Original subtitles

Hey, Drew.

Hey. I heard you're talking about getting a DVD player, so I got you your

movie.

Female Baldness, The Secret Chain.

Yeah, you get to Blockbuster a minute after 8 o 'clock and there's nothing.

Well, I'm glad you didn't spend any money because I'm not getting a DVD

Why not?

You're making all this money as co -manager. You should treat yourself to

something nice. I did. Check it out.

What's that?

Top of the line police scanner.

I started listening to these when I was a security guard and I got so hooked.

You just can't believe how exciting these things get.

We got a report of an elderly woman urinating on the steps of the

What do you want to do about it? Over.

Just leave her alone.

Well, that's the last time I have a picnic on the courthouse steps, I'll

you that.

We have a report of a sad, lonely man who just wasted $300.

Over.

Code 33.

Interfering with the spawning of famine.

Oh, it's a fishing game manual.

Jerry, you know, I think Lewis and Oswald are at the Warsaw.

Oh, hey, kill the scuckbox. Let's rock and roll.

Oh, man, you know what?

They don't really like civilians hanging around at crime scenes.

But, hey, you know, you're with me. It'll be all right.

Sorry.

Hey, hey, did you guys see the Code 33 in progress?

Yeah, we saw everything.

Wow.

What's a Code 33?

From what I saw, it's one drunk grabbing another drunk's nose.

I'll tell you what, I'm going to go see if they need any CA.

It's civilian assistance.

And I got to go move the car.

When we pulled up, Starsky over there skidded into a handicapped spot, jumped

out the window, and slid across the hood.

I'm ready to go home. You ready, honey?

Yep. Let's go.

Hey, come in here, nurse. How about when we get home, you go on mole patrol on

my back?

Maybe you could go on kiss patrol on my ass.

I'm kidding.

I'd love to.

Oswald, we need to talk.

What is it?

Look, I know Lewis is your best friend, but we're never alone.

And to be honest, I think he's a little creepy.

Ah, that's just an act. Really, he's the sweetest guy in the world. Besides, if

we hurt his feelings, he could go berserk and kill a bunch of people.

Look, if our relationship's going to get to the next level, we need some time

alone. Why don't you let me talk to him?

All right, but only because I think the next level is sex.

Lewis, can I talk to you about something?

Oh, I saw this coming.

Look, I can't be in a threesome with you and Oswald.

It would affect my relationship with him, but I'd be happy to watch.

Lewis, you're a great guy, but Oswald and I are in a relationship and we need

little... Alone time.

No, I don't want to be the third wheel.

I've been one of those.

Every vacation my mom had stayed with my dad. If you'd had the guts to leave him

in the woods, we could have gone someplace nice.

It's all a thing. If you need any help or anything, I'm kind of a cop.

We know I was a security guard for two weeks.

But I was armed, you know. And I have a scanner at home.

Badge came with it, but I'm not wearing it right now.

All right, you finish up with these guys. I'll handle this one.

Oh, I'm sorry. You're just trying to do your job, and here I am bugging you.

You're not bugging me.

What's your name?

Drew Carey, male, Caucasian, 42, single.

That's cute.

Look, I gotta be honest with you. The guys I usually go out with are really

-looking.

But they always turn out to be jerks, so maybe I should try somebody like you.

Oh, so you want to go slumming, huh?

Welcome to the ghetto, baby.

Great.

Saturday night, pick up at 7? Sure. Let me give you my address.

No, I got your name.

I'll find it.

Oh, you know, if you're going to run my rap sheet and all that, I got arrested

once for dancing nude in the bar, and I also had an illegal brewery in my

garage.

Drugs in my house. I had a trunk full of guns once.

Oh, hey, what am I doing? Better say something for the carriage ride around

park.

All this energy calling me.

Back where it comes from.

It's such a crude...

Ohio!

Ohio! Ohio!

Mimi, I finished with the Henderson file.

How do you feel about what I've done with it?

Another origami bird.

Hey, I've got some origami for you, too. Enough with the birds!

It helps keep my mind off drinking.

Beautiful, wonderful drinking.

Gin, vodka, scotch, the sweet froth of beer as it caresses the back of my

throat.

I don't...

Don't fold yourself a rubber rule.

I appreciate it, Mimi.

Oh, how I could thank you if I was still drinking.

Hey, pig. Thought I smelled bacon.

Pig? You talking to me?

Oh, whoa.

Uh, Tim, he's the pig.

Oh, you mean my boyfriend.

Oh, uh, sorry.

Officer?

Drew, tell her all about that good -natured ribbing we have between us.

Shoot her.

That's so funny.

If you haven't seen him naked yet, save a bullet for yourself.

tonight. How about we go grab some Thai food? Well, you know I don't like Thai

food.

You know I love it.

Yeah, but can't we just do something I want to do for once?

Drew, do I have to go back to dating good -looking guys? No, no, don't keep

on me. Give me another chance.

That's better.

You know, if you'd smoke, too, my cigarettes wouldn't bother you so much.

Yeah, you know, every New Year's Eve, I tell myself I'm going to start smoking,

but... Hey, Lewis. Hey, Marla. Hey, I got a question for you.

If you find an arm in the woods, can you keep it?

No. Of course not.

How about the watch on the arm?

Oh, you just get weirder every time I see you.

Hey, man. I heard Oswald kicked you out of the house.

Hey, he didn't kick me out, okay? Him and Colleen just needed their privacy,

which I completely understand.

Well, it must be rough for you now that everybody's got a girlfriend but you.

Hey, what happened to that nice woman your mom set you up with? Yeah, she died

in the table while she was getting her stomach stapled.

I didn't think it was that dangerous an operation.

Yeah, it is when you're 62.

Kind of sad, though. She was just vested at McDonald's.

Oh, that's why she needed the... Yeah. Oh.

You poor guy.

I feel sorry for you. Why don't you come live with me?

Hey, don't feel sorry for me, okay? That dead old fat lady wasn't the only iron

I had in the fire.

I actually met this really great woman.

Really? Yeah. Now that me and Oswald are hanging out so much, I actually have

time to meet other people.

What's she like?

Well, her name's Cappy, and she works at Drug Co. in the transplant department.

This year, she's growing testicles in the backs of mice.

Hate to see that caught in a mousetrap.

Needless to say, when she comes home after a hard day of nut farming, she's

ready to go.

Well, I'm glad it's going good for somebody.

I'm going to have to break up with Marla.

That's too bad. Why is she breaking up with you?

No, she's not. I'm breaking up with her.

Yeah, that's what I thought you said, but it didn't make any damn sense.

I know what you're thinking, but, you know, she's good -looking, but looks

aren't everything.

What are you, crazy?

I ought to beat some sense in you with that arm I found today.

No, no, you don't understand. She's really obnoxious. Everything has to be

way. She... I'm allergic to her cat. She smells like a chimney.

Oh, poor baby. There's a speck of dust on your diamond.

What are you breaking up with her? Well, I don't know, but it's got to be after

tomorrow. I'm taking a ride in her squad car.

Oh. Going to take a ride in her squad car, huh?

No, no.

I'm just... It's a ride in her...

Your squad cut.

Oh, I thought you meant her squad cut.

Boy, it sure is a slow night.

Normally there's a dead hooker, a couple of knifings.

I'm really sorry, Drew.

Why don't you buy the trailer park? I'd settle for some domestic abuse at this

point.

Oh, hey, the Cavs are playing L .A. next week.

I was thinking about shaking down a scalper and picking up a couple of

You know, an early Valentine's Day present for you.

Oh, yeah, Valentine's Day is coming up.

Hey, you know, maybe we shouldn't make any plans.

Why not?

Well, because, you know, things change and stuff.

What do you mean, things change?

Well, I didn't want to talk about this until later, but... Hold on.

What's going on?

I've got to get a taillight out. I've got to check it out.

Hey, can I tell him to stay in his car?

Again? What are you, five?

I let you off a month ago with a warning because you said you'd fix it.

You disappointed me.

I hated when people...

you wheezing?

My lungs are swollen with love for you, my sweet.

Well, I gotta get ready for the date. You know, Marlo hates to be kept

Marlo? I thought you were gonna break up with her.

I was gonna, but I didn't.

Don't worry, it's not that big of a deal.

Drug Co., you know, Drew, we never submitted any of these for FDA approval.

Why not?

Way too many dead monkeys.

Hey, everybody.

Drew, stop taking pills. I have the answer to your allergies right in this

Isn't that a bowling bag?

Yeah, but everything inside it is real medical stuff. I got it from the

today where I'm interning as a nurse's aide.

There's no way in hell I'm letting you stick me with a needle.

Well, I, for one, am bored and would like to see that.

Relax, Leah. I spent all day yesterday practicing injecting drugs into an

orange. I learned something really important.

Never eat your practice orange.

I had convulsions for three hours.

The doctors were amazed I didn't have brain damage.

Okay, roll up that sleeve. I'm going to give you that shot.

Forget it.

Don't worry, Drew. You'll be okay.

I've got it under control. I know what I'm doing.

Everything's going to be just fine.

It better be.

You know, I had convulsions for three hours.

Doctors were amazed I did not have brain damage.

Okay, roll up that sleeve. I'm going to give you that shot.

Are you in pain? I could give you a shot for pain. All right,

put that away.

for someone you care about, but this is crazy.

Hey, you don't know what she's capable of.

You should see what she did to that guy. She stopped.

That was only for a broken tail. I imagine what if I broke up with her. I

know what she'd do to me. Drew, the longer you put this off, the harder it's

going to get.

Yeah, I guess you're right. I just never broke up with anybody that owned a gun

before.

I wonder how J -Lo did it.

Well, I better get out of here.

Colleen and I are going to the movies.

Hey, Lewis, you want to go?

Well, thanks anyway, but I got another date with Kathy. As a matter of fact, I

might just end up staying over at her place again tonight.

Wow, things are moving kind of fast, huh?

Well, we're 40, the music's stopping, and we both want a chair.

Bye -bye.

See you later. Okay, so long.

Listen, I'm probably going to break up with her right now. So I really

appreciate if you guys stuck around and gave me a little support.

Hey, Drew.

Hey.

Oh, that was nice.

What do you say we head on over to my place so I can change and we can go grab

some Thai food?

I'm not really in the mood for Thai. You know, we could do it. We could break up

and not see each other anymore.

What?

Yeah, you know, another time this might have worked out, but I'm not really at

the point in my life where I can make a commitment, you know, to someone who

scares the living crap out of me.

You can't break up with me.

Why not?

No one breaks up with me.

I call the shots, and I'm not through with you yet.

What are you looking towards me for? I'm your past. Your future's over that way.

Oh, I wouldn't get too attached to the future, Joe.

What? What is that, a threat?

Well, it all depends on what you think I'm capable of.

Hey, whoa, hey, listen.

Hey, I'm going to call a police.

Yeah, so then they could stand around and laugh while you beat the crap out of

me.

Remember the guy I arrested last night? Yeah.

Well, he just broke a taillight.

You broke my heart.

See you later.

Jeez, I almost forgot.

But you made one mistake.

You should have finished the job!

Oh, you poor

thing. Are you feeling okay?

No. Kiss my boo -boo.

What were you doing at Drew's house? I thought you were sleeping at your

girlfriend's house.

He was sleeping in my basement.

I made up Kathy so you'd have more time to spend alone with Colleen.

Oh, man.

Well, thanks very much, but why didn't you just tell us?

Coll... Everybody had a girlfriend but him.

And?

I didn't want anybody feeling sorry for me.

Oh, Lewis.

No one expects you to have a girlfriend.

I heard on the radio that there was a shooting at your house.

What happened?

He shot me.

I'm not going to press charges. He just shot me in the leg.

But next time if he shoots me in the brain or the heart, I'm definitely going

have something to say about it.

You shot your best friend?

I only shot him because I thought it was you.

Oh, my God. You're nuts.

Well, you made me nuts.

Hey, you know what? I was just trying to cover the hurt after you rejected me.

But you were trying to kill me.

Hey, listen.

I'm crazy.

You're crazy. Why don't we just...

I'll just agree to stalk other people for a while, see how it works.

Fine. Back to good -looking guys, I guess.

Just as well.

You're a lousy shot and you smoke like a girl.

Well, it works.

She's gone.

You know what, Drew?

Maybe it's just the drugs talking.

But women are like streetcars.

They're big and they have a bell that goes clang, clang, clang.

to change your dressing. Okay.

Wait a minute. I don't know if I'm comfortable with you seeing him down

Oh, honey, don't worry. I've already seen him. I bathed and shaved him before

surgery.

You've seen his before you've seen mine?

For heaven's sakes, Oswald, I'm a nurse. I'm just doing my job.

She's a professional. Grow up.

She's got work to do. You've got to leave.

I'm sorry.

Okay. Light a candle and put our song in the boom box, baby.

And use the rough sponge.

Daddy likes it rough.