Original subtitles

Great way to spend a Friday night, huh, buddy?

Look at the stars, my best dog, eating grilled cheese sandwiches.

Maybe later on, hanging myself in the bathroom.

Hey, bro.

Hey, man.

Hey, wow.

You got the new telescope.

Yeah, I'm looking at the rings of Saturn right now.

You ever wonder whether there was an equally sad and lonely person up there,

Saturn, staring back at you?

No.

But it has occurred to me that you're the only one of us that has to rub

sunscreen on his head.

Where is everybody?

They're all working.

On a Friday night?

That's what I said. It's like I never see them anymore.

Well, that's because they're busy.

Kate's always working at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and Oswald's got this

nursing thing, and Lewis... You know, Lewis should be here.

Doesn't matter.

More grilled cheese for us, huh?

Oh, I can't stay, bro.

Mimi got us front row seats to the Lion King tonight.

You don't want to go see that with her.

Whole time she'll be yelling out, that's not how you take down a gazelle.

Drew, I am going to the theater with my wife.

And if you wonder why your friends don't show up, maybe you should stop looking

out there and start looking in here.

All right, hold on.

I'm going to grab this scope and shove it up inside there.

See you, Bill.

Just you and me, huh, buddy?

Man's best friend?

Hey.

You love me, don't you?

Is this pathetic?

What?

What's the matter, boy?

Hey, hey! Hey, get away from there! Get out of my sandwiches, man!

Hey, it's just sandwiches. Let's be cool, man.

Boy, I'm telling you, there was a time when a man could eat cheese sandwiches

his backyard without even a gate locked. Well, not anymore!

No, his nose is just a little bit bigger.

Yeah, that's... Are you sure?

That face is going to haunt me the rest of my days.

You better call HQ.

Rusty's back in town.

Rusty? Yeah.

All us guys down at the pound have been on his trail for years.

Hey, listen, uh, I know you're the professionals, but, uh, have you tried

dressing like a cat?

I'm having a costume made.

In the meantime, be careful. He's a bad dog.

He's a bad, bad dog.

Hey, before you go, can I ask you a question?

My friends were supposed to come over, but they couldn't make it. You want to

in the backyard with me and have some grilled cheese sandwiches?

Thanks,

but I'm not gay.

I'm not gay either. I just wanted something to hang out with.

Oh. Well, actually, I am gay.

Your feelings.

All this energy calling me.

Back where it comes from.

It's such a crew.

So you're going to lunch with your buddies, eh?

Yeah. I bet you're really looking forward to it. I know you haven't seen

much of them lately.

Where are you going?

El Tango, that new Mexican restaurant.

Oh, I heard that place is wonderful.

Have a good time.

They canceled on me, didn't they?

Yep.

They didn't.

They've been doing that to me all the time lately.

Mimi, about this manpower report, I have a question about page three.

Oh, this paragraph here?

No, no, the one above it, the one covered in blood and fur.

Oh, I'm sorry, I had that in my trunk with three dead rabbits.

Oh, I keep a bottle of water and a couple of balance bars in my trunk in

case of an emergency, but each to his own.

Look, I've always dreamed of having a fur coat, but I hate that they kill

innocent animals.

And then I realized there's all this beautiful unused fur going to waste

our nation's highways.

And I thought, well, why not a roadkill fur coat?

Whee, doggie Ellie Mae, that sounds right purty.

At least I only wear roadkill. You've eaten it.

No, I haven't.

Oh, yes, you have.

Oh, well, time for lunch.

I don't have any lunch. My friend's cancelled on me.

Well, I've got an idea. Why don't you sit down? We'll have lunch together.

Okay.

Now, look.

I'll be leaving early tonight.

I'm going out to the country with my telescope.

Comet Moonson's closer than it's been since 1894.

8 .78 astronomical units. I didn't know you were a scopey.

Scobie sounds so silly.

I prefer Telly Boy.

I have an Astro Light 7000 with auto track.

Kind of equipment he's sporting.

I have an 11 -inch Cosmotron.

11 -inch Cosmotron? I've never even seen one that big. Are you measuring that

from the base?

You know, there's a great big storm in Jupiter next week. Maybe we could take

scope out and have a look at it. All right, that sounds great.

Excellent. And maybe we could go and look at the moon one night this week.

And maybe we should have matching jackets that say Stargazer 1 and

Oh, and as best friends, we should have nicknames. Oh, I know, I know. You'll be

D -Bomb and I'll be The Nige. And everyone will be all like, oh, look,

comes D -Bomb and The Nige. And we'll be all like, oh, take a picture and we'll

laugh.

When I say telescopes, I meant bicycles.

I meant a bicycle.

A bicycle. I love bicycles.

Please tell me you're not

on your break.

I'm saving this guy for open heart surgery.

What are you doing here, Drew? In the neighborhood, thought I'd stop and say

Drew, this is not some clubhouse where you can just drop by and say hi.

This is a hospital where professionals are doing furious work.

I'm sorry.

Ah, what the heck?

You want to help me shave a fat guy?

Would I?

Okay, you take that side, I'll take this side, and we'll meet in the middle.

Did you sleep?

Yeah, they gave him anesthetic early because he was such a nervous wreck.

So if this was a cute college cheerleader, would you get to shave her

Well, if she had a hairy chest and a heart problem, I hardly think she'd be a

cheerleader.

It seems like forever since I've seen you guys. Yeah, it's been a week.

Yeah, it seems like longer.

Well, we've been busy.

Yeah.

Just like Lewick. I went to see him at Drug Co.

He wouldn't see me either. You know what he's doing?

Huh? He's hitting a monkey to ping the good ship Lollipop.

Apparently the company's talent show is a lot more competitive this year.

What's this?

Spongy. It's the tip of his belly button.

Oh, you better get out of here.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get you any trouble. It's too late for that. Just

go.

What are you going to do?

What are you doing?

Is that fun?

It's okay. The flavor's gone.

develop sense of smell that... But we have the bomb!

Well, Drew, what do you need me for that's so urgent?

I'll tell you when Lewis Oswald and Steve get here.

No, I've got to get to work. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame's having a party.

Hey, Drew, what's going on? Yeah, we got here as soon as we could. Yeah.

Well, someone is trying to take over the world.

And it could be you.

You called us over here to play Risk?

Or you.

I don't believe this. You tricked us to get us to hang out with you?

Yeah, well, it seems like we're drifting apart.

That's the risk I don't want to take, huh?

Goodbye, Drew. Yeah, bye.

Bye. I'm tired of being the guy who's always holding things together.

Drew,

there's a pack of wild dogs outside. They tried to attack us.

Well, it's no big deal. We'll just go out the back door. All right.

Drew, what the hell is going on?

Drew, do you have any idea why those dogs are so mad at you?

Uh, no.

So you're saying these dogs are out for revenge?

Yeah.

and it started over a cheese sandwich.

That's for crying out loud. They're dogs.

They can't plot revenge.

Wow, that's weird. The phone line's dead.

Oh, my God.

He actually bit through your wire.

I can't believe these hooligans. In my day, a dog would never cut through your

wires.

They're just not raised right.

Puppies having puppies, that's what this is all about.

You know, I've got to get out of here. Does anyone have a cell phone?

Oh, mine's in the car.

I've got one, but it doesn't get great reception because it's full of candy.

I've got one, but I locked it with a secret code and I can't remember what it

is.

Don't worry, I'll figure it out.

1111. Hello?

1111. 1112, hello.

1113, hello.

Oh, wait a minute, it's in my wallet.

It's 1115.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, they're attacking that little dog.

They left the little guy, and he looks hurt.

We've got to help him. Let him in. Yeah.

Oh, poor little fella.

Oh, he's trying to walk it off, tough little guy.

Oh, look. He thinks he's people.

He must be better. He can almost reach the doorknob.

They do kill us. At least we won't have to tell anybody we were outsmarted by

dogs.

Listen, the barking stopped.

Do you think they ran out?

I'm going to go take a look.

Isn't this weird?

Remember in third grade that gypsy woman told me that I was going to die of

being ripped apart by wild dogs in my own house?

They're tearing into my food, sniffing each other's butts, and they're crapping

all over the place.

Woo, there ain't no party like a dog party.

Oh, great.

We're never going to get out of here.

No, someone's going to come for us eventually.

Oh, nobody's going to come for us, you fools.

Don't you see this is happening right now all over the world?

This is no isolated incident. The day of the human is over.

We're now living on the planet of the dogs.

Fine. I think we'll walk behind us and pick up our crap for a while.

Hey, they're not in the kitchen.

Maybe they've left.

I'm going to find out.

Hey, it could be a trap.

Are you crazy?

Hey, you wait to see what I'm going to do, then decide if you want to call me

crazy.

Oh, look, a nickel.

face it. It was a flawed plan.

Idiot.

I would have been outside if you hadn't have yelled. What? No.

Why are you guys yelling at each other? It's all Drew's fault. My fault?

Yeah, you're so selfish.

You just had to see us tonight.

Didn't matter that we all had important plans.

We had to drop everything and come over and hang out with you.

Well, I haven't seen you guys in forever.

It's been a week, you big clingy girl.

All right, it's been a week now, but next thing you know, it's going to be

weeks. I mean, I know you're all moving ahead in your careers, but... Oh, except

you, Lewis. Thank you.

Well, you're trying to get ahead, but at what price?

Oswald, can you tell me the last time you got drunk?

Uh, no, I can't.

That's right.

Now, just tell everybody I'm doing it for their own good.

Look, we don't have time to deal with this now.

Oh. Okay, we do, but I don't want to.

Well, it looks like you got your wish. We're going to be here all night.

Hey, you know something that can help us kill some time? It's Drew's High School

Journal.

Oh, come on. We need the entertainment.

June 15th, 1972.

Met another boy at the pool who also swims in his T -shirt.

Still haven't heard back from Linda Ronstadt.

Wonder if she didn't like the poem.

Poet? The one I wrote on April 7th. It's not in there. It's not in there. Oh,

here it is.

Linda. Eternal Linda by Drew Carey.

As I swim in an ocean of my own tears.

Your voice slices through the eternal blackness of the universe.

I feel your pain.

Cerebellum swells with pain.

Fight for fight.

Love, love, love is all.

Good night, sweet Linda.

P .S. Are you really Mexican?

Hey, get a load of this book.

September 22nd, 1972.

Did it eight times today. Let's see Timmy Anderson top that.

And he never did.

Hey, you said you wanted to hang out together. We're hanging out.

I just realized there are no windows in this room.

I'm feeling claustrophobic. The walls are closing in on me. I can't breathe.

Hey, I found a case of beer.

Wow, the room suddenly got larger.

Look what I found.

My old rich game.

Yeah, I'm not playing.

Come on, it'll be fun.

Hey, I got an idea.

Let's play a drinking game.

Okay, the rules are really simple.

Every time one of us takes a sip, we all take a sip.

What do you think? Come on!

I got an idea.

Jeremiah was a bullfrog.

What's your idea?

I don't want to play risk.

I never understood a single word he said.

But I helped him drink his wine.

Yes, he always had a mighty fine line.

He was saying joy to the world.

All the boys and girls around.

Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea.

And joy to you and me.

Let's all go to the line.

Wow, it's six o 'clock in the morning already.

Hey! Hey!

Get out of here!

Oh, my God, did you hear that?

What could scare away vicious dogs like that?

God, you're here. We were trapped down here by those damn dogs.

We spent all night waiting for you, wearing nothing but this fur coat.

So death wasn't the end of their suffering.

Let's go, Steve. I want to get you home.

Sorry to treat you guys. I just wanted us to hang out together. Yeah, forget

So I'll see you guys here next Saturday night? Oh, sure.

Really? Saturday?

Oh, yeah. My career can wait.

You know, I'm 42 years old. Where's the fire?

Louis Koniski presents Bobo the Tap -Dancing Monkey.

Good, Bobo. Good. And heel. And toe. And smile. And energy.

No. No flashbulbs.