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Hey, everybody.
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It's a woman. Have you heard?
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It's a woman.
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It's a woman.
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Not from where I'm standing.
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Shut your ham hole.
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I'm talking about the new store
president.
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I just heard that Lord Mercer hired a
woman.
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Finally, somebody in management who
won't feel threatened by me.
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Good afternoon, everybody. Good
afternoon, Lord Mercer.
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Joy to the store. Lord Mercer has come.
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He has a name.
13
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Thank you, thank you.
14
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Yes, music is a wonderful thing, so
please stop doing that to it.
15
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Now, come here, sweetheart.
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I'd like you all to meet my daughter,
Milan.
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Hi, everyone.
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Hi, I'm Drew Carey. Welcome to
Cleveland.
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I notice you don't have an English
accent like your father. Well, I went to
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boarding school in Connecticut.
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An all -girls school.
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Don't talk to your father like that.
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He's rich. Your job is to smile and hold
on till he's dead.
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Hello, Milan. What a charming young girl
you are. Lovely eyes, just like your
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father. Not that I'm attracted to your
father.
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Not that your father isn't worthy of my
attraction.
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I mean, if he made the first move, who
knows what might happen.
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Gary, give him a kiss. Take the heat off
me.
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Daddy, we've been here for like an hour.
Can we go now?
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It's my birthday and he's got some big
surprise for me.
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Actually, Milan, this is your surprise
birthday present.
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Wedding. This door and everything in it.
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A department store in Cleveland?
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Couldn't you find something uglier?
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Wow, somebody needs a trip to Youngstown
for some perspective.
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Now, Milan, I'm only doing this to teach
you about responsibility. After all,
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you've been booted out of Oxford, Yale,
and the Fontan Institute at the
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University of Daytona Beach.
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She's the new president.
40
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Yes. I see.
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Well, what an honor it will be to have a
leader unburdened by the twin horrors
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of knowledge and experience.
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Well done. Thank you.
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Welcome to the store, sister. If you
need anything, just call and I'll come
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running.
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Daddy, why is my birthday clown talking
to me like that?
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I know this isn't exactly what you
wanted, so I'll give you a choice.
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can run this store, or you won't touch a
penny of your trust fund until you're
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30. I hate you.
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I am going to be the worst president
this store has ever seen. And you know
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else is going to hate you? All these
people. Because I am going to make their
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lives miserable, too.
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Enjoy these years. You'll never have
them again.
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00:03:00,531 --> 00:03:05,599
Hang on to that sense of humor, Carrie.
You'll need it. I'm placing her in your
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charge.
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00:03:07,300 --> 00:03:09,650
What? You mean you're promoting me above
her?
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Good Lord, no.
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She's still your boss. I'd just like you
to guide her, you know, show her the
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ropes and give her some advice, that
sort of thing.
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00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:22,279
Oh, and by the way, if you fail, you'll
be out of that co -manager's office and
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back in this shabby little cubicle.
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Good luck.
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It's such a crude attitude.
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It's back where it belongs.
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Where? All the little chicks with the
crimson lips go Cleveland Rock,
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Rock. Living in sin with a safety pin
gone. Cleveland Rock, Cleveland
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Rock, Cleveland Rock.
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Ohio!
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What the hell was Belon? Look.
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I gotta get down to that meeting with
the union rep so she shows up what you
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said right over. You really think a
teenager can handle a union negotiation?
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It beats me. I tried to teach her about
this stuff yesterday. I don't know how
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much of it sunk in.
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She real airhead, huh?
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No, we were at the mall and security
guards kept hassling me.
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Apparently, if someone like me follows
someone like her showing a bunch of
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photos, it fits some kind of profile.
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Is our new teen president still missing,
then? Yep.
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Well, perhaps Archie's jalopy broke
down.
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Hey, guys. Am I late?
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00:04:47,460 --> 00:04:52,359
No, no, no. 11 .49. That's usually when
America rolls up its sleeves and gets
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down to business.
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Whatever.
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00:04:55,711 --> 00:04:58,159
I think we should get down to the
loading dock, huh?
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I'll show you the way.
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00:04:59,300 --> 00:05:02,500
I used to spend a lot of time down there
before I got married.
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Why? Big guys show an ass crack.
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00:05:07,470 --> 00:05:10,570
Sometimes I can't sleep at night just
for thinking about it.
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The fact that we don't have a new
contract already shows disrespect.
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If this Mercer girl's in here in five
minutes, negotiations are off.
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Okay, fine.
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Five minutes.
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Hey!
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That one of those new boom boxes,
that's... lucky.
95
00:05:31,231 --> 00:05:34,349
You know, we had a whole shipment of
those stolen. We don't even know who
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00:05:34,350 --> 00:05:35,400
them. It's been...
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Yeah, you're lucky,
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lucky guys.
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Sorry we're late. Hey, Stan.
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Hey, boys.
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Easy now. I'm married.
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Well, shall we get down to business?
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Yes, let's. I can take it from here.
104
00:06:00,750 --> 00:06:06,019
So... I looked over your contract
proposal, and every item seems doable
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for items 17 through 20.
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Those would just be too expensive.
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All right, Gidget. Maybe, maybe there's
some room to move on 17.
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But we're not budging on the others.
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You know, you may think that I look like
some dumb teenage girl, but I represent
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Mercer Industries, and I suggest that
you treat me with the same respect that
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you would treat my father or any... Oh,
my God, George!
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Sorry. Everybody, I'd like you to meet
the best kisser in the world.
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What's up?
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I heard about you. Hi, I'm Drew.
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Nick, Stan, Joe, this is D 'Artagnan.
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I ain't gonna call you that. Pick
something else.
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Wait for you upstairs.
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No, no, no. I haven't seen you in two
weeks. Get down.
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So, um, let's just continue with the
negotiation.
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Fine. Let's start with item 18.
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Uh, the guys need a new break room. The
one we have now is totally unacceptable.
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Well, can you be more specific?
123
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Yeah, well, we need, uh... Air
conditioning.
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We need, uh, a new refrigerator and
maybe a TV with color.
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00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:30,570
Yeah, I think air conditioning would
be...
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It'd be great for those days when it's
hot.
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Sticky.
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Sticky. Oh, air conditioning would be
fine.
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It really weakens our position when you
have your hands down his pants.
130
00:07:58,280 --> 00:08:02,660
No, it weakens my position as a
negotiator when you undercut my
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00:08:03,950 --> 00:08:05,470
I ache for you, baby.
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You're so unprofessional.
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I'm leaving.
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00:08:12,190 --> 00:08:15,310
If you need me, I'll be outside sitting
in the snow.
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I couldn't believe it. She was hissing
his neck and rubbing her hands all over
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his chest and slowly working her way
down to his neck.
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How old is this girl again?
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19.
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Oh.
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I like the story again, Uncle Drew.
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00:08:43,081 --> 00:08:47,639
So what happened with the rest of the
union negotiations?
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Yeah. Well, her and her boyfriend got so
hot and bothered, they just walked out
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in the middle of everything.
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Sorry about your problems with your
rich, beautiful boss, Drew.
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I would have written you a sympathy card
at Drug Co. if I hadn't spent the day
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00:09:00,860 --> 00:09:02,480
mopping up elephant after birth.
147
00:09:04,930 --> 00:09:05,980
That's disgusting.
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00:09:05,981 --> 00:09:09,349
That's so typical. You want your shampoo
and your conditioner in one, but you
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00:09:09,350 --> 00:09:10,910
don't want to know how they do it.
150
00:09:16,390 --> 00:09:20,429
I got your message. I'm sorry about the
negotiations, but, I mean, she's a young
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00:09:20,430 --> 00:09:23,509
girl in love. Why are you calling me for
help? Well, I was hoping you could help
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her get her priorities straight. You
know, you're a career woman yourself.
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00:09:26,610 --> 00:09:29,549
You're doing really well. You could be a
good role model for her.
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Really? You think?
155
00:09:30,601 --> 00:09:33,229
Yeah, and don't forget to tell her about
that 20 years she spent drunk wedged
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between a mattress and a stranger.
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00:09:37,930 --> 00:09:39,610
Hey, you wanted to see me?
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00:09:39,611 --> 00:09:42,929
Hi, Milan. These are my friends, Oswald,
Louis, my brother Steve. This is Kate.
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00:09:42,930 --> 00:09:44,490
This is everybody. This is Milan.
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00:09:44,491 --> 00:09:50,409
Kate wanted to talk to you. She's an
executive at the Rock and Roll Hall of
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00:09:50,410 --> 00:09:52,950
Fame. That's cool. Yeah, let's go over
here. Okay.
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00:09:55,530 --> 00:10:00,050
So, Milan, Drew tells me you're having
some problems focusing at work.
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00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:05,239
Like me, you're a female executive in a
man's world, and it's very important to
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00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:09,019
keep your professional life separate
from your personal life. I mean, I heard
165
00:10:09,020 --> 00:10:13,520
about that meeting, and trust me,
there's no man worth tanking your career
166
00:10:13,740 --> 00:10:14,860
Okay, I'll forget.
167
00:10:24,460 --> 00:10:30,339
He's not just any man. I mean, I love...
I love him, and he loves me, and we're
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00:10:30,340 --> 00:10:31,780
going to be together forever.
169
00:10:33,280 --> 00:10:37,840
Oh, my God, you really believe that?
170
00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:43,739
You don't understand. I mean, he's so
sweet and sensitive, and he does this
171
00:10:43,740 --> 00:10:48,699
amazing thing with his eyes, and he
stares at you, and it just melts you,
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00:10:48,700 --> 00:10:52,179
there's nothing you can do about it. You
don't have to stop. I'm going to bruise
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a rib.
174
00:10:55,080 --> 00:10:56,160
Okay, look.
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00:10:56,840 --> 00:11:00,879
If you focus on your job and you do
really well, he's going to respect you
176
00:11:00,880 --> 00:11:02,560
more than he does now. Wow.
177
00:11:03,300 --> 00:11:05,260
You're so old and wise.
178
00:11:07,100 --> 00:11:08,150
Like Yoda.
179
00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:13,520
Aren't you cute?
180
00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:15,460
That hurt.
181
00:11:17,320 --> 00:11:18,370
Yes, it does.
182
00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:24,850
Hey, uh, Milan, I was just up on the
second floor and there's...
183
00:11:25,530 --> 00:11:26,610
There's nobody there.
184
00:11:27,610 --> 00:11:29,730
I know. I fired them all.
185
00:11:30,170 --> 00:11:32,650
Why? Well, because they were stuck up.
186
00:11:33,870 --> 00:11:36,250
I mean, I'm store president.
187
00:11:36,530 --> 00:11:42,909
People should come up to me and be like,
hi, Milan, or great shoes, Milan, or
188
00:11:42,910 --> 00:11:47,589
how's your boyfriend, Milan? And I'd
say, oh, great. That's great. Thanks for
189
00:11:47,590 --> 00:11:50,150
asking because D 'Artagnan dumped me.
190
00:11:51,650 --> 00:11:52,700
Oh.
191
00:11:52,701 --> 00:11:55,069
Well, it's okay. You know, there's
other...
192
00:11:55,070 --> 00:11:56,810
She dies with goofy names out there.
193
00:11:56,811 --> 00:12:01,429
No, no, none of this would have ever
happened if you didn't make me talk to
194
00:12:01,430 --> 00:12:02,480
stupid friend, Kate.
195
00:12:03,690 --> 00:12:06,050
I'm sorry, Drew, but you've got to be
punished.
196
00:12:10,570 --> 00:12:13,210
Wow. Am I having a good day or a bad
day?
197
00:12:21,631 --> 00:12:27,219
So she busted you down to the loading
dock, huh, Carrie?
198
00:12:27,220 --> 00:12:28,270
Yeah.
199
00:12:28,720 --> 00:12:30,890
If you have any questions, just let me
know.
200
00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:33,400
I got one.
201
00:12:34,180 --> 00:12:37,790
If you hear a riffing sound like Velcro
and it tastes blood, is that bad?
202
00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:43,180
Morning, Red, Dutch, Chopper, Fat Tony.
203
00:12:45,180 --> 00:12:47,960
Actually, it's Joe, Nick, Andy, Larry.
204
00:12:47,961 --> 00:12:49,579
Yes, does it really matter?
205
00:12:49,580 --> 00:12:50,630
Carrie!
206
00:12:51,740 --> 00:12:53,080
Do something about Milan.
207
00:12:53,081 --> 00:12:56,249
She's depressed about her boyfriend, and
she's making horrible, horrible
208
00:12:56,250 --> 00:12:57,870
decisions. Oh, that's just great.
209
00:12:57,871 --> 00:13:01,049
You know, Mercer's going to be checking
up on us tomorrow. He's going to blame
210
00:13:01,050 --> 00:13:02,130
me for this whole mess.
211
00:13:02,790 --> 00:13:05,570
We have to get her mind off this d
'Artagnan fellow.
212
00:13:06,070 --> 00:13:07,170
And I have an idea.
213
00:13:07,930 --> 00:13:11,730
All I need to do is get my hands on
another sexy young man.
214
00:13:14,050 --> 00:13:15,430
I'm sorry, I can't hear you.
215
00:13:17,170 --> 00:13:18,390
I said...
216
00:13:18,700 --> 00:13:22,940
I need to get my hands on a sexy young
man. Oh, I see what you're doing.
217
00:13:24,371 --> 00:13:31,779
Miss Mercer just called down for you. It
seems she's bored, so she'd like you
218
00:13:31,780 --> 00:13:34,130
and her chauffeur to oil up and Indian
wrestle.
219
00:13:37,920 --> 00:13:39,660
Don't start a chance. He's an Indian.
220
00:13:40,900 --> 00:13:43,310
Damn it, one of these days she'll push
me too far.
221
00:13:43,660 --> 00:13:47,949
You know what I'm going to do? I'm going
to weep. Yes, that's right. I'm going
222
00:13:47,950 --> 00:13:51,190
to curl up into the fetal position and
weep like a little baby.
223
00:13:56,170 --> 00:14:00,890
Oh, you poor thing.
224
00:14:01,150 --> 00:14:03,990
Milan actually busted you down to the
loading dock.
225
00:14:03,991 --> 00:14:06,589
You know what? I'm going to go tell her
it was all my fault.
226
00:14:06,590 --> 00:14:07,670
No, I got a better idea.
227
00:14:07,930 --> 00:14:12,149
You go see D 'Artagnan yourself, tell
him it was all your fault, and then
228
00:14:12,150 --> 00:14:13,029
he'll go back to Milan.
229
00:14:13,030 --> 00:14:13,969
Good idea.
230
00:14:13,970 --> 00:14:15,020
Hey, check it out.
231
00:14:15,070 --> 00:14:18,140
I'm wearing special underpants to make
my crack look bigger.
232
00:14:26,370 --> 00:14:27,420
Enter Muse.
233
00:14:29,590 --> 00:14:31,330
Hi, D 'Artagnan.
234
00:14:32,010 --> 00:14:35,929
I'm Kate O 'Brien. I'm a friend of
Milan's and I just wanted to talk to you
235
00:14:35,930 --> 00:14:39,870
about her. See, this is all my fault. I
told her not to focus on you so much.
236
00:14:40,050 --> 00:14:41,100
Oh, well, thank you.
237
00:14:41,290 --> 00:14:43,870
You see, I'm well rid of that child.
238
00:14:45,199 --> 00:14:46,960
Now, I seek a woman.
239
00:14:49,020 --> 00:14:53,780
Oh, yeah. Well, you know, the thing is
that... Did you paint that?
240
00:14:54,760 --> 00:14:55,810
Guilty.
241
00:14:56,580 --> 00:14:57,630
It's beautiful.
242
00:14:57,720 --> 00:14:58,770
No, it's not.
243
00:14:58,771 --> 00:15:03,639
It's obvious. It's easy. It's dishonest.
And the world would be a better place
244
00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:04,780
without all of its lies.
245
00:15:06,060 --> 00:15:07,160
Stop mocking me!
246
00:15:11,630 --> 00:15:15,310
you're upset about in the law. I mean,
she loves you. You should go back to
247
00:15:15,570 --> 00:15:20,109
No, no, no. She belongs with somebody
her own age. And I, I too belong with
248
00:15:20,110 --> 00:15:21,160
someone my own age.
249
00:15:21,870 --> 00:15:22,920
Someone like you.
250
00:15:24,450 --> 00:15:26,010
How old are you? 28.
251
00:15:26,810 --> 00:15:27,860
You're good.
252
00:15:30,770 --> 00:15:31,820
Yes.
253
00:15:32,750 --> 00:15:33,800
Yes. Yes.
254
00:15:34,670 --> 00:15:37,090
I must paint you.
255
00:15:37,810 --> 00:15:40,220
I must paint you, Kate O 'Brien. I'm
painting you.
256
00:15:40,560 --> 00:15:44,470
Look at you, you're so beautiful. I must
capture that beauty like a little bird.
257
00:15:45,860 --> 00:15:50,100
Wow, no one's ever wanted to paint me
before. I mean, once I caught a
258
00:15:50,180 --> 00:15:54,519
you know, snapping pictures of me in the
shower, but... It wasn't nearly as
259
00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:55,570
flattering.
260
00:15:55,940 --> 00:15:56,990
Sit right here.
261
00:15:57,300 --> 00:16:00,840
You know what? I mean, I think I should
go. No, no, no, no, no, no.
262
00:16:01,280 --> 00:16:02,330
Please.
263
00:16:03,420 --> 00:16:04,470
Stay.
264
00:16:10,860 --> 00:16:12,180
I've heard about that look.
265
00:16:12,951 --> 00:16:17,239
Things any better in the loading dock,
Drew?
266
00:16:17,240 --> 00:16:19,319
Yeah, I think I'm finally getting the
hang of it.
267
00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:20,370
Really?
268
00:16:20,780 --> 00:16:23,070
Hey, Drew, could you pass me those
pretzels?
269
00:16:24,900 --> 00:16:25,950
Sure.
270
00:16:37,820 --> 00:16:40,650
Everybody, raise your hands if you're
proud of America.
271
00:16:48,021 --> 00:16:49,669
Hey, Kate.
272
00:16:49,670 --> 00:16:51,290
How'd you talk with Arcadian go?
273
00:16:52,430 --> 00:16:54,590
I'm sorry, Drew. It just happened.
274
00:16:54,591 --> 00:16:58,389
He said he was never going back to
Milan. He painted my portrait, and then
275
00:16:58,390 --> 00:16:59,530
gave me that look of his.
276
00:16:59,531 --> 00:17:03,929
Anyway, we ended up naked in a bathtub,
and I thought, how refreshing, a guy who
277
00:17:03,930 --> 00:17:04,990
just wants to wash me.
278
00:17:06,410 --> 00:17:08,109
But it didn't end there.
279
00:17:09,109 --> 00:17:11,450
Bastard. I've fallen for that one, too.
280
00:17:11,451 --> 00:17:17,709
Damn it, Kate. If he doesn't get back
with Milan, I'll never get off the
281
00:17:17,710 --> 00:17:19,500
dock. Why'd you do it, Kate?
282
00:17:25,339 --> 00:17:26,389
Hey, guys.
283
00:17:30,220 --> 00:17:32,300
Hey, it's... Look, it's Milan.
284
00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:33,900
I see her, Drew.
285
00:17:35,080 --> 00:17:38,320
So don't worry, Kate. I'm not mad about
your stupid advice.
286
00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:40,800
And I'm not mad at you either, Drew.
287
00:17:41,180 --> 00:17:43,760
I'm promoting you back to co -manager
again.
288
00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:46,180
Oh, that's great. Oh, that's great.
289
00:17:46,181 --> 00:17:50,049
This would be clack, clack, clack part
of the roller coaster right before the
290
00:17:50,050 --> 00:17:51,100
screaming starts.
291
00:17:52,030 --> 00:17:56,469
I was thinking, you know, D 'Artagnan
and I had something really special, and
292
00:17:56,470 --> 00:18:00,270
it's only a matter of time before he
realizes that and comes back to me.
293
00:18:00,470 --> 00:18:03,600
Sure. Care to make a wager on that?
Let's say a million dollars?
294
00:18:06,430 --> 00:18:11,689
Milan, you are so young, and there are
so many guys out there, and you're so
295
00:18:11,690 --> 00:18:12,740
pretty.
296
00:18:13,090 --> 00:18:16,580
I'm just saying, don't put all your eggs
in one basket. Bathtub?
297
00:18:20,340 --> 00:18:21,400
Did I say bathtub?
298
00:18:21,660 --> 00:18:24,130
Oh, no. I meant don't put all your sex
in one basket.
299
00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:28,690
Oh, that's me.
300
00:18:30,060 --> 00:18:31,110
Hello?
301
00:18:31,720 --> 00:18:32,940
It's D 'Artagnan.
302
00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:37,410
Hi.
303
00:18:41,540 --> 00:18:45,150
What? I've been calling you all day.
What took you so long to call me back?
304
00:18:47,690 --> 00:18:48,740
You did what?
305
00:18:50,550 --> 00:18:51,750
With whom?
306
00:18:53,610 --> 00:18:54,660
You!
307
00:18:57,070 --> 00:19:00,430
Go to hell, D 'Artagnan!
308
00:19:01,610 --> 00:19:04,730
Well, I hope you're all happy.
309
00:19:05,250 --> 00:19:08,150
You people have ruined my life!
310
00:19:12,970 --> 00:19:14,910
I'm really sorry, Drew.
311
00:19:16,300 --> 00:19:18,420
Would it help if I talked to Lord
Mercer?
312
00:19:19,500 --> 00:19:20,660
My instincts say no.
313
00:19:22,151 --> 00:19:27,999
Hey, have you seen Milan? She's supposed
to be here an hour ago.
314
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:31,190
I haven't seen her. Have you tried the
junior bitch department?
315
00:19:31,191 --> 00:19:33,959
She's not at home. She's not at work.
Where the hell is she?
316
00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:35,280
Let me give you some advice.
317
00:19:35,460 --> 00:19:36,510
You're ugly.
318
00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:39,360
That's not advice.
319
00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:43,930
I know, but you would have tuned me out
if I started with, here comes an insult.
320
00:19:46,421 --> 00:19:48,509
How goes the store?
321
00:19:48,510 --> 00:19:49,590
Oh, fantastic.
322
00:19:49,591 --> 00:19:52,589
I love your daughter. She's great. She's
wonderful.
323
00:19:52,590 --> 00:19:55,490
Yes. If I were sure she was mine, I'd be
flattered.
324
00:19:56,230 --> 00:19:57,280
Where is she?
325
00:19:59,810 --> 00:20:01,650
Jesus. Oh, my God.
326
00:20:03,790 --> 00:20:05,270
Oh, my God.
327
00:20:05,510 --> 00:20:07,130
She's in the ladies' room.
328
00:20:19,590 --> 00:20:21,880
All we're asking is that you teach us
the look.
329
00:20:21,930 --> 00:20:22,980
Yeah.
330
00:20:23,330 --> 00:20:24,380
Let's go like this.
331
00:20:29,510 --> 00:20:30,870
Okay, okay, got it.
332
00:20:31,070 --> 00:20:32,120
Thanks.
333
00:20:35,190 --> 00:20:36,240
Hello, ladies.
334
00:20:40,070 --> 00:20:46,989
I don't know
335
00:20:46,990 --> 00:20:48,970
why, guys, but these beers are on me.
336
00:20:48,971 --> 00:20:50,399
Oh, goodness.
337
00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:54,950
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