All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show s07e23 Rich Woman, Poor Man

Morning, boss.

Morning, Mimi.

Oh, nice tiara. I got one just like it.
We found it in a palace my daddy bought.

Oh, I found mine in the ladies' room at
the dog track.

And I'm wearing it because it's
Secretary's Day.

It's Secretary's Day?

Well, you're kind of like my assistant.

I should do something nice for you.

I know.

I'll give you Helford.

You're giving me your manservant? Sure.

For a week, he'll do anything for you.
You don't mind, do you, Helford?

I'm here to serve, madam. If it is your
wish, I'm happy to do it.

Isn't he cool?

He talks like that all the time.

Morning, everybody.

Hey, Helford.

Call that man a pig.

Very good, madam.

Hear ye, hear ye, let all with ears
attend.

Mr. Beck would like those assembled to
know that the gentleman before you is a

common barnyard swine.

Will there be anything else, madam?

Yeah, I need you to rub my feet.

Nobody else in town will touch them.

As you wish, madam. Once again, thank
you.

So, Drew, I've decided to fix you up
with my mom.

Your mom?

Wasn't she a model or something? Why
would she want to get fixed up with me?

Well, I'm tired of her getting hurt by
all these jet -sending playboys.

You're so nice and stable and calming.
You know, like a glass of warm milk.

Hey, you know what, baby?

Milk can go bad.

Sweetie, I'm here.

Mom!

Mom, this is Drew, the guy I was telling
you about.

Oh, you're right. He does look like a
young Brian Dennehy.

I'll take that.

Some people say I look like the commish.

Ah, this must be your mother, the lovely
Lady Money. Mercer, I'm nice.

Could I have my diamond ring back,
please?

What ring?

Sir, I understand you're in need of an
escort.

Care to see Cleveland my way?

And how will you point out the sights
with all my jewelry in your mouth?

Interesting how you brought the
conversation round to my mouth.

Patience, patience, my sweet. The joy is
in the hunt.

So, Mom, Drew has agreed to show you
around.

Right, Drew?

Yeah, I mean, sure, if it's okay with
you. I'd love to.

So, um, what kind of things do you like
to do?

Uh, does Cleveland have any good art
museums?

What's so funny?

Uh, last time I was at the art museum, I
was in second grade, and, uh, we saw a

painting of a woman getting out of a
bathroom and you could see her butt.

That museum was great, huh?

Yeah, and you were right.

That was one big butt.

What do you want to do now?

Actually, I'd love to drive your car.

Really? Do you like my car?

I do.

It's so down to earth, so real.

Let me try it.

Please?

You know, this doesn't corner as well as
my Lamborghini.

All this energy calling

me Back where it comes from It's such a
crude attitude

It's back where it...

Ohio! Yeah,

I've been in a little accident.

Yeah,

it's an overturned beetle.

It's white. It's got red flames painted
on the side.

Listen, I'm not going to give you the
license plate number. I'm just going to

see if you can find it.

I feel awful about this.

And I insist on buying you a whole new
car.

What does something like this cost?

Seventy, eighty thousand?

Yeah.

Look, just get the dents fixed, okay?

I'm really sorry.

Oh, don't worry. Just put tight the tow
truck will be here in about fifteen

minutes.

I'm hungry.

Well, what would you like?

Here at Overturned Beetle, we have an
extensive selection.

Okay. I should keep some candy right
here in the center console.

Oh. Here you go.

Well, let's split them.

This gravity thing, they have it where
you're from, right?

You know, I've never met anyone like
you.

You drive yourself to the office every
day in your little car, and you work

behind your desk from nine to five, and
then you go bowling with your buddies.

I love that.

Oh, my God.

I'll let you drive my car. You're drunk
out of your mind.

No, I'm serious.

When you're rich, life gets so
complicated.

Listen, if we ever get out of here...
You smell the gas, too? Uh -huh.

So, if we ever get out of here, I'd like
to see what regular people do on a

Friday night.

Well, after I drive, I was just going to
go to a bar and hang out with my

buddies. Oh, that sounds great.

It would be so nice to stop being this
spoiled little rich girl for once and

just be one of the guys.

My neck's getting tired. Could you hold
my head up for me?

So after six years of careful training,
the scientists at Drugco finally got a

dolphin to talk.

Wow, a talking dolphin.

What does it say? Same thing all the
other animals say. I'll talk, I'll talk,

just stop shocking me.

This place is so comfortable, just like
they tell me an old shoe would be.

This place looks like a sanctuary from
the outside world for us. Nothing can

to us here.

War, hunger, sunsets, love, marriage,
family.

Hey, hey.

More drinking, less thinking. Oh, yeah.

How long have you been friends? Oh,
since the second grade.

He was sweet, but a little slow.

Skinny and weird.

And Drew was nice, but a little
overweight.

Hey, I think you're lucky. Everybody I
know has, like... Five or six houses,

they're always jetting around the world.

My friendships never last.

And if I do find a friend, I don't know
if they like me or my money.

So what you're saying, while you may be
richer in money, we're richer in other

ways.

Interesting. Crap, but interesting.

Hey, hey, let's figure out who pays the
bill.

We have a little chug -a -lug contest.
You pay the check. Okay, we're on three.

One, two...

Bow down before my enlarged liver.

The contest is over.

Well, I may not have won, but I went the
distance.

I'm having so much fun. Thank you, Drew.

Wow. Look at me. I'm making out with the
boss's mom.

So, what should we do next?

I know. Let's go bowling.

Alright. We can sneak in some beers.

Oh, they have fib beer there.

Wow. It's like wherever there's poor
people, there's beer.

if I told you not to leave your
leftovers in my filing cabinet.

Well, I didn't do it.

But I'd like to thank the man that did.

You're welcome, madam.

You, Helfer?

Loving it. Give me some skin on that,
Jeeves.

Would you like to take it downtown,
madam?

Man, if I had a nickel for every time I
heard that, huh?

I've got some good news.

My mom likes you.

I just took her to the airport, and the
whole way she was talking about how cute

and sweet you are.

I think she's falling for you.

And yet she's speeding away from me at
600 miles an hour.

I was hoping you two would really hit it
off and fall in love, but who am I

kidding? She doesn't have a penny in the
bank.

And if she ever marries anybody, she
loses all of her alimony, which is $500

,000 a month.

$500 ,000 a month?

I wouldn't give that up for anybody.

I broke up with a woman once because she
wanted me to stop watching The Three

Stooges.

Hey, Drew.

Lindsay, what are you doing here?

I'm not going to Paris.

I'm moving to Cleveland to be with you.

normal family. A model, an heiress, and
a guy from Cleveland.

Lindsay, before you say anything, I love
you. I've always loved you. I want you

to marry me.

But if it works out and we get serious
and you lose your alimony, you'll be

penniless. I don't care about money.
You've changed. I don't love you

Goodbye.

Okay, I figured it out. $62 ,500.

What's that?

Well, if you and Lindsay ever get
married and she loses her alimony, every

you have sex, it'll end up costing her
$62 ,500.

Wow.

Well, I do have that thing I do with my
hips.

It hurts and it's boring.

Too much pressure, man. Way too much
pressure.

Yeah, it's a lot of money.

No, I'm talking about your hips. I think
you're applying too much...

She obviously likes you. How do you feel
about her?

Well, you've seen her. She's pretty.
She's fun.

But she's never going to end up with a
guy like me.

You there, trollop. Kind of remove your
cheap Mexican boob job from my path.

Thank you.

Alfred, have you been drinking?

No, but I expect to be presently, you
four -eyed Mary.

Well, there you are. What's going on,
Alfred? I got you for six more hours.

I am no longer a man -servant, madam.

You have made me a man.

Oh, Helmut.

No, no, no.

You misunderstand her.

For 40 years, I took orders and stifled
my true feelings.

But Miss Bobet Carey showed me how
cathartic speaking one's mind can be.

I couldn't possibly go back to a life of
servitude.

Farewell.

Holy crap, I broke the butler.

Oh, hello, Catherine.

Goodbye, you impertinent, uncultured,
narcissistic, pretentious, ill -bred

shrew.

Oh, by the way, for the past 20 years,
before I served you your French toast, I

rubbed it against my bare bottom.

Goodbye.

It was always hot.

Lindsay, can I talk to you over here for
a second?

Uh, listen.

I know you like the idea of poor people,
but you've only seen the beer and the

bowling, you know, the glamorous side of
being poor.

Is that why you think I moved to
Cleveland?

Because I like your lifestyle?

Why won't you believe me?

I really care about you.

Okay, let's say that's true, and let's
say we even get married someday. You

don't realize what giving up all this
money is going to do to you. You

last a week living like me.

Drew, I want to prove to you that I can
do this.

I am not going to touch my alimony for a
week.

I'm going to live as if I have nothing.

Well, not so good.

I leaned against the button that opens
all the cells again.

Here, honey.

I brought you another beer.

What happened to my buzz beer? You know,
I own buzz beer. I can't drink anything

but buzz beer.

Oh, I know. This was on sale.

I saved a dollar.

Listen, you don't know any better, so
I'll just tell you. You can't try to

money by not having the right beer.

You know, you can skip having medical
insurance, you can buy everything you

with a swap meet, but... The right beer
is what makes

living like this possible.

Wow, I can't believe it. She's like a
different woman.

Yeah, we only had one glitch so far, you
know, in the bedroom.

Ooh.

Groundhog wouldn't come out of the hole,
huh?

It doesn't live in a hole.

Although it is cute and it does predict
the weather.

Well, what was the problem?

I don't know. I just kept thinking about
all the money it was costing her. It

just freaked me out.

I can only guess how tough that must be.
That's never happened with Mimi and me.

So, she's never had a problem getting an
erection?

I didn't want you boys to get up from
your game, so I brought you your

and cheese.

Wow.

Wow, this looks great.

Here, hey.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Is this what it's supposed to taste
like?

Mmm.

Good.

You haven't even swallowed it yet.

Mmm. I'm just sucking all the flavor out
of it.

Excuse me.

It's okay. She's getting used to it.

Yesterday, I had a rubber throat to get
the fried bologna to go down.

Mmm.

I love my macaroni and cheese.

Well, there's... Do you know why?
There's other stuff we can eat. You

there's beefaroni, hot pocket, fucking
joes.

Oh, is your rash coming back?

I thought it went away after we left the
Kmart.

It did, but it came back after
Wienerschnitzel.

Don't worry, I'm fine. I'm just getting
used to all this.

I'll put a little cream on it and it'll
be gone by morning.

See, I told you the cream would work.

The rash is almost gone.

Oh.

You look great, honey.

So sweet.

Hey, listen, you know, you've been
cooking all week. Why don't we go out to

dessert tonight?

Really? Yeah, anywhere you want. We can
get French, Chinese, Greek, Italian.

We'll go to the food court, whatever
line is shortest.

Hey, guys.

Hey. Holy mother of God!

It's the rash, isn't it?

What rash?

Get your boys some beer.

No, no, hey.

It's okay, I'll get it. Why don't you
just go upstairs and put on your

gauze, and I'll call you when it's time
to go to bed.

Okay.

Whoa.

You know, I once caught a catfish, put
it in my trunk, and forgot about it all

summer. Let me open up the trunk again.
You know what it looked like?

Your girlfriend.

Shut up. She'll be fine.

You guys are missing the whole point.
She's doing this for me. It means she

really loves me. It sounds like you're
starting to fall for her, too.

Well, yeah, she looks more beautiful to
me every day.

We're talking about the thing that was
just in this room, right?

You're just jealous because I lucked
out.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to
go run a warm bath to soften up my

boils.

I must need a girlfriend because that
sounds so good.

Oh, no, it's on your back now, too?

Honey,

honey, are you crying?

No. For some reason, my sinuses are
draining out of my eyes.

Oh, Lindsay, you're so incredible.
You've been through so much this week.

Listen, I have a confession to make.

I really liked you from the very
beginning, but I was afraid to admit it.

I mean, let's face it, you're just out
of my league, but now I'm just going to

come right out and say it.

I've fallen in love with you, Lindsay.

Oh, my God.

I can't do this anymore.

Being poor is killing me.

No, no. Too late. I already said I love
you.

I thought I loved you, too.

And I thought I loved your life.

But I just kind of like you.

And I really hate your life.

I hate it, too.

We can hate it together.

Bye, Drew.

I wish I had something to remember you
by.

Excuse me, where's the new waiter? My

French toast is taking forever.

Come on.

What took you so long?

I was just making sure it was properly
heated, madam.

You know, you don't have to watch me eat
it. Oh, yes, I do.