Original subtitles

If anyone here knows of any reason why Kate O 'Brien and Kirk Wayne should not

be joined in holy matrimony, let him speak now or forever hold his peace.

Kate! Kate!

Come back!

You got the fish. Come.

What's the matter, Drew? Did you have the K -dream again?

Oh, yeah.

It was horrible.

I gotta stay awake.

I got a little trick that works for me.

Run up a huge credit card bill at 20%. Get a crappy job with no future and do

something when you were seven that's so horrible nobody would ever know.

When I don't want to sleep, I wear my shoes to bed.

So my brain thinks I'm going somewhere.

Let's get late. We better go. No, no, wait.

You can't go. After midnight, that's when all the fun happens.

It's crazy time. Look, I'm playing pool. It's wrong under the stick. It's nuts.

Will you jerks keep it down? I don't care if it is your house. I'll call the

cops.

Vicki, hey, why don't you join us? We're just sitting around.

Okay, you don't think I know what that means, huh?

You want the fat girl to sit around the house, right?

She sits around the house. She sits around the house.

Yeah. Real clever, fellas.

By the way, I broke your toilet.

Why hasn't some nice young man snapped her up?

We'll see you tomorrow, Drew. Hey, wait, wait. You can't go.

We can play Monopoly or poker.

Watch TV.

Big hole.

Hey, Speedy.

Want to go for a walk with Daddy?

Huh?

Uh,

Mimi, where's my coffee? I've been waiting.

Oh, sorry.

I was bringing it over, but I got distracted by the telephone.

Well, you'll have to find out if the meth lab in your trailer park blew up

later.

Right now, my coffee's more important than your dead friend.

I'm going to let that one go.

I know you're just bitter because all that's left of your $18 million internet

company is this mug.

That's right, 18.

Oh, that's how many teeth are in your hillbilly mouth.

Here, quick one.

Before I give you the coffee, I just want to say I'm sorry for any bad blood

between us, and I'd just like to make up.

Ew, why are your hands all greasy?

Kind of hard to explain in front of everybody, but hey, look at this great

project I'm working on.

I have no idea what my job is.

I'm just trying to look busy.

You've been here a week and you don't know what your job is?

No.

I'm not even sure if it involves typing.

Mr. Wick?

A janitor now?

I couldn't get a job anywhere else. But don't worry, Mimi, I have a plan.

I shall rise to the top again by lying, cheating, and stabbing the back of

anyone who gets in my way, including you.

That's a good plan. You might want to make one adjustment.

Don't tell people you're going to stab them in the back.

Yes, yes, very good. Keep the element of surprise.

Oh, sorry, pardon me. Just a humble janitor.

Not a Machiavellian evil genius.

Causing the downfall of all you unsuspecting little sheep.

For God's sake, I can still hear you over here.

Right, so even more subtle than that.

Hey, everybody, can we have your attention, please?

Team Huddle, people, let's all form a power circle.

So as we all know, NeverEndingStore .com goes live soon.

And my brother Scott and I are royally stoked about that.

Royally stoked?

Didn't you learn anything from our last company? When you said royally stoked on

Nightline, our stock lost 89 points in 10 minutes.

You always have to undercut me.

Why don't you take off the Scott mask, Mom?

Anyway, the hours are going to be getting a little longer for everyone, so

tonight I need a volunteer to pull an all -nighter. I'll do it.

You don't even know what the job is yet.

I don't care. I don't need sleep.

Every time I blink, I get some rest.

Here, watch this.

All refreshed.

Hey, Nikki.

Mine!

Where's Drew?

He had to work late, but you guys can hang out if you want.

Although you probably won't, because who wants to hang out with this?

Hey, don't put yourself down. We'd love to hang out with... that.

All right, well, great. I'll go make some sandwiches.

Well, can't we just eat the pizza?

I, uh, licked the top of the whole thing.

How'd you know we were coming?

I didn't.

Hey, how could Drew be working late when he doesn't even know what a job is?

Well, he doesn't want to come home.

Why should he? When he's asleep, he has nightmares. And when he's awake, he's

got to deal with that big, sad, pizza -licking toilet killer.

You know, if we could get her to move out, I bet it would make

Drew's life a lot easier.

Bet she'd move out if she felt better about herself.

Hey, I know.

You take her out, make her feel beautiful, and I'll random words here.

Does that sound fair?

That sounds fair.

But I know you. You're up to something.

Let's flip for it.

Ready?

Okay, you call it. Head.

Who wins?

Arby's, because that's where I'm taking her.

Let him speak now.

or forever hold his peace.

days straight without any sleep.

And that level of dedication is really cool, man, but we're worried about you.

No one can stay sharp on that little sleep.

Don't worry about me. I don't need sleep.

Everybody needs sleep.

Not me.

Go home, man.

No.

Must keep.

You're getting all Shatner on us.

All right.

All right, I go. But just so you know, I could go a whole week without sleep.

Good night.

I'm not getting off.

I don't want to go home.

Only one reason a man doesn't want to go home at night.

Ugly children.

You got ugly children?

No, I just don't want to go to sleep.

Bad dreams, huh?

Yeah. A woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with went and married some

other guy, and every time I fall asleep, I lose her all over again in this

nightmare.

I had something kind of similar.

The woman I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with got married to

another guy.

I kept having bad dreams about it.

Well, that's very similar.

Don't worry.

You can get over it.

Just do what I did.

What? Give up.

There's one thing I know. There's only one woman for every man.

You lose her, you don't get another shot.

Which one do I jump out if I want to catch both sets of wheels?

You want smiley face platitudes, take a taxi.

Well, I just can't help hoping that I'll get over Kate one day.

Kate? Not Kate O 'Brien.

Yeah, why, you know?

She got the bus earlier today.

Said she made a mistake. Said she married the wrong guy.

Said she's...

Back in town to marry her true love, some guy named Drew.

Well, it's me.

Oh, my God.

This is great.

Well, I guess sometimes things do work out.

Here's your fish.

Hey,

buddy, I think this is your stop.

and you mind if I just keep riding?

Sure, go on.

Hey, I haven't formally met. My name's Drew.

I just started riding the bus. I, uh, had to sell my car. I had a little money

troubles.

Oh, hey.

Enough of my yapping.

How come you decided to become a bus driver, huh?

So I wouldn't have to talk to people.

is way in the back where nobody can see us.

Lewis, why'd you even bother asking me out? You obviously don't want to be seen

with me.

Don't be ridiculous.

I'm going home.

Wait, wait, don't go.

Look, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. The whole point of taking you out

was to make you feel better about yourself.

Oh, come on. You don't care about how I feel.

Yes, I do.

I like you.

You know, and I don't like a lot of people. A lot of people I want to kill.

Really? Yeah.

Me too.

Yeah, yeah.

I even have a list.

So do I.

Look.

You're going to have to race me to that guy. Right?

Hey, Jim.

Can you refresh me up here?

Use this.

What are you doing here?

Was there a breakout at the animal keeping place?

You're a mess.

Here for my takeout, Kim.

Yeah. Yeah.

I'll tell you what's a mess.

The thing that's in the front of your head there with all the stuff

on it.

Please don't go.

You want me to stay?

Yeah, I need someone to stay here and help keep me awake.

Wait a minute.

I know that face.

A lot of men had that look on their face when I got married.

Amazement? Boom, it's forgotten.

This is about O 'Brien getting married, isn't it?

You're pathetic.

You can't even fight back.

Nothing. It's like being the second person to run over a squirrel. Where's

sporting bat?

All right. Come on.

I got something to make you feel better.

Hey.

What are we doing at the dump?

Sleep without dreams.

I'm not going to kill you, pig.

Get up.

Oh, a suicide pact. Even better. Something for everybody.

Shut up. Now, come on.

Blow something away. It'll make you feel better.

This isn't going to help.

Look, some people would go see a shrink. Me, I do this.

Go ahead and try it. Just have to be quiet because this is illegal.

Wow.

Hey, that felt really good.

Damn straight.

If it wasn't for this, I'd be cranky all day.

I just realized something we can only be happy if we live in the now you can't

be a prisoner of your past you can't fear the future I deserve happiness

get all girly on me just shoot the stove Dr. Phil

He should have been captured and made example of. Yeah.

Hey, you know, I really had a good time today. Me too.

Wait,

Lewis.

Too wet?

Yes.

And there's another thing.

You know, you really made me feel better tonight. You showed me that there is

something in me that somebody could love.

Okay, I'm dry now. Let's go.

you is, you made me feel so much better about myself. I'm finally ready to move

out of Drew's house and start dating someone.

Yeah, that's great.

And not just any guy.

I mean, you showed me that I deserve only the best.

And that's not me, is it?

No.

Thanks, Lewis.

You're a great friend.

the date go? Does Nikki feel better about herself?

Yep. And I realized something very important.

The line between self -loathing and too good for Lewis is paper thin.

Hey, man. How are you?

Where have you been? You smell like garbage and gunpowder.

I was at the dump with Mimi.

You're a fool. You can't bury her there. That's the first place they'll look.

I was there shooting stuff off with her to get over Kate.

Oh, did it work?

Yeah.

You know, it really cleared my head. You know what I realized?

Every time we got together, something screwed up. It just wasn't meant to be.

Great. Another problem solved by gun.

Make jokes all you want.

Starting tomorrow, I'm a new man. Know what I'm going to do?

I am going to go out, I'm going to plan the perfect wedding.

Then I'm going to meet the perfect woman.

And on May 19th, I'm going to marry her.

Why May 19th?

It's a good time to go on a honeymoon because that's when all the reruns

That's a great plan, Drew. I got one of my own. On May 20th, I'm going to fly to

the moon in my ass.

Just think.

Somewhere out there, Mrs. Drew Carey is waiting for me right now.

Yeah.

You know, She's good looking. She's probably having sex with another guy

now.

It's my wife you're talking about, pal.

Next week on Brew, the gang's turning up the heat on Kelly.

Do you guys always take shots at each other like this? Oh, sure. Well, we're

close friends.

Wow, I never had a friend that close.

Well, you do now. Crows feed me bar trash.

So she decides to heat things up herself.

Excuse me, you guys.

would like his card for Jim Tomey back, if you don't mind.

Yeah, we're sorry. We're just having a little laugh. Nothing serious. No

problem.

Now it's a problem.

But is her plan too hot to handle?

Boy, they're really bad at saving the hostage.