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morning morning
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monday
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huh yep all day
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Isn't this the day the guy with the
colorful ties comes to water the ferns?
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it's next Monday.
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Oh.
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Oh, my God.
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Oh,
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my.
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I don't think we're in Winford Louder
anymore.
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Well, this can't be a dream because I
still have my clothes on.
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It can't be a nightmare because you
still have your clothes on.
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Oh, do you like it? Like it? I love it.
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Oh, good.
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I was worried that it would make your
drab little home seem even more drab,
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Daddy reminded me that's not my problem.
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I wanted to do something to reward my
employees. My accountant informs me that
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Mercer Industries has had its best year
ever.
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So I bought an island off Spain for me
and some new desks and lights for you.
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I'm sorry I couldn't hear you. I was
busy playing with my light.
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Morning, everybody.
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What the hell's with the bathrobe? And
tighten your belt because I just saw
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00:02:01,880 --> 00:02:02,880
junk.
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a corporate masseuse. I've just had the
most relaxing Swedish massage of my
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entire life.
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She would not, however, provide a happy
ending.
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Well, don't look at me.
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Masseuse, cappuccino, all new stuff.
Thank you, Lord Mercer. And thank you,
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Oh, I love how poor people hug.
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They actually touch in everything.
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Yes, I guess if you don't have things,
you have to make do with people.
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Excuse me. Hi, looking for Drew Carey?
That's me.
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Wow.
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The way my day's been going, this must
be for Miss Candice Bergen.
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Oh, my God.
36
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What's the matter?
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It's for my ex -wife, Mickey.
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Oh, really? An unmarked package from a
woman who hates you? Well, it's probably
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not a bomb. Read nothing into me running
away.
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What's all this about, then?
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00:03:08,310 --> 00:03:11,790
Well, a little while ago, I married two
women at the same time. Got a little
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sticky. But I learned something.
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Women, they don't like that.
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You don't think she would actually try
to hurt you, do you?
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Why, I don't know.
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You know, you have every right to be
angry. How dare you give me the right to
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angry? Maybe I don't want to be angry.
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Are you not angry? Of course I'm angry.
What you did to me was ugly enough, and
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it just got uglier.
50
00:03:36,330 --> 00:03:38,810
Oh, I guess Kate told you that I chose
her over you.
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Oh,
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look what I did. I just made it worse.
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Yeah, but just because she's a woman
doesn't mean she's still going to be
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holding a grudge after all this time,
does it?
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Back where it comes from.
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Excessive crude attitude.
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It's back where it comes from.
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what Nikki got you.
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What the hell?
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Chocolate roses and milk bones?
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Yeah. I came with this card. Drew,
thinking of you and Speedy, Nikki.
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Are the bomb squad guys mad that you
called them out for nothing?
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We yell a lot, but I think this is
because they're deaf.
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I think she wants to get back together
with you.
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00:05:04,170 --> 00:05:05,170
Or kill you.
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What? How do you get that from chocolate
roses and milk bones?
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Chocolate roses, black roses, the sign
of death.
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And milk bones equals die like a dog.
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Wow. That makes sense.
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She doesn't want to kill me.
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I mean, Kay was mad at me too, but she
got over it.
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Well, I had a chance to work through my
anger.
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Well, glad to see you got that out of
your system.
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00:05:46,160 --> 00:05:47,560
Oh!
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Hey, feel better?
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A little.
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You know, sometimes my right eye still
bothers me, among other things located
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my right -hand side.
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Yeah, but Nikki's had to hold all that
anger in. I mean, if I hadn't been able
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to get that out and had all that time to
sit around and think about how you lied
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to me and deceived me, I would be dying
to beat the crap out of you. have one
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good eye.
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Okay, look, we agree she wants to kill
you, but how's she going to do that with
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chocolate roses and milk bones?
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Well, it's obvious.
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Poison. In the chocolate roses?
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Yeah, in the chocolate roses.
88
00:07:03,610 --> 00:07:04,610
What?
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00:07:05,970 --> 00:07:07,390
Do I have chocolate on my face?
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00:07:09,090 --> 00:07:10,090
How you feeling there, buddy?
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00:07:10,910 --> 00:07:11,910
Why?
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I don't want it to kill you, but how is
she going to do that with chocolate
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roses and milk foam?
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Well, it's obvious.
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It's poison.
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In the chocolate roses?
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Yeah, in the chocolate roses.
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What?
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Do I have chocolate on my face?
100
00:07:38,120 --> 00:07:39,120
How are you feeling there, buddy?
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Why?
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If I'm going to die, I have to tell you
something. I buried $63 in a box in the
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backyard of my mom's house.
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That was 30 years ago, so there's no
telling what it's worth now.
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00:08:06,840 --> 00:08:09,140
Relax, man. Nothing's going to happen.
If you're going to be sick, you'll be
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sick by now.
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00:08:10,580 --> 00:08:12,620
Just to be safe, I'll take you to the
hospital.
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Oh, thanks, man. I've got to admit, I'm
kind of freaking out.
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I'm scared.
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Everything's going dark.
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It's called night, you moron.
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Hello, worker.
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Hi.
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Beautiful day, isn't it?
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Sure is. Love my Mondays.
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You know, the third floor masseuse tells
me we're going to get white chocolate
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in the biscotti baskets.
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in one or two changes around here.
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It turns out the accountants have been
stealing from Daddy.
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All the profits were a pretend.
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And last night we found out that we lost
$650 million.
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They took all my business holdings.
Everything
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except this store.
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Still, not to worry. I have a plan.
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I have a life insurance policy for $50
million.
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So, all we have to do is fake my death.
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Thirteen times.
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00:10:13,920 --> 00:10:16,420
Listen, Daddy's full of booze and pills.
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00:10:17,640 --> 00:10:21,220
But before he got hammered, he said that
the only way we can keep the store is
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to lay off half the employees. And then
we have to put everyone in management
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down on the sales floor.
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What?
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I'm not going back on the sales floor.
That's where I started out.
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00:10:35,719 --> 00:10:39,140
Mimi, we can save the store, but we
really need your help.
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Forget it. I'm going to get myself a new
job.
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Yeah, me too. Save the store. Screw the
store.
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All the stuff the store has done to me,
I have the skills, the personality, the
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drive. I can get a job anywhere I want,
anytime, just like that.
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00:10:55,100 --> 00:10:57,740
Yeah, kiss my ass goodbye, Winford
Louder.
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00:10:59,900 --> 00:11:01,700
Hi, welcome to Winford Louder.
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I'd like to return this thong underwear.
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Whoa!
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It didn't make me feel sexy.
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00:11:13,100 --> 00:11:17,140
Look, I'm not saying this just because I
don't want to touch it, but I don't
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believe you.
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I want my money back.
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00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:22,760
Well, I want to lean against the counter
now, too, but that's not going to
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happen.
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00:11:24,780 --> 00:11:26,720
So, how are sales going, Kerry?
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00:11:27,180 --> 00:11:29,720
Not very good. That's because all you
have is these designer brands.
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00:11:29,940 --> 00:11:31,740
Someone's going to pay 15 bucks for a
pair of underwear?
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00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:33,280
Well, you'll have to make them.
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00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:35,120
I've got a huge loan to pay off.
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00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:37,500
Oh, the door's going to the dog.
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00:11:38,120 --> 00:11:41,740
Tails are down in houseware. They're
down in bedding. And for some reason, we
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haven't sold a single pair of women's
bloody shoes in three days.
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Excuse me. I'm busy here.
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Joe.
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00:11:59,660 --> 00:12:02,260
I was on my feet for nine hours at work
today.
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00:12:02,940 --> 00:12:03,829
That's... Tough.
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00:12:03,830 --> 00:12:06,910
You know, sometimes in the middle of my
nurse's aid shift, I take a nap in one
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of the empty hospital rooms.
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00:12:09,350 --> 00:12:10,350
So what?
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00:12:10,810 --> 00:12:14,070
Well, yesterday I woke up and a pretty
nurse was shaving me for surgery.
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00:12:16,570 --> 00:12:17,570
And?
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00:12:17,730 --> 00:12:20,570
It's been a long time since anybody
touched me down there.
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00:12:22,650 --> 00:12:23,650
Thigh letter finished.
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00:12:28,790 --> 00:12:31,190
Don't get that. I'm seeing if that's
Nikki. I'm screening my calls.
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00:12:34,090 --> 00:12:35,410
Please leave a very short message at the
tone.
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00:12:36,890 --> 00:12:41,090
Hey, Drew, it's Nikki. I don't know if
you got them, but I sent you some
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chocolate flowers.
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00:12:42,030 --> 00:12:44,630
I just want to let you know I'm not mad
anymore.
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00:12:45,150 --> 00:12:48,570
But if you don't want to talk to me,
I... It's me. It's Drew. How you doing,
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00:12:48,710 --> 00:12:51,850
Nikki? Oh, Drew, I'm doing okay, you
know.
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00:12:52,530 --> 00:12:57,130
It took me a while to work through what
you did to me, but now I'm in a really
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00:12:57,130 --> 00:12:58,130
good place.
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00:13:04,010 --> 00:13:05,790
Well, it's good to hear from you. You
sound good.
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00:13:06,070 --> 00:13:07,510
Yeah, I feel good.
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Hey, listen, you know, I'm coming to
town on Saturday. I was thinking maybe
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00:13:15,010 --> 00:13:16,010
and I could get together.
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00:13:16,770 --> 00:13:20,710
Oh, I'd love to get together with you.
You know, I missed you.
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00:13:20,990 --> 00:13:22,190
I missed you, too.
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00:13:23,370 --> 00:13:24,370
Once by the mall.
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00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:37,080
Yeah, yeah. I'll see you then. Bye.
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00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:38,400
Bye.
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00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:44,280
Drew, do you think that's a good idea?
187
00:13:44,780 --> 00:13:47,100
Do you really think that's a good idea,
Drew?
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00:13:48,860 --> 00:13:52,160
Yeah, I think it'll be okay. I mean,
there was something in her voice.
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00:13:53,300 --> 00:13:58,400
If I know women, and I think I do, it
was forgiveness.
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00:14:05,930 --> 00:14:07,010
What the hell has Mercer done now?
191
00:14:07,690 --> 00:14:10,130
We're a 69 -cent store now.
192
00:14:13,730 --> 00:14:17,650
Well, Kerry, what do you think? You said
everything was too expensive, so I got
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00:14:17,650 --> 00:14:20,650
rid of all the designer stuff and
ordered boatloads of crap.
194
00:14:21,510 --> 00:14:25,550
Oh, well, I'm thinking of changing the
name of the store from Winfred Lauda to
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00:14:25,550 --> 00:14:27,650
Lord Francis Bargain Castle.
196
00:14:29,480 --> 00:14:33,580
If anybody buys more than $5 worth of
stuff, I knight them and give them 50
197
00:14:33,580 --> 00:14:36,100
cents off a can of white mist hairspray.
198
00:14:38,280 --> 00:14:39,280
Need a hug?
199
00:14:39,500 --> 00:14:40,500
Uh -huh.
200
00:14:43,420 --> 00:14:45,260
So who am I, good prince underpants?
201
00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:48,420
Now, you just work here.
202
00:14:48,880 --> 00:14:50,360
May God forgive me.
203
00:14:54,140 --> 00:14:56,340
Finally, a decent outfit to wear at
work.
204
00:15:02,570 --> 00:15:03,670
It's after nine o 'clock.
205
00:15:03,870 --> 00:15:05,270
They must have opened the doors.
206
00:15:05,530 --> 00:15:06,429
Oh, my God.
207
00:15:06,430 --> 00:15:08,090
The poor people are coming.
208
00:15:09,510 --> 00:15:10,930
Stand up. Don't worry, sweetheart.
209
00:15:11,190 --> 00:15:12,190
Daddy's in control.
210
00:15:12,870 --> 00:15:14,010
Attention, peasants.
211
00:15:14,370 --> 00:15:16,710
Lord Patsy lock us all to his castle.
212
00:15:18,610 --> 00:15:19,610
Hey,
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00:15:21,630 --> 00:15:24,190
Drew, what exactly are you hoping to
have happen with Nikki tonight?
214
00:15:24,950 --> 00:15:26,870
I don't know. I'm just glad she's not
mad at me anymore.
215
00:15:27,110 --> 00:15:28,910
And if there's a spark, then, hey, who
knows?
216
00:15:29,230 --> 00:15:31,290
Oh, my God. You're going to marry her
again.
217
00:15:33,900 --> 00:15:36,840
Only if I can marry you, too. Because
this time I think we can make it work.
218
00:15:36,940 --> 00:15:41,620
she's early.
219
00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:45,120
Well, you know, be careful, little
brother. I don't want to see you get
220
00:15:46,260 --> 00:15:49,700
Yeah, me either. So if she starts to
teeter, run.
221
00:15:54,540 --> 00:15:58,220
Hey, you'll get this later, Drew, but
ask her if she can cough up Pinocchio.
222
00:16:11,050 --> 00:16:12,050
See ya.
223
00:16:15,130 --> 00:16:16,590
Well, it happened again.
224
00:16:19,750 --> 00:16:21,970
What? What happened?
225
00:16:23,790 --> 00:16:25,470
I don't see any change.
226
00:16:28,470 --> 00:16:29,930
Well, you're definitely fatter.
227
00:16:34,330 --> 00:16:37,310
You know what, you guys? I know what I
look like. It's okay.
228
00:16:37,670 --> 00:16:39,190
Hey, by the way, do my shoes match?
229
00:16:46,330 --> 00:16:49,090
We'll give you to your space.
230
00:16:52,910 --> 00:16:56,410
Hey, great to see you. I've been
thinking about you a lot.
231
00:16:56,610 --> 00:16:57,670
Yeah, yeah, me too.
232
00:16:58,550 --> 00:16:59,670
So, listen,
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00:17:01,330 --> 00:17:03,290
I want you to have a seat and I'll get
us a couple beers.
234
00:17:03,710 --> 00:17:06,650
Okay. We're only going to have one. I
don't want you getting drunk again and
235
00:17:06,650 --> 00:17:07,650
marrying me.
236
00:17:10,589 --> 00:17:13,390
Hey, it's great to see you so jolly. I
mean, you know, happy.
237
00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:20,140
worried it's going to be awkward, but I
think it's going to be great.
238
00:17:20,400 --> 00:17:23,040
I haven't made a supply of crackers and
crackers.
239
00:17:33,180 --> 00:17:34,440
I'm sorry. I'll go back and get the
cheese.
240
00:17:56,360 --> 00:17:57,400
I have to wear a Chester's hat at work.
241
00:18:00,520 --> 00:18:04,740
I'm sorry, Drew, but I have to do this.
No, wait, you never heard my...
242
00:18:30,540 --> 00:18:31,540
Let me help you.
243
00:18:35,860 --> 00:18:39,180
You're going to help her what?
244
00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:50,080
Listen, Drew, if you want to call the
police, I understand.
245
00:18:50,680 --> 00:18:53,500
If not, I'd just like to leave right
now.
246
00:18:53,760 --> 00:18:54,920
No, I'm not going to call the police.
247
00:18:56,020 --> 00:18:58,740
Oh, I don't know what I'm doing. My
whole life has gone to hell.
248
00:18:59,460 --> 00:19:01,090
Oh, yeah, it's... This is all my fault.
249
00:19:02,010 --> 00:19:05,990
No, no. You know what? Don't worry about
it. I have to stop blaming other people
250
00:19:05,990 --> 00:19:09,030
for my problems. I'm just... I'm just
gonna go.
251
00:19:10,970 --> 00:19:12,270
No, wait. Where are you gonna stay?
252
00:19:12,850 --> 00:19:15,730
I don't know. I'll go sleep on a park
bench or something.
253
00:19:16,190 --> 00:19:19,510
Sometimes the cops try to move me, but
if I go limp, there's nothing they can
254
00:19:19,510 --> 00:19:20,510
do.
255
00:19:22,710 --> 00:19:23,710
Wait.
256
00:19:25,810 --> 00:19:26,810
Listen, don't go.
257
00:19:27,070 --> 00:19:29,730
I feel so responsible. Why don't...
258
00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:31,700
Until you get back on your feet, why
don't you stay with me?
259
00:19:32,840 --> 00:19:33,840
Really?
260
00:19:35,780 --> 00:19:36,780
Oh,
261
00:19:36,840 --> 00:19:38,380
Drew, you're so sweet.
262
00:19:38,900 --> 00:19:42,040
Oh, you're just saying that to avoid
prison.
263
00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:48,780
Now listen, you're going to go out to
your car and get your stuff, and I'm
264
00:19:48,780 --> 00:19:50,760
to make us a great dinner, okay? No, no,
no.
265
00:19:51,620 --> 00:19:52,499
You know what?
266
00:19:52,500 --> 00:19:53,560
I'm going to make you dinner.
267
00:19:54,040 --> 00:19:57,840
You are helping me turn my life around.
It's the least I can do.
268
00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:26,600
Cheese? I'll kill him later.
269
00:20:28,940 --> 00:20:30,160
Do we need any underwear?
270
00:20:30,660 --> 00:20:35,760
Yeah, why don't you get a pound of
boxers and three pounds of briefs.
271
00:20:38,120 --> 00:20:39,180
Okay, you want any CDs?
272
00:20:39,420 --> 00:20:41,900
Yeah. How about five pounds of rock?
273
00:20:42,140 --> 00:20:47,040
Okay. Three pounds of country and half a
pound of jazz.
274
00:20:47,900 --> 00:20:48,900
Hey,
275
00:20:49,260 --> 00:20:51,600
we haven't bought condoms in a long,
long time.
276
00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:53,760
Should we pick some up? No, we're still
good.
277
00:20:53,810 --> 00:20:58,360
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