Original subtitles

And I wanted to be all you need, but somehow

here it goes.

I know you're out there, I know you're out there, but I can feel

you falling.

I know you're out there, I know you're out there, but somehow here it

goes.

your wedding.

I know. If I hire them, all I need to get is a tux, the caterer, and a bride.

Hey, Drew.

Look at this.

Giant shrimp and tiny corn.

Everything's backwards here.

Hey, man. We don't need the food. We're supposed to be guests of the band. We're

supposed to keep a low profile.

Attention. Attention, ladies and gentlemen.

I'd like to propose a toast to the bride and groom.

Oh, my God. He got into the champagne fountain.

Although I haven't known Bill and...

Let's

just say Bridget for very long.

As I gaze out at their happy young faces, so much in love, so much joy at

prospect of starting a new life together.

I don't want to die alone.

I just want to feel the touch of a woman.

You smell like a woman.

It's okay, man.

All lead singers smell like women.

Well, well, if it isn't Drew Carey. Hey, Larry.

It's been years.

What have you been doing since you left the store? Well, I'm a new man now. I

finally found my calling.

Oh, you make business cards?

Hey. Look who's still dumb.

I'm a matchmaker. I have six employees and an office in the terminal tower, and

I will have you know that Scene Magazine referred to me as one of Cleveland's

many matchmaking services.

So, Carrie, what are you doing here?

Oh, I'm checking out the van for my wedding.

Hey. That's right. I'm making all the arrangements and planning everything,

I just haven't found a wife yet.

Carrie, you are a pathetic loser.

Luckily, that's my bread and butter.

You know what? Maybe it's no accident that we ran into each other.

Tell you what. Let me find you a wife.

Are they as desperate as I am? Because I have to tell you, I found desperation

very unattractive.

Real funny. I have over 200 happily married couples, including this lovely

couple right here.

People pay me $5 ,000 a shot to fix them up.

I can't afford that.

Look, you helped me through some tough times.

Pay me what you can and let me find you the woman that you were meant to be

with. What do you say? You ready to get married, Drew?

Yes. Yes, I am, Larry.

Hey, hey, buddy.

Hey, you got the rest of your lives together. Just give me a couple minutes,

okay?

Well, it's a dot -com company, and for the first time in my life, I'm making

pretty good money.

That's great, but I never really found money to be that important.

Not working. Thanks for coming in.

What are you doing? It was going so well.

Monetary issues are the number one cause of divorce.

I'm sorry, Sheila, but we're raking your eggs down the home stretch, and we

really don't have time to play around.

Okay.

I liked her. She misses the Arch Deluxe, too.

Look, Harry, the reason why I'm so successful is that I watch people

and then I go with my instincts, and my instincts have never been wrong.

Melinda, send in the next date.

Hi. Hi.

Oh, my God, what a disaster. Next.

We'll try again next week, honey.

Melinda, send in the next date.

Hey, Larry. Hey, Robin.

Oh, look, I got you a little souvenir from that singles cruise you sent me on.

See? It's very stylish, and it gives you the illusion of a neck.

Thanks, Robin. That's very thoughtful. See, she's very nurturing, Drew, like a

mom you can have sex with.

I didn't ask for that, I swear. I'm Drew.

I'm Robin. Nice to meet you.

So, Drew, what do you do?

I work in an Internet company, NeverEndingStory .com.

Oh, I don't know the first thing about computers.

That's okay. What do you do for a living?

Oh, I'm a concierge at the Marriott.

Oh, let me ask you something. I'm going to be living in Cleveland the next 30,

40 years. Is there anything I should see while I'm here?

You know, I actually can tell you... I declare this a match!

What, really?

Yeah, yeah, you're perfect for each other. I feel it. I feel it deep down

I feel things.

We barely know each other. No, go.

Go. Go begin your enchanted lives.

A reservation awaits you at Red Lobster.

Hey, want to give it a shot?

Sure. And Red Lobster's perfect because I'm on a seafood diet. Oh, I know that

one. You see food and eat it.

No, actually, fish protein is really good for you.

Oh.

So, you see fish protein and eat it.

Okay.

The date starts now.

Hey, Mimi?

Trailer here says she asked you to go down to the warehouse to get an

keyboard, and you told her you didn't feel like it?

Mimi, you're the office manager.

That's right. It's your job to get things, so I can be creative.

Let me see if I can put this in a way you'll understand.

Me, brains.

And you, feet.

Well, of course, you're right, Traylor. And I'm sorry if I let you down.

It's just been so hard to do my job.

With my marriage crumbling.

You know, don't worry.

I'm going to pull myself together for my little boy.

I have to. I'm all he has now.

It's just... Two of us against the world.

Oh, Mimi.

Hey, it's going to be okay. You know what? You stay right here. Trailer can

her own ergonomic keyboard.

Oh, and while you're down there, maybe you can pick up some of those bookcases

for our office.

What?

Why should I be punished just because her husband got his vision back?

Trailer.

That is inexcusable. You know, I'm tempted to make you come in on set. And

Sunday. And Sunday.

I'll get you for this. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, and while you're down in the warehouse plotting my downfall, could

me a case of Fresca?

Hey, Carrie.

Hey, Larry. What are you doing here?

I was hoping you'd put this on your desk.

I found love with Larry Almada.

I'm sorry, but we're not allowed to keep pictures of loved ones on our desk.

So?

I love you.

So, was I right or was I right? You and Robin are soulmates.

Yeah, well, you know, we've been seeing each other for a couple weeks. She seems

really nice.

Nice? She's... Perfect.

You know what your problem is?

You've been single too long.

You're afraid to make a big change like this.

Hey, listen.

A lot of people my age are set in their ways, but I'm not. I can change any

time. I'll have you know that right now, I'm in the middle of an 18 -month

transition from butter to margarine.

You said you wanted to get married by the end of May, right?

Yeah. Okay, so isn't she gorgeous? Yes. And smart? Yes. And sweet? Yes. Look,

I'm telling you, she's the one, and you just don't see it.

All right, maybe you're right. I should try a little harder.

Hey, Drew.

Hey, Larry. Hey.

Ready?

Wow,

that was nice.

Yeah.

Nice is good, right?

Wow. I hope there are no oily rags anywhere in this office, because you

You are H -O... Bye, Larry.

Goodbye.

Hey, Drew, I know this is late notice, but we need somebody to download the new

software updates. Could you do it tonight?

Oh, tonight's kind of a bad night for me. I have a date.

Oh, hi. Nice to meet you.

Drew's a great guy. We love having him around here.

Do you even speak English?

How much did he pay for you?

What part of Russia are you from?

Don't even worry about it. We'll do the job ourselves.

It'll be fun for us to do something.

Together. As brothers.

What? We do everything together.

We live together, we commute together, we work in the same office together.

We see each other more than those twins joined at the head.

My God, man, what more do you want?

Scott, when you eat sugar, it changes you.

You know, Drew, I think that you should work tonight.

I mean, when a company is new like this, that's your best chance to get ahead.

Yeah, but what about our date?

You know what? Don't worry about that.

I'll go to Antonio's. I'll pick up some pizza.

I'll bring it back here, and we'll have a little picnic here while you work.

It'll be fun.

That sounds great. Hey, you know what? Tomorrow night, here's what I'm going to

do. Candlelight, soft music, and whatever pizza we have left over for

Yeah, well, hey, thanks for calling. I appreciate it.

That was my sponsor thanking me for working late last night.

And you know, I owe it all to you.

That's great.

What you got cooking?

Oh, it's my special chili.

It's a special recipe that's been in the Hormel family for years.

Here.

Try some.

Wow,

that's really nice.

We'll talk about that later.

Shall we?

Wow, Drew, this is beautiful.

I'll tell you what's beautiful.

You.

There you go.

A little something for you.

A little something for me. Well, here to you and me.

To us.

To you and me.

To us. Same difference.

You know, Drew, Larry fixed us up because he knew we were both ready for

something more serious. Uh -huh.

I think I bring out the best in you.

And I know you bring out the best in me.

Look, I know this seems really fast, but it just feels right.

Drew, will you marry me?

would be a fool to say that he wouldn't seriously consider an offer like that.

Hey, Jim, what are you doing out here in the cold?

Oh, uh, Robin proposed to me. Oh, my God!

That is so great.

How did she do it? Where's the ring? Oh, I am...

Actually, I told her I had to think about it.

Well, Drew, I think that's smart. You know, you shouldn't rush into things

this if you're not sure.

Yeah, it's weird. You know, on paper she seemed perfect for me, but there's no,

uh, there's no sparks, you know. I just don't think I'm in love with her.

So?

What do you mean, so?

Look, Drew, I've spent a lot of time in bars. I get out a lot of women. There's

one thing I've learned.

80 % of women are lesbians.

10 % don't speak English, and 5 % will beat you up after sex and steal your

television.

Get to the advice. I'm anxious to hear your wisdom.

Okay, the point is, good women are hard to find, and you've got one.

Yeah, I know she's great.

That's what makes her so tough.

I know what this is about. You found the perfect woman, but you're afraid to say

yes because you're afraid of commitment.

That's what Larry said.

You know, call me a hopeless romantic, but I think the spark is the most

important thing in a relationship.

Without it, you're just pals, you know, like Oswald and Lewis.

I'd like to think we still have a spark.

Hi, guys. Hey.

Hey, Drew.

Hi.

Listen,

Drew, can I...

You know, talk to you for a second about what I asked you. Oh, that's all right.

You can talk in front of us. We know you're dogging him to get married.

Sorry, they're my best friends. I tell them everything.

We're kind of like his think tank.

Well, I'll just take the think tank inside to watch cartoons.

I'll thank you not to lump me in with the cartoon watcher.

I'll be drinking Earl Grey tea and looking up dirty words in the big

Listen, I've been thinking about what you said, and it's all happening so

and it's such a big decision.

Oh, boy, that sounds like a no.

It's not. It's not a no, believe me. It's just, I mean, I honestly don't know

what to say. I can't answer.

Listen, Drew, I don't want to put any more pressure on you. So you know what?

Let's just forget I ever said anything. No, no, no, no. Don't forget it.

I'm not really good at making big life decisions.

So can you just give me another 24 hours?

I'll let you know tomorrow.

Okay.

Hey, guess where I'm going?

No.

Come on, man. I got to talk to somebody.

Go ahead and talk.

Legally, I can't stop you.

All right. Well, this girl asked me to marry her.

And I'm not going to tell her what I decided.

And? I don't know what to tell her.

Is she pretty?

Oh, yeah.

Is she smart?

Yeah.

Does she make a good living?

Oh, yeah, real good.

I see.

Does she like old black men?

See, this is why I don't talk to people.

Nobody gets my jokes.

Look, there's a lot of good things about her, but I don't know if I'm in love

with her. You know, there's no spark.

Spark?

Sparks of the teenagers.

Not men our age.

Our age?

Mm -hmm.

It sparks out quickly.

The important thing is you have fun together.

Does she like doing things for you? Do you like doing things for her?

Yeah. That's love, dumbass.

Well, is that what you have with, you know, Mrs. Bus Driver?

Yep.

We've been together for 46 years.

But when we got married, we didn't have much of a spark.

I just didn't want to die a virgin in Korea.

Yeah, but over time, I love Deacon.

And us, we're best friends.

I can't imagine living without her.

That's exactly what I'm looking for.

Tony, yes.

Thanks, Tony. You know what?

Looks like I'm getting married.

I guess it's kind of weird. I'm 40 years old. I always thought there'd be this

magical thing, but I guess it's just never going to happen.

You're 40?

Well, then what happened?

Hey, Tony.

I am such a clown. Oh, no, don't worry about it.

That kind of stuff happens to me all the time. Yeah.

Oh, whoa.

Whoa. Sorry.

Oh, no. That's... It's my fault. I, um... Static electricity. I just took my

sweater out of the dryer.

Oh.

Sorry.

Tony's on a schedule.

Yeah.

Well, thank you for your help.

Yeah.

Bye.

Well, boys?

Yes, Johnny?

Looks like Drew got himself in another pickle.

I'll tell you, Johnny. Seems like every week it's something.

Somebody should write a song about it. Maybe I will.

Could not.

Well, Drew's going to see the girl who proposed.

What a holy man.

Big Bud, take you where you want to go. What you gonna do?

Who you gonna choose?

How y 'all like my new shoes?

Nice shoes. Take you where you want to go.