Original subtitles

So, how was your big date last night?

Did you take her to play miniature golf?

Yeah, yeah. You know, I caught her cheating.

Made her take a penalty stroke.

You know what you did?

Stabbed me with a little pencil.

I wish you would have called first. I could have been sitting here eating a

sandwich in the nude or something.

Is that something you do?

Well, sometimes, if it's a sloppy sandwich.

I'm sorry. When I got your e -mail about your marriage, I just had to come and

say, sir, give me a hug.

That's not what I'm marrying, Ma. You remember the Newmarks we used to live on

the street?

Oh, yeah, those hard -drinking Catholics.

With that homely buck -toothed girl.

That would be me.

Oh, my goodness. Well, look how lovely you turned out. And to think the state

almost took you away.

Well, now, where is my little grandchild factory?

Uh, I don't know.

What do you mean, dear?

I thought you said you read my email.

I did. It said you were going to get married May 19th.

Yeah, but below that. Didn't you read below that?

There was nothing below that.

Yeah, you...

You just scroll down?

Scroll down.

Little arrows?

Oh, mine didn't have any little arrows.

Well, if it didn't have any arrows, then it's a collector's item. It's one of a

kind. The only one in the world that's worth millions, Ma.

We're rich!

We're rich!

We're rich!

Now,

are you getting all this anger from that M &M's film?

that he hates his mother, too.

Anyway, the email said I'm getting married on May 19th. Yes, I rented a

everything. I just haven't found the woman yet.

Oh.

Well, you know, that sort of makes sense.

You know, Joe, you always did well when you set goals.

Remember your goal of dry bed by third grade?

Well, that was a nail -biter, but by golly, you made it.

Got a girl here?

Oh, trust me.

She's not one to judge.

We used to find her mother passed out in our bushes every Sunday night.

Okay, okay. Well, it's been really nice to see you again, Mrs. Carey. I'll tell

my parents that you said hi and bet you're still better than them.

So, uh, you don't think it's a crazy idea?

No. In fact, I'm glad that you're making marriage a priority.

Now, are there any finalists in this competition?

No, to tell you the truth, it's not going so good.

Well, don't you worry. Mom is here, and I know exactly what you like in a woman.

Oh, yeah?

Then explain the parade of turkey -necked spinsters you've been bringing

Well, I'm sorry they all weren't beauty queens, Mr.

Robert Wagner.

But the woman that I set you up with is going to definitely live up to your high

expectations.

Sure, I'll buy a ticket to see what's in the tent.

Good. Oh, by the way, there is something wrong with my computer. The cup drawer

is broken.

The cup drawer? Yeah, that little drawer that comes out where you put your

coffee when you press... When you press, uh, CD.

Yeah, that's, uh... I'll fix it. Just go find me a wife.

Moon over, karma bring my love to me tonight.

Guide her to East Lake, underneath your silvery light.

Get her past the radar mountie.

Bring her back to Lake County.

Moon over Parma tonight.

Moon over Parma, shine on I -271.

We can get together in the warm light of the sun.

We're going bowling, so don't lose your insolence. Moon over

Parma.

Hey,

Drew, aren't you going to hit the buffet?

Oh, not yet.

Hey! Something I never thought I'd be saying at 40.

My mom will be here with my date any minute.

What do you think it's going to be this time?

I'll put 20 on a fat girl who believes in unicorns.

Hi. Sorry I'm late.

Hey, Mimi, guess what?

Mom's fixing up Drew with a date.

Jeez, what a loser.

Mommy never had to set me up with a date.

That's because the moment you broke out of your egg sack, you ate your mom.

Hey, guys.

What's with you? You look beat.

I couldn't sleep last night. I kept having this nightmare about a volcano

erupting in Peru.

Kept me up all night.

So real.

Tell me about it. I keep having this one dream where I'm swimming through the

ocean towards this island of beautiful women.

And there's this anchor around my neck just dragging me down.

I wonder what it means. I don't know. Why don't you ask the anchor?

Holy crap, look!

Hey, Tim, turn it up.

...in Peru.

Having been dormant for thousands of years, El Misty erupted today without

warning. Residents had to flee the nearby town.

Cabana Conde.

off the small town of Cabana Conde.

This is freaking me out.

Whoa.

This happens with simpletons all the time.

Maybe we can make some money off of this. Look at the track.

Now go home and go to sleep because you're worth nothing to nobody awake.

I was going to... Go!

Not bad for a mom fix -up. Yeah, but those beautiful women, they're not great

bed.

I tell myself.

You guys mind? I don't want everybody staring at me.

Oh, yeah. Good luck.

Amy,

I would like you to meet my son, Drew.

See, no turkey neck, and she's so... You know how you go through pants.

Hi, it's nice to meet you. Really nice.

Yeah, I have to admit, you're kind of a nice surprise, too. The way your mom was

begging, I was expecting a monster.

So you thought I was a monster, huh? Well, keep those expectations nice and

We're getting along just fine.

My work here is done.

I'll give you kids some space.

Can I get you a drink?

Beer would be great.

But I guess it's kind of early for that, right?

No, and your mother's in town. I bet your kid's in seven.

There you are.

Okay. Come on. Okay, go. Great.

Give it another shot.

Any of you tourists, did you ring a bell?

Let's see.

All night long.

I remember that from my dreams.

Here's a long shot, 20 to 1.

Weak. I'm putting... $2 ,000 down at All Night Long.

You guys in?

I'll tell you one thing, I'm not in for $2 ,000.

I'll go 50 bucks.

Ah, what the hell, six grand.

All right.

I know a bookie I'll place the bet tomorrow.

Hey, we're supposed to have lunch with Drew. You seen him?

Yeah, he said if you were looking for him, he'd be in a meeting on the second

floor.

Next stall, please.

Drew, it's us.

Hey, man, what's it been? Like five weeks and they still haven't figured it

You don't know what your job is? It's amazing.

I come in here for like an hour every day after lunch. Nobody even misses me.

They think I'm up doing whatever I'm supposed to be doing.

So how's it going with Amy?

Great. I mean, we get along really well. We laugh at the same things.

She's a little sloppy, but, you know, people who live in bathrooms shouldn't

throw, uh...

You know, anything.

I'm happy for you, Drew. It's finally your turn.

I don't know what it is with you, but I feel so comfortable with you.

Yeah, I feel the same way.

protection with you?

Uh, yeah. I took care of it at the restaurant. Remember I said I was tying

shoe?

Yeah, sure.

I feel a little nervous about you seeing me like this.

Oh, yeah. Believe me. Darkness is my friend, too.

I was expecting a negligee.

I know that this is a little unusual, but this makes it more exciting for

me.

Is that a problem?

Well, it's a problem, but it's not mine.

It was going great, and then she went to change into something a little more

comfortable.

And, uh... She came back out just like

a squirrel.

Like a Playboy bunny.

No, like holding a sign outside of a tire store squirrel.

What was that, a joke or something?

No, no, she always puts on a...

squirrel costume whenever she's uh you know when she's with a man i

read about people like this they like

to dress up in animal costumes it's it's men and women and they have conventions

and websites and everything a squirrel costume doesn't anybody just put on a

leather mask and spank each other anymore

Simpler man from simpler times.

So, what'd you do?

I told her I wasn't comfortable with it, and I left.

I don't think she got the point.

What do you mean?

Look, she's outside on a power line.

Well, Danny, what are you doing home so early?

Oh, um, hey, I don't think it's going to work out between Amy and me.

What? She's such a sweet girl. Why not?

Well, you know, there's just one thing I don't think I can get past.

Oh, I see. Here we go again. Mr.

Picky.

She's not into football.

She hums when she eats.

Chews through your golf bag.

It's just not going to work out.

Oh, honey, let me ask you something.

Do you like her? Do you think she's pretty?

Do you get along?

Yeah, yeah, we get along fine. It's, you know... Well, you see, everybody has a

little something.

As long as I've known your father, when I ask him to give me a hand, he

applauds. I could just kill him.

It's a little different, Mom.

Is it, really? Well, Drew, you're just not getting any younger, and you're

to have to learn to compromise.

Otherwise, you're going to wind up living the rest of your life alone.

I don't want to be alone anymore, Mom. Well, then don't let this one get away,

honey.

Drew, this is a little awkward, but...

get a videotape of the two of you making

the fur fly?

Top stories on the hour. In Jakarta, 200 people are missing after a massive

mudslide.

Jakarta.

Mudslide.

Stop it.

Well done.

All these stories and more after these words on WTAM. All news, all night long.

All night long.

All night long.

Hey, hey, wake up, you idiot!

You're not psychic, you're just too stupid to program a clock radio.

Back with the news on WTAM. All night long.

You're hearing the news and you're sleeping. You think it's psychic

you moron.

We bet $6 ,000 on a radio catchphrase.

We did something worse than that. We bet $2 ,000 on Mimi's money on a radio

catchphrase.

We got to get out of town.

I don't know why, but I'm thinking Jakarta.

Are you sure you want to do this?

Yeah. Yeah, just give me one more second.

You look so hot.

Well, I know they say a sense of humor is the most important thing to a woman,

but I got the biggest tail I could find, just in case.

It was really sweet of you to give this a try.

Well, shall we give it a shot?

Shall we? Oh, after you. No, after you. No, after you. No, I insist. I insist.

This is going to be a must. lovely evening.

Indubitably.

After these messages, the results from the second race at Thittle Down on WTAM.

All news, all day long.

All day long.

Hey, hey, I did it. I got the bookie to cancel the bets. Ours and Mimi's. Yes!

Here's the stretch call from the second race at Thittle Down.

We would have won.

Mimi must never know about this.

Kiss my butt, poor people. I'm moving to Monaco.

We're rich boys.

Let's go pick up the dough.

I got to be honest with you, Mimi. Turns out I'm not psychic.

We didn't place your bet.

You're not going to get $40 ,000.

I see.

as I thought it would be.

I thought that was it when she made us dig our own graves.

Well, maybe if you took care of business at home, your woman wouldn't be coming

to me.

How did you know I was here?

Well, I went by work and they said you'd gone to the park for lunch.

You got in so late last night I didn't get a chance to ask you.

How'd your date go?

Uh, well, you know, I've been thinking.

You know that one thing that was bugging me?

I think I can learn to live with it.

You've been very mature and I'm very proud of you.

Thanks.

She likes to make love dress like a squirrel, Mom.

Is that the one thing?

Well, she also wears a little bit too much perfume every once in a while, but

yeah, that's the biggie.

I see.

You know, maybe you're right. Maybe at my age I shouldn't be so picky, and I

should just, maybe this is the best I can do.

Nonsense. I didn't know it was something like this.

You're a good man, and you deserve someone who makes you happy.

Thanks.

Oh, good heavens, a squirrel woman.

Would you want me back to work?

I would love to.

Well, you know, one good thing has come out of all of this. What's that?

The next time Amy's mother criticizes my coffee, I've got a little card to play.

Next week on Drew.

That's my brother.

It's like a horror movie.

I gotta get out of here. When Steve reveals his shocking secret.

I cheated on Mimi. What? I wasn't feeling like much of a man. Well, you

bet there's times that Mimi doesn't feel like much of a man. You don't see her

cheating on you.

But when Mimi makes a surprise visit.

That's Mimi? Who the hell are you?

Uh, this is my new lady, Gloria.

Will Drew take the hit for Steve?

He said he was leaving his wife.

You have a wife?

I guess the party games have started.