Original subtitles

You're getting married?

On Saturday?

Yeah, you guys can all make it, right?

Whoa, sit down. Get out of the way.

What about this guy? Where'd you meet him?

Well, he's in the Navy.

It was Fleet Week in New York.

Now, is that a coincidence, or did the Navy decide to make it Fleet Week

you were there?

Anyway, I was on my way to an auction, you know, to buy some stuff for the Rock

and Roll Hall of Fame, and I got lost, and he gave me direction.

And the only way to repay him was with marriage?

No, we spent the next two weeks getting to know each other.

He's a pilot. He flies one of those F -14 Tomcats.

I have a little one of those hanging over my bed.

I cannot not believe that you're going to marry somebody you've only known for

two weeks.

Well, I know this is really sudden, but I tried calling you a bunch of times.

You never called me back.

I was going to call you after 11 to save money, but I kept falling asleep.

I'm not really young enough for my current calling plan.

Well, anyway, he's right outside. I wanted to ease you into this before I

introduced everybody. Are you ready?

Can you give me three weeks to lose 50 pounds? I'll make something of myself.

Drew, you look great. You look great.

Hey.

Everybody, this is Kirk.

Kirk, this is Drew, Oswald, and Lewis.

Hey. Yo.

Nice to meet you.

Can I give you a little marital advice?

Never go to bed angry, because she'll kill you in your sleep.

So, you're Drew?

Yes. My God, it's like looking in a mirror.

Listen, why don't you just stay and have a drink or something?

We don't want to be a bother. We're just going to find a little bar someplace,

have a martini, and call it a night.

I'll make you a martini.

Although, I've got to say, most guys get out of their martini phase when they're

in their 20s.

I am in my 20s.

Yeah.

A martini coming up.

So, Kirk, seen a lot of action.

Well, we haven't made it to breakfast one day this week.

I meant killing. Tell me about the killing.

You okay?

I'm great. And you know why?

She's not going to marry that guy after all.

She's on her way down here tonight. I want to talk some sense of her. Oh,

good luck, too. I got married pretty fast, too, and nobody in the world could

talk me out of it.

He had a Camaro.

Told you that works.

It only works on naive 19 -year -old girls.

Well, fine. I don't want some sophisticated old broad.

Where's Kate?

She said she's really sorry, but she's busy with wedding arrangements.

Damn it.

There'll be plenty of time to talk at the reception.

Is there anything I can help you with?

Yeah. I was wondering about the dress code, because I'm in kind of a sandal

place right now.

Any friend of Kate's can wear whatever he wants to the wedding, all right?

Because we're going to be good friends, you and me.

His eyes are so piercing.

to Kate or she won't even get in touch with me or return my call.

Don't worry about it, Drew. She'll change her mind.

No, it's too late.

You know, the wedding's tomorrow.

This can't be happening.

I mean, the only sure thing in our life is that Drew and Kate are going to get

together. We don't have that.

What do we have to believe in?

Well, we've still got that thing where we're all just six people away from

Bacon.

Once he dies, we've got nothing.

Come here, Lee.

Yeah.

Kate Penn, her boyfriend, huh?

Yeah. Yeah. You know, I'm her best friend.

I don't know why she won't talk to me. Well, yes, you are her best friend. And

maybe deep down she knows rushing into this is just crazy. And you are the one

person who can make her face that.

Wow.

You know what?

I think maybe you're right. I'm going to go have a talk with her.

This is romantic. He's going to stop the wedding of a woman he's always loved.

I never stopped a wedding.

I did stop a funeral once by yelling, Grandpa's alive!

He's alive and mad!

Drew!

I thought you were just going to leave the punch bowl.

I didn't know you were going to be here.

Yeah, well, this is the only way I could think of to get you face to face so I

could tell you exactly what I think about this marriage.

put it in a note.

In this hustle -bustle -go -go world, no one writes letters anymore. Thanks for

the ball.

Dave, what is your rush?

I just don't get it.

You know, if you're in love with them now, you'll be in love with them six

months from now.

Congratulations. That's exactly what my parents said.

Well, you know, as I've gotten older, I realize that our parents are an untapped

source of wisdom.

Yeah, parents are great. Mine aren't even coming to their only daughter's

wedding.

Well, maybe they're trying to make you stop and think.

You know you don't make the best decisions on impulse.

Joe, this is my life, and it's my decision.

But you listen to yourself.

All of a sudden, this marriage is all about you.

I mean, we're the ones who are going to have to hang out with this guy. He's

going to be part of our group now.

I wouldn't go marrying somebody without talking to you first.

Again.

really going to be a part of the group.

And unfortunately, I'm not going to be either.

Well, I don't know. What are you talking about?

I was going to tell you at the reception.

We're not actually going to be living in Cleveland.

Where are you going to be living?

Cam? Akron?

Guam?

station. That's why I'm rushing into this, because he leaves next week.

Oh, well, the Red Baron certainly must be vital to the country's defense if

they're stationing him all the way out in Guam.

Okay, Drew, the toughest part of this was knowing how this was going to make

feel, but this is really important to me. I need you to understand.

You could be a serial killer for all you know. You're only in them two weeks.

You need me 30 years. I turned out to be a bigamist.

Bye, Drew.

I'm obviously not going to change your mind. I'm sorry.

Please forgive me and have a good life.

Thank you, Drew.

And I didn't get you a wedding present from the store, but I got something

really great that I want you to have.

Drew, is it your grandmother's pearl necklace?

taking your life oh open the door no you don't know anything about this guy so

i'm gonna find out about him that's what okay drew drew okay okay what

well he he has been the one pushing the marriage i wouldn't mind slowing

everything down a little maybe i should just postpone the wedding really

yeah no open the door sweetie

or should we pick up the shovel, Kate?

Tim!

Hey,

guys. Hey.

Hey, Tim.

Hey, Steve.

Steve?

Steve Carey!

Oh, my God! Little Kelly Newmark! Oh!

I haven't seen you since you were ten years old!

Well, you had a great giggle.

Do it now.

Oh, come on. Do it now. Do it now. Oh, come on. I don't know.

What's that?

You used to be such a fun guy.

Now you're just this dodgy old guy.

Oh, yeah?

Well, you get ready to giggle.

This is little Kelly Newmark. I used to babysit for her.

Hi. She begged me to do that for old time's sake.

Oh, actually, I wanted the church and steeple.

I never dreamed you'd start blowing on my stomach.

I'm sorry.

This is the church?

This is the steeple. Do that again and I'll hack off your people.

Hey, I need your help.

Hey, Drew.

How'd you know we'd be here?

Well, it's after five, and all the museums and libraries are closed.

Listen, I have Kate locked in my basement.

I like it. Go on.

Something's wrong with this Kirk guy. I don't know what it is, but I am going to

find out what. We're with you, Jerome. You have Kate locked in your basement?

What is wrong with you?

Oh, I see. So stopping a wedding is romantic, but locking a woman in your

basement isn't, huh?

Where's the line, lady? Where's the line?

Hey, nice to see you.

Good to see you.

So, what did you need to talk to me about?

Oh, have a seat. I've got a board.

You know,

you married our best friend. We don't know a damn thing about you, so I just

want to have enough chat. Yeah, I'd like to get to know you guys better, too.

Well, where are you from?

Well, I was born in Kansas City. Oh, Kansas City.

Which one? Missouri or Kansas?

Kansas. Great town for ribs.

So you ever give refuge to a runaway and force her into pornography?

No. No?

So where'd you go to college?

Uh, well, I was lucky and I got an appointment to Annapolis.

Oh, Annapolis.

Great town for ribs.

Did you ever dance in the moonlight in another man's skin?

Drew! Drew, let me out of here!

You're making a big mistake!

Nikki. Is that you?

Yeah. Nikki, let me out. Drew locked me in the basement.

I can't. It's locked. Where does Drew keep the key?

I don't know. Look around. Maybe the cookie jar?

Uh, no, that's in the upstairs bathroom, and, uh, it's empty.

Uh, try the cupboard.

Why, uh, why did Drew lock you in the basement?

Are you jealous because I'm marrying this great guy who treats me like a

princess?

Treats you like a princess, huh?

Yeah, when he looks into my eyes and tells me I'm the most beautiful woman in

the world, I have never been so happy.

Well, if you're happy, I'm happy.

Okay, all right, I got one.

Worst thing I ever did.

When I was in high school, I told a girl her dad was dead so I could hug her.

Yeah.

I once raised $165 for Jerry's kids the same summer I bought a bike.

What about you, Kirk?

I probably shouldn't tell you guys.

Oh, come on, Kirk.

Okay.

Back when I was getting drunk every night, I cheated on my wife with her

friend.

It's a good one.

It's a real good one.

Uh -oh.

Okay, everybody out.

Except Drew.

Honey, what's going on?

Everything's fine. I just need to talk to Drew for a few minutes. We were just

playing this little game. Yeah. What's the worst thing you ever did?

Ask me in an hour.

How'd you get out?

I used a big can of spinach I found down there.

What do you mean? You ate it and it gave you muscles?

No, I used it to knock off the doorknob. Drew, of all the stupid things you've

done in your life, this is one of the worst. Yeah, well, you know what? I'm

I did. Because I found out some pretty shady things about your flyboy here. You

know, he used to be married and that he cheated on his wife with her best

friend? Yeah.

You know that he drinks almost as much as I do? That's not good.

Drew, I know about his past.

He was a kid who made mistakes, like me. That's why we're perfect for each

other.

You've only known this guy for two weeks.

How can you possibly be ready to marry him?

How can you do that?

I can just do it. I just know he's the right person.

Oh, yeah. What did you meet? And the night you met, it was so magical. The

were out, and you were just perfect.

No, actually, it was raining, I had stomach flu, and I got bumped by a cab.

it was the best night of my life because I was with him.

Drew, you're not trying to protect me. You just don't want to lose me.

Drew, just be honest.

I still love you, Kate.

But I'm in love with somebody else.

Yeah, well, I'm sorry. I don't know what to say.

Well, I'm sorry, too.

So, um, I guess I'll see you tomorrow.

No, no, I'm not, uh, I can't, uh, I can't handle you watching you getting

married to some other guy.

But you're my best friend. You have to be there.

Drew, you have to be there. I'm sorry. If you cared for me, you'd want me to be

happy.

That's it.

She's going to get married and we're never going to see her again.

She made her own bed.

See if she wants to go good riddance.

You don't mean that.

You're just talking tough to keep from crying.

What crappy turnout.

Standing room only when I got married.

It's really not fair to compare, Mimi. You had all those people from Ripley.

We're in God's house, so I'm not going to hurt you. But when we get out to his

parking lot, I'm going to kick your ass.

Whoa. I wouldn't mind blowing on his stomach.

A little lower, maybe.

Get out of my head.

What are you doing here?

I just want you to be happy.

Who gives this woman to be married?

I do.

Dearly beloved, we're gathered here today in the sight of God to give

recognition and worth to the beauty of love.

And we give our blessings and best wishes to these words which shall unite

and Kate.

in holy matrimony.

Well,

it's three in the morning.

We better get going.

Yeah, I'll see you guys later.

Drew, do you mind if we stay for another?

Sure, if you want.

Who can turn the world on with her smile?

Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?

Well, it's you, girl, and you should know it.

With each glance and every little movement you show...

Next week on Drew.

I'll forever hold his peace.

Kate's marriage is a nightmare for Drew.

Drew, did you have the Kate dream again?

So he'll do anything to stay awake. Tonight I need a volunteer to pull an

-nighter. I'll do it.

But when he reaches the end of his rope... You're gonna crash, okay?

Look.

Keep working.

You're getting all Shatner on us.

What, maybe put an end to his misery?

What are we doing with the dump?