Original subtitles

Normally, I don't come to a guy's house on the first date. Uh, you know, Tina,

that's smart.

There's a lot of guys who try to get a woman to his place and then plow her

alcohol.

Philip, I'm wasting time. I'm going to get a beer. You want to put some music

on?

Which CD?

Uh, Power Balance of the 80s, Volume 3.

If it's all the same with you, I'd rather just make out.

Thought you were going to walk around the mall for a few hours, get a big

cookie.

I did the second part.

You know, you're a lucky woman to be going out with, Drew, I know. I used to

married to him.

Hey, want to see our wedding picture?

Me and Kate, the real love of his life.

So what happened to the love of your life?

Well, you know, love of your life, that's an overused

phrase, you know, just because you've been pining for somebody for 30 years

doesn't necessarily make her the love of your life.

Why don't I just get us a couple more beers?

Sorry, your name just flew right out of my head.

Bye -bye.

Tina! Hey, Tina.

Have a nice life, Tina.

Hey, man.

You just can't keep scaring away my dates like that.

And look at you.

You're supposed to be here turning your life around, and you haven't done a damn

thing. No, I'm a lot better, Drew. I'm not even trying to kill you anymore.

I know, and believe me, that's the first thing I look for in a friend.

But it's time for you to move on.

I have nowhere else to go. You're the only person who's ever cared about me.

Well, that's not true.

Come here.

You have, like, cheesecake in your hair.

and put my head down.

You can stay here as long as you want. You know that.

Hey, it's a nice night out tonight. You want to go sit on the front porch with

me?

No.

I don't see if this baby's up to clue.

Skateboarding, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah, we do it at night so the kids don't make fun of us.

A call from Kate in New York. She met a guy at the rock and roll auction, so

she's going to stay another couple days.

Oh, great. A New York guy.

Bet he's like one of those Sex and the City guys that sits around all day

talking about sex.

Those aren't guys. They're women.

What, really?

Even the big blonde one? Yeah.

Hey, how's the job hunt going? I went to the blood bank today. Does that answer

your question?

You got car payments. You got house payments. Not to mention Hungry Hungry

in there.

I don't have a car anymore. I sold it. You sold your car?

Man, your life sucks.

You got to get him out of here. Show him a good time.

Yeah, I guess.

What are you guys thinking about? A miniature golf or something?

Wow.

You know, I think it is a crime that America's teachers make $35 ,000 a year.

It's somebody like this only makes 75 bucks.

Gentlemen, give it up for the tasty Miss Candy Mints.

Forget about it, Nicky Drew. Just sit back, relax. Let's have a nice night

a bunch of beautiful, nameless women.

All you need is this.

Drew?

Drew?

It's Little Kelly Newmark.

So, uh, how's everything?

I'm guessing your parents are dead?

But it's a five o 'clock world when the woods are blue.

Now I lose a piece of my time.

There's a five o 'clock me inside my clothes.

I didn't think that anyone that I knew would actually be here.

You know, it's my first time.

I'm only doing this because, well, things have been kind of rough for me

Yeah, well, me too. Yeah, I got laid off for months. The department store I

worked for is being turned into some online Internet thingamajig.

Well, at least you had a career. I never worked. I got married right out of high

school. I was just a housewife.

And then ever since the divorce, I...

Special amateur night. Welcome to the lovely bliss.

That's me.

I can't let you go up on stage like this.

Yeah. Mess up your hair a little. Smear your makeup. I like it.

No, no. Stop.

Stop.

You don't have to do this. All right? You know we haven't seen each other in a

long time.

But I have a spare room in my house, and you're welcome to crash there for a

while to get back on your feet.

Really? You'd do that for me?

Absolutely. I mean, we'd go way back.

If you saw me start to strip, you'd stop me, right?

In a heartbeat.

Hey! Hey, Nikki!

exercising, and I saw myself in the mirror, and I caught a glimpse of the

I used to be, and I realized doing three jumping jacks a week is not going to

help, so I'm getting rid of all my junk food.

Hey, good for you, huh? Come here.

Drew, you're always there for me.

Well, I care so much about you.

By the way, a stripper's going to be living with us.

float in a pretty parade.

Yeah. Kelly? Kelly, this is Nicky. Hi. Nicky, Kelly. Yeah.

about this.

Oh, don't worry about her.

I mean, she sleeps 18, 19 hours a day.

Thank you. Thank you so much. I'm going to check out the bedroom upstairs, okay?

And don't you worry. Tomorrow I am going to find a job.

Unfortunately, I've just been a housewife.

The only thing I know how to do is have sex and cook.

I think I have a great idea for a theme restaurant.

How are you going to support all these people? You don't even have a job.

Oh, don't worry. I'll find something.

I just wish my resume had more on it than one stinking store.

Yeah, well, I heard the new owners of that stinking store are hiring.

No, Mimi said not to bother.

They're all filled up.

Wait a minute, who said that?

Mimi.

Man, what's the point of having an archenemy if you're going to believe

everything she says?

Wow.

Look at this place. I can't believe this used to be Winford Louder.

Looks like Mr.

Spacely's office.

Welcome, people.

I'm Evan. This is my brother, Scott.

Good luck getting a job at NeverEndingStore .com. We plan to sell

and our goal is to be the biggest Internet retail outlet in the world.

Well, I wouldn't say it's our goal to be the biggest in the world. I just want

to do good work in a supportive environment. Thank you very much.

Well, that isn't a supportive environment, Scott.

Well, it's a ghost of a guy that used to work here in the 50s.

Hi, I'm Drew Carey. I'm here for the office manager job.

Yeah, and you know, I noticed on the way in here, a couple of the employees had

their coffee cups next to the keyboards. You know, if they spill something...

There could be a little electrocution thing happening, and then you're up to

your neck in workman's comp forms. The B -75s, the A -19s, the whole K -series,

practically.

I'm tweaking from Red Bulls right now, and that almost put me to sleep.

Yeah, but he knows about all the crap we don't want to deal with.

He'd make a good office manager.

Well, it's either him or that lady that showed us all the scars from her knife

fights.

What do you mean, Mimi?

Yeah.

Easier to control.

All my spine does is hold up my head, sir.

Well, well, well.

What are you doing wasting your time here? Told you there were no job

Apparently not, because I think I'm the new office manager.

I really needed that job.

Look, Steve's going to kill me for telling you this, but he got fired from

prison. They caught him sleeping on the lethal injection table.

Oh, well, geez, you didn't tell me anything about it. So if I can't have

job, at least lend me 50 bucks.

Please.

Oh, boy.

Yeah, sure. I'll give you a couple bucks right away. Here.

Thanks. I know it's tough out there even for single guys with no little mouth to

feed.

Oh.

It's kind of like when the dragon fell for the donkey in Shrek.

Okay, man.

How'd the interview go?

Great. I got the job. Oh, great.

And I gave it to Mimi.

all the money in my wallet.

Are you crazy? You can't afford that. You're pawning stuff to survive.

I'll be all right.

Here, have some pizza.

Hey, where's your couch?

We're eating it.

Drew, it's Kate again.

Please call me as soon as you can.

All right, talk to you soon.

I got some free weekend minutes. I'll call her Saturday.

I'm sure it's nothing that can't wait.

How'd that fit?

It's perfect.

I'll take it.

It kills me to see it sitting on the floor like that. It's just so sad.

Can I sit in the chair, then? Maybe after I finish my point.

Drew, you let everybody walk all over you. Kelly, Nikki, Mimi, me.

You're a doormat.

I'm not a doormat. I'm a nice guy.

Oh, yeah?

Let me tell you about a few other nice people, all right?

Abraham Lincoln, shot.

Mahatma Gandhi, shot.

Andy Griffith, shot.

Andy Griffith wasn't shot.

Exactly. You know why?

Because he's a monster.

Hey, guys.

Hey. Kelly, good to know you're here. How are you feeling? Yeah, I'm okay. I'm

just a little... tired. I guess I'm still getting used to this house's

You know, the house settling, the floorboards creaking from Nikki pacing

and forth.

Does she have a deli slicer up there?

So, jumbo's been keeping you awake, huh?

What, the thundering of my mighty tree trunk legs has been disturbing little

princess's slumber?

I did not say that. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Listen, Kelly, if the noise is bothering you, just take my bedroom. I'll move

downstairs. Really?

Oh, thank you, Drew. Thank you. I'm going to go up right now and change the

sheets.

You just gave away your bedroom, Drew.

You really are a doormat.

You know, it's not too late to change. You don't want to be known as another

Lincoln or Gandhi.

Hey, I'm not a Lincoln or Gandhi, okay?

I'm going over to that store right now and I'm going to get myself a job.

Yeah, you go for it. Forget him, tiger.

A lot of passion for a crappy little job.

to my life coaching.

Uh, hey, listen, about the job.

Look, you're wasting your time. The only job openings we have here are for

hardcore tech.

Well, I can do tech.

Are you fluent in Linux?

What? Linux? Yeah.

Yeah.

Have you worked with Red Hat 7 .2?

More like Old Hat 7 .2, if you ask me.

We have your resume, so we'll think about it.

No.

No, listen, this is a one -day offer only.

Let me tell you why you should hire me.

For 20 years, 20 years I worked at the store that used to be here, and they

screwed me.

Okay, they took everything. They took my health benefits, my pension,

everything. It's gone.

But here I am. I'm back.

I am back for more.

Now, what did that tell you about me?

You work like a dog and you hate yourself.

Do we have one of those?

No, but we need one.

Hey, what?

I'm going to give you a shot.

We're going to make you the internal expediting analyst.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you. You won't regret this.

I'm going to be the best internal expediting analyst you ever had.

Internal expediting analyst. That's great.

What do you do?

I have no idea.

Wait a minute. You're going to take money for doing nothing? That doesn't

like you.

Good. For once, I'm not going to be the guy who always tries to save the store.

I just want to get a paycheck and lay low.

Hey. Hi, guys. Hey.

How's it going? Oh, pretty good. How did it go today?

I got a job.

How about you?

No. No luck.

Drew, I was hoping that I would move out this week, but it might be a little

while. Is that okay?

Yeah, take as long as you want. I'm an internal expediting analyst now. Do you

have any idea how much that pays?

No. Yeah, I was hoping somebody would.

Order something.

Oh, great. Oh, no, no. Let me.

Oh.

Boy, kid, boy.

It's tough to get a job out there without any skill.

Yeah, I sure wish there was something she could do.

Okay, I got a cheeseburger, ketchup, no mayo.

A BLT slaw on the side.

Knives go on the right. Oops, this one's dirty. I'll get you another one.

Everyone okay here? I'll have another beer.

You got it, hon.

You know, I just thought of something she could do.

Neuroendocrinologist.

I can't believe you got this couch back from the pawn shop. Yeah, especially

since it had a sign on it that said, free with any pistol.

Got my couch back, got a job.

My stripper and my fat girl are getting along.

How was New York? It was good.

Drew, I was trying to reach you because I have something important to tell you.

I'm getting married tomorrow.

Oh, wait a minute. What day is it today?

Thursday. Oh, you know what? I'm getting married the day after tomorrow.