Original subtitles

Hey! Hey, I need to get your opinion. These are napkin samples I have for my

wedding reception.

Okay, uh, May 19th, 2003.

D .A .C. and T .B .D.

True love forever.

D .A .C.? Drew, Alice, and Carrie.

And T .B .D.? To be determined.

Drew, that's just...

S -A -D.

Hey, I said I was going to get married May 19th. I'm making it happen.

Honey, I hate to tell you this, but napkins are not going to get you a

I know that. I have a date coming by any second. Oh, that's great.

And to keep you charming, I'll make sure she stays hammered.

I don't need that.

I'm going to use a little thing I learned called the mirroring technique.

What's that?

That's when you mirror someone else's gestures. It reassures them that you're

just like they are.

I don't know.

Well,

you know what?

I guess it could work. It just sounds so calculated.

You know, that's a good point.

You're very observant.

I'm observant? Well, thank you. I never noticed that about myself.

That everything you get from a comic book is stupid.

Give me a beer, Tim. Keep it coming.

Hey, Oswald, what's the matter?

I did something really awful last night.

I hit my mom in the face with a bowling ball.

You did what?

Well, we were bowling, and she was getting on me about drinking too much,

kept fighting, and when I went to take my backswing, the ball slipped and hit

her right in the face, and she lost two teeth.

My poor mom.

First 30 hours of labor giving birth to my big pumpkin head.

I hope you weren't waiting too long. They kept me late at the bank. Oh, no

problem. Have a seat.

Wow. Way better looking than it worked. That bulletproof glass must really

distort your features.

Can I get you something to drink?

Yes, please.

Can I have another beer over here?

So, tell me about yourself.

Well, I was born in Illinois, but we moved here when I was 12.

Go on.

Well, originally, I was thinking of being a doctor.

But I ran out of money a couple of years into med school.

So about six months ago, I decided to study business instead.

Business? That's fascinating.

Are you making fun of my list?

What? Oh, no. Oh, God, no. No, I was just caught up mirroring you. I'm sorry.

Sorry.

That's enough.

No, I'm... Bonnie!

Bonnie! Hey!

More than that.

You're just typing in random letters.

What? What?

And you are?

I'm Rand. I'm the systems installation engineer.

Do you know what you're doing here? What?

What are you saying? What are you saying?

That I don't know what I'm doing? That I'm just sitting here collecting a

paycheck for nothing? That I'm doing nothing?

And if you're saying that, is anybody else saying it?

All I know is that you're not using a computer language that I recognize.

It's not Linux.

It's a new language. It's called Manic.

It's a rogue language. It plays by its own set of rules.

It does sound vaguely familiar.

I guess I better go bone up on this Manic.

Try Nick at night, Frodo.

Muffin, scone, Danish.

Mr. Wick, I thought you were the janitor. I was the janitor.

I'm moving up the corporate ladder.

You had a nice old lady that used to work here.

It seems she met with an unfortunate accident.

Apparently, a careless janitor left a slick of oil at the top of the stairs,

she broke her leg.

You broke an old lady's leg just to become Muffin Boy?

No, she broke her own leg.

I simply created an environment where leg -breaking was possible.

Thank you so much for letting me babysit this weekend, Mimi. I really need the

money. Well, make sure he's in bed by nine. We'll be home by midnight.

Yeah, that's when a spell turns from an ogre into a troll.

I don't really see the point, but hey, witches, what are you going to do, huh?

Hey. Hey.

So, how's the dating?

Great. I have a date tonight.

Great. Well, tell me all about it. Well, she works at my video store. You know,

we really hit it off right from the start, but we couldn't do anything

she had a boyfriend.

But she dumped him because guess what?

He doesn't want to get married.

And you do.

I think somebody up there forgot he doesn't like you.

That's why I don't want to blow it, you know. But ever since I set this marriage

goal, I think I've been trying too hard.

Well, when you feel yourself pushing too hard, just pull back.

Hey, I got an idea. Why don't you just come with me?

And you stop me if I do anything wrong.

On your date?

No, you won't make it a double date. Do you get to get out of the house, too,

you know? No, forget it, Drew. I'm still getting over my marriage. I don't want

to have anything to do with men.

Well, come on.

Look, I'll pay you.

True.

We're friends.

No, I have $50.

I thought we were better friends than that.

Oh, my God. This is my date?

What's the matter with you? I told you you were going out with me and Kelly

tonight. Oh, I'm sorry.

I just feel so bad about my mom.

Look what I did to her.

Oswald, Oswald, you have to get over this guilt. Why don't you buy her

nice? Maybe that'll make you feel better.

Be a good star?

I'll go down to the mall right now.

You're going in a robe?

Well, I should think so. I'm naked underneath.

Hey, listen, uh, you're too drunk to go to the mall. Why don't you just buy her

something nice off the internet?

Oh, that's a good idea. I'll get her something nice.

Hey, I'm sorry about the date, Callie.

You know, it's a funny thing.

Three beers, I'm the most charming man in the world.

Seventeen and I'm like this.

Watch out for that seventeenth beer.

Sorry, Drew, I guess you're on your own. No, no, I'll get you a date.

Come on.

What kind of geek is going to be home on a Friday night?

Sure was lucky you were available on such short notice.

Listen to this. The meteor shower should be starting any minute.

Wow, this is cool.

I never met a guy with an almanac before.

You know, listen, Faithy, I have to tell you, of all the employee pics at the

video store, I like yours the best.

I mean, I would have never rented Moulin Rouge if I hadn't given it three and a

half smiles.

You liked it?

I loved it.

You're going to be bad for business, I can tell, because she doesn't love you.

The Maharaja.

But I did, too. What about the clown?

Is everything all right, Kelly?

You're awfully quiet for such a heavy drinker.

Look, I'm sorry, Rand, if I'm not the best date.

I just got divorced after a long, horrible marriage.

Well, I guess that's why a goddess should never marry a mortal.

You think I'm a goddess?

Yes.

I'm mad at myself right now.

Why?

Well, I'm mad that I'm not a sculptor.

I mean, if I were, I could capture you in Marvel so that future generations

could be inspired by you.

Wow.

You have three kids, too.

Now, let me ask you, what religion would you raise them in?

Oh, well, I would expose them to all religions, you know, and then when they

old enough, I would let them decide.

That's exactly how I feel.

Drew, why are you asking me all these questions?

It kind of sounds like you're going through a list.

Well, to be honest, I'm just not in this for a date. I mean, I set a goal for

myself.

I'm going to find the person I'm meant to be with. I'm going to get married on

May 19th.

Okay, well, hey, it was nice meeting you. I'll let the stars guide me home.

I think this is really refreshing.

Really? Yeah.

Hey. Hey, look over there.

It's a shooting star.

Would you quit kicking the back of it?

Oh, my God.

When you said double date, I thought this might be kind of fun, but this is

creepy.

Look, I'm very sorry. Would you knock it off?

Look, I didn't pay you to do that, okay? I paid you to watch us.

Watch us do what?

You know, she was supposed to keep an eye on me in case I did it wrong.

Oh, my God.

You're a little sick.

No, no, no. You know, it's...

It's sometimes when I'm with a woman, I push too hard, so... She's supposed to

hold me back.

Drew,

I am so, so sorry.

Yeah, you should be.

She was great.

Yeah, well, not as great as my lady.

Shut up.

Drew, I gotta talk to you. I did something stupid.

Just to save time, just tell me you did something.

Well, I went on eBay, but I couldn't find anything nice for my mom, so I just

hired a guy to come and beat the crap out of me.

Yeah, right.

No, I'm serious. There's a guy in Chicago who'll beat you up for 200

And I was feeling so bad about myself, I hired him.

You know, from now on, when Lewis goes out of town for a week, I'm just leaving

you with that nice high school boy down the street.

Just call the guy and tell him you don't want the beating. I tried that.

His machine says I can't come to the phone right now.

I've gone to Cleveland to beat up a guy.

I can't go home. Can I stay with you?

All right, fine. But you know what?

I don't care if the tree outside my house does look like a man with a

don't want to roll over until you're in bed with me.

Thanks, man.

I promise. You won't even know I'm there.

It doesn't matter. It's not like I'm bringing any dates home anyway.

Oh, what happened to the girl from the video store?

Well, she could have been the one, and then Kelly ruins it by going out in the

back seat with that guy.

That's weird.

She said she didn't want anything to do with guys right now. I know.

I know.

I wonder.

When we were kids, I promised Kelly I'd never tell you.

Oswald, you owe me.

Who in fourth grade got you out of that septic tank but no one else would come

near you?

Septic tank guy.

Who called septic tank guy?

Police.

Who called the police?

Neighbors.

Who told the neighbors to call the police?

Louis.

Who told Louis to go to the neighbor's house? All right, I'll take it.

When we were kids, Kelly had a crush on you.

Get out of here.

No, it's true.

And I'll bet she still has a crush on you. And I'll bet when she saw you

along so well with the girl from the video store, she went crazy.

Decided to make you jealous.

No, she would never crush on me after all this time.

Oh, yeah? You had a crush on Kate for how long?

Well, at least it does kind of make sense.

You know, the other day she came over and caught me vacuuming in my cutoffs.

had a little bit of trouble keeping her eyes up here.

Hello,

Mr. Harvey. I'm here about the ass -kicking.

Let me call me Mr. Jericho.

You have a really lovely place here. I'll need a glass of water.

I brought my own tarp.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I was drunk. I was feeling really bad about

when I ordered your service.

Mr. Harvey, I'm not an unreasonable man.

You're in a lot of pain, aren't you?

Would you like to talk about it?

Yeah.

Have a seat.

Tell me everything.

Well, I did something really awful.

To my mom. And I feel really guilty about it, but it was an accident.

I see.

Is it possible that subconsciously you actually wished her harm?

Oh, my God.

That's true. That makes me the worst son in the world.

Oh, there now.

Mother -son relationships are very complicated.

Need, regret, guilt, attraction.

It's a hot froth of emotion that will scald you unless you sip it slowly.

So what I'm going to is normal.

Oh, absolutely.

I would suggest opening up the lines of communication, perhaps starting out by

sending her a bouquet of flowers.

Remember, there's nothing more forgiving than a mother's love.

Wow.

Thanks, man.

You know, I feel a lot better.

Oh, my pleasure.

I have my commitments to fulfill, Mr. Harvey. I do have my eBay ratings to

consider.

We need you to babysit next weekend. We're going to a renaissance fair.

Really? You?

Yep. We like to blow through on our Harleys and chase the geeks prancing

the maypole.

So anyway, talking pig walks into a bar and says, hey guys.

Hey guys.

I just want to say that I'm really sorry again about what happened in the car.

Listen, I know that there's a part of you that may be sorry, and that there's

another part of you that maybe isn't so sorry.

What are you talking about?

Kelly, Oswald told me about your crush, and I'm flattered.

It can't be. It can never be.

My crush?

Yeah, I mean...

I like you too, but not in that way. I mean, not now.

You're interested in fun.

I want something completely different. I want marriage.

Drew, I was 13 years old when I told Oswald that I don't have a crush on you

anymore.

I mean, I think you're really, really sweet, Drew, and everything, but I...

why did you go at it with that guy in the back seat when he saw me getting

interested in safety?

Because I was drunk.

and he said that I was beautiful and it's been three years since my ex

or any guy has touched me.

Oh.

I'm sorry if you got the wrong impression.

No, no, no.

It fits the pattern.

Every time I think a girl likes me, there always seems to be a more logical

explanation.

That was hard.

Yeah, what's the matter?

Well, Stu thought that I had a crush on him, and I had to let him down.

The pig thought you had a crush on him? Like it's a boob on a stick.

Don't call him names, okay, with an honest mistake.

Look, all I'm saying is he should stick to women he can get, like lesbians

looking for a booster shot.

Mimi, knock it off. He is a great guy, and he's really nice, and there's...

Plenty of women who would be really, really attracted to him.

Holy crap, you got a crush on him.

No, I don't. No, I don't. Okay, maybe I did when I was a kid, but that was a

long time ago. And then I ran into him again after all these years, and I

thought, it's nice to see my old friend.

And he still looks pretty good.

Especially in cut -offs.

Not that it's any of your business, but even if I did like him, Drew wants to

get married and I don't.

That's good.

God's still batting him around like a cat toy.

You have to promise me that you won't tell Drew. I don't want any of this to

affect our friendship.

All right, we have to make a deal.

If he starts getting depressed and thinks that nobody loves him and he's

thinking about ending it all.

And you can't tell him either.

Hey, get in here. Dr. Quinn's fighting a cougar.

I just love that you have all the Dr.

Quinns on DVD.

Hey, uh, listen, I'm really sorry about what I said about you having a crush on

all that. I was way off base.

Oh, true.

Just forget it. I forgot about it.

Okay.

What?

Oh, no. No, no, no. I actually... You had a little, um... You know, run. No.

Clean.

Next week on Drew.

Something I never thought I'd be saying to Cordy. My mom will be here with my

date any minute.

Mom's helping Drew look for his future wife.

I know exactly what you like in a woman.

Then explain the parade of turkey neck spinsters you've been bringing by.

But when this one looks like a winner.

I'll be right back.

Will she bring out the animal in Drew?

Silly me, I was expecting a negligee. She came back out just like a squirrel.

Like a playboy bunny.

No, like holding our sign outside of a tire store sport.

Can I get a videotape of the two of you making the fur fly?