feel bad. Hey, you know what? You did a great service for

America's teenage girls, huh?

Word on the street is bulimia is no longer cool.

Oh, hey, Drew.

Mimi told us we could find you here.

Oh, yeah, this is where I throw up non -professionally.

We just came by to give you your check.

I still get the five grand?

Oh, yeah, we put a video of you vomiting on the website.

We got 100 ,000 hits just today. Almost shut down our server.

Yeah, people are already saying that puking Drew is going to be more popular

than a dancing baby.

Yeah, we got our name out there big time, and that's exactly what we wanted.

Thanks, Drew.

Hey, listen, not for nothing, but this check's only for $4 ,700.

Yeah, we had to give the janitor an extra $300.

The important thing is the commercial was a big hit.

Drinks are on us.

Excuse me. Hi.

Aren't you the guy who threw up during the Super Bowl?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well, I knew this was coming. Yes.

I'm the guy who threw up during the Super Bowl.

really didn't mean to upset you. I just, um, I don't know. I never met anybody

famous before, so I was wondering if you, uh, wanted to dance or something.

Yeah, yeah. You want to hang out with me because I'm famous.

You don't care what I'm famous for.

You don't care if I did anything good, if I did anything bad.

You're on TV.

You know, I like the way you think.

You know what?

You're so down to earth, too.

I knew you would be.

Well, you know, I try to keep it real.

I

never

thought anyone who

better deserved. I just couldn't laugh.

Before that, I dunked it in the toilet.