Original subtitles

Working on a laptop close to the end of a job I've been doing since half past

ten. I don't believe that it's frozen again. The system has gone down -o, down

-o, down -o. I don't believe that it's frozen again. The system has gone down

-o.

So I took it down to the help desk guy. I said, make it better or I'm going to

cry. He said, I'm sorry, your computer died.

The data can no longer be found -o, found -o, found -o. He said, I'm sorry,

computer died.

The data can no longer be found -o.

to the roof with a laptop i did go over to the edge and i gave it a throw and

when it arrived seven stories below it really made a mighty fine sound oh when

it arrived seven stories below it really made a mighty fine sound oh

Hello. Hi, Oswald. Hey, Kelly.

Are you ready to go to Tony and Tina's wedding? You know, I've never been to a

play where the audience gets to participate.

Yeah, me neither.

I'm going to get loaded and try to do a bridesmaid.

I wonder where Drew and Steve are.

The play starts in 20 minutes and I don't think I can supervise you by

I am quite a handful, aren't I?

Hey. Hey. Sorry I'm late.

How could you be working late when you don't know what your job is?

Well, it makes me look like I know what I'm doing if I stay late.

So, you just sit there for hours doing nothing?

No, I work. I mean, I make copies. I get coffee for people.

The other day I did a puppet show at the daycare center.

How long do you think you can keep this up, Drew?

I don't know. How long did Martha Stewart get away with it?

Listen, I'm really sorry, but I'm not going to be able to make it to the play

tonight. Here are your tickets.

Why not?

Well, Mimi's other plans for the weekend got canceled, so I'm going out to Pima

Tuning with her.

She's been bugging me for a week to take her out to the woods.

Yes, but she smells of human now. Her kind may not accept it.

She wants to see the leaves change.

That's something people do. A bear or a buffalo would have no interest.

Okay, okay, come on. Let's get going. If we leave now, we can still see most of

the play.

Maybe we should just see a movie. I hate being late for a play.

I met the beginning of Cats. I never did find out how those poor people turned

into cats.

All right, we'll see a movie.

What cartoon do you want to see?

Actually, it's a foreign film I'd like to see.

There is no way we can stop Godzilla.

What are you saying, Joe?

I'm saying he cannot be stopped.

Damn it. When will mankind learn to stop playing God?

Hey, I'm sure he's a monster, but if I went out with him for a while, I think I

could change him.

You know what doesn't make any sense in this? These little Japanese kids think

that blazers look good with shorts.

to focus.

We'll be paid 99 cents to see blurry monsters.

Hey, focus!

Oh, my God, that's my brother.

Hey, would you focus?

Well, this is an adult theater. This never happened.

We've got to get out of here.

Thank you.

Was that so hard?

Shut up, four -eyed.

I think that's the thing that used to yell at me when this was an adult movie

here.

Every morning, just to keep a job, I gotta fight my way through the bustling

mob. Sounds like a city pounding in my brain, while another day goes down the

drain. Yeah, yeah, and there's a five o 'clock world when the whistle blows.

No one owns a piece of my time.

And there's a five o 'clock me inside my clothes, thinking that's a world of

fun.

the first and only ones to ever say this to you, but cool shoes.

Yeah, we're just testing them. We're thinking about selling them online.

You think these will sell?

I don't know. I think if anybody else was wearing them, they might look

Oh, we have a tech question we need to ask you. Our Unix router's been screwing

up a lot.

Oh, well, then maybe you should talk with them, see if there's any problems

home.

Drew, a router is a piece of computer hardware.

I knew that, Scott.

I meant you should talk to it in like a computer language and reprogram it.

Whoa, metaphor police, take me away, officer.

Oh, so by problems at home, you mean an issue with the server.

Does that make sense?

Yes. Then that's exactly what I meant.

You know what?

He's amazing. He not only thinks outside the box, He thinks outside the box that

the box is in.

You wonder why you only get hairy vegan girls?

That's why you only get hairy vegan girls.

Hey.

Hey, Karen, how you doing? Oh, hey, Drew.

Your hair looks great. It's a little shorter than usual.

Oh, yeah. I got it caught in the machine and it yanked out a big hunk.

I was in the emergency room for over eight hours.

I was a bloody mess.

Well, you should have done it earlier, because your hair looks great.

Thanks.

I have permanent nerve damage.

Yeah, speaking of nerve, I was trying to work mine out to ask you to this office

party next week. I was wondering if you want to go and be my date.

Oh, wow, sure, yeah.

It's nice to meet a computer guy who actually is interested in having a

life.

I'll pick you up at 8. Great. I can't wait. I'm tingling all over.

Except that part of my head that doesn't have any feeling.

Hey, it's my date for the office party. She's pretty cute, huh?

Uh -oh, look what you're doing. Talking to me.

I'm sorry, I thought you knew. In the movie of my life, you're just background

to make Cleveland look real.

Trailer, this is my husband, the father of my beautiful son.

Steve, this is the bitter, childless trailer.

Oh, good for you, you've reproduced. I look forward to supporting your bundle

hillbilly joy with my tax dollars.

Let's be adults about that.

Enjoy your new haircut.

How was your trip to climate tuning? By the way, I just saw a movie over the

weekend about your trip to Tokyo.

We didn't get to go camping.

My car broke down on the way home from the store and I was stuck at the garage

all night.

What's wrong with your car?

Hey!

You know, I'm stuck with a sick car all night and I get the third degree.

That's a fine... Hey, new tie.

Yeah.

You like it? Yeah, is it silk? No, it's a blend. I can't even tell, can you? No,

no. How much was it? Guess.

$50. No.

$40. No. $30. No.

I thought...

Drew, I have to talk to you.

I've done something horrible to Mimi.

She's still walking around. It wasn't that horrible.

Stop it. I just can't keep telling all these lies.

I cheated on Mimi.

What?

I just had to tell someone. I feel so guilty.

It just happened.

She's the new stylist down at the Parmatown Mall, and she was so nice, and

was so good at massaging my scalp.

You sleep with the first person that rubs your head? What are you thinking?

You've got a family.

No.

Look, this is no excuse, but being out of work and being stuck at the house all

day, I wasn't feeling like much of a man.

Well, you know, I bet there's times that Mimi doesn't feel like much of a man.

You don't see her cheek all night.

Look, it's over.

It was a one -time thing. I can't believe I did this to Mimi.

I'm a monster.

Hey, listen, listen.

It's okay, it's okay. Listen, I'm trying to keep a low profile here. You're a

big bald man crying on my shoulder.

I'm sorry.

So, let me ask, is this woman, is she anything like Mimi?

No, she's a bit rougher around the edges.

Are you sleeping with a bucket of broken glass?

I've got to start being a lot more specific when I pray.

Who are you?

I live here. Who are you?

Gloria.

I'm an acquaintance of your brother's.

True. Gloria, why did you take your dress off?

To make you think twice about breaking up with me, come here.

Do you have to seduce him in my house? I got an old dog with a bad heart that

lives here, lady.

I'm really sorry.

But I didn't want to break up with her at some nice restaurant where she might

go crazy and break something nice, so I brought her here.

Hey, I have a lot of nice... All right.

That wouldn't have worked. I still love Mimi.

Look, we don't have time for this, okay? You have to get out of here, and we

have to get to that party at work. Come on, let's go.

Mimi! Hey! Hey! It's Mimi! Hey! Hi! Hello!

I've been looking all over for you. What are you doing here? We've got to get to

the party. That's Mimi?

Yeah, I'm Mimi. Who the hell are you?

My new lady.

Let's take one car.

It'll be easier to park.

Touch me and I'll meet you in the family jewel.

Right back at you.

Well, I'm sure as glad.

Let's say we play a game. How about, uh... How about truth or dare?

Bingo, I'm the driver.

Ohio.

Ohio.

Ohio.

Ohio.

Ohio. Ohio.

So,

Gloria, we have something in common.

We both sleep with carry men.

Hey, how about them Chinese fish that can walk across the sidewalk? What's up

with that, huh?

Isn't she great?

Head to the field and be faster.

The only way I'm going to get through tonight is if I get really hammered.

I've got kind of a special situation here, and I want to attract a lot of

attention, okay?

Don't draw attention.

Honey, I am beautiful and bright like the sun. Would you say, don't stare at

sun?

Hey, it's true. Are you there?

Can you pick up?

Hey, listen, I'm really sorry.

Something came up, but I really couldn't make it.

I'll make it up to you someday really soon, okay?

I'm really sorry. And by the way, keep your doors locked, because the Chinese

fish are coming.

Okay, for the record, I showed up at the party.

You got five seconds to stare at me.

Great party, guys. Oh, this is nothing. Back in 98, when the Nasdaq was flying

high, we flew everyone to Paris. Had the finest chefs prepare a 14 -course meal.

Of course, now I can't eat that rich food anymore with my bleeding ulcer.

I used to have $50 million.

Now I buy my shoes at the supermarket.

Your girlfriend killed off the only bottle of scotch, and now she's eyeing

gin.

Wow, what did I ever see in her?

Yeah, what's with her anyway? She keeps glaring at me.

What do you expect? She's a floppy, boozy shrew.

And that's why I love her.

Hello, Drew.

Karen, hey!

I just called you and left a message. I thought we had a date. I thought you

were going to pick me up.

Yeah, I just dropped by to see if the party was worth going to.

Looks great. Go home. I'll pick you up.

What are you talking about?

Oh, well, maybe Drew's other date can explain.

Gloria, other date?

Two dates, Drew. Talk about playing with fire.

Hey, Gloria, this is Drew's other date. I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name,

sweet pea.

Well, I guess we should have a cat fight because you're stealing my man.

You brought this ugly old drunk instead of me.

Hey, you can't talk that way about my brother's other girlfriend.

You pig.

He is a pig. He said he was leaving his wife.

of games has started.

And you're it.

Come on, honey.

Let's go.

Gloria!

Surprised to see me?

Gerald, what are you doing here?

Punching the guy who's screwing around with my wife.

Oh, hey, look at me. I'm in again.

Gloria, you're married? You never told me.

Why do you care, Steve?

I can't do this anymore.

Mimi.

I'm the one having an affair with her.

Oh, stop covering for the pig.

Mimi, I'm serious.

Oh, my God.

Mimi, it was a mistake, and it's over. I promise you.

Yeah, he's right. You know, he tried to pick up with her, but she wouldn't

listen. She's one of those women that goes after bald, unemployed men at the

mall.

lot of much, but they're out there.

Shut up, pig.

I want you out of my house.

When I get home, you better be gone.

Mimi. You were the only man that I ever trusted.

Oh, thanks for helping ruin my marriage.

Mimi.

Mimi.

Well, what do you have to say for yourself?

I only love you, baby. Oh, sweetie.

I can't stay mad at you.

Let's hop in the Bonneville and find us a motel.

Well, I couldn't tell Mimi because Steve's my brother, you know, and he

was going to break it off.

He covered for me when I was married to two women at the same time.

Okay, okay, for the record, I showed up at the party.

You got five seconds to stare.

I'm not going to jump.

So what are you doing here?

Thinking about how I'm going to get the most beautiful woman in the world to

love me.

Hey, man. Shouldn't you be thinking about Mimi?

I am.

Yeah.

Oh, don't worry.

She'll come back to you.

You think so?

Yeah, you did something horrible. That's got to punish you.

Next, on A Bonus Drew, the search for a bride heats up, with help from an old

friend. The magazine referred to me as one of Cleveland's many matchmaking

services.

He may find the woman of his dreams.

That is so great. He'll wine her and dine her. Ah, my special chili.

It's the special recipe that's been in the Hormel family for years.

Until she finally gets the point. Wow, that's really nice.

There's just one more question.

Will you marry me?

Special guest the Goo Goo Dolls on a bonus Drew.

Next. Looks like I'm getting married.

Hello,

boys. Yes, Johnny.

Looks like Drew got himself in another pickle.

I'll tell you, Johnny. Seems like every week it's something.

Somebody should write a song about it. Maybe I will.

Could not.

Well, Drew's going to see the girl who proposed and maybe tell

her yes. Tell her yes.

And he met another while riding on the bus.

Oh, what a...

How y 'all like my new shoes?

Nice shoes. Take you where you want to go.