Original subtitles

morning morning

monday

huh yep all day

Isn't this the day the guy with the colorful ties comes to water the ferns?

it's next Monday.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

Oh,

my.

I don't think we're in Winford Louder anymore.

Well, this can't be a dream because I still have my clothes on.

It can't be a nightmare because you still have your clothes on.

Oh, do you like it? Like it? I love it.

Oh, good.

I was worried that it would make your drab little home seem even more drab,

Daddy reminded me that's not my problem.

I wanted to do something to reward my employees. My accountant informs me that

Mercer Industries has had its best year ever.

So I bought an island off Spain for me and some new desks and lights for you.

I'm sorry I couldn't hear you. I was busy playing with my light.

Morning, everybody.

What the hell's with the bathrobe? And tighten your belt because I just saw

junk.

a corporate masseuse. I've just had the most relaxing Swedish massage of my

entire life.

She would not, however, provide a happy ending.

Well, don't look at me.

Masseuse, cappuccino, all new stuff. Thank you, Lord Mercer. And thank you,

Oh, I love how poor people hug.

They actually touch in everything.

Yes, I guess if you don't have things, you have to make do with people.

Excuse me. Hi, looking for Drew Carey? That's me.

Wow.

The way my day's been going, this must be for Miss Candice Bergen.

Oh, my God.

What's the matter?

It's for my ex -wife, Mickey.

Oh, really? An unmarked package from a woman who hates you? Well, it's probably

not a bomb. Read nothing into me running away.

What's all this about, then?

Well, a little while ago, I married two women at the same time. Got a little

sticky. But I learned something.

Women, they don't like that.

You don't think she would actually try to hurt you, do you?

Why, I don't know.

You know, you have every right to be angry. How dare you give me the right to

angry? Maybe I don't want to be angry.

Are you not angry? Of course I'm angry. What you did to me was ugly enough, and

it just got uglier.

Oh, I guess Kate told you that I chose her over you.

Oh,

look what I did. I just made it worse.

Yeah, but just because she's a woman doesn't mean she's still going to be

holding a grudge after all this time, does it?

Back where it comes from.

Excessive crude attitude.

It's back where it comes from.

what Nikki got you.

What the hell?

Chocolate roses and milk bones?

Yeah. I came with this card. Drew, thinking of you and Speedy, Nikki.

Are the bomb squad guys mad that you called them out for nothing?

We yell a lot, but I think this is because they're deaf.

I think she wants to get back together with you.

Or kill you.

What? How do you get that from chocolate roses and milk bones?

Chocolate roses, black roses, the sign of death.

And milk bones equals die like a dog.

Wow. That makes sense.

She doesn't want to kill me.

I mean, Kay was mad at me too, but she got over it.

Well, I had a chance to work through my anger.

Well, glad to see you got that out of your system.

Oh!

Hey, feel better?

A little.

You know, sometimes my right eye still bothers me, among other things located

my right -hand side.

Yeah, but Nikki's had to hold all that anger in. I mean, if I hadn't been able

to get that out and had all that time to sit around and think about how you lied

to me and deceived me, I would be dying to beat the crap out of you. have one

good eye.

Okay, look, we agree she wants to kill you, but how's she going to do that with

chocolate roses and milk bones?

Well, it's obvious.

Poison. In the chocolate roses?

Yeah, in the chocolate roses.

What?

Do I have chocolate on my face?

How you feeling there, buddy?

Why?

I don't want it to kill you, but how is she going to do that with chocolate

roses and milk foam?

Well, it's obvious.

It's poison.

In the chocolate roses?

Yeah, in the chocolate roses.

What?

Do I have chocolate on my face?

How are you feeling there, buddy?

Why?

If I'm going to die, I have to tell you something. I buried $63 in a box in the

backyard of my mom's house.

That was 30 years ago, so there's no telling what it's worth now.

Relax, man. Nothing's going to happen. If you're going to be sick, you'll be

sick by now.

Just to be safe, I'll take you to the hospital.

Oh, thanks, man. I've got to admit, I'm kind of freaking out.

I'm scared.

Everything's going dark.

It's called night, you moron.

Hello, worker.

Hi.

Beautiful day, isn't it?

Sure is. Love my Mondays.

You know, the third floor masseuse tells me we're going to get white chocolate

in the biscotti baskets.

in one or two changes around here.

It turns out the accountants have been stealing from Daddy.

All the profits were a pretend.

And last night we found out that we lost $650 million.

They took all my business holdings. Everything

except this store.

Still, not to worry. I have a plan.

I have a life insurance policy for $50 million.

So, all we have to do is fake my death.

Thirteen times.

Listen, Daddy's full of booze and pills.

But before he got hammered, he said that the only way we can keep the store is

to lay off half the employees. And then we have to put everyone in management

down on the sales floor.

What?

I'm not going back on the sales floor. That's where I started out.

Mimi, we can save the store, but we really need your help.

Forget it. I'm going to get myself a new job.

Yeah, me too. Save the store. Screw the store.

All the stuff the store has done to me, I have the skills, the personality, the

drive. I can get a job anywhere I want, anytime, just like that.

Yeah, kiss my ass goodbye, Winford Louder.

Hi, welcome to Winford Louder.

I'd like to return this thong underwear.

Whoa!

It didn't make me feel sexy.

Look, I'm not saying this just because I don't want to touch it, but I don't

believe you.

I want my money back.

Well, I want to lean against the counter now, too, but that's not going to

happen.

So, how are sales going, Kerry?

Not very good. That's because all you have is these designer brands.

Someone's going to pay 15 bucks for a pair of underwear?

Well, you'll have to make them.

I've got a huge loan to pay off.

Oh, the door's going to the dog.

Tails are down in houseware. They're down in bedding. And for some reason, we

haven't sold a single pair of women's bloody shoes in three days.

Excuse me. I'm busy here.

Joe.

I was on my feet for nine hours at work today.

That's... Tough.

You know, sometimes in the middle of my nurse's aid shift, I take a nap in one

of the empty hospital rooms.

So what?

Well, yesterday I woke up and a pretty nurse was shaving me for surgery.

And?

It's been a long time since anybody touched me down there.

Thigh letter finished.

Don't get that. I'm seeing if that's Nikki. I'm screening my calls.

Please leave a very short message at the tone.

Hey, Drew, it's Nikki. I don't know if you got them, but I sent you some

chocolate flowers.

I just want to let you know I'm not mad anymore.

But if you don't want to talk to me, I... It's me. It's Drew. How you doing,

Nikki? Oh, Drew, I'm doing okay, you know.

It took me a while to work through what you did to me, but now I'm in a really

good place.

Well, it's good to hear from you. You sound good.

Yeah, I feel good.

Hey, listen, you know, I'm coming to town on Saturday. I was thinking maybe

and I could get together.

Oh, I'd love to get together with you. You know, I missed you.

I missed you, too.

Once by the mall.

Yeah, yeah. I'll see you then. Bye.

Bye.

Drew, do you think that's a good idea?

Do you really think that's a good idea, Drew?

Yeah, I think it'll be okay. I mean, there was something in her voice.

If I know women, and I think I do, it was forgiveness.

What the hell has Mercer done now?

We're a 69 -cent store now.

Well, Kerry, what do you think? You said everything was too expensive, so I got

rid of all the designer stuff and ordered boatloads of crap.

Oh, well, I'm thinking of changing the name of the store from Winfred Lauda to

Lord Francis Bargain Castle.

If anybody buys more than $5 worth of stuff, I knight them and give them 50

cents off a can of white mist hairspray.

Need a hug?

Uh -huh.

So who am I, good prince underpants?

Now, you just work here.

May God forgive me.

Finally, a decent outfit to wear at work.

It's after nine o 'clock.

They must have opened the doors.

Oh, my God.

The poor people are coming.

Stand up. Don't worry, sweetheart.

Daddy's in control.

Attention, peasants.

Lord Patsy lock us all to his castle.

Hey,

Drew, what exactly are you hoping to have happen with Nikki tonight?

I don't know. I'm just glad she's not mad at me anymore.

And if there's a spark, then, hey, who knows?

Oh, my God. You're going to marry her again.

Only if I can marry you, too. Because this time I think we can make it work.

she's early.

Well, you know, be careful, little brother. I don't want to see you get

Yeah, me either. So if she starts to teeter, run.

Hey, you'll get this later, Drew, but ask her if she can cough up Pinocchio.

See ya.

Well, it happened again.

What? What happened?

I don't see any change.

Well, you're definitely fatter.

You know what, you guys? I know what I look like. It's okay.

Hey, by the way, do my shoes match?

We'll give you to your space.

Hey, great to see you. I've been thinking about you a lot.

Yeah, yeah, me too.

So, listen,

I want you to have a seat and I'll get us a couple beers.

Okay. We're only going to have one. I don't want you getting drunk again and

marrying me.

Hey, it's great to see you so jolly. I mean, you know, happy.

worried it's going to be awkward, but I think it's going to be great.

I haven't made a supply of crackers and crackers.

I'm sorry. I'll go back and get the cheese.

I have to wear a Chester's hat at work.

I'm sorry, Drew, but I have to do this. No, wait, you never heard my...

Let me help you.

You're going to help her what?

Listen, Drew, if you want to call the police, I understand.

If not, I'd just like to leave right now.

No, I'm not going to call the police.

Oh, I don't know what I'm doing. My whole life has gone to hell.

Oh, yeah, it's... This is all my fault.

No, no. You know what? Don't worry about it. I have to stop blaming other people

for my problems. I'm just... I'm just gonna go.

No, wait. Where are you gonna stay?

I don't know. I'll go sleep on a park bench or something.

Sometimes the cops try to move me, but if I go limp, there's nothing they can

do.

Wait.

Listen, don't go.

I feel so responsible. Why don't...

Until you get back on your feet, why don't you stay with me?

Really?

Oh,

Drew, you're so sweet.

Oh, you're just saying that to avoid prison.

Now listen, you're going to go out to your car and get your stuff, and I'm

to make us a great dinner, okay? No, no, no.

You know what?

I'm going to make you dinner.

You are helping me turn my life around. It's the least I can do.

Cheese? I'll kill him later.

Do we need any underwear?

Yeah, why don't you get a pound of boxers and three pounds of briefs.

Okay, you want any CDs?

Yeah. How about five pounds of rock?

Okay. Three pounds of country and half a pound of jazz.

Hey,

we haven't bought condoms in a long, long time.

Should we pick some up? No, we're still good.