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Normally, I don't come to a guy's house
on the first date. Uh, you know, Tina,
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that's smart.
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00:00:05,731 --> 00:00:08,719
There's a lot of guys who try to get a
woman to his place and then plow her
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00:00:08,720 --> 00:00:09,770
alcohol.
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00:00:09,771 --> 00:00:13,919
Philip, I'm wasting time. I'm going to
get a beer. You want to put some music
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on?
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Which CD?
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Uh, Power Balance of the 80s, Volume 3.
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If it's all the same with you, I'd
rather just make out.
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Thought you were going to walk around
the mall for a few hours, get a big
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cookie.
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I did the second part.
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You know, you're a lucky woman to be
going out with, Drew, I know. I used to
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00:01:38,560 --> 00:01:39,479
married to him.
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00:01:39,480 --> 00:01:41,340
Hey, want to see our wedding picture?
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00:01:55,660 --> 00:01:58,200
Me and Kate, the real love of his life.
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00:01:59,660 --> 00:02:01,770
So what happened to the love of your
life?
18
00:02:03,300 --> 00:02:10,279
Well, you know, love of your life,
that's an overused
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00:02:10,280 --> 00:02:13,679
phrase, you know, just because you've
been pining for somebody for 30 years
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00:02:13,680 --> 00:02:17,740
doesn't necessarily make her the love of
your life.
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00:02:26,570 --> 00:02:28,740
Why don't I just get us a couple more
beers?
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00:02:31,250 --> 00:02:33,600
Sorry, your name just flew right out of
my head.
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Bye -bye.
24
00:02:42,550 --> 00:02:44,010
Tina! Hey, Tina.
25
00:02:44,650 --> 00:02:45,730
Have a nice life, Tina.
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00:02:50,330 --> 00:02:51,380
Hey, man.
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00:02:51,490 --> 00:02:54,080
You just can't keep scaring away my
dates like that.
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00:02:54,530 --> 00:02:55,580
And look at you.
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00:02:55,581 --> 00:02:58,539
You're supposed to be here turning your
life around, and you haven't done a damn
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00:02:58,540 --> 00:03:02,560
thing. No, I'm a lot better, Drew. I'm
not even trying to kill you anymore.
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00:03:06,780 --> 00:03:10,150
I know, and believe me, that's the first
thing I look for in a friend.
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00:03:12,140 --> 00:03:13,640
But it's time for you to move on.
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00:03:13,900 --> 00:03:17,980
I have nowhere else to go. You're the
only person who's ever cared about me.
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00:03:18,660 --> 00:03:19,740
Well, that's not true.
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Come here.
36
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You have, like, cheesecake in your hair.
37
00:03:32,200 --> 00:03:33,250
and put my head down.
38
00:03:39,460 --> 00:03:42,240
You can stay here as long as you want.
You know that.
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00:03:42,241 --> 00:03:47,279
Hey, it's a nice night out tonight. You
want to go sit on the front porch with
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00:03:47,280 --> 00:03:48,239
me?
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00:03:48,240 --> 00:03:49,290
No.
42
00:04:03,420 --> 00:04:05,160
I don't see if this baby's up to clue.
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00:04:21,641 --> 00:04:23,499
Skateboarding, huh?
44
00:04:23,500 --> 00:04:24,550
Yeah.
45
00:04:25,420 --> 00:04:28,070
Yeah, we do it at night so the kids
don't make fun of us.
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00:04:28,651 --> 00:04:35,119
A call from Kate in New York. She met a
guy at the rock and roll auction, so
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she's going to stay another couple days.
48
00:04:36,580 --> 00:04:37,800
Oh, great. A New York guy.
49
00:04:37,801 --> 00:04:40,879
Bet he's like one of those Sex and the
City guys that sits around all day
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talking about sex.
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00:04:43,920 --> 00:04:45,540
Those aren't guys. They're women.
52
00:04:48,600 --> 00:04:49,650
What, really?
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00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:53,640
Even the big blonde one? Yeah.
54
00:04:53,641 --> 00:04:59,519
Hey, how's the job hunt going? I went to
the blood bank today. Does that answer
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00:04:59,520 --> 00:05:00,570
your question?
56
00:05:00,571 --> 00:05:06,409
You got car payments. You got house
payments. Not to mention Hungry Hungry
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00:05:06,410 --> 00:05:07,460
in there.
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00:05:11,530 --> 00:05:14,410
I don't have a car anymore. I sold it.
You sold your car?
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00:05:14,930 --> 00:05:16,090
Man, your life sucks.
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00:05:18,350 --> 00:05:20,760
You got to get him out of here. Show him
a good time.
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00:05:21,290 --> 00:05:22,340
Yeah, I guess.
62
00:05:22,341 --> 00:05:25,749
What are you guys thinking about? A
miniature golf or something?
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00:05:25,750 --> 00:05:26,800
Wow.
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00:05:26,870 --> 00:05:32,250
You know, I think it is a crime that
America's teachers make $35 ,000 a year.
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00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:35,700
It's somebody like this only makes 75
bucks.
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00:05:37,460 --> 00:05:41,000
Gentlemen, give it up for the tasty Miss
Candy Mints.
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00:05:41,600 --> 00:05:47,959
Forget about it, Nicky Drew. Just sit
back, relax. Let's have a nice night
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a bunch of beautiful, nameless women.
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00:05:51,760 --> 00:05:52,920
All you need is this.
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00:05:53,140 --> 00:05:54,190
Drew?
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00:05:54,620 --> 00:05:55,670
Drew?
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00:06:08,430 --> 00:06:09,750
It's Little Kelly Newmark.
73
00:06:12,310 --> 00:06:14,670
So, uh, how's everything?
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00:06:15,350 --> 00:06:17,230
I'm guessing your parents are dead?
75
00:06:38,140 --> 00:06:41,820
But it's a five o 'clock world when the
woods are blue.
76
00:06:42,440 --> 00:06:45,000
Now I lose a piece of my time.
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00:06:45,940 --> 00:06:49,900
There's a five o 'clock me inside my
clothes.
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00:07:08,750 --> 00:07:11,820
I didn't think that anyone that I knew
would actually be here.
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00:07:11,990 --> 00:07:13,730
You know, it's my first time.
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00:07:14,410 --> 00:07:18,530
I'm only doing this because, well,
things have been kind of rough for me
81
00:07:18,870 --> 00:07:22,569
Yeah, well, me too. Yeah, I got laid off
for months. The department store I
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00:07:22,570 --> 00:07:25,609
worked for is being turned into some
online Internet thingamajig.
83
00:07:25,610 --> 00:07:28,949
Well, at least you had a career. I never
worked. I got married right out of high
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00:07:28,950 --> 00:07:30,390
school. I was just a housewife.
85
00:07:30,690 --> 00:07:32,730
And then ever since the divorce, I...
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00:07:49,830 --> 00:07:53,110
Special amateur night. Welcome to the
lovely bliss.
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00:07:54,830 --> 00:07:55,880
That's me.
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00:07:59,890 --> 00:08:01,820
I can't let you go up on stage like
this.
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00:08:02,030 --> 00:08:05,310
Yeah. Mess up your hair a little. Smear
your makeup. I like it.
90
00:08:07,890 --> 00:08:08,940
No, no. Stop.
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00:08:09,090 --> 00:08:10,140
Stop.
92
00:08:10,141 --> 00:08:14,229
You don't have to do this. All right?
You know we haven't seen each other in a
93
00:08:14,230 --> 00:08:15,280
long time.
94
00:08:15,969 --> 00:08:19,789
But I have a spare room in my house, and
you're welcome to crash there for a
95
00:08:19,790 --> 00:08:21,230
while to get back on your feet.
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00:08:21,270 --> 00:08:23,550
Really? You'd do that for me?
97
00:08:23,950 --> 00:08:25,690
Absolutely. I mean, we'd go way back.
98
00:08:26,230 --> 00:08:28,760
If you saw me start to strip, you'd stop
me, right?
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00:08:29,950 --> 00:08:31,000
In a heartbeat.
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00:08:35,250 --> 00:08:36,669
Hey! Hey, Nikki!
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00:08:45,841 --> 00:08:52,709
exercising, and I saw myself in the
mirror, and I caught a glimpse of the
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00:08:52,710 --> 00:08:57,389
I used to be, and I realized doing three
jumping jacks a week is not going to
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00:08:57,390 --> 00:09:01,570
help, so I'm getting rid of all my junk
food.
104
00:09:01,930 --> 00:09:04,710
Hey, good for you, huh? Come here.
105
00:09:05,810 --> 00:09:08,330
Drew, you're always there for me.
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00:09:08,670 --> 00:09:11,810
Well, I care so much about you.
107
00:09:12,170 --> 00:09:14,890
By the way, a stripper's going to be
living with us.
108
00:09:24,620 --> 00:09:25,820
float in a pretty parade.
109
00:09:32,380 --> 00:09:35,800
Yeah. Kelly? Kelly, this is Nicky. Hi.
Nicky, Kelly. Yeah.
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about this.
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00:10:02,840 --> 00:10:04,079
Oh, don't worry about her.
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00:10:04,080 --> 00:10:05,820
I mean, she sleeps 18, 19 hours a day.
113
00:10:05,821 --> 00:10:10,739
Thank you. Thank you so much. I'm going
to check out the bedroom upstairs, okay?
114
00:10:10,740 --> 00:10:13,330
And don't you worry. Tomorrow I am going
to find a job.
115
00:10:14,100 --> 00:10:16,330
Unfortunately, I've just been a
housewife.
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00:10:16,440 --> 00:10:19,920
The only thing I know how to do is have
sex and cook.
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00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:24,670
I think I have a great idea for a theme
restaurant.
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00:10:24,671 --> 00:10:30,259
How are you going to support all these
people? You don't even have a job.
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00:10:30,260 --> 00:10:32,039
Oh, don't worry. I'll find something.
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00:10:32,040 --> 00:10:34,990
I just wish my resume had more on it
than one stinking store.
121
00:10:34,991 --> 00:10:38,479
Yeah, well, I heard the new owners of
that stinking store are hiring.
122
00:10:38,480 --> 00:10:39,900
No, Mimi said not to bother.
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00:10:40,380 --> 00:10:41,460
They're all filled up.
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00:10:43,940 --> 00:10:45,380
Wait a minute, who said that?
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Mimi.
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00:10:47,711 --> 00:10:52,899
Man, what's the point of having an
archenemy if you're going to believe
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00:10:52,900 --> 00:10:53,980
everything she says?
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00:10:56,480 --> 00:10:57,530
Wow.
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00:10:58,100 --> 00:11:01,350
Look at this place. I can't believe this
used to be Winford Louder.
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00:11:01,351 --> 00:11:03,169
Looks like Mr.
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00:11:03,170 --> 00:11:04,220
Spacely's office.
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00:11:07,310 --> 00:11:08,360
Welcome, people.
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00:11:08,530 --> 00:11:10,690
I'm Evan. This is my brother, Scott.
134
00:11:10,990 --> 00:11:15,790
Good luck getting a job at
NeverEndingStore .com. We plan to sell
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00:11:15,930 --> 00:11:19,360
and our goal is to be the biggest
Internet retail outlet in the world.
136
00:11:19,361 --> 00:11:23,589
Well, I wouldn't say it's our goal to be
the biggest in the world. I just want
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00:11:23,590 --> 00:11:26,780
to do good work in a supportive
environment. Thank you very much.
138
00:11:30,860 --> 00:11:33,450
Well, that isn't a supportive
environment, Scott.
139
00:11:34,780 --> 00:11:38,620
Well, it's a ghost of a guy that used to
work here in the 50s.
140
00:11:45,520 --> 00:11:49,220
Hi, I'm Drew Carey. I'm here for the
office manager job.
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00:11:49,221 --> 00:11:52,499
Yeah, and you know, I noticed on the way
in here, a couple of the employees had
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00:11:52,500 --> 00:11:55,759
their coffee cups next to the keyboards.
You know, if they spill something...
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00:11:55,760 --> 00:11:58,159
There could be a little electrocution
thing happening, and then you're up to
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00:11:58,160 --> 00:12:02,140
your neck in workman's comp forms. The B
-75s, the A -19s, the whole K -series,
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00:12:02,160 --> 00:12:03,210
practically.
146
00:12:06,240 --> 00:12:09,730
I'm tweaking from Red Bulls right now,
and that almost put me to sleep.
147
00:12:11,140 --> 00:12:14,270
Yeah, but he knows about all the crap we
don't want to deal with.
148
00:12:14,300 --> 00:12:15,860
He'd make a good office manager.
149
00:12:15,861 --> 00:12:19,319
Well, it's either him or that lady that
showed us all the scars from her knife
150
00:12:19,320 --> 00:12:20,370
fights.
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00:12:22,060 --> 00:12:23,200
What do you mean, Mimi?
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00:12:23,340 --> 00:12:24,390
Yeah.
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00:12:25,780 --> 00:12:26,880
Easier to control.
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00:12:30,060 --> 00:12:32,460
All my spine does is hold up my head,
sir.
155
00:12:41,680 --> 00:12:43,320
Well, well, well.
156
00:12:44,760 --> 00:12:48,660
What are you doing wasting your time
here? Told you there were no job
157
00:12:49,060 --> 00:12:52,070
Apparently not, because I think I'm the
new office manager.
158
00:12:55,950 --> 00:12:57,150
I really needed that job.
159
00:12:58,790 --> 00:13:03,069
Look, Steve's going to kill me for
telling you this, but he got fired from
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00:13:03,070 --> 00:13:06,260
prison. They caught him sleeping on the
lethal injection table.
161
00:13:10,010 --> 00:13:14,049
Oh, well, geez, you didn't tell me
anything about it. So if I can't have
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00:13:14,050 --> 00:13:15,610
job, at least lend me 50 bucks.
163
00:13:16,710 --> 00:13:17,760
Please.
164
00:13:19,770 --> 00:13:20,820
Oh, boy.
165
00:13:21,110 --> 00:13:24,250
Yeah, sure. I'll give you a couple bucks
right away. Here.
166
00:13:25,989 --> 00:13:30,509
Thanks. I know it's tough out there even
for single guys with no little mouth to
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00:13:30,510 --> 00:13:31,560
feed.
168
00:13:33,550 --> 00:13:34,600
Oh.
169
00:13:36,830 --> 00:13:39,900
It's kind of like when the dragon fell
for the donkey in Shrek.
170
00:13:47,670 --> 00:13:48,720
Okay, man.
171
00:13:48,721 --> 00:13:49,869
How'd the interview go?
172
00:13:49,870 --> 00:13:51,410
Great. I got the job. Oh, great.
173
00:13:52,110 --> 00:13:53,270
And I gave it to Mimi.
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00:13:55,950 --> 00:13:57,210
all the money in my wallet.
175
00:13:58,470 --> 00:14:01,960
Are you crazy? You can't afford that.
You're pawning stuff to survive.
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00:14:01,961 --> 00:14:03,109
I'll be all right.
177
00:14:03,110 --> 00:14:04,190
Here, have some pizza.
178
00:14:04,870 --> 00:14:06,130
Hey, where's your couch?
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00:14:07,450 --> 00:14:08,500
We're eating it.
180
00:14:15,810 --> 00:14:16,910
Drew, it's Kate again.
181
00:14:17,330 --> 00:14:18,910
Please call me as soon as you can.
182
00:14:19,690 --> 00:14:21,010
All right, talk to you soon.
183
00:14:22,770 --> 00:14:25,540
I got some free weekend minutes. I'll
call her Saturday.
184
00:14:28,520 --> 00:14:30,380
I'm sure it's nothing that can't wait.
185
00:14:30,700 --> 00:14:31,750
How'd that fit?
186
00:14:31,800 --> 00:14:32,850
It's perfect.
187
00:14:33,460 --> 00:14:34,510
I'll take it.
188
00:14:39,640 --> 00:14:43,720
It kills me to see it sitting on the
floor like that. It's just so sad.
189
00:14:45,900 --> 00:14:48,790
Can I sit in the chair, then? Maybe
after I finish my point.
190
00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:56,020
Drew, you let everybody walk all over
you. Kelly, Nikki, Mimi, me.
191
00:14:56,540 --> 00:14:57,590
You're a doormat.
192
00:14:58,830 --> 00:15:00,330
I'm not a doormat. I'm a nice guy.
193
00:15:00,490 --> 00:15:01,540
Oh, yeah?
194
00:15:01,730 --> 00:15:04,560
Let me tell you about a few other nice
people, all right?
195
00:15:04,950 --> 00:15:06,490
Abraham Lincoln, shot.
196
00:15:08,690 --> 00:15:10,090
Mahatma Gandhi, shot.
197
00:15:11,710 --> 00:15:13,130
Andy Griffith, shot.
198
00:15:15,890 --> 00:15:17,210
Andy Griffith wasn't shot.
199
00:15:17,350 --> 00:15:18,430
Exactly. You know why?
200
00:15:18,470 --> 00:15:19,610
Because he's a monster.
201
00:15:20,621 --> 00:15:22,689
Hey, guys.
202
00:15:22,690 --> 00:15:26,029
Hey. Kelly, good to know you're here.
How are you feeling? Yeah, I'm okay. I'm
203
00:15:26,030 --> 00:15:29,279
just a little... tired. I guess I'm
still getting used to this house's
204
00:15:29,280 --> 00:15:34,379
You know, the house settling, the
floorboards creaking from Nikki pacing
205
00:15:34,380 --> 00:15:35,430
and forth.
206
00:15:36,900 --> 00:15:38,900
Does she have a deli slicer up there?
207
00:15:41,720 --> 00:15:45,740
So, jumbo's been keeping you awake, huh?
208
00:15:46,400 --> 00:15:51,199
What, the thundering of my mighty tree
trunk legs has been disturbing little
209
00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:52,380
princess's slumber?
210
00:15:52,720 --> 00:15:55,400
I did not say that. Hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey.
211
00:15:57,379 --> 00:16:01,359
Listen, Kelly, if the noise is bothering
you, just take my bedroom. I'll move
212
00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:02,480
downstairs. Really?
213
00:16:02,481 --> 00:16:05,559
Oh, thank you, Drew. Thank you. I'm
going to go up right now and change the
214
00:16:05,560 --> 00:16:06,479
sheets.
215
00:16:06,480 --> 00:16:08,199
You just gave away your bedroom, Drew.
216
00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:09,600
You really are a doormat.
217
00:16:09,601 --> 00:16:12,999
You know, it's not too late to change.
You don't want to be known as another
218
00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:14,320
Lincoln or Gandhi.
219
00:16:21,280 --> 00:16:24,400
Hey, I'm not a Lincoln or Gandhi, okay?
220
00:16:29,991 --> 00:16:36,139
I'm going over to that store right now
and I'm going to get myself a job.
221
00:16:36,140 --> 00:16:38,060
Yeah, you go for it. Forget him, tiger.
222
00:16:38,520 --> 00:16:41,940
A lot of passion for a crappy little
job.
223
00:17:10,410 --> 00:17:11,460
to my life coaching.
224
00:17:13,750 --> 00:17:15,470
Uh, hey, listen, about the job.
225
00:17:15,471 --> 00:17:18,068
Look, you're wasting your time. The only
job openings we have here are for
226
00:17:18,069 --> 00:17:19,119
hardcore tech.
227
00:17:19,270 --> 00:17:21,230
Well, I can do tech.
228
00:17:22,010 --> 00:17:23,210
Are you fluent in Linux?
229
00:17:23,690 --> 00:17:25,010
What? Linux? Yeah.
230
00:17:25,329 --> 00:17:26,379
Yeah.
231
00:17:27,170 --> 00:17:29,390
Have you worked with Red Hat 7 .2?
232
00:17:29,890 --> 00:17:32,170
More like Old Hat 7 .2, if you ask me.
233
00:17:32,321 --> 00:17:36,649
We have your resume, so we'll think
about it.
234
00:17:36,650 --> 00:17:37,700
No.
235
00:17:38,350 --> 00:17:40,400
No, listen, this is a one -day offer
only.
236
00:17:40,890 --> 00:17:43,210
Let me tell you why you should hire me.
237
00:17:43,850 --> 00:17:48,489
For 20 years, 20 years I worked at the
store that used to be here, and they
238
00:17:48,490 --> 00:17:49,540
screwed me.
239
00:17:49,541 --> 00:17:53,309
Okay, they took everything. They took my
health benefits, my pension,
240
00:17:53,310 --> 00:17:55,730
everything. It's gone.
241
00:17:56,710 --> 00:17:58,330
But here I am. I'm back.
242
00:17:58,890 --> 00:18:00,450
I am back for more.
243
00:18:01,950 --> 00:18:03,750
Now, what did that tell you about me?
244
00:18:06,890 --> 00:18:08,940
You work like a dog and you hate
yourself.
245
00:18:10,810 --> 00:18:12,110
Do we have one of those?
246
00:18:12,810 --> 00:18:13,950
No, but we need one.
247
00:18:14,441 --> 00:18:16,249
Hey, what?
248
00:18:16,250 --> 00:18:17,570
I'm going to give you a shot.
249
00:18:17,571 --> 00:18:20,529
We're going to make you the internal
expediting analyst.
250
00:18:20,530 --> 00:18:22,110
Oh, thank you.
251
00:18:23,410 --> 00:18:24,970
Thank you. You won't regret this.
252
00:18:25,270 --> 00:18:28,950
I'm going to be the best internal
expediting analyst you ever had.
253
00:18:32,651 --> 00:18:36,779
Internal expediting analyst. That's
great.
254
00:18:36,780 --> 00:18:37,830
What do you do?
255
00:18:38,020 --> 00:18:39,070
I have no idea.
256
00:18:39,071 --> 00:18:43,379
Wait a minute. You're going to take
money for doing nothing? That doesn't
257
00:18:43,380 --> 00:18:44,399
like you.
258
00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:48,099
Good. For once, I'm not going to be the
guy who always tries to save the store.
259
00:18:48,100 --> 00:18:50,090
I just want to get a paycheck and lay
low.
260
00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:51,840
Hey. Hi, guys. Hey.
261
00:18:51,841 --> 00:18:54,279
How's it going? Oh, pretty good. How did
it go today?
262
00:18:54,280 --> 00:18:55,239
I got a job.
263
00:18:55,240 --> 00:18:56,139
How about you?
264
00:18:56,140 --> 00:18:57,520
No. No luck.
265
00:18:57,521 --> 00:19:01,879
Drew, I was hoping that I would move out
this week, but it might be a little
266
00:19:01,880 --> 00:19:02,930
while. Is that okay?
267
00:19:02,931 --> 00:19:07,299
Yeah, take as long as you want. I'm an
internal expediting analyst now. Do you
268
00:19:07,300 --> 00:19:08,719
have any idea how much that pays?
269
00:19:08,720 --> 00:19:10,520
No. Yeah, I was hoping somebody would.
270
00:19:11,271 --> 00:19:13,059
Order something.
271
00:19:13,060 --> 00:19:14,480
Oh, great. Oh, no, no. Let me.
272
00:19:15,280 --> 00:19:16,330
Oh.
273
00:19:16,460 --> 00:19:17,510
Boy, kid, boy.
274
00:19:17,511 --> 00:19:20,279
It's tough to get a job out there
without any skill.
275
00:19:20,280 --> 00:19:22,039
Yeah, I sure wish there was something
she could do.
276
00:19:22,040 --> 00:19:24,520
Okay, I got a cheeseburger, ketchup, no
mayo.
277
00:19:25,040 --> 00:19:26,740
A BLT slaw on the side.
278
00:19:26,741 --> 00:19:30,699
Knives go on the right. Oops, this one's
dirty. I'll get you another one.
279
00:19:30,700 --> 00:19:32,559
Everyone okay here? I'll have another
beer.
280
00:19:32,560 --> 00:19:33,610
You got it, hon.
281
00:19:36,660 --> 00:19:39,190
You know, I just thought of something
she could do.
282
00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:41,880
Neuroendocrinologist.
283
00:19:41,881 --> 00:19:48,339
I can't believe you got this couch back
from the pawn shop. Yeah, especially
284
00:19:48,340 --> 00:19:51,110
since it had a sign on it that said,
free with any pistol.
285
00:19:52,140 --> 00:19:54,100
Got my couch back, got a job.
286
00:19:54,720 --> 00:19:57,010
My stripper and my fat girl are getting
along.
287
00:20:03,980 --> 00:20:05,560
How was New York? It was good.
288
00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:09,790
Drew, I was trying to reach you because
I have something important to tell you.
289
00:20:10,680 --> 00:20:12,180
I'm getting married tomorrow.
290
00:20:19,020 --> 00:20:21,600
Oh, wait a minute. What day is it today?
291
00:20:21,601 --> 00:20:25,509
Thursday. Oh, you know what? I'm getting
married the day after tomorrow.
292
00:20:25,510 --> 00:20:30,060
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