Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Lewitt.

I have to say you have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen.

Hi, I'm Susan.

Oh, hi.

Live around here?

Actually, I'm from Seattle.

Oh, Seattle.

Nice city.

I read a book about a serial killer in Seattle.

I read a lot of books about serial killers.

You know, most serial killers get caught because they boast about their crimes.

It's not a mistake I'd make.

So where exactly do you live?

Well, that's it.

I'm never going to get a date for this wedding tomorrow night.

Sounds like a special occasion. Why don't you bring a hooker?

You don't get it. It's not just a wedding. It's Denise's wedding.

Oh, Denise.

Didn't you go out with her for like two weeks? Yeah, longest relationship I've

ever had.

When we broke up, she said I'd never get a good job and I'd spend the rest of my

life alone.

So what? That was under your yearbook picture.

Yeah, but if I show up at the wedding alone tomorrow, it's going to prove that

everything she said was right.

Oh, don't worry, man.

We'll get you a date. I guess ten minutes before the bar closes.

You really think you can get me a date with one of these women?

I guarantee it.

And we have an early leader.

All this energy calling me back where it comes from.

It's such a crude attitude.

It's back where it belongs.

All the little chicks with the crimson lips go Cleveland Rocks! Cleveland

Living in sin with a safety pin goes Cleveland Rocks!

I appreciate you guys helping me, but I've been trying to get a date for this

wedding for three weeks.

I don't want to hear talk like that. You're a great guy, and any one of these

lonely, aging alcoholics will be lucky to have you.

You think she can do it?

Well, she certainly knows all the pickup lines that worked on her in bars.

Hi!

Excuse me, may I talk to you for a second?

I guess.

My name's Kate.

And this is kind of awkward because I've never done something like this before.

Uh -huh.

I have a friend who doesn't have that much experience with women, but you're

very attractive, and I think you and my friend would really hit it off.

I see.

You know, I had a friend who had difficulty asking women out, too.

Good, so you know how awkward this is.

I absolutely do.

Well, good.

So, um, can I tell my friend you'd like to go out? Well, first, why don't you

tell me a little something about your friend?

Look where we are.

Oh.

How'd we get here?

I don't think she's helping you here.

It ain't hurting.

There's been a small mistake.

I really was trying to set you up with my friend over there.

Oh, goodness.

I'm sorry. This is a little bit embarrassing. No, no, no. It's okay. I

you weren't already gay, you would have been after you went out with him.

Look, I really do find you attractive, so if you ever want to go out or

something... My name's Beverly.

Oh, I really don't think so.

Dr. Beverly Johnson.

Well, I guess it couldn't hurt to keep this. I mean, I learned to like tofu.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Lewis.

Oh, man.

Don't worry, buddy. I won't let you down.

I'm going to try her.

Man, I hope he finds someone. When they RSVP'd for the wedding, I might have

exaggerated about a few things.

Well, that's only natural.

I told him I was one of the X -Men.

What? You said you were in that movie?

No. I told him I was the supernatural demigod who depends the Earth.

My friend right over there. He's the nicest guy you'd ever want to meet, but

rattling on. What's your name?

That's a really long name.

Do you mind if I just call you Ja?

No, English.

I, Russian.

Oh.

Oh, so you don't know what American men are supposed to be like.

That's good.

All right, now how can I explain this to you? My friend needs

girl.

What is he doing?

I think he's doing Bugs Bunny doing Mae West.

He needs a date to a wedding, to a...

It's

me!

Oh, yeah!

Yes,

yes, yes. Come over here, quick! Come on!

Hey, Lewis, this is Yaya. This is Lewis.

Hi. You asked?

Oh,

I, Marie, you asked for green card.

Marry me. No, no, no.

I'm sorry. I can't help you get a green card.

Oh, well. I guess I'll be back stripping by the airport.

Are you ready? Absolutely.

The end of the summer with the best movie of the summer.

Ebert and Roper give the Italian job two thumbs up.

Mark Wahlberg, Charlize Theron, Edward Norton. The Italian job.

Rated PG -13.

See it again at theaters tomorrow.

What's going on, buddy?

I'll find somebody for you.

Hi. Excuse me. Sorry to bother you, but a friend of mine is looking for a date.

You seem really nice. Hi. Drew Carey is the name.

Drew Carey, the one who used to live on Sedgwick Street?

Yeah, I still do.

I'm Heather Thompson from across the street.

You guys go ahead. I'll catch up with you later.

Heather! Oh, my God. I haven't seen you since we were about five.

You know, the last time I saw you, the babysitter was giving us a bath

Oh.

I don't know if you remember this, but the first time I saw you naked when we

were three years old, I told my dad I thought somebody had cut your thing off.

And he told me that's what they did to the boys who didn't clean their room.

So to this day, you can just eat off my bedroom floor.

It was great to see you again.

Yeah. So, um, which one's your friend?

Okay, here goes.

It's that guy right there.

He's kind of cute. Lewis, get over here, quick!

Heather, my childhood friend, Lewis.

Nice to meet you.

Here's the deal. My ex -girlfriend's getting married tomorrow. If I go alone,

I'm going to... Say no more. I've been there.

I'd love to help you out.

Really?

Oh, great. Thanks.

I've got some friends waiting.

Here's my number. Oh, okay. Call me.

Hey, Heather.

Listen, I was just thinking the last time we bathed together, I had a duck.

A what?

A duck.

It's my favorite rubber duck I sleep with all the time.

Anyway, I brought it over to your house and, well, haven't seen it since.

So? Well, I know the duck didn't just fly away on its own.

Excuse me, are you calling me a thief?

I'll buy you a duck, Drew. I'll buy you a hundred duck.

I'm not calling you a thief. I'm just saying if you have any information, now

would be a good time to come forward.

No, that was my favorite rubber duck. I lost a lot of sleep because of that

duck. Not that I was sleeping so great anyway, because my dad kept on

threatening to hack off my penis if I left the laundry toy on the floor.

You're nuts.

I'm leaving.

See you tomorrow.

No. If you're friends with him, you're probably nuts, too.

Oh, that's it. That's great. That's probably my last chance to get a date

tonight, Drew.

Need a date? I'll fix you up.

Anyway, you're going to fix me up?

She's always fixing people up. She believes that if she fixes up three

and they wind up getting married, she gets an automatic ticket to heaven.

All right, let's get this camel head a date.

Excuse me.

Going home alone, I see? Well, you don't have to.

Really?

Who do you suggest to accompany me? Wedding ring, you whore!

need to ask you a favor would you like to go out with that guy over there no

he's not really my type i hear you he's a stick fetcher but let me ask

you this would you rather be with a good looking guy that's going to be tough to

hold on to or someone who's going to get down on his knees every day and thank

the good lord he has you well i guess i go for the second guy yes We're doing

the weird stuff tonight because you're going to heaven. Come on.

Lewis, come on, boy. Come on.

Hi. Hi.

I'm Lewis. Did I tell you about my situation?

Yeah. You know, I don't usually let strangers set me up, but I guess there's

harm in getting to know each other.

I'm Kelly. Oh, hi. Hi. Lucy.

Thank you.

You're really pretty. I can't believe you're even talking to me.

Kelly.

The guys who treat you best are just the nice, regular guys who are happy to be

with you. I could see that. I could also see a guy so consumed with jealousy

that he'd spend all his time worrying that his precious jewel might meet

better.

So naturally, he'd get to thinking, if I can't have her, nobody will.

What?

Oh, I'm sorry. Crazy talk.

So where exactly do you live?

I'm a camel -headed, stick -fetching freak that nobody wants.

Oh, come on. If you couldn't get a date in ten minutes, that doesn't prove

anything. So what? No, that's it.

Denise was right.

I'm not going to the wedding. I'm going to spend the rest of my life alone.

Poor Louis.

You know, I'm really worried about him. We should get someone to check on him.

Yeah. Hey, I know a doctor we could call.

Huh?

Why would he need a cardiologist?

Well, um, she's a heart doctor.

And he's heartbroken.

There's some logic to it.

Just because you have coffee with someone doesn't make you a lesbian.

The world could not believe its own eyes.

Adolf Hitler... The History Channel.

Did you know even Hitler had a girlfriend?

Yeah. You know why? Because Hitler didn't give up when things got bad. Oh,

I guess he did.

Here, have a beer. Oh, thanks.

Oh,

that went down easy.

Oh, he's still pretty bad, huh?

All right, mister, you're not going to lay there and wallow. You're going to

up and fight this depression.

Why are you wearing a baseball uniform?

I'm not. These are my pajamas.

Oh, look at you.

You're a big leaguer.

Where exactly does a man your size get baseball pajamas?

I just buy a regular baseball uniform. I have a woman who adds footsies and a

flap.

Lewis, I am going to cheer you up.

I guarantee you'll get a woman.

Really? Yeah.

Think about it. Nursing homes have like a nine to one ratio of women to men.

So what you're saying is if I take good care of myself, by the time I'm 90, I

could get a woman?

No, I'm saying go to a nursing home now and get some hot Grammy love.

Thanks anyway.

Oh, look, they hung Mussolini next to his wife.

Must be nice to have someone to do things with.

Hey, Lewis, good news. I got a woman out here who I guarantee will never reject

you.

Hi, honey.

You brought my mom?

Oswald dropped by my workshop and told me about the trouble that you're having.

So, I just, uh, blew a bunch of sawdust up that bear's ass, shoved a cork in it,

and came right over.

You still attached it there, Mr. and Mrs. Koniski?

What else would I be doing with a big dead bear?

I'm sorry.

So, the answer's yes?

Darling, in order to snap you out of your little funk, I brought you your

favorite dessert.

German chocolate cake.

It's not my favorite, it's your favorite.

Fine, then I'll eat the whole damn thing.

Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Cut me a piece.

Watch your hands. They've been up a bear.

Oh, what a beautiful dog.

He's just sleeping.

Well, you just can't turn it off, can you?

Thanks for coming over, Mrs. Gnithke.

You know, I just don't understand why Lewis can't get a date.

He certainly knows how to treat a woman.

Do you know that last year he converted all my semi -automatic assault rifles to

full auto as a Mother's Day surprise?

I bet the guy calls before he comes around to read your gas meter, huh?

The new guy does.

Maybe the reason that he can't get a girl is that he's always been so much of

loner. Since he was two, he used to sit alone in his room reading encyclopedias.

He was reading when he was two? Sounds like a genius.

She'll hear you.

He is a genius. We had him tested, but we never told him the result.

He has an IQ of 162.

Wow.

So he really can't figure a check. He's just trying to get out of pain.

Well, why did you tell him?

Because as a kid, they found out I was a genius. And then everybody treated me

like a freak. I wanted him to be a normal, happy boy.

No milk with that cake, please. I'm hoping to choke.

Listen, you have to tell him.

Oh, I can't. Well, if you don't tell him, I will.

Maybe he'll finally understand why he has trouble connecting to people.

Well, if there is a chance that it could help him, then maybe he should know.

Yeah, I think it might do him some good.

Charming, huh?

Can't wait to mix alcohol with that.

Hi, I'm Monet. Welcome to Mensa for Singles. Are you new members?

I am. I'm Louis.

These are my friends.

They ooh and ah when I say something smart.

I may not be a genius, but I do know one thing. This is a good homo erectus.

Before you start giggling, that means man.

Congratulations. You used homo and erect in the same sentence. Let's get out of

here.

I can't go anywhere. I don't feel comfortable around these people.

All right. We're here for you.

Hey, how many beers do you think it would take to get a smart girl down to

level?

About seven for me and about ten for you. Right.

So, Monet.

That's a lovely name.

Thank you.

Well, you're a genius.

I'm a genius.

What's the odds that I can get into those smarty pants of yours?

Where exactly do you live?

Hey. Oh, look.

You're still here.

Wow. So, uh, tell me, Monet, what's your IQ?

187. Oh, really? What's that right here?

Guess he had that one. $1 .90 to see

that coming, huh?

It's nice to meet you, Lewis.

We were just talking about The Last Tycoon by F. Scott Fitzgerald and how

different it would have been if you'd looked to finish it. What do you think?

Well, it would have been longer.

So what is it that you do, Lewis?

Well, I guess there's no way to take the stink off this. I'm a janitor.

Oh.

My, and you're a genius. You're sort of like that fellow in Good Will Hunting.

Did you see that? Was it animated? No. Then I didn't see it.

Excuse that.

I don't belong here. I don't belong anywhere. I'm a freak.

Oh, come on, Lewis. You're a genius, all right? You belong.

But this is new to me. These people have been geniuses since they were kids.

They've been reading, studying. They're successful in their lives. I've just got

this big empty brain.

No, it's not empty. You know tons of stuff.

I know tons of crap.

I know how many cockroaches it takes to tow a toothbrush.

I know the last meals of everyone who's been executed in the last hundred years.

I know which vice presidents were gay and which ones were robots and which one

was the gay robot.

Little Demi Quayle?

Maybe.

I'm just a stupid loser genius.

Make a hole, you brainiacs.

room with the dead rat in the wall.

Do you have to do this now? We're in the middle of a Mensa function, you fool.

Hey, don't call me a fool, lady. I got a 192 IQ.

What are you packing?

Fine, but could you please hurry up?

Well, as John Harvey Stevens said as he was eating his final meal before they

gave him the chair, we can do it slow or we can do it fast.

Either way, it's gonna stink.

Hi. Hey.

You don't happen to know what John Harvey Stevens' last meal was, do you?

Well, that's a trick question.

See, in the cell it was chicken. But he also bit off guard's finger as they were

strapping him into the chair. So technically, a son was... Son was his

meal.

Would Madame care for assistance with her dead rat?

I'd be honored.

True. Thanks for helping my son, Louis.

Love, Mrs. Knisky.

Yes, look at my butt.