Original subtitles

Man, I hate Mother's Day.

I clean the bathroom, hide my porn.

Anybody see my Bible?

I found some more gross stuff for your box of shame.

Put my mesh underwear in there?

No. I picked them up with a stick of disgust and put them in a can of

Yeah, I'm not looking forward to Sunday either.

My mom's always on me about, what are you going to do with your life? You

too much. Oh, big man with a knife, just like your father. You don't have the

gut.

Yeah, Mother's Day sucks.

You know, the worst of having a special brunch, we should spend Mother's Day

together. I mean, we could run interference for each other. Oh, that's

idea.

Hey, what's a purple velour jumpsuit doing in your box of shame?

I could put it on and show you.

energy calling me back where it comes from it's such a crude

attitude it's back where it belongs all the little chicks with the

crimson lips go cleveland rock cleveland rock living in sin

Not seeing someone. You know, you're not getting any younger.

You're not getting any younger.

Could be worse.

This one's living in the park with another man.

Well, I've given up on this one. Who'd marry this face?

One day we'll settle this, you and I.

Tick -tock, old lady.

This is my new stepmother, Melanie.

Hi, guys.

Oh, my God.

She looks just like her.

It's creepy, but technically it's not a crime.

I know it sounds weird, but I feel so safe and small in your arms.

Everybody, this is Mr. Wick's mom, Maggie Wick.

Oh, my.

You know, I had that exact same dress years ago when it was fashionable.

Of course, it looks much better on you, dear.

Well, I certainly hope so.

Who do I have to sleep with to get a drink around here?

son with a baby.

I could get married like Steve. You know, if I dug a hole in the woods and

proposed to the first thing that fell into it.

You have to be nice to me. It's my day.

I'll be nice to you when it's asexual lump of dough day.

Oh, Steven, honey, I worry about you working as a garden at prison. Oh, don't

look. Happy Mother's Day.

I got you a personalized license plate.

Remember the Cincinnati kitchen rapist? He made that.

You tell him from me that I just love it.

Hey, I thought you said your grandma was coming to this thing.

Oh, she's fixing her face before she comes in.

Let's party.

a gentleman used to stand up for a lady before the hippies.

Well, it's after ten. I'm going to get a whiskey.

Oh, God, this is getting so bad.

You are so lucky to have a little grandchild.

Well, you know, we'd have babies and relationships, too, if we just found the

right people.

Yeah. You've just been busy, you know.

Doing what?

Oh, you know...

Getting ahead, having a career, that kind of stuff.

Look, everyone, my name's on TV.

These are the names of the top adult website users in the Cleveland area.

Robert Johnson, the controversial owner of Internet service provider CyberCleve

.com, is publishing these names on his homepage as part of his campaign against

pornography.

Well,

I guess we know what you've been so busy with.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, don't be too sorry. Your kid's famous, too.

Oh, no.

Thank goodness you're not... I can't find his very common name.

Oh, Kate.

Lewis, am I going to see your name on that list?

Yeah. I'm hideous. I'm the only one who will touch me.

for having been so humiliated.

Really? I would have thought having the same dress as that gigantic hooker over

there would have been your whole plan.

Half my friends saw that broadcast.

I've never been so embarrassed in my life.

Yeah, that was awful.

Would you like a little Irish cream in your coffee?

Sure, just a little. Okay, say when.

Well, we'll just fill it up.

Hey, any of you beautiful young women seen our mothers?

I'm just going to get a couple beers.

Hey, if you want us, we'll just be in here masturbating.

Too soon, huh?

How are you doing?

Not bad, considering your mother just found out that her baby likes to look at

pictures of naked nurses with guns.

If they're naked, how do you know that they're nurses?

That's been a topic of discussion in the chat room for quite some time.

So do they call? Yeah, and they're being real jerks. They won't take our names

off the internet.

Oh, boo -hoo, you people think you've got it bad.

They're saying I'm the number one web pervert in all of Cleveland. How do you

think I feel?

Always looking over my shoulder, wondering what young punk's going to

behind me and knock me off my throne.

I guess this explains why none of our little darlings have a wife or a family.

If you're spending hours on the naughty internet, you don't have time to find a

really nice girl.

We should concentrate on the children.

Now, they're good kids, but we've got to get them back on the right path, and I

have a plan.

They can't do this to us. It's got to be illegal.

There's only one way to find out. Just sue them.

You just can't take that I'm number one, can you?

Children, we've been talking, and we've decided you're on a bad path.

You need our help.

Uh, what exactly do you mean by that?

We're moving in with you.

Dibs on Kate's mom.

for my beard.

My legal erotica!

You're burning my lady!

Yes, but I saved that purple jumpsuit I gave you. And now that you're on soy

milk, I bet we'll get you back into it.

Oh, we saw the smoke. What's going on here?

I'm burning Bruce Smut.

Oh, for God's sakes. If he wants to look at a magazine, let him look.

At least he's not out stabbing prostitutes.

Like my sister's boy.

Yeah, Mom, I'm not out stabbing prostitutes.

I'm just doing this for your own good.

Now, why can't you be like your brother here?

Beautiful child.

Interesting wife.

Yeah, don't worry, Mom.

Someday, Drew will have an interesting family of his own. Not an idiot. I know

what interesting means.

Look, I know you mean well, but this is too much. You have to leave.

No, you still need me. I'm going to stay as long as it takes for you to get over

this unhealthy fascination with naked women.

Unhealthy? You don't even know what unhealthy is. The unhealthy stuff I keep

a safe deposit box.

Hold it.

I'm the oldest and the wisest one here, and I have something to say.

I'll give you $100 for this fabulous jumpsuit.

have decided that the reason you two are alone on a Saturday night is because

you've forgotten how to talk to women.

Right. So, tonight, you're going to practice on us.

Now, just pretend that we are two women that you're interested in.

How am I going to do that with my mom?

Well, fine. You can do it with me, and Oswald can do it with Missy.

You give her your best shot, honey.

We're talking to my best friends.

Hello, beautiful.

You know, I saw you from across the room and I said to myself, if I don't talk

to her, I'll regret it the rest of my life.

I could just get lost in those big blue eyes of yours.

Oh, Isabel.

Mom!

I was just pretending.

Now, Oswald, that wasn't bad.

Maybe a bit much, but...

Well,

obviously Oswald knows what he's doing.

I think your son is holding my boy back.

Oh, really?

Well, if you don't like my son, then why don't you get out of his house?

Well, this is my son's house, too.

And I'm staying here until I straighten out his life.

So am I.

Well, that's great.

Not only did I not get a chance to come on to your mom, but now we're never

gonna get rid of him.

Hello?

I can't talk right now.

long to go without one of these.

It's just like high school, except we're making twice as much money now.

Hey, guys.

Good news. I have a court date set with that cyber cleave guy. Our Lori thinks

we're going to win.

Good. You know that? We should see that guy for pain and suffering.

I thought I heard someone out here. Oh, my God. You're on drugs. Look how tiny

your pupils are.

They're tiny because you're shining a light in my eyes.

Well, you're drinking.

That makes me glad that I've made the decision that I've made. What decision

that, Mrs. T? Well, the other mothers and I got a call from a very nice

and we've agreed to testify against you in court.

What?

Yes. You're my mom.

Yes, I am. And maybe a little more public shame will make you think about

you've done. Or stop thinking about what you've done.

My own mother?

We're never going to win this case.

I hope you'll like Medicare, because you're getting nothing from me.

And by making these names public, we at Slabber Cleave want to make it clear

that we do not approve of pornography.

It is addictive and corrosive to the moral fiber of this community.

Your witness?

Your Honor, the Constitution. Constitution protects everyone in this

doesn't say everyone has rights except perverts. Yeah!

Mr. Johnson, you position yourself as a crusader protecting the children of this

community. Is that correct?

That's right.

Look, I know I'm supposed to be defending these guys, but as a father of

I'd like to shake their hand.

What the hell, huh?

Your Honor, I'd like to fire my attorney, defend myself.

Mr. Carey, this court doesn't generally recommend representing yourself.

That's right, filth monger.

Go ahead, Mr. Carey. Counsel, you're dismissed.

Mr. Johnson, you may step down. Mr. Bolson, call your next witness.

I would like to call Drew Carey to the stand.

Mr. Carey, remember, you're still under oath.

Mr. Carey, you claim to be a moral and decent person, correct?

That's correct.

Thank you. You may step down.

my next witness, I would like to call someone who disagrees with Mr. Carey.

His mother.

Whoa! The pig's own mother turning against him? This is better than that

Mother's Day brunch, huh, Grandma?

This thing is bullcrap.

Wasting our tax dollars on silly things like this.

Fix the roads!

Mrs. Carey, I understand that you, Mr. Carey's own mother, Support Mr.

Johnson and his decision to list all the city's most frequent users of adult

websites. Yes, I do. But it's only because I love him and I want what's

him.

No further questions.

The plaintiff may question the witness.

Thank you.

Now, mother, you say that I've gone down a wrong path, but

whose fault is that?

An internet service provider who's only been in business for two years? Or you,

who's raped me for 18 years?

May I interject, please?

A year ago, this man tried to force himself on me for free.

Can you just strike that?

I mean, can you just walk across the room and strike that?

Well, you know, they say a man's relationship with women is based on his

relationship with his mother, so yes.

Fix the roads!

If I've had trouble attracting women, maybe it's because I lack self

-confidence, and that's the fault of the parent.

Drew, you're just grasping at straws. You're going to lose this case just like

you lose everything.

Your Honor, I'd like my mother's attitude submitted as Exhibit A.

I'd like to concur with Mr. Carey and blame my mother for all my problems. Me

too. Yeah, yeah.

My stepmother looks just like me. Isn't that creepy?

Oswald, do you really feel that way?

Well, yeah. I mean, you did the best you could, but come on. You never once

called me smart.

Oh, honey, you are.

You are good looking.

Lewis, honey, what could you possibly blame me for?

How about standing over my bed at night holding a pillow whispering, it would be

so easy I could have my life back?

It was a joke. I knew he was awake.

Okay, okay, maybe we weren't perfect mothers. Maybe we did mess you up. Oh, I

feel awful.

Yeah, me too.

But I'll still stand by my joke.

Get that?

Yes. You all admitted in a court of law that it's your fault.

Yeah. No further questions, Your Honor.

Mr. Carey, what does all this have to do with the case against Cybercleave?

Huh? What?

Oh, oh yeah.

Your Honor, our forefathers founded

this country on principles of freedom.

Now let us examine the word

America.

Adults. Material.

Everywhere, right?

It's cool, eh?

It's almost lunchtime and I can't pretend to listen anymore.

This is an open and shut case of invasion of privacy. Now we can continue

afternoon or you.

can agree to take those names off the internet and I'll waive the punitive

damages. Fine, I think I've made my point. I'll take the names off the

Case is dismissed.

Oh, Drew.

Drew, do you really think we messed up your lives that badly?

Doesn't matter what I think.

It's the law.

Well, excuse us for wanting you to be happy with kids and wives. Don't worry,

we'll get there someday.

Yeah, but when we're ready, not when you say.

Yeah, so back off.

I should have killed you when I had the chance.

You know what screwed up our kids?

Watching old TV shows with those perfect TV mothers.

Exactly. They were so wise. They knew all the answers. Nobody could possibly

live up to that.

And they were so beautiful too.

beautiful.