Original subtitles

Morning, boss.

Morning, Mimi.

Oh, nice tiara. I got one just like it. We found it in a palace my daddy bought.

Oh, I found mine in the ladies' room at the dog track.

And I'm wearing it because it's Secretary's Day.

It's Secretary's Day?

Well, you're kind of like my assistant.

I should do something nice for you.

I know.

I'll give you Helford.

You're giving me your manservant? Sure.

For a week, he'll do anything for you. You don't mind, do you, Helford?

I'm here to serve, madam. If it is your wish, I'm happy to do it.

Isn't he cool?

He talks like that all the time.

Morning, everybody.

Hey, Helford.

Call that man a pig.

Very good, madam.

Hear ye, hear ye, let all with ears attend.

Mr. Beck would like those assembled to know that the gentleman before you is a

common barnyard swine.

Will there be anything else, madam?

Yeah, I need you to rub my feet.

Nobody else in town will touch them.

As you wish, madam. Once again, thank you.

So, Drew, I've decided to fix you up with my mom.

Your mom?

Wasn't she a model or something? Why would she want to get fixed up with me?

Well, I'm tired of her getting hurt by all these jet -sending playboys.

You're so nice and stable and calming. You know, like a glass of warm milk.

Hey, you know what, baby?

Milk can go bad.

Sweetie, I'm here.

Mom!

Mom, this is Drew, the guy I was telling you about.

Oh, you're right. He does look like a young Brian Dennehy.

I'll take that.

Some people say I look like the commish.

Ah, this must be your mother, the lovely Lady Money. Mercer, I'm nice.

Could I have my diamond ring back, please?

What ring?

Sir, I understand you're in need of an escort.

Care to see Cleveland my way?

And how will you point out the sights with all my jewelry in your mouth?

Interesting how you brought the conversation round to my mouth.

Patience, patience, my sweet. The joy is in the hunt.

So, Mom, Drew has agreed to show you around.

Right, Drew?

Yeah, I mean, sure, if it's okay with you. I'd love to.

So, um, what kind of things do you like to do?

Uh, does Cleveland have any good art museums?

What's so funny?

Uh, last time I was at the art museum, I was in second grade, and, uh, we saw a

painting of a woman getting out of a bathroom and you could see her butt.

That museum was great, huh?

Yeah, and you were right.

That was one big butt.

What do you want to do now?

Actually, I'd love to drive your car.

Really? Do you like my car?

I do.

It's so down to earth, so real.

Let me try it.

Please?

You know, this doesn't corner as well as my Lamborghini.

All this energy calling

me Back where it comes from It's such a crude attitude

It's back where it...

Ohio! Yeah,

I've been in a little accident.

Yeah,

it's an overturned beetle.

It's white. It's got red flames painted on the side.

Listen, I'm not going to give you the license plate number. I'm just going to

see if you can find it.

I feel awful about this.

And I insist on buying you a whole new car.

What does something like this cost?

Seventy, eighty thousand?

Yeah.

Look, just get the dents fixed, okay?

I'm really sorry.

Oh, don't worry. Just put tight the tow truck will be here in about fifteen

minutes.

I'm hungry.

Well, what would you like?

Here at Overturned Beetle, we have an extensive selection.

Okay. I should keep some candy right here in the center console.

Oh. Here you go.

Well, let's split them.

This gravity thing, they have it where you're from, right?

You know, I've never met anyone like you.

You drive yourself to the office every day in your little car, and you work

behind your desk from nine to five, and then you go bowling with your buddies.

I love that.

Oh, my God.

I'll let you drive my car. You're drunk out of your mind.

No, I'm serious.

When you're rich, life gets so complicated.

Listen, if we ever get out of here... You smell the gas, too? Uh -huh.

So, if we ever get out of here, I'd like to see what regular people do on a

Friday night.

Well, after I drive, I was just going to go to a bar and hang out with my

buddies. Oh, that sounds great.

It would be so nice to stop being this spoiled little rich girl for once and

just be one of the guys.

My neck's getting tired. Could you hold my head up for me?

So after six years of careful training, the scientists at Drugco finally got a

dolphin to talk.

Wow, a talking dolphin.

What does it say? Same thing all the other animals say. I'll talk, I'll talk,

just stop shocking me.

This place is so comfortable, just like they tell me an old shoe would be.

This place looks like a sanctuary from the outside world for us. Nothing can

to us here.

War, hunger, sunsets, love, marriage, family.

Hey, hey.

More drinking, less thinking. Oh, yeah.

How long have you been friends? Oh, since the second grade.

He was sweet, but a little slow.

Skinny and weird.

And Drew was nice, but a little overweight.

Hey, I think you're lucky. Everybody I know has, like... Five or six houses,

they're always jetting around the world.

My friendships never last.

And if I do find a friend, I don't know if they like me or my money.

So what you're saying, while you may be richer in money, we're richer in other

ways.

Interesting. Crap, but interesting.

Hey, hey, let's figure out who pays the bill.

We have a little chug -a -lug contest. You pay the check. Okay, we're on three.

One, two...

Bow down before my enlarged liver.

The contest is over.

Well, I may not have won, but I went the distance.

I'm having so much fun. Thank you, Drew.

Wow. Look at me. I'm making out with the boss's mom.

So, what should we do next?

I know. Let's go bowling.

Alright. We can sneak in some beers.

Oh, they have fib beer there.

Wow. It's like wherever there's poor people, there's beer.

if I told you not to leave your leftovers in my filing cabinet.

Well, I didn't do it.

But I'd like to thank the man that did.

You're welcome, madam.

You, Helfer?

Loving it. Give me some skin on that, Jeeves.

Would you like to take it downtown, madam?

Man, if I had a nickel for every time I heard that, huh?

I've got some good news.

My mom likes you.

I just took her to the airport, and the whole way she was talking about how cute

and sweet you are.

I think she's falling for you.

And yet she's speeding away from me at 600 miles an hour.

I was hoping you two would really hit it off and fall in love, but who am I

kidding? She doesn't have a penny in the bank.

And if she ever marries anybody, she loses all of her alimony, which is $500

,000 a month.

$500 ,000 a month?

I wouldn't give that up for anybody.

I broke up with a woman once because she wanted me to stop watching The Three

Stooges.

Hey, Drew.

Lindsay, what are you doing here?

I'm not going to Paris.

I'm moving to Cleveland to be with you.

normal family. A model, an heiress, and a guy from Cleveland.

Lindsay, before you say anything, I love you. I've always loved you. I want you

to marry me.

But if it works out and we get serious and you lose your alimony, you'll be

penniless. I don't care about money. You've changed. I don't love you

Goodbye.

Okay, I figured it out. $62 ,500.

What's that?

Well, if you and Lindsay ever get married and she loses her alimony, every

you have sex, it'll end up costing her $62 ,500.

Wow.

Well, I do have that thing I do with my hips.

It hurts and it's boring.

Too much pressure, man. Way too much pressure.

Yeah, it's a lot of money.

No, I'm talking about your hips. I think you're applying too much...

She obviously likes you. How do you feel about her?

Well, you've seen her. She's pretty. She's fun.

But she's never going to end up with a guy like me.

You there, trollop. Kind of remove your cheap Mexican boob job from my path.

Thank you.

Alfred, have you been drinking?

No, but I expect to be presently, you four -eyed Mary.

Well, there you are. What's going on, Alfred? I got you for six more hours.

I am no longer a man -servant, madam.

You have made me a man.

Oh, Helmut.

No, no, no.

You misunderstand her.

For 40 years, I took orders and stifled my true feelings.

But Miss Bobet Carey showed me how cathartic speaking one's mind can be.

I couldn't possibly go back to a life of servitude.

Farewell.

Holy crap, I broke the butler.

Oh, hello, Catherine.

Goodbye, you impertinent, uncultured, narcissistic, pretentious, ill -bred

shrew.

Oh, by the way, for the past 20 years, before I served you your French toast, I

rubbed it against my bare bottom.

Goodbye.

It was always hot.

Lindsay, can I talk to you over here for a second?

Uh, listen.

I know you like the idea of poor people, but you've only seen the beer and the

bowling, you know, the glamorous side of being poor.

Is that why you think I moved to Cleveland?

Because I like your lifestyle?

Why won't you believe me?

I really care about you.

Okay, let's say that's true, and let's say we even get married someday. You

don't realize what giving up all this money is going to do to you. You

last a week living like me.

Drew, I want to prove to you that I can do this.

I am not going to touch my alimony for a week.

I'm going to live as if I have nothing.

Well, not so good.

I leaned against the button that opens all the cells again.

Here, honey.

I brought you another beer.

What happened to my buzz beer? You know, I own buzz beer. I can't drink anything

but buzz beer.

Oh, I know. This was on sale.

I saved a dollar.

Listen, you don't know any better, so I'll just tell you. You can't try to

money by not having the right beer.

You know, you can skip having medical insurance, you can buy everything you

with a swap meet, but... The right beer is what makes

living like this possible.

Wow, I can't believe it. She's like a different woman.

Yeah, we only had one glitch so far, you know, in the bedroom.

Ooh.

Groundhog wouldn't come out of the hole, huh?

It doesn't live in a hole.

Although it is cute and it does predict the weather.

Well, what was the problem?

I don't know. I just kept thinking about all the money it was costing her. It

just freaked me out.

I can only guess how tough that must be. That's never happened with Mimi and me.

So, she's never had a problem getting an erection?

I didn't want you boys to get up from your game, so I brought you your

and cheese.

Wow.

Wow, this looks great.

Here, hey.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Is this what it's supposed to taste like?

Mmm.

Good.

You haven't even swallowed it yet.

Mmm. I'm just sucking all the flavor out of it.

Excuse me.

It's okay. She's getting used to it.

Yesterday, I had a rubber throat to get the fried bologna to go down.

Mmm.

I love my macaroni and cheese.

Well, there's... Do you know why? There's other stuff we can eat. You

there's beefaroni, hot pocket, fucking joes.

Oh, is your rash coming back?

I thought it went away after we left the Kmart.

It did, but it came back after Wienerschnitzel.

Don't worry, I'm fine. I'm just getting used to all this.

I'll put a little cream on it and it'll be gone by morning.

See, I told you the cream would work.

The rash is almost gone.

Oh.

You look great, honey.

So sweet.

Hey, listen, you know, you've been cooking all week. Why don't we go out to

dessert tonight?

Really? Yeah, anywhere you want. We can get French, Chinese, Greek, Italian.

We'll go to the food court, whatever line is shortest.

Hey, guys.

Hey. Holy mother of God!

It's the rash, isn't it?

What rash?

Get your boys some beer.

No, no, hey.

It's okay, I'll get it. Why don't you just go upstairs and put on your

gauze, and I'll call you when it's time to go to bed.

Okay.

Whoa.

You know, I once caught a catfish, put it in my trunk, and forgot about it all

summer. Let me open up the trunk again. You know what it looked like?

Your girlfriend.

Shut up. She'll be fine.

You guys are missing the whole point. She's doing this for me. It means she

really loves me. It sounds like you're starting to fall for her, too.

Well, yeah, she looks more beautiful to me every day.

We're talking about the thing that was just in this room, right?

You're just jealous because I lucked out.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go run a warm bath to soften up my

boils.

I must need a girlfriend because that sounds so good.

Oh, no, it's on your back now, too?

Honey,

honey, are you crying?

No. For some reason, my sinuses are draining out of my eyes.

Oh, Lindsay, you're so incredible. You've been through so much this week.

Listen, I have a confession to make.

I really liked you from the very beginning, but I was afraid to admit it.

I mean, let's face it, you're just out of my league, but now I'm just going to

come right out and say it.

I've fallen in love with you, Lindsay.

Oh, my God.

I can't do this anymore.

Being poor is killing me.

No, no. Too late. I already said I love you.

I thought I loved you, too.

And I thought I loved your life.

But I just kind of like you.

And I really hate your life.

I hate it, too.

We can hate it together.

Bye, Drew.

I wish I had something to remember you by.

Excuse me, where's the new waiter? My

French toast is taking forever.

Come on.

What took you so long?

I was just making sure it was properly heated, madam.

You know, you don't have to watch me eat it. Oh, yes, I do.