All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show s08e13 Drew Takes A Guilt Trip

As we'll pass through this nursing test,
you're going to be a 40 -year -old man

living with a male nurse.

I knew people would be pointing that
out, so I prepared a little speech.

Go to hell.

Sounds like the same speech you gave at
your grandmother's funeral.

Hey, guys. I'm sorry I'm late, but I had
a really rough day at the bar.

Who cares, man? You smell great. What is
that?

Pizza, beer, and bacon grease.

Oh, it's intoxicating.

I used to get a lot of compliments on
how I smelled, but you can't wear

to drug co anymore.

Drives the female apes crazy.

And this one ape named Christopher.

Hey, you know, maybe we should get out
of the bar.

The store's going online in a couple
weeks. Maybe I could put in a word for

down there. Really?

What's the job?

Well, it's doing inventory control. I'll
be down at the shipping department.

Mm -hmm.

Bloating back? No.

You got anything for a hand model, a
princess or something?

Oh, I blew it.

I failed the nursing test.

Oh, sorry, buddy. Well, also, you can
take that test again.

Oh, what's the point? It was multiple
choice. I got 11 right out of 100.

Teacher said I would have done better if
I'd spread bird seed on the test.

Let a chicken peck at it.

You don't be so hard on yourself, man.
Why not?

You know, I never should have quit my
delivery job.

I'm a big loser.

Hey, look, I don't know if this will
make you feel any better, but smell

I don't deserve to smell Kelly.

Oswald, you are not a loser. You are
going to find something better.

Hey, True, what about the job at your
store that you just offered me?

Gotcha. There's no job down at the
store.

I can't believe she fell for the old job
of my store routine.

You need five on that, Louie. Give me
some skin.

There's a job at a never -ending store?

You wouldn't want to do it. It's at the
loading dock. You've got to work with

computers and do paperwork and buttons
and stuff.

Drew, if you think I'm too dumb for the
job, why don't you just tell me?

Okay, I'm not supposed to tell anybody
this, but the loading dock is haunted.

Oswald, I tried to find you something at
the Warsaw, but they just don't need

anyone right now.

Yeah, clean with drug cove. Sorry,
buddy.

Thanks. At least you two think I'm worth
recommending.

I'm gonna go get drunk.

Lewis, you were right. The world is a
steaming pile of disappointment and

despair.

Oh, that's flattering. He remembered my
speech from my niece's christening.

I couldn't have recommended him for that
job. He would screw everything up and

I'd get fired. Come on, what?

You know, Drew, if you're going to be
the selfish jerk in the group, I'm not

quite sure what my job is.

Don't worry, Drew.

Oswald's going to be fine. He's going to
find something great, and you can stop

feeling so guilty.

Okay, kid, I'm starting you out working
the graveyard shift.

Here's your key.

You're back. You're rubbing alcohol on
your cards.

If you're still with us in two months,
I'll move you to the day shift.

You mean if I don't quit, right?

Okay, sure.

Hey, I just wanted to thank you. You
know, I've been having a really hard

I failed the nursing test. No!

Don't tell me anything personal. I don't
want to get attached.

the drain.

Excuse me, Mimi, I need to shred this.

I was here first.

Yeah, but I'm more important to the
company.

And why do you need to make more white
trash anyway? You already have a kid.

I'm sorry, Traylor, you shred first.

By the way, funny joke about my son.

Me, I like physical humor.

There's always some daredevil who thinks
they're too cool for safety.

I have had it. She tried to strangle me.

I quit.

What? Trailer, our website's getting
ready to go live. You can't quit.

Well, watch me. I refuse to work anymore
with Mrs. H .R. Puffin stuff here.

Well, thank goodness that ill wind blew
out of town.

Dude who's not afraid to smell like a
man.

Mimi, she was our best designer. We
can't go online without her.

I want you to apologize and get her
back.

You can't apologize to her.

We need her. A lot more than we need
you.

Do it or you're fired.

But everybody hates her.

I'm just the only one with sense enough
to try and kill her.

Lewis, what are you doing here?

Oswald lied. He's not working the
graveyard shift at the fish market. I

down there last night. They never heard
of him.

Why would he lie about being a
fishmonger?

I don't know.

The prestige?

Well, what do you want to do? Follow him
around between midnight and eight, see

what he's doing?

That's a good idea, because if he's
doing what I think he's doing, it could

ugly. What do you think he's doing?

Fighting wild animals in a pit for the
amusement of rich people.

Well, if that's the case, we better get
down and find out what he's up to right

now.

Hey, can I have these? I got a bag of
arms at home.

Oswald, couldn't you find something a
little nicer than this?

No, this isn't the best I could do, but
it's got its perks.

Every night, some nice family puts fresh
flowers in a candle right out there on

the sidewalk.

Oswald, you can't work here. I mean, we
all want to die surrounded by liquor

bottles, but I don't like this.

That's okay. I know how you feel about
recommending me for a job.

Okay, I changed my mind. I'll talk to
the boss this first thing in the

Oh, thanks, Drew.

Blame him. If I was sporting that, I
wouldn't wear any pants either.

Okay, now let's go over it one more
time. What do you do if the main

belt jams?

Right. I shut the system down at the
main breaker. Yes.

Reboot the terminal. Right. And if that
doesn't work, then I clear the system by

hand. Hey, that's good. That's really
good.

Feeling better about recommending me for
the job?

Yeah, I think you might have a feature
here. As a matter of fact, I think the

next time you see a bum's penis, it'll
be because you want to.

Hey! Congratulations, Oswald, on your
new job.

Balloons! And lunch, too. Thanks, guys.

Don't you look handsome in your great
jumpsuit.

Yeah, I like it, too. It saves me a half
hour laying out of clothes every night.

Hey, what's this?

It's a barcode scanner. It's a brain for
the whole operation.

It reads every package and routes it off
the main belt to its proper

destination. Yeah?

Sounds like the barcode scanner isn't
the only thing with brains around here,

huh?

What do you mean?

Nothing, man.

my balloons.

Hey, why don't you guys set up lunch in
the break room and I'll get the balloons

before they jam up the fan.

You're so conscientious.

Hey, any excuse to ride in the lift -me
-up machine?

Oh, look at him chasing that balloon.

It's so cute.

He'd be a lot cuter if he wasn't 40
years old.

People just need a little extra help.
And if he didn't have his friends

after him, who knows where he'd wind up.

Well, when we first met him, he ate bugs
for money. So maybe you can go back to

that.

Stu, I don't know if you believe in
karma, but getting Oswald this job was a

wonderful thing.

And I think it's going to come back to
you.

up as with a fire.

Oh, my God, what happened?

I was chasing my balloons.

Wow, they're really beautiful. I can see
why you worked so hard to get them

back.

Drew, can we talk to you for a minute?

The guy you recommended just destroyed
the most important piece of equipment in

the warehouse, which we needed if the
site's gonna go live on Monday.

I hear what you're saying. Hey, strike
one.

I'm really sorry, Drew.

It's okay.

Look, he's my friend. I'll fire him.

I understand.

I enjoy firing my friends, too.

I blew it, right? I'm a big loser,
right?

Look, this is going to be really hard.

What'd they say?

They said...

to please not break the barcode machine
again.

Hey, go get him, slugger.

Hey, so, um, did you do it? Did you fire
him?

No. You try looking at those big brown
eyes and telling me he screwed up again.

You know what you mean.

I still haven't had the heart. to tell
him that Hogan wasn't a hero. He was a

pervert.

Drew, what are you going to do if your
bosses find out that you didn't fire

You could get fired.

I know.

We've got to do something fast. They
seem to work tomorrow. It's all over.

If only your bosses knew Oswald like we
know him. I bet they'd give him a second

chance. Yeah, you know, one of them's
pretty nice. I bet if we convinced him,

they'd give him his job back.

Yeah. Maybe, hey, maybe you should just
show him Oswald's old scrapbook.

Baby pictures.

Baby pictures?

Mom, we've got to come up with something
better than that.

And here he is at one hour old.

Ten pounds, three ounces. One of the
biggest preemies I've ever seen.

Poor mom. They had to gut her like a
bass just to get that big one.

I know what you're doing. I know what
you're doing. You're trying to make me

care about him, so we'll take him back.
Well, it's not going to work.

Tiny.

I wanted to apologize.

I went over the line at work.

Maybe you just broke into my house.
Well, one thing at a time.

It was inappropriate and unprofessional
for me to try to run your head through

the paper shredder.

Now, please come back to work.

Forget it. I start my new job today.

Trailer, please.

I drove here in a snowstorm to beg you
to do this.

If you don't come back to work, I'll get
fired.

I'm a single mother. I need this job.

Oh, my icy heart has just been thawed by
the mention of a child. Hug me.

Fine.

That was my last shot.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

My husband left me. I can't afford to
raise a kid without a job.

It seems as if I'm worth more dead than
alive.

Oh, my God!

Okay.

Do me a favor.

Blow my head off.

fingerprints on a gun.

I'm going to blow out the windows on a
cop car.

Then I'm going to toss it.

You know, I'm going to let them tell you
where when they come for you.

Wasn't sure if this was going to work,
so I had a backup.

My God.

Isn't he standing over my bed while I'm
asleep?

Yeah.

Seriously, get new locks.

This little angel grew up without a
father?

You are breaking my heart.

Yeah. He was forced to be the man of the
house at a very young age.

When his father went to jail?

All he left him was alone.

Alone.

And that ain't right.

What's going on here?

We have got to bring Oswald Harvey back.

He is a man -child who got a raw deal in
life and he deserves a second chance.

He's a man -child that nearly ruined our
business.

But look at him on the pony.

Good. He's still fired.

You know why? Because we're running a
business and tough decisions have to be

made. Oswald Harvey is fired and he's
staying fired.

Morning, everybody.

It's cold out there.

It's nice to have a warm place to go to
work.

What are you looking at?

Listen, Oswald, they fired yesterday. I
didn't have the heart to tell you.

I was fired yesterday?

Wait a minute. Is this about...

Breaking the barcode scanner?

Yeah, we were showing them old pictures
of you so they'd feel bad and give you

your job back.

Why didn't you just tell me the truth?

Because we knew it would be a big thing
for you to want to hurt your feelings.

Oh, my God.

My friends treat me like a child.

I'm the most pathetic man that ever
lived.

You're not.

Yes, I am. You guys have been protecting
me all my life. Well, it's time that I

solve my own problems.

Excuse me?

I just got this order to pick up the new
barcode scanner on Wycliffe. Uh, yeah,

Global Parceler won't deliver because of
the blizzard. So we need it now or we

can't go live on Monday. I'm not going
across town. The roads are all iced

You have to.

Not if I don't work here.

I quit.

What are we going to do? He's the only
one with a trucker's license.

We better start making calls.

Delivery guy?

Trucker's license?

I think we can help you find a job now.

Haven't you been listening?

I'm not a child. I have to solve my own
problem.

Right, right.

You don't need my help. I need your
help. See, if Scott and Evan don't get

part delivered, I'm going to get fired.

What to do, Oswald?

What to do?

had an idea which will help us both.
Hey, what?

All right, stay with me here.

What if I go pick up that scanner?

You?

I want to hear where he's going with
this.

Yeah,

me. I'm the hero. I save the company and
I get the delivery job.

I don't know, Oswald.

This calls for somebody with a
commercial truck. Wait a second!

You have a commercial license because
you were a delivery man for many years.

Look who finally caught up with me.

Now, you tell Evan and Scott they're
going to get their scanner because

Harvey's on the job.

So, what you're saying is, if you pick
up the part, I can't figure it out.

Well, I've got to hurry. I've got to get
my stuff on.

Boy, it feels good to be an adult.

We're so proud of you.

Foot.

curtain a hatchet and a