Original subtitles

Hello. Oh, hi.

I'm Drew Carey. I had an appointment.

My name is Jeremy.

How may I help you today, Mr. Carey? Well, I'm getting married on May 19th,

this is the nicest hotel in Cleveland, so I want to get married here.

Lovely.

So your future Mrs.

Carey has her heart set on a spring wedding?

Could be. I got no idea.

Ah. Well, before we reserve anything, actually, shouldn't you ask her...

After all, women occasionally, in my experience, have opinions about their

weddings.

She might want that. I just don't know who she is.

Yes, women, they're a mystery, aren't they?

No, I mean to say that I just haven't met her yet.

Of course, a mail -order bride.

Well, perhaps love will bloom over time.

Okay, here's how it goes. See, I really want to meet the person that I want to

spend the rest of my life with, and I just figured the best way to do that is

just to make all the arrangements and set a deadline and... I see.

Oh, trust me, it'll work.

It's how I taught myself to play the accordion.

Well, I suppose if we're going to proceed with this, I'll need some

What is your current address, please?

720 Fetchwick.

Oh, sorry. I somehow assumed there would be an apartment number.

What is your occupation, Mr. Perry?

I'm an internal expediting analyst at NeverEndingStore .com.

Interesting. What exactly do you do?

I got no idea.

I need to deposit in cash.

Way ahead of you.

There's $3 ,000.

Dad,

are you ready to go to lunch yet? I'll be with you in a minute, sweetheart.

Sir,

you have a lovely daughter.

No.

up every morning just to keep a job.

I gotta find my way through the hustling miles.

Pounds of the city pounding in my brain while another day goes down the drain.

But it's a five o 'clock world when the whistle blows.

No one wants a piece of my time.

And there's a five o 'clock rain inside my clothes.

Thinking that the

No way to get home.

Excuse me, trailer.

I got your red vines, and I picked up your vintage concert T -shirts from the

dry cleaner.

There's just one problem. I didn't mind doing it this one time, but I'm the

office manager. I'm not your personal assistant.

Here's the thing.

This is not a traditional office, so traditional job descriptions don't

See, I'm the talent, and you're the support staff.

See, your jobs keep me happy.

Look, you may have gone to better schools than me. You may be making more

than me.

That doesn't take away from the fact that that red vine you're sucking on was

my nose.

So how does my nose taste?

Hey, pig, somebody called about the ballroom you booked for a wedding.

Where'd you meet the bride? In a bar? Did you fall out of the wheel well of a

747?

It's none of your business, but I might as well tell you anyway.

I plan on getting married. I just haven't found a bride yet.

Jeez. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

Let's just see what comes out of my mouth when I open it.

Take your best shot.

Actually, I don't think it's crazy at all. The others may think you're nuts,

I admire it.

Really? Yes, you're setting yourself a goal and reaching for the stars.

Exactly. Yes, you're not letting life just happen to you. You're grabbing it

the horns and wrestling it to the ground.

Finally, someone who's understanding what's going on.

That's because I'm doing exactly the same thing.

By the summer of 2005.

I will have trained six dogs to actually play poker. I'm going to be rich.

That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Is it?

I've already got two dogs that will sit still while I deal.

Where's your girl?

Stop chasing rainbows and join Buster, Tippi, and me in a dream that's within

your reach.

Hey, Drew.

What's that about?

I think I did something really stupid. I just spent $3 ,000 on a wedding hall.

I'm not so sure. What if I don't find anybody?

Oh, come on. You're not going to find somebody. Look at you. You're sweet.

You're romantic. You're funny.

You think so? Yeah. There are a lot of women out there who would be very happy

to marry you.

Now, are you saying that like it's a fact or is that one of those general

theories like there's life on another planet?

Trust me. Keep the wedding hall. You're going to need it.

Oh, thanks, Kelly.

I will.

Come on. Come on, sweetie.

I'll take you to lunch.

Can I have the cash instead? Because I just spent $3 ,000 on a wedding.

Hey, Drew.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have laughed. You're family.

Have a rest.

Thanks, Mimi.

Wow. You see, it's just like the pretzel sticks around here.

Hey, my shift is over. You guys have a good night.

Hey, why don't you just pull up a chair and hang out with us?

Okay.

You know what, Oswald? I've been meaning to ask you something. You used to live

upstairs, right? Huh?

Why is the bathroom mirror broken?

Oh, I was drunk one night and I thought some sicko was in there watching me.

So I went and I got Lewis and we came back and beat the crap out of them.

realize that it was just your reflection.

Not until this minute.

Hit me.

I've got a great idea. Here, have some more genius juice.

Oh, yeah? Well, if you're so smart, how come I got Polaroids of you sleeping

with Lewis's ass right next to your face?

At least my face cleared up when I turned 17.

Well, at least I don't live in my parents' house and abuse myself on the

mattress I was conceived on.

Do you guys always take shots at each other like this?

Oh, sure. Well, we're close friends.

Wow, I never had a friend that close.

Well, you do now. Crows' feet make bar trash.

Thank you for including me in your high -spirited banter.

Come on, guys. Come easy on me. No, no, no, no. No, Drew. It's okay. It's okay.

Really, I like to be one of the gang.

Oh, good, because I got one about how you're going to die alone watching the

Powerball drawing on a tiny blackboard.

Would you give her a break?

She got married at 18. Her husband practically never let her leave the

Yeah, well, I don't want to watch every little thing I say.

Let's pass on her.

Hey, this isn't a Broadway show.

You know, there's not a lot of women lining up to star in our version of the

guys who don't produce.

Okay, fine.

Thank you.

She better loosen up.

It's like having your mom around.

Except she doesn't parade naked in front of the TV.

That was so much fun, Drew. Thank you for talking me into doing karaoke.

I can't believe I actually got up and sang in front of all those strangers.

Sounded like a young Barbra Streisand.

Really? A really young Barbra Streisand.

A newborn Barbra Streisand.

With a pant load.

Um, you got the attitude down. You just got to work on crafting the words a

little more.

Well, the night is young, and I know what we should do.

Let's sneak into the petting zoo and ride the big goat.

Isn't it close?

Couldn't we get in trouble?

Couldn't we get in trouble?

Lewis, it's okay. If you're uncomfortable, you can wait in the car.

He doesn't even ride the goat anyway. He just sits on the goat while the goat

looks sad and ashamed.

Hey, pull over. We should get some beer for the goat.

Um, Drew, can I just talk to you for a second?

Sure.

Listen, I don't think Oswald likes me, and I don't think Lewis does either. I

don't know, Drew. Maybe I just don't fit in with you guys. Oh, don't worry.

You'll fit in.

You know the little voice in your head that says, don't do that, that's stupid?

I gotta do it. Hold Senator Revere to stop struggling.

Who's he?

That's Jim Tomey, the greatest first baseman the Indians ever had.

He's cute.

He's not cute, okay? He's just big, athletic, and rich.

Buy a dictionary.

So would the little lady like to buy a juice box and a glamour to read while

men ride the goat?

Okay, that one kind of worked.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, I really should.

Well, you certainly have mastered the nice face joke.

I had this when I walked in here.

Where's Kelly?

Oh, no, she's right behind me.

what Jim told me.

I saw him.

Huh?

Pretty crazy, huh?

Yeah, that's pretty crazy, right, guys?

Not bad.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I believe him.

What do I do?

Well, he's either telling you to get to the point or he wants you to roll down

the window.

Excuse me, you guys. The owner would like his car for Jim told me back, if

don't mind.

Yeah, we're sorry. We're just having a little laugh. It's okay.

Nothing serious. No problem.

to die like this.

I'm going to go flying out of a roller coaster.

Really, really sorry.

Okay, let me explain something to you. You steal a piece of cardboard, you get

slap on the wrist.

You run from the cops, they look around to see if there's any video cameras, and

then they beat the crap out of you.

We got to push your car in the lake now.

What is that going to solve? They already have my plate number. They know

am. I know, but I'm angry. It'd make me feel better to push your car in the

lake.

You can offer back.

Yeah, we did kind of push her into this. Yes, you did.

Before I met the three of you, I never would have done anything like this.

Hey, we were just into a nice quiet evening of sneaking into a petting zoo

riding a goat.

Hey,

look, I'm sorry. We're all just a little tense.

Yeah, well, I'm sorry, too. I'm sorry for coming out with you guys. It's

obviously a mistake.

We shouldn't be hanging out together.

What are you talking about? Come on.

Everything's going great.

I don't know what you say.

He's not human.

Boy, they're really bad at saving the hostage.

Cuff her.

Miss, you're under arrest for reckless driving and evading an officer.

Now I wake up.

I wake up.

Okay, okay, listen, it's my fault. I'm the one that took the wheel. I'm the one

that stepped on the gas. Jim, what are you doing?

Just taking responsibility for my action. You know, I'm the one that did

should arrest me. I'm not buying it, pal. She's the driver.

Okay, how's this?

You arrest me, let me take the blame, and I won't tell anybody you shot the

off a cardboard guy.

with Jim Tomey's head all over me.

Hey, Drew. Hey.

Wow. How much longer do you have to do community service?

18 hours.

That's rough, huh?

It's obvious that Kelly means a lot to you, and we wanted to say we're cool

her, too.

Oh, thanks.

Want a hug?

Hi,

guys. Hey.

Hi, Kelly.

You're doing such a great job.

Is that underwear?

Oh, yeah.

Gee, what kind of shape does your underwear have?

and that you're flinging out of the car window.

I'm going to choose to believe this happened during a moment of passion.

Hey, Kelly, Lewis and I were talking, and we're sorry we were such jerks to

Yeah, we're really sorry.

Aw, well, that's okay, Lewis.

I guess I just need to be a little bit more patient with the kind of guy who

loses a fistfight with his own reflection.

Hey, what's in the basket? Oh, I brought a picnic lunch.

It's the least I could do with everything that you've done for me,

Thanks.

Oh,

this is so sweet.

I have roast beef sandwiches, potato salad, chocolate

cake. Wow.

Beer.

And for the final touch.

Wow.

Hey, you know what? This is perfect.

Thanks. Clean that up, Gilbert.

Now that I'm on the other end of this, I see why it's wrong.

Next week on Drew, the search for a bride continues.

Do I have a date coming by any second? And Kelly's helping out. And to keep you

charming, I'll make sure she stays hammered. But when the date goes

you making fun of my list?

I'm sorry.

Sorry. He asks her for more.

Why don't you just come with me? On your date? But will Kelly's date be hotter

than Drew's?

Would you quit kicking the back of my hand?

Oh, my God.

thinks there might be something else going on. The other day, she caught me

vacuuming in my cutoffs. She had a little bit of trouble keeping her eyes

here.