Original subtitles

Oh, you know me, I'm the internal expediting analyst, so if I'm not

I'm expediting.

We want to let you know we just fired the other internal expediting analyst.

What? Are you out of your mind?

He's the only one that knows what this job is.

Besides me.

So, before our website goes live, we're going to need you to debug the program,

run the simulation, and then give us a full IEA report.

Right.

IEA report. Internal expediting analyst. Ask me.

We need to report by Friday morning for our investors' meeting.

Right, so I'll give you a report on Friday morning, kind of a general how

store is doing. We're doing good, could be doing better, something everybody can

understand type of thing.

No, we're going to need hard data and statistics about how to make our

system better.

Gee, that sounds awfully dry.

I mean, couldn't I just put it in story form, you know, like the...

Parables, like Jesus used to do?

Friday morning, Drew.

Man, you must be pretty desperate to pay some lady you met on the Internet a

hundred bucks an hour to teach you computer programming.

Got a better idea?

Sure. Find some lady on the Internet, pay her a hundred bucks to have sex with

your friend, Louis.

Hey, Steve.

Hey, how's it going with Mimi?

Well, she won't talk to me.

And she changed all the locks so I can't get in.

But even if I could, it wouldn't matter.

I just can't bring myself to look Mimi in the face anymore.

Time and place. Time and place.

So, Steve, where are you staying now?

Oh, I'm staying at this cheap motel downtown.

Last night I played a little game to find one thing in my room that didn't

like urine. Guess what it was? The toilet.

staying at a place like that, you should be staying right here.

No, if you took me in, Mimi would never let you see your nephew.

Why don't you stay with us?

Really?

Sure, yeah. You cook, you clean, you're like a big bald Mary Poppins.

Thanks, guys.

Hey, let's run by the motel and grab my stuff. Hey,

so Steve, a deer wandered into our yard and walked around for a bit and then it

dropped down dead. Can you show us how to cook it?

Drew, there's some kid here selling something.

No, actually, I'm Grace.

I'm the tutor.

Oh, I was expecting somebody a little older. Come on in.

Hi. Come on in.

I'm Kelly.

Hi. Hi.

I see your son Drew is having trouble learning computer programming.

Actually, I'm Drew.

Oh. Oh, well, I guess it's good to keep your mind active at your age.

Thank you.

How old are you anyway?

16.

Wow. You know, I have to learn all this stuff in two days. You think we can do

it? Okay.

All right, well, have a seat, get comfortable, I've got us something to

Oh, and I can come by tomorrow after school, but not on Friday, because it's

homecoming dance.

The homecoming dance?

You are so lucky!

Look at you.

I didn't go to mine.

You?

But you look like you were one of those mean popular girls who would have pissed

my head in the punch bowl.

That is so sweet.

No, I wasn't popular. The guy I had a crush on didn't even know that I was

alive. But him? Yes.

He still doesn't know.

Oh, well, I guess he's kind of cute.

Yeah, in a retro sort of way.

those big square heads like people used to have.

Okay, well, we've got, uh, O'Doul's, non -alcoholic O'Doul's for the little lady

and extra -alcoholic buzz for the adult.

Get started.

Let's start simple.

Programming code is basically semantics, or commands, and grammar, which is the

order the commands are put in. Understand?

Yeah, I got it.

Okay, now, in C++, you have your source file and your compiler, which converts

your source file into a machine -executable file.

So all you have to do is just open your ride interface, and then you're ready to

build your source file.

Am I moving too fast for you?

No, it's just while you're babbling all that gibberish, I got an idea.

You know, you're never going to learn how to do this if you don't do it

yourself. Look, I don't need a lecture from a 16 -year -old girl, okay? I just

need you to do my job for me.

Hey, Drew.

Who's this?

Oh, hey. Hey, this is my cousin's daughter, Grace. She just came here to

what grown -ups do.

She actually thinks she's debugging an inventory control system. Isn't that

right, Grace?

Very good, Uncle Drew.

Well, maybe if you study real hard, young lady.

One day you can come work for our little company.

Oh, an internet retailer?

I don't think so.

You and your whole business model are so stuck in the 90s. Okay, the future is

in nanotech.

You're dead.

You don't even know it.

Kids.

I think I'll go lie down.

Drew, you could learn how to do this yourself if you just converted the

to Real Basic.

You know, I just want to face the fact that something called Real Basic is too

complicated for me.

Drew, I know you're picking some of this up.

Boy, you've got a lot of junk in here.

Okay, what's this file that says Diane Sawyer, and why does it take up half of

your hard drive?

It's nothing, okay? Just leave it alone.

series of novellas about her.

I put her in dangerous historical situations and I rescue her.

Underwear Mountain's gone.

Oh, man, something smells great.

I think it's just the absence of Underwear Mountain.

It smells more like pork chops. Hey, Steve, you cooking in there?

Hey, guys, dinner will be ready in ten minutes, but I'll have cold beers and

appetizers ready for you in a jiff.

Huh?

I told you this would work, huh?

Flowers, catered food, laundry, huh? Yeah, it's like we died and went to the

hospital.

Yeah. Beautiful.

Oh, don't worry.

I moved your Spider -Man puzzle to your room. Oh, thank God.

I've been trying to finish that thing forever.

He just 6 -12'd my hat.

Now, here are some cold beers.

And... I've made rumaki.

Bam!

Now, I've also...

washed your sheets, and cleaned out your closet.

I just want both of you to be happy.

This relationship's gonna work out.

I don't see why it won't, huh?

Ooh, vegetable soup.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Good.

A tad spicy.

Spicy, huh?

Just a little.

I'm sorry.

I ruined everything.

First my marriage, and now this.

No, no, Steve, look.

No.

No.

It's true what they say.

Unlucky in love.

Unlucky in soup.

That's going to get old fast.

Hello, Richard.

Hey, thanks. Where have you been? I've been waiting forever.

Sorry. I was up all night trying to finish it.

My boyfriend Jake broke up with me.

Oh, that's too bad.

Hey, I made charts and graphs.

Morning, Drew.

Hey, is that your report?

Uh, yeah, yeah.

I even put charts and graphs in it, you know, in case any stupid people look at

it.

Okay, what? You want to talk about it, or... Jake said it's over.

He's going to homecoming without me.

And when I asked him what happened, he just said...

Like you don't know.

Well, what a jerk.

Without Jake, nothing matters.

You know, I might as well just give up.

I might as well just cut off all my hair, never move out of my parents'

and just fall asleep in front of the TV every night.

You know, a lot of people don't consider that giving up.

people consider that a valid lifestyle choice goodbye true oh hey

thanks great i hope it all works out and thanks for everything and hey stay away

from beer it's a gateway drug drew just finished looking at your report

yeah it starts off really good we appreciate your recommendation to

the user interface on the inventory control system well it's just common

but i guess that's in short supply these days

Somewhat concerned about your desire to kiss Jake all over?

What? Only Jake's strong embrace can warm the icy darkness of my soul.

Why, Jake? Why?

I was going to let you be my first.

There's not any charts or graphs about that, is there?

Fix it. We need it tomorrow morning by 10.

Can you believe he's a 40 -year -old gay virgin?

I never doubted it.

Hey. Hey.

Get a hold of Grace yet?

Called her a dozen times. Just now, I think her dad was trying to keep me on

line so he could trace the call.

Well,

I hate to say this, but you might have to find yourself another job, Drew.

What? No.

No, I like this job.

You don't even know what this job is.

Yeah, but I like the people.

I like the benefits. It pays good.

Plus, I heard some people talk about my job the other day.

Apparently, it's creative.

Well, if you want to keep that job, Drew, what do you have to do? You just

to fight for it. Get Grace back with her boyfriend. I'm sure she'll finish that

report for you.

How am I going to do that? All I know about teenage girls is what I learned

eavesdropping at the food court.

to the homecoming dance, right?

Well, we will just take her to the homecoming dance, and I'll figure out a

to get her back with Jake.

Don't you think I'm going to stand out a little bit at the homecoming dance?

I mean, you know, eating high -fiber cereal has put a spring in my step, but,

uh... I don't look 15.

I mean, you know, do I?

Drew, it's homecoming. We're alumni.

All right, all right. I'll do it. Good!

Okay.

So could you ask me?

Ask you what?

Ask me if I want to go to the homecoming dance with you.

Why? Just do it.

Okay, whatever.

You want to go to the homecoming dance?

I'd love to, Drew.

Okay. So the first lesson is free, right?

Yeah. That's 50 bucks an hour. All right. First thing you got... What you

need to know about kung fu is that it's purely defensive art.

All right, come at me.

You're wearing cups, right?

Well, I guarantee you'll remember them next time.

Mimi, what are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

Hey, you're talking.

Well, we'll leave you two to work things out.

Hey, you guys tricked me. You didn't want me to teach you kung fu. Mimi, you

don't know kung fu.

They were going to pay me $50 an hour to kick them in the crotch.

Thanks a lot, Steve. No, wait, Mimi, please, let's talk. If not for me, then

little Gus's sake.

Okay, you've got two minutes.

I hope this works.

I'm sick of his crying and his slightly spicy soup.

Hey.

Here's to getting our house back to normal, huh?

Oh, my God!

Mimi, put that down.

Oh, you whore -blogger!

Oh, my God, they're going to destroy everything we own.

So what? Everything we own is crap.

Except for the karaoke machine.

No!

Mimi, stop before you do something stupid.

talking about.

If you hit him with that, he'll be destroying the most wonderful gifts in

world. The only thing that makes this nine to five work a day life bearable.

Mimi, please, don't throw away something that special, that precious in a moment

of anger.

Well, maybe you're right.

Marriage is a sacred thing.

What?

They're right. What we have is precious. We really should try to work through

this.

Oh. Yeah, that's it, yeah.

You know, Mimi, marriage is a beautiful thing.

When two people have got it... Mr. Marriage someplace else, you animals!

Uh, pommel horse. My old enemy.

Oh, my God, they're straight.

And he's talking to a cheerleader.

Okay.

Here is the plan.

I'll distract the little cheerleader, and you go over there and talk to Jake.

I don't think I can do this.

I think I'm going to throw up.

Okay,

I'm going to go talk to Jake and see what I can do. Okay, just tell him

something like, you know, how important these dances are. If he doesn't go with

the one he loves, he's going to regret it the rest of his life.

True.

Yeah, well, you know, I'm no poet. Just go ahead.

Kelly, I'm Grace's friend.

Hey.

Um, I don't... I don't know why the two of you broke up, but, um, I can tell you

one thing. You are not going to do any better than Grace, okay?

And she really cares about you. You are going to make me the coolest guy in

school. Thank you. Hey, guys!

Hey!

You done? You want to borrow my belt?

Drew, how would you like it if a 16 -year -old girl stuck her tongue down

your... Oh, never mind.

Hey, uh, bud.

I'm not telling you you have to get back with Grace, but I will tell you this.

You're not a good -looking kid.

Drew?

Drew, what are you doing?

Wait a minute.

This is Drew?

This is the guy you've been spending so much time with?

Yeah.

Oh.

Amber said you were hanging out with a senior. I thought she meant a senior in

high school.

Is that why you dumped me? You were jealous?

Yeah, I couldn't believe you'd do something like that to me.

Well, I wouldn't.

I missed you.

I missed you, too.

By the way, I'm not a senior.

I don't know if you kids keep up with the Reader's Digest, but because of

medical advances, 40 is the new 25.

I'll be right back.

Thanks for getting us back together, Drew.

You're welcome.

Hey, listen.

I know this is a lot to ask, but can you come with me and finish that report?

Drew, this is my homecoming down.

I can't do your job forever.

I don't want you to do it forever. Just until I get vested in my pension plan.

This next song goes out to Grace from Jake. Sorry for being jealous of the

creepy old guy in the glasses next to the punch bowl.

The old man.

Down the road.

Great.

Great. Now I'm going to get fired. How come nothing good ever happens to me in

this stupid gym?

Oh, Drew. Who knows what's going to happen? But come on. For now, let's just

have some fun.

That's me today.

What?

Why? Just do it.

All right.

Do you want to dance?

I'd love to, Drew.

my car so you wouldn't have to ride the bus home.

Oh, I'm not taking the bus today. I thought I'd try something different. I'm

going to throw myself in front of it.

What did your bosses say when you told them you couldn't finish the report?

Oh, I did it myself and gave it to them.

I figured I'm going to get fired anyway. I might as well just go through these

books and try to fake it.

Drew, we finished reading your report.

I have to say we are very disappointed.

And?

Well, we understand from the last report that you're still upset about your

boyfriend breaking up with you.

But this is really subpar work, Drew.

So I'm fired?

No, but it's barely adequate at best.

We expect much better work from you in the future.

So what you're saying is I'm a barely adequate internal expediting analyst?

I'm afraid so.

adequate. Pays the same, baby!

Pays the same!

And a one, and a two, and, uh, the boys learned a salsa.

Am I gonna have a volunteer so I can show them moves?

But is Drew hot for teacher or Kelly?

We're not this good.

Drew, you're supposed to push me away now.

Am I what?

I don't think she feels the same way, Drew.

Stranger things have happened. Didn't you see Beauty and the Beast?

Beast had a tassel.

Next week on Drew.

I can't look. It's too sexy. It's too sexy.