Original subtitles

So, uh, Kathy, it's great to meet you. It says here you want to work in the

Young Miss Department.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm a people person.

A young people person.

And I like department stores because they have all those different

And I feel like I could teach the teens how to be, like, a little Britney, but

not too Christina.

Uh, does it appear that you went to the University of Arizona?

Yeah. It's really hot there. I had to transfer.

And also, you used to work with, wow, Janet Jackson?

Yeah. I was a Janet Jackson dancer.

Oh, what was she like?

Cold and distant.

That's a really nice suit, by the way. Thank you very much. Did you get it

Well, I get all my clothes here. I get a discount.

Wow. Yeah, the sleeves are kind of short.

But you have really great ribs.

Thanks. Really, really handsome.

Thanks. I like monkey arms.

I love that in a guy, monkey arms.

That wasn't inappropriate.

I was just picturing the two of us swinging on trees.

I love that face.

I know.

Wow, I can barely keep my clothes on.

That wasn't inappropriate, and I'm sorry. That's okay. That's all right.

here for sales, and I'm calling on you.

Since you used to play the codophone.

Yeah.

A telephonic instrument.

That's what you're saying.

I thought it was an answering machine. How do you play an answer? In a way it

is, and yet you can... Oh.

Mimi Bobeck. Great.

I haven't seen you since the Venus flytrap.

I thought I'd find a stripper.

Yeah. Three months ago.

I was a good stripper. You were a thieving, lying, stealing stripper. What

you talking about? I'm talking about you stealing all my dance moves and about

stealing my boyfriend.

Dolem, he wanted me.

You should put him in the trunk of your car.

He was dying to get in my trunk.

Well, it doesn't matter.

Because I'm married now to a really great guy.

And this ring is next to the finger that says how I really feel about you.

I don't care. I just met someone really wonderful, too.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

that I shouldn't have had an outburst during a job interview. It's just she

brings something out of me.

I'm really sorry.

You know, I've got to be honest.

You have a lot of life experience.

Just not a lot of retail life experience.

No, I understand.

Do I have a shot at dinner with you?

I think you're very attractive. I would love to go out with you. Oh, that would

be great!

I got your number and everything right here. I'll just give you a call. Okay,

yeah. The numbers might be a little inverted. I can't spell numbers that

But just a call.

Okay, sure. Okay, well, great.

It was nice. Yeah, I'll see you later. Nice meeting you. Yeah, you too.

Well, we can do this later, right?

Okay. Sorry.

All this energy calling me.

Back where it comes from.

It's such a crude attitude.

It's back where it belongs.

All the little chicks with the crimson lips go Cleveland Rock, Cleveland Rock.

Living in sin with a safety pin going Cleveland Rock, Cleveland Rock,

Cleveland Rock.

Ohio, Ohio, Ohio, Ohio, Ohio.

Pretty bad.

Addy likes.

You have a cold, don't you? Little one.

Hey, guys.

Bad.

Lewis, I have in this bag something that's going to change our lives.

Not lipstick and blush again, is it?

No, it's financial security.

We're going to bake my grandmother's gingerbread cookies in our house in the

park and sell them.

You know anything about baking cookies? Where do you get the money to do that?

Actually, I used our car fund to buy a big oven.

You used our car fund money? Yeah.

You guys are saving for a car?

Oh, no, no. It's not for a new car. It's where we keep our money. It's the only

thing we own that has locks.

You guys can't start another business. Are you out of your mind? You don't know

anything about cookies or baking?

How about your mail -order taxidermy?

It didn't work out so well, did it?

No. How'd you like opening those packages?

And how about the marital aid rental?

You can't rent that stuff. It's not like bowling shoes.

Well, all rise for judgmental. Yeah.

You know what?

You're so negative.

At least we're trying.

At least we're not content to sit in the same desk in the same little cubicle

every day with our sad little boring lives.

I'm talking about Drew. Oh.

So you're on board?

Yeah, you bet I'm on board. All right.

What the hell was that? I don't know.

Oh, my God.

Oh, it's a squirrel head.

What's a squirrel head doing out here?

I don't know. Maybe it's the beginning of a squirrel revolution.

Whoa. Oh, my God.

There's a bald eagle on your roof.

Wow. Yeah.

Hey, you know, that's good luck. Not for squirrels.

Oh, wow.

Hey, wait a minute. This is like an omen. For what?

Well, don't you see? This is saying that our cookie business is going to take

off and soar like an eagle. Oh, that's great.

Hey, let's go look at that oven. Oh, you'd love it. It's so big it could fit

bald eagle. Oh, yeah. That would be an American Thanksgiving.

I don't see why the salmon can't be the symbol for America.

It even rocks. Uncle Salmon.

Uncle Salmon wants you.

Hey, man, look at that.

Wow. Somebody broke into my house.

Big deal. I got nothing worth stealing. My beanie babies!

Gracias. Give me the piece.

And nice to see you.

Where's the bird? It's right there.

Took you long enough.

What a wonderful creature.

You're so lucky, you're so lucky, you know, he chews your place.

Yeah, he chews the whole place.

No, your house, you know, your house has got wonderful nesting material here.

Good.

How are you going to get this thing out of here? No, no, no, no. You cannot move

the eagle. It's illegal to move the eagle. It's a felony.

What? The bird is protected.

What? Oh, yes. Look at my house. What about my house? Well, you're very

privileged. You have good... Privileged? Look at my house. I can't take it.

What if this happened?

What?

What if the bird was flying around and accidentally, after preheating it to

flew into the oven?

The bird is protected.

Andrew. We got your message and we rushed right... Oh, my.

There it is.

Hey, pig. What happened to your house? Lose a piece of fudge?

Look at it. It's so beautiful.

Wow. I haven't been this close to an eagle since I slept with Joe Walsh.

Who's the big eagle? Who's the big eagle? Look. Oh, my God. He's turning

Turn around. Honey, shake your tail.

Oh, you do it too. I'll get your picture. Go ahead.

Will you stop it?

Isn't there any way to get this eagle out of my house?

Well, there is only one way. That is if a huge and terrifying predator would

come and scare it away.

You're on, baby.

He's got a gingerbread winky.

It's so little.

Oh, hello.

Hi. Me and my sister got lost in the park.

We thought we saw gingerbread.

Sounds so familiar.

Oh, Connor.

Hey, uh, help yourself to a cookie.

These are really good.

Can I have another?

Well, you've already had two. Don't eat up all our profits.

I happen to know that this house is illegal because it's in the middle of a

park.

And I want the one in the fridge, too.

This kid's pretty smart. You think he's trying to blackmail us?

I don't know.

Hey, little man, do you know what blackmail is?

You take advantage of somebody weaker for financial gain.

Keep baking. We'll be back.

Still want to have kids?

Look where she may do next.

For the next two years, that will be her home.

The English scream because she's lonely.

Many animals are lonely.

Do you believe in the love at first sight?

I do.

I've only ever said that to my cat in a little tuxedo.

What are you doing in my backyard?

We're watching the eagle.

Have you been out here with a video camera all day?

Well, you know, more or less.

Oh, man, I've got to start wearing a robe.

I would recommend it.

I've got a date coming over in a few minutes, and I don't want you out here

my backyard filming.

Drew, please. The eagle is so beautiful. This is a once -in -a -lifetime

opportunity. An eagle has never before been born in Cleveland.

I'll be filming inside my house. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

We don't interested in the mating habit of the human being. You know, just

the... Is she pretty?

Wow.

Look at you all spangly.

Thank you.

Who are they?

Oh, you don't know Grosney Huffman from Fish and Games?

Oh, wow.

Yeah, they're here for the eagle.

Well, of course. They should protect the eagle.

What?

Are you kidding me? I mean, I know it's... I don't got nothing against

but look what it's doing to my house.

Oh, it did something to your gorgeous house?

What are you all dressed up for?

Oh, I'm going to a party at the mayor's house.

Wow. You know that naughty guy that's running for Senate? Yeah.

Does this dress say political scandal to you?

Let me just look at you. I've never seen you look better in your... Hold on.

Wait. There's... There.

Now you're perfect.

You

know

what,

Drew? Just forget it. I'm going to my party and I don't care.

You know what? You think you're so great.

This is it.

Sorry about the smell.

Wow.

You weren't exaggerating. I mean, you know, sometimes a guy will say an eagle

tore up my house just to get you to your home, but it's really happened, huh?

Yep.

You just crap wherever you want, okay? The eagle did.

Thank you so much for letting me bring Mushu on our date. He's a really good

judge of character. And he really liked his prime rib.

Oh, it was my pleasure ordering the most expensive thing on the menu for a dog.

Thank you.

Want a couple more beers? Sure, why not, right? Two more won't kill us.

Cheaper by the dozen.

Yeah, I released myself in the garage. I hope you like them.

You do?

A brewery and eagle crap? I hit the jackpot.

get rid of this guy not that i don't mind uh you know sure three's fine every

once in a while

Can I have a beer now?

No. Not until we finish Danny's homework.

You know, that's it. It's bad enough he's eating all our cookies, but do we

to do his homework, too?

Fine. You want to get turned in?

Huh? What do you think, we can just pick up the house and move it?

No, we can't pick up the house and move it.

Okay, last question.

Good. How long would it take a train to get to Chicago?

How many people are on board?

Fifty.

How fast is it going? 200 miles an hour.

The city or the band?

I don't know.

Hello? Hey, Oswald, it's me. Listen, you gotta help me out. Okay.

I have a date over here and she has one of those pugs, those little ugly bug

-eyed dogs like the one in Men in Black.

Anyway, an eagle came by, and an eagle swooped up the dog, and I don't have the

dog anymore, so I want you to go to the pound and pick me up a dog that looks

exactly like it. Can you do that for me?

Uh -huh.

Hey, say your girlfriend's dog is running 200 miles an hour with

50 people aboard.

It was really good. Uh -huh. Yeah, this is me. Oh, these are my parents.

They seem really nice.

Yeah, they were.

I just want to see the picture of

the time I met them.

I met the Blue Man Group.

Let's see. Look. Hi.

really nice. They don't really talk a lot, but they're really nice to me.

That's great.

And this is my friend Skip.

He seems nice.

You know, I just don't want to go. I mean, we got all night.

There's no rush. You know what? Fine.

I have all night to leave.

My dog is out there and I might as well just...

Was this what?

It is him.

We found him at the pound. They said an eagle dropped him in the bushes.

Are you kidding me?

Sorry about his nose. We tried to pull it out.

Oh, my God.

Hey, Kathy, you got to see this. Come on. It's like a million and one miracle,

man. I can't believe this.

Kathy, look.

Yeah?

Drew was cute.

Would you shut up?

Hey, good news.

What? I got a drug code.

Eagle pheromones.

Pheromones? Yeah, it's a chemical that makes you attracted to the opposite sex.

Hey! For eagles. Oh.

Throw it off of Drew's property, right? The eagle follows it. No more problem,

huh? Yeah, that's a great idea. You gotta throw it because you got a better

Okay, let's go.

Don't stop the eagle pheromones. What kind of pheromones do you think they

Squirrels.

You know what I would do if I

was you?

I would run home to your house. Why?

Because eagles eat squirrels.

eagles, squirrels.

Hey, old loser.

You got me an F on my homework.

Get your house goodbye.

I called the cops.

We're not afraid of you anymore. We got an eagle on our roof.

That's right, you little jerk.

This house is now a protected eagle habitat.

So get someone else to do your homework for you.

I wonder if the eagle can do the trick I taught my dog.

you try to make money you never made money what about the mail or parrot

business cheerleader sitters how about when you try to be clam divers there's

clams in lake erie internet exorcism you know you're very attractive for a comic