Original subtitles

Hey.

Well, that's the last mousetrap. Yeah.

This doesn't get the little bastard I gotta admit.

He's smarter than we are. Yeah.

All right, you wanna get out of here? Sure.

After you.

That was close.

Hey, I think we should put a warning note on the door.

No, the less the mice know, the better.

No, for Drew.

Oh, don't worry about that. I'll come back early tomorrow morning and get rid

the body and all the trash before Drew comes home from vacation. Good.

You know, I feel bad.

Poor little guy never stood a chance. No.

I just got a message from Drew. He didn't go to Florida. He's home sick.

Oh, my God.

Oh,

screw that.

Hey, it's Drew. Please leave a very short message at the tone.

drew you there pick up the phone it's an emergency

Let's see what you've studied at the same rec center.

I want you to die, but I want you to die with honor.

think it was too hideous to be human. I was probably a beast from the hills.

Sir, I see in People magazine here that you're celebrating your 90th birthday by

having a three -day party on the coast of Spain.

Yeah, it's got to be better than last year.

Daddy rented out this island and there was this typhoon and all these little

native people washed up on the beach.

wouldn't have come and eaten them, I don't know what we would have done.

Yes, yes, well, I understand there'll be lots of famous supermodels and

celebrities at this party.

That's right.

Well, would you like me to be there so I can wrap you in a big towel when you

walk out of the sea glittering like a little sexy fish?

Mr. Wick, I'm your boss and I don't appreciate you talking to me like that.

Plus, You're like twice my age.

Well, perhaps, but you're not too old for me to take you over my knee.

Or vice versa.

Hey,

Drew. Hey. How was your vacation?

Sucked. I got the flu and I couldn't go anywhere. Then I stepped on a bunch of

mouth traps and I got mistaken for a lesbian in the grocery store.

It isn't fair.

I hardly ever come to work and all these great things just fall into my lap. And

you are like such a good, hard -working person and all these horrible things

happen to you.

What's up with that?

Hey, Drew.

Still mad about the mousetraps?

No. No, as a matter of fact, I got you some candy.

I don't think so.

Whoa. More for me.

It came for job recommendations.

Yeah, we saw an ad for airport security guards to work the night shift. Yeah,

and we need more money now that I'm a full -time student. We figured, why not

us? Why not you? Here, have some candy.

That's why not me.

Oh, come on, Drew. We really need the money. Plus, we'll get half off all our

air travel. Yeah, I want to see the people of the world and all their

diversity.

I don't care how weird they look. I want to laugh at their foolish customs,

their disgusting food, and their monkey chatter languages.

All right.

I envy you guys getting to travel the world.

I hope I can do something like that while I'm still young enough to get

Hey, Drew.

Yeah. How would you like to come to my birthday party in Europe?

Are you serious? The one with all the supermodels and stuff? Yeah.

You deserve it.

You're the only one who gave a damn about me when I was trying to learn how

run a store.

It's my way of saying thanks.

Wow. A supermodel party in Europe.

Maybe my looking like a lesbian is finally going to pay off.

All the metal items out of your pockets?

Yes, but I... a metal plate in my head take it out put it in the basket

you don't understand it's it's in my head oh so

it's imaginary it's screwed into his skull

person through with anything at all, and I mean anything suspicious about him,

the both of you are fired.

Got it?

Yes, ma 'am.

Okay, step through, please.

Oh, you want to step over here, son?

A little look at your backpack, shall we?

Baseball mitts.

Boy Scout handbook.

Bible.

too hard there, aren't you, Junior?

Let's see how much you love America after what they do to you downstairs.

Take him away!

Hey, Drew.

Hey. Getting packed for your big trip with the supermodels?

Yep.

Great, that's great. I put together a little care package for you, you know,

your trip. You know, something a guy like you might use for a wild weekend.

Viagra and a sexy grandpa T -shirt.

That's great. I'll send you a picture of me on the beach wearing the T -shirt

while I'm digging for clams with my erection.

Hey, Drew.

Look, I just got the new swimsuit issue.

And three of the women in here are going to be at this party of yours.

Wow. Man, they are so amazing.

Man, what are you going to say to them when you meet them? I don't know. I

really thought about talking to them. And my dreams are just kind of bouncing

and down on a trampoline.

For my 16th birthday, you got me a trampoline.

Something related.

Drew, these are some of the top models in the world.

You can't just show up at the party and stare at them.

I know. What was I thinking?

Maybe I shouldn't even go. I shouldn't have dreams about supermodels. I should

have regular dreams like...

Getting a smile from a bank teller or finding a restaurant that silters

milkshakes and those metal things where you get some extra milkshake.

Wait a minute.

You're a nobody.

That could be a good thing.

Hey, me.

Nobody knows who you are.

No one has to know you're a 40 -year -old middle manager.

Right. For one week, you can be anyone you want.

You could even make up an exotic name like Slade Sandstone. Yes.

Yeah, maybe I could tell everybody I own a foot -powered car dealership in

Bedrock.

Okay, well, how about Antoine Silver?

Nice.

Antoine Silver.

Yeah, I like that.

Let me try it out.

Uh, excuse me, I am Antoine Silver.

Can you call a doctor? I seem to have taken too much Viagra.

I'm sorry, ma 'am. If there's anything even slightly suspicious, we have to

check it out.

Okay. Could you step through the metal detector, please?

I don't get it. That's ten times in a row. There's not much more she could

off.

Your watch is setting it off.

What? Your watch is setting it off.

Damn it. We did all those cavity searches for nothing.

Maybe it was God's will. I mean, we did find a polyp in that guy.

Hey, what's going on?

Yes, sir.

What can I do for you? I've been in line for an hour and a half. My flight

leaves in ten minutes. You've got to let me through.

I'm sorry, sir. We can't give anybody any special treatment. You'll have to go

to the end of the line. I'm going to miss my flight.

Sir, please step to the end of the line.

Attention, Madrid passengers.

This is your final boarding call. Flight 418, service to Madrid.

That is my flight to Spain.

That's my one chance to have fun. You're not going to stop me.

Whoa, whoa.

How do we get to guns?

Take him downstairs.

What? Hey, Oswald and Lewis, can't you talk to them?

They give you a cavity search. Ask for Lyle. He's got small hands.

The champagne is flowing, and the swimsuits are skimpy. A millionaire,

socialite, Milan Mercer's birthday badge at the coast of Spain.

It's girls.

girls, and not a man in sight.

Oh, my God, they're all so beautiful.

I have to try.

There's no place like Spain.

There's no place like Spain.

So, how we doing in here?

What the hell is going on? I've been here for ten hours.

Well, we're a little backed up.

A lot of pick -me -works fell out.

I ain't gonna lie, we forgot about you.

Thanks. Great. Can I go now?

Is this your luggage, Mr. Carey? Yes, it's my luggage. I recognize it. It's

zippers. Well, why do these tags say Antoine Silver?

I'm not going to open this up and find poor Mr. Silver, am I?

My stupid brother must have put it on there. I'm Drew Carey. Just check my

passport. It says right on there, Drew Carey. D -A -R -E -Y.

Uh -huh.

My, my, my, my, my, my.

What's that? What do you got?

Your rap sheet.

You've been in a mental institution, accused of bigamy, arrested for guns,

drugs, running an illegal brewery in your garage, dancing naked in public.

amazing you have time to fly, Mr. Care.

How many times do I have to tell you? I'm not Drew Carey. I'm Antoine Silver.

Well, whoever you are, you won't be taking a plane today.

Security, escort this man.

Outside of the airport, please.

Well, please, this is so out of control. If you just give me 30 seconds to state

my case.

And then, if you don't think I should fly, I'll totally understand.

All right.

Okay. Now, first of all...

I'm

not going to get a dinner break, so I got you this.

Oh, thanks, man.

Um... Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to open up that computer for me. Turn it

on.

Ooh, nice screen.

I bet that cost you a pretty penny.

Okay, sir, you're all set.

Oh, and you better watch out. There's a computer virus going around that fills

your computer with beans.

Kate, Kate, I'm over here.

Right here.

I see you got the stroller.

Joel, are you sure you want to do this? If they catch you again, you're going to

get in trouble.

No, don't worry. It's a good plan. Now, look, there's a supervisor right over

there. All you have to do is distract her so she can't see me, and I'll take

care of Oswald and Lewis.

This is very exciting. It's like sleeping with one of your dad's best

and talking to his wife at a party.

Junior high was a confusing time for a lot of kids.

Excuse me, ma 'am.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to check your stroller.

Oh, of course.

You realize there's no baby in here?

What? Oh, my.

What does he look like?

He's a baby. What?

What was he wearing?

Um, a red suit.

A red suit? Yeah.

A red suit. That's not implausible. I've seen plenty of babies wearing red

suits. Bye, my baby.

True,

what are you doing here?

I have a ticket for the last flight to Spain today. You are not going to stop

this time.

Drew, Drew, do you see those cameras? They're watching everything we do.

If we let you in, we'll get arrested.

Yeah, and if I get arrested, I'm going to get thrown out of nursing school.

And I'll get fired from Drug Co. and end up homeless and depressed until some

kid set me on fire in a bus station bathroom.

I need to tell you this, but a lot of people think that's going to happen to

anyway.

All right, look.

Just give me 30 seconds to state my case. 30 seconds.

And then, if you don't think I should fly, I'll understand.

Okay.

All right.

First.

That was such a nice thing you did, pretending to fall for the oldest trick

the book.

Yeah,

that's the kind of guys we are.

Good news, ma 'am. I found your baby.

Yeah, that isn't my baby.

My baby's huge and has yellow eyes and an anteater nose and scissor hands.

Let's see you try to find one of those.

Oh, don't worry about Speedy. I already fed him.

So did I.

So did I.

Well, I just fed Speedy.

I think he really misses Drew. I had to force him to eat.

You know, maybe he needs to go out. You should take him for a walk.

That's a good idea. Take a magazine. He could be a while.

Hey, look, they're doing another report on Milan's birthday party.

Milan, Milan, Milan.

Are you enjoying your birthday party? Are you getting everything that you

for?

Well, Suzanne, it's not about the present.

I had everybody make a donation to the Milan Mercer Foundation.

Oh, that's fabulous. And what kind of work do they do?

We buy books for underprivileged children, but mostly they make it so I

have to pay my taxes.

Isn't this he, Drew?

Maybe he's in the hot tub.

No, it's just girls.

Maybe he's underwater having a look -see. That's what I'd be doing.

Hello?

Yeah, I'm playing at mechanical problems, but it's okay. They're fixing

it's frozen to the tarmac.

Oh, my God. How long are you going to be there?

They said about two or three days.

But that'll mean you'll miss the party.

I know.

I know. But on the bright side, I get to try reindeer.

I'll be out in a minute.

Hey, come on in. Can't let you freeze out there.

It should be a gun.

I don't know what you're saying, but I like the way your lips move. Hey, hey.

I'll call you back. I think my look's about to change.

These headlights are coming at us awful fast.

For the third time since the airing of his episode that mocked airport

TV funnyman Drew Carey has been arrested at an airport security station.

Do you think there's any connection between the two things, Mr. Carey? Oh,

you think?

Hey, you know, I didn't want to be in that episode. You saw me. I was on

autopilot the whole time.

Will this affect your decision to do the episode mocking the IRS?

Hell no!

No! I don't like the IRS!