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Hello. Oh, hi.
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I'm Drew Carey. I had an appointment.
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My name is Jeremy.
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00:00:08,980 --> 00:00:13,779
How may I help you today, Mr. Carey?
Well, I'm getting married on May 19th,
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this is the nicest hotel in Cleveland,
so I want to get married here.
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Lovely.
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So your future Mrs.
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Carey has her heart set on a spring
wedding?
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00:00:22,500 --> 00:00:23,720
Could be. I got no idea.
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00:00:25,460 --> 00:00:31,060
Ah. Well, before we reserve anything,
actually, shouldn't you ask her...
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After all, women occasionally, in my
experience, have opinions about their
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weddings.
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She might want that. I just don't know
who she is.
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00:00:46,960 --> 00:00:49,460
Yes, women, they're a mystery, aren't
they?
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00:00:50,900 --> 00:00:53,250
No, I mean to say that I just haven't
met her yet.
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Of course, a mail -order bride.
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Well, perhaps love will bloom over time.
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Okay, here's how it goes. See, I really
want to meet the person that I want to
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spend the rest of my life with, and I
just figured the best way to do that is
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just to make all the arrangements and
set a deadline and... I see.
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Oh, trust me, it'll work.
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00:01:17,380 --> 00:01:19,730
It's how I taught myself to play the
accordion.
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Well, I suppose if we're going to
proceed with this, I'll need some
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What is your current address, please?
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720 Fetchwick.
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Oh, sorry. I somehow assumed there would
be an apartment number.
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What is your occupation, Mr. Perry?
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I'm an internal expediting analyst at
NeverEndingStore .com.
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Interesting. What exactly do you do?
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I got no idea.
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I need to deposit in cash.
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Way ahead of you.
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There's $3 ,000.
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Dad,
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are you ready to go to lunch yet? I'll
be with you in a minute, sweetheart.
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Sir,
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you have a lovely daughter.
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No.
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up every morning just to keep a job.
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I gotta find my way through the hustling
miles.
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Pounds of the city pounding in my brain
while another day goes down the drain.
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But it's a five o 'clock world when the
whistle blows.
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No one wants a piece of my time.
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And there's a five o 'clock rain inside
my clothes.
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Thinking that the
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No way to get home.
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Excuse me, trailer.
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I got your red vines, and I picked up
your vintage concert T -shirts from the
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dry cleaner.
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There's just one problem. I didn't mind
doing it this one time, but I'm the
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office manager. I'm not your personal
assistant.
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Here's the thing.
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This is not a traditional office, so
traditional job descriptions don't
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See, I'm the talent, and you're the
support staff.
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See, your jobs keep me happy.
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00:04:05,900 --> 00:04:09,919
Look, you may have gone to better
schools than me. You may be making more
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than me.
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That doesn't take away from the fact
that that red vine you're sucking on was
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my nose.
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So how does my nose taste?
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Hey, pig, somebody called about the
ballroom you booked for a wedding.
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Where'd you meet the bride? In a bar?
Did you fall out of the wheel well of a
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747?
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It's none of your business, but I might
as well tell you anyway.
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I plan on getting married. I just
haven't found a bride yet.
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Jeez. I don't know whether to laugh or
cry.
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Let's just see what comes out of my
mouth when I open it.
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Take your best shot.
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Actually, I don't think it's crazy at
all. The others may think you're nuts,
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I admire it.
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Really? Yes, you're setting yourself a
goal and reaching for the stars.
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Exactly. Yes, you're not letting life
just happen to you. You're grabbing it
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the horns and wrestling it to the
ground.
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Finally, someone who's understanding
what's going on.
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That's because I'm doing exactly the
same thing.
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By the summer of 2005.
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I will have trained six dogs to actually
play poker. I'm going to be rich.
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That's the stupidest thing I've ever
heard.
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Is it?
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I've already got two dogs that will sit
still while I deal.
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Where's your girl?
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00:06:16,331 --> 00:06:23,689
Stop chasing rainbows and join Buster,
Tippi, and me in a dream that's within
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your reach.
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Hey, Drew.
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What's that about?
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I think I did something really stupid. I
just spent $3 ,000 on a wedding hall.
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00:06:48,211 --> 00:06:52,299
I'm not so sure. What if I don't find
anybody?
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Oh, come on. You're not going to find
somebody. Look at you. You're sweet.
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You're romantic. You're funny.
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You think so? Yeah. There are a lot of
women out there who would be very happy
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to marry you.
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00:07:05,451 --> 00:07:08,459
Now, are you saying that like it's a
fact or is that one of those general
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theories like there's life on another
planet?
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Trust me. Keep the wedding hall. You're
going to need it.
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Oh, thanks, Kelly.
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I will.
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Come on. Come on, sweetie.
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I'll take you to lunch.
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Can I have the cash instead? Because I
just spent $3 ,000 on a wedding.
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Hey, Drew.
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I'm sorry. I shouldn't have laughed.
You're family.
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Have a rest.
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Thanks, Mimi.
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Wow. You see, it's just like the pretzel
sticks around here.
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Hey, my shift is over. You guys have a
good night.
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Hey, why don't you just pull up a chair
and hang out with us?
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Okay.
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You know what, Oswald? I've been meaning
to ask you something. You used to live
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upstairs, right? Huh?
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Why is the bathroom mirror broken?
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Oh, I was drunk one night and I thought
some sicko was in there watching me.
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So I went and I got Lewis and we came
back and beat the crap out of them.
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realize that it was just your
reflection.
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Not until this minute.
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Hit me.
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I've got a great idea. Here, have some
more genius juice.
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Oh, yeah? Well, if you're so smart, how
come I got Polaroids of you sleeping
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with Lewis's ass right next to your
face?
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At least my face cleared up when I
turned 17.
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Well, at least I don't live in my
parents' house and abuse myself on the
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mattress I was conceived on.
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Do you guys always take shots at each
other like this?
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Oh, sure. Well, we're close friends.
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Wow, I never had a friend that close.
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Well, you do now. Crows' feet make bar
trash.
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Thank you for including me in your high
-spirited banter.
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Come on, guys. Come easy on me. No, no,
no, no. No, Drew. It's okay. It's okay.
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Really, I like to be one of the gang.
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00:09:43,161 --> 00:09:46,859
Oh, good, because I got one about how
you're going to die alone watching the
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Powerball drawing on a tiny blackboard.
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Would you give her a break?
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She got married at 18. Her husband
practically never let her leave the
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Yeah, well, I don't want to watch every
little thing I say.
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Let's pass on her.
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00:10:23,170 --> 00:10:25,010
Hey, this isn't a Broadway show.
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You know, there's not a lot of women
lining up to star in our version of the
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guys who don't produce.
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Okay, fine.
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Thank you.
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00:10:38,320 --> 00:10:39,370
She better loosen up.
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It's like having your mom around.
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Except she doesn't parade naked in front
of the TV.
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That was so much fun, Drew. Thank you
for talking me into doing karaoke.
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I can't believe I actually got up and
sang in front of all those strangers.
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Sounded like a young Barbra Streisand.
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Really? A really young Barbra Streisand.
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A newborn Barbra Streisand.
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With a pant load.
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00:11:20,051 --> 00:11:26,239
Um, you got the attitude down. You just
got to work on crafting the words a
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little more.
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00:11:27,291 --> 00:11:30,279
Well, the night is young, and I know
what we should do.
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Let's sneak into the petting zoo and
ride the big goat.
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Isn't it close?
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Couldn't we get in trouble?
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Couldn't we get in trouble?
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00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:42,390
Lewis, it's okay. If you're
uncomfortable, you can wait in the car.
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He doesn't even ride the goat anyway. He
just sits on the goat while the goat
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looks sad and ashamed.
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00:11:54,850 --> 00:11:57,380
Hey, pull over. We should get some beer
for the goat.
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00:12:00,750 --> 00:12:03,710
Um, Drew, can I just talk to you for a
second?
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00:12:04,010 --> 00:12:05,060
Sure.
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00:12:05,090 --> 00:12:10,189
Listen, I don't think Oswald likes me,
and I don't think Lewis does either. I
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00:12:10,190 --> 00:12:13,770
don't know, Drew. Maybe I just don't fit
in with you guys. Oh, don't worry.
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You'll fit in.
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00:12:15,641 --> 00:12:18,429
You know the little voice in your head
that says, don't do that, that's stupid?
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00:12:18,430 --> 00:12:21,080
I gotta do it. Hold Senator Revere to
stop struggling.
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00:12:31,560 --> 00:12:32,610
Who's he?
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00:12:33,540 --> 00:12:37,220
That's Jim Tomey, the greatest first
baseman the Indians ever had.
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He's cute.
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00:12:41,700 --> 00:12:44,560
He's not cute, okay? He's just big,
athletic, and rich.
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Buy a dictionary.
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00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:54,019
So would the little lady like to buy a
juice box and a glamour to read while
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men ride the goat?
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Okay, that one kind of worked.
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Oh, my God, oh, my God, I really should.
176
00:13:15,680 --> 00:13:18,390
Well, you certainly have mastered the
nice face joke.
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I had this when I walked in here.
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00:13:28,540 --> 00:13:29,590
Where's Kelly?
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00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:31,080
Oh, no, she's right behind me.
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00:13:44,560 --> 00:13:45,610
what Jim told me.
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I saw him.
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Huh?
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00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:49,800
Pretty crazy, huh?
184
00:13:51,140 --> 00:13:53,460
Yeah, that's pretty crazy, right, guys?
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Not bad.
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Oh, my God.
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00:13:57,381 --> 00:13:58,579
Oh, my God.
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00:13:58,580 --> 00:13:59,630
I believe him.
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00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:01,290
What do I do?
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00:14:01,291 --> 00:14:04,619
Well, he's either telling you to get to
the point or he wants you to roll down
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the window.
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00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:12,419
Excuse me, you guys. The owner would
like his car for Jim told me back, if
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00:14:12,420 --> 00:14:13,209
don't mind.
194
00:14:13,210 --> 00:14:16,730
Yeah, we're sorry. We're just having a
little laugh. It's okay.
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00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:18,570
Nothing serious. No problem.
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00:15:19,530 --> 00:15:20,580
to die like this.
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00:15:20,790 --> 00:15:23,080
I'm going to go flying out of a roller
coaster.
198
00:15:26,110 --> 00:15:27,190
Really, really sorry.
199
00:15:27,191 --> 00:15:31,029
Okay, let me explain something to you.
You steal a piece of cardboard, you get
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00:15:31,030 --> 00:15:32,049
slap on the wrist.
201
00:15:32,050 --> 00:15:35,429
You run from the cops, they look around
to see if there's any video cameras, and
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00:15:35,430 --> 00:15:37,050
then they beat the crap out of you.
203
00:15:54,540 --> 00:15:57,040
We got to push your car in the lake now.
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00:15:57,740 --> 00:16:02,499
What is that going to solve? They
already have my plate number. They know
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00:16:02,500 --> 00:16:05,299
am. I know, but I'm angry. It'd make me
feel better to push your car in the
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00:16:05,300 --> 00:16:06,259
lake.
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00:16:06,260 --> 00:16:07,840
You can offer back.
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00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:11,000
Yeah, we did kind of push her into this.
Yes, you did.
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00:16:11,480 --> 00:16:15,090
Before I met the three of you, I never
would have done anything like this.
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00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:19,999
Hey, we were just into a nice quiet
evening of sneaking into a petting zoo
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00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:21,050
riding a goat.
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00:17:02,930 --> 00:17:03,980
Hey,
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00:17:03,981 --> 00:17:06,789
look, I'm sorry. We're all just a little
tense.
214
00:17:06,790 --> 00:17:11,348
Yeah, well, I'm sorry, too. I'm sorry
for coming out with you guys. It's
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00:17:11,349 --> 00:17:12,410
obviously a mistake.
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00:17:12,990 --> 00:17:14,850
We shouldn't be hanging out together.
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00:17:16,170 --> 00:17:17,910
What are you talking about? Come on.
218
00:17:18,089 --> 00:17:19,409
Everything's going great.
219
00:17:43,630 --> 00:17:44,830
I don't know what you say.
220
00:17:46,490 --> 00:17:47,710
He's not human.
221
00:17:58,450 --> 00:18:01,090
Boy, they're really bad at saving the
hostage.
222
00:18:04,710 --> 00:18:05,760
Cuff her.
223
00:18:06,290 --> 00:18:10,230
Miss, you're under arrest for reckless
driving and evading an officer.
224
00:18:10,650 --> 00:18:11,700
Now I wake up.
225
00:18:13,230 --> 00:18:14,280
I wake up.
226
00:18:14,281 --> 00:18:18,989
Okay, okay, listen, it's my fault. I'm
the one that took the wheel. I'm the one
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00:18:18,990 --> 00:18:21,089
that stepped on the gas. Jim, what are
you doing?
228
00:18:21,090 --> 00:18:24,349
Just taking responsibility for my
action. You know, I'm the one that did
229
00:18:24,350 --> 00:18:26,929
should arrest me. I'm not buying it,
pal. She's the driver.
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00:18:26,930 --> 00:18:27,980
Okay, how's this?
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00:18:27,981 --> 00:18:31,129
You arrest me, let me take the blame,
and I won't tell anybody you shot the
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00:18:31,130 --> 00:18:32,180
off a cardboard guy.
233
00:18:43,920 --> 00:18:45,540
with Jim Tomey's head all over me.
234
00:19:00,740 --> 00:19:01,790
Hey, Drew. Hey.
235
00:19:01,791 --> 00:19:04,859
Wow. How much longer do you have to do
community service?
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00:19:04,860 --> 00:19:05,910
18 hours.
237
00:19:06,380 --> 00:19:07,430
That's rough, huh?
238
00:19:25,070 --> 00:19:30,089
It's obvious that Kelly means a lot to
you, and we wanted to say we're cool
239
00:19:30,090 --> 00:19:30,709
her, too.
240
00:19:30,710 --> 00:19:31,870
Oh, thanks.
241
00:19:32,590 --> 00:19:33,640
Want a hug?
242
00:19:35,610 --> 00:19:36,660
Hi,
243
00:19:41,941 --> 00:19:43,949
guys. Hey.
244
00:19:43,950 --> 00:19:45,290
Hi, Kelly.
245
00:19:46,770 --> 00:19:48,850
You're doing such a great job.
246
00:19:49,270 --> 00:19:50,320
Is that underwear?
247
00:19:50,850 --> 00:19:51,900
Oh, yeah.
248
00:19:52,050 --> 00:19:54,890
Gee, what kind of shape does your
underwear have?
249
00:19:55,370 --> 00:19:57,720
and that you're flinging out of the car
window.
250
00:19:58,590 --> 00:20:02,200
I'm going to choose to believe this
happened during a moment of passion.
251
00:20:02,970 --> 00:20:07,190
Hey, Kelly, Lewis and I were talking,
and we're sorry we were such jerks to
252
00:20:07,350 --> 00:20:08,610
Yeah, we're really sorry.
253
00:20:08,770 --> 00:20:11,710
Aw, well, that's okay, Lewis.
254
00:20:12,630 --> 00:20:16,649
I guess I just need to be a little bit
more patient with the kind of guy who
255
00:20:16,650 --> 00:20:18,820
loses a fistfight with his own
reflection.
256
00:20:20,030 --> 00:20:23,490
Hey, what's in the basket? Oh, I brought
a picnic lunch.
257
00:20:24,220 --> 00:20:27,530
It's the least I could do with
everything that you've done for me,
258
00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:28,810
Thanks.
259
00:20:29,120 --> 00:20:30,170
Oh,
260
00:20:30,840 --> 00:20:31,890
this is so sweet.
261
00:20:32,460 --> 00:20:38,939
I have roast beef sandwiches, potato
salad, chocolate
262
00:20:38,940 --> 00:20:39,990
cake. Wow.
263
00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:42,050
Beer.
264
00:20:42,840 --> 00:20:45,160
And for the final touch.
265
00:20:45,860 --> 00:20:46,910
Wow.
266
00:20:47,860 --> 00:20:50,500
Hey, you know what? This is perfect.
267
00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:53,300
Thanks. Clean that up, Gilbert.
268
00:20:59,020 --> 00:21:01,850
Now that I'm on the other end of this, I
see why it's wrong.
269
00:21:05,760 --> 00:21:08,350
Next week on Drew, the search for a
bride continues.
270
00:21:08,351 --> 00:21:11,479
Do I have a date coming by any second?
And Kelly's helping out. And to keep you
271
00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:14,919
charming, I'll make sure she stays
hammered. But when the date goes
272
00:21:14,920 --> 00:21:15,979
you making fun of my list?
273
00:21:15,980 --> 00:21:16,619
I'm sorry.
274
00:21:16,620 --> 00:21:18,660
Sorry. He asks her for more.
275
00:21:18,661 --> 00:21:22,319
Why don't you just come with me? On your
date? But will Kelly's date be hotter
276
00:21:22,320 --> 00:21:23,299
than Drew's?
277
00:21:23,300 --> 00:21:25,470
Would you quit kicking the back of my
hand?
278
00:21:25,760 --> 00:21:26,810
Oh, my God.
279
00:21:26,811 --> 00:21:30,099
thinks there might be something else
going on. The other day, she caught me
280
00:21:30,100 --> 00:21:33,539
vacuuming in my cutoffs. She had a
little bit of trouble keeping her eyes
281
00:21:33,540 --> 00:21:34,589
here.
282
00:21:34,590 --> 00:21:39,140
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