Original subtitles

Hey, everybody, don't forget, after you sign up, here's the line where you can

get your baby's picture taken for the program.

Excuse me.

You know, this is the beautiful baby contest, right?

That's your 20 bucks.

Not a bad turnout.

Good idea, having this baby competition to promote the new baby wear department,

Kerry. Thank you, sir.

Still going to be a judge for the contest?

No, even better. I'm going to be the master of ceremonies.

I love babies, and I've always gotten along rather well with them.

Excuse me, I'm Nigel Wick, and you are?

And you are?

Someone who obviously thinks they're better than me because of my humble

beginnings. Well, let me tell you something, Mr. Baby. You've made an

today. Big mistake.

Hey, bro.

Hey. You know what? I think your nephew is a shoo -in for this contest.

Yeah, he's a good looking now. But don't forget that Mimi Jean. Way to go off on

him like a time bomb.

Oh, and there's the thing that fell out of God's nose.

That's the thing from Monaco. They told me you would die.

Bad news, Mimi. I couldn't find a babysitter for this weekend.

Uh, hey, I'm not doing anything this weekend.

Did you ask Marcy?

She's pregnant.

So? Well, that's really hard on a 12 -year -old.

What about Drew?

He was a little creepy.

He was a little worse. Just sad, drunk.

Worked like a back of crap.

She doesn't want to impose.

Come on.

I've been asking you to babysit for over a year now, and you always come up with

some excuse.

You can't keep me away from him forever.

Well, you know, that sounded a lot more threatening than I meant it to be.

I bet you haven't noticed, Dave, these long years we've known each other, but I

hate you.

What, are you going to love someone to let him watch your baby?

Forget it.

Just call the bed and breakfast and cancel.

No.

What?

Drew's family, and he's going to watch King Gus.

Besides, you and I need some time together, just the two of us.

I want to make love to you without our screams waking the baby.

You know, her screams I never understood. Yours I get.

All right.

You've got one chance, but if anything goes wrong, if one hair on that baby's

head is... Relax.

Go to your bed and breakfast. Have a good time.

For Steve's sake, I hope they have a hell of a breakfast.

Hey, guys, look what we got.

Oh, baby.

You know, I always thought that treason would be your first death penalty crime.

No, you know my girlfriend Colleen? It's her nephew. We're entering him in the

contest. What for?

We need the cash to buy new heating ducts. We fell through the old ones

Mission Impossible.

You know, most guys, if they need extra money, they get a part -time job, work a

little overtime. At the very least... They don't crawl through the heating

playing Mission Impossible.

First of all, you shouldn't be holding a live baby.

Oh, too late.

Super baby.

Spider baby.

Baby on the moon.

It's like watching an amateur chainsaw juggler.

So there's the competition, huh?

Just steal it away from the mommy gorilla.

baby's cute, he can beat that pug -nosed melonhead any day of the week.

Nobody calls my kid a melonhead. We just did, melonhead.

I'd rather be a melonhead than a doody head.

Oh, yeah, real mature.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Guys, better work on your insults. You know, Little League's

only a few years away.

It's got you clued.

That's your mama.

See?

I'm not asking you to like it. I just want you to admit it. Come on, mama.

Do you really need all this child -proofing stuff?

I mean, I like babies and the next person, but if this is what it takes to

them along, well, I just don't know.

Nothing goes wrong.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm trying to get Mimi's butt by teaching him

something new.

I only got a half hour left. Come on.

Come on, buddy.

See mama.

Look at mama.

My dog can flush the toilet.

Hey. Hi.

Hey, this is a good idea.

We should drunk -proof our house, too.

For me, it's for the baby.

Oh, wow.

You know, if you put them in rehab, you wouldn't need all this stuff.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, they're all adorable.

But the reason we're gonna win is because we got something extra.

Yeah, here's what we're thinking.

Now, people love music, right?

Babies love to cry.

So you put the two together.

What do you get?

The newborn blues.

I'm a little bitty baby.

That ain't no boy.

My bottle's empty, but my diaper is full.

What do you think?

Thank you for not making it a rap number.

You know, come to think of it, maybe this isn't such a good idea. I mean,

only real talent here is wearing sunglasses.

which is really just having a nose.

I need to come up with a new gimmick, but something simple. We've only got a

hours to the pageant.

Hey. Huh?

How about if we teach him to play checkers against a chicken?

Hey, uh, didn't Rowdy play checkers against a chicken and beat him?

Then he should beat me in checkers.

Inside, and he'll beat you at checkers. Okay.

See you later, loser.

If that's any indication, Gus, you've got this pageant in the bag.

What's this?

Oh, it's so cute, Drew. You've got a little fire hydrant to chew on.

Oh, hey.

It's a baby dog toy. Can you find a baby disinfectant wipeser in the bathroom?

Hey, buddy.

How many times do I got to tell you this?

It's a dog toy.

This.

A baby toy.

No, it's baby proof. It'll be right there.

Hey, it's okay.

All you have to do is press the thing down.

It opens right up. See?

We've got a baby proofing door.

Why is it baby proofed on the inside?

Okay, there's a logic to this. Now, say I have to go to the bathroom, right?

Naturally, I'm going to bring the baby with me.

And let's say I die in the toilet. Could happen.

House catches on fire, the baby is safe right in this room.

In a burning house with a corpse.

You can make anything sound stupid by, you know, repeating it.

Oh, stupid thing. All these stupid things.

Can you believe this stupid piece of crap?

and everything's a quarter, let me tell you.

Quality, our middle name. What a bunch of bunk.

I mean, the 25 -cent bucket of crab's pretty good, but everything else there

blows.

I'm going to have to knock it off. Is there a can of shaving cream or

I can hit it with?

Oh, scented candle, bubble bath, and the Titanic soundtrack.

Sometimes a guy just needs to make the world go away.

What's he doing out there?

I can see him.

He knows it's a long shot.

Hey, Gus!

Get your Uncle Drew a screwdriver!

So upset!

Oh, well, now I guess it's just a waiting game, huh, Drew?

What's going on?

I can't see Speedy or Gus.

wouldn't worry about it. They had a long day. They're probably just lying

together, sacked out.

Hey, he's just riding the dog.

He gets one

scratch on him. I mean, he's never going to let me see him again.

Here, give me something to knock the thing. Give me those tweezers.

Here.

Watch this. Here we go.

Ow!

Ouch!

It's going to take too long. I have to knock the door down.

Right. What? I can knock a door down.

Drew, you have an old person's railing next to your toilet.

Hey, I work hard in here. Sometimes I get a little dizzy.

feel like a big man.

Oh, great.

Smells like beer and dog food and bathroom doors been torn up the hinges.

Questions will be asked.

And then Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill applied pressure until

pair of masks came.

Steve, you back some soup? Look at you three. Aren't you an adorable picture?

Yeah, we're just doing a little reading.

Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty broad, isn't it?

Come here, little buddy. Come here.

And what did you learn from your Uncle Drew this weekend, huh?

Well, he's flipping me the bird.

You know, you teach him to throw a beer bottle, he gets himself a little brown

span.

I can't believe you taught him to give me the bird.

Thanks to you, he can skip kindergarten and go straight to the Navy.

I got locked in the bathroom, and, you know, when I got the door loose finally,

I might have flipped it off for a second or two.

Poor little King Gus.

You know what? He would have flipped you off sooner or later when he realized

the name you stuck him with.

No, I can feel his dirty little finger trying to get out.

You know, Mimi's outside in the car. If she comes in here and finds out what

you've done, she's not going to let you babysit anymore.

Okay, wait, wait, wait. He's only doing it because it's something new. Let's

teach him another gesture.

Let's teach him a thumbs up.

Oh, hey, how about this? How about two thumbs up like the fox?

Yeah, yeah.

That's a good try.

You ready?

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Hey.

I can't believe this swept the nation.

What's taking so long?

Just, uh, good stuff on my way out.

Did you miss your mommy?

Did you see that?

He did a Fonzie.

Oh, Fonzie. A perfectly acceptable gesture, would you say?

It was the cutest thing I ever saw.

Who taught him that? June, I did. Yeah.

Well, you know, I'd like to help out the nephew.

Yeah.

Well, all right.

You did okay. I guess you can babysit again.

Great. Hey.

I guess I'll be seeing you pretty soon, huh, little fella? Yeah.

Why is the bathroom door off the hinges?

Did you ever bite crab at Everything's a Quarter?

And please welcome contestant number eight, Melissa.

Being 30 months out, her turn on mommy, her turn off absence of mommy, isn't

she?

What single mother needs money?

Oh, sorry. Note to myself.

The leader is still baby Hannah.

And our next little baby is Zachary. He's 40 months old with his guardians,

Oswald and Lewis.

And little Zach has a talent.

Ladies and gentlemen, we give you the magical stylings of the infant

illusionist, the amazing...

There's nothing up his sleeve.

There is nothing in his diaper.

We will now pull a rabbit out of a hat.

Believe your eyes.

And now for our final trick, a trick never before attempted by a baby.

Oswald, will you slip the amazing bambini?

into the straitjacket of death.

Please lower the rope.

And the ball of scorpions, please.

Hey, somebody stop them.

Shut up. I want to see this.

Time's up, amazing Bambini.

May we have the judge's decision, please?

hair, but any idiot can buy a bowl of scorpions.

Which brings us to our final contestant, Baby King Gus.

He's walking myself.

His interests are putting shoes in the toilet and the boxes that expensive toys

come in.

And the judge's decision.

And the Winfrey Ladder most beautiful baby is King Gus.

For the mother, a check for $1 ,000.

And for the baby, DVD of the movie Pretty Baby, which I assume is about a

You must be very proud, Mrs. Burbeck. And would you like a photograph with the

camera, little man? Leave him alone.

And what about a pose with the American flag?

great. You're right. Death to the traitor, baby. Give me that.

What are you talking about? You see how upset she is? Mimi, if she finds out

it's me, I'm never going to be able to see Gus again.

Come on, it took me a year just to be able to babysit the kid one.

You know, Drew's right. Mimi's looking for any excuse to keep Drew out of Gus's

life.

Come on, she'll get over it in a day or so.

Look at me.

I might never even have kids.

All right.

Hey, sorry about the contest, Steve. You guys got robbed. Yeah, but don't worry.

There's always next year.

Hey, do you think we could teach a baby to shoot an apple off my head with a

crossbow?

What have we got to lose?

Hey, Amy.

I hear Steve's taking her to dinner and the racetrack tonight.

Hey, if you're just the racetrack first, you'll run faster.

Yeah, yeah, you're a pig, I'm a horse.

What are we doing here?

I'm with you.

Well, how would you like it if because of you, your kid flipped off the flag?

Mimi, that was a week ago.

I don't think you understand.

You probably don't know this if you look at me, but my parents weren't the

classiest people in the world.

Well, the trucker and the adult bookstore owner? Get out of here.

Anyway, I promised myself that I would bring guts up better. And here it is

almost a year now, and I'm just doing work.

Here.

We'll be back about 11.

Hey, Mimi.

Gus didn't, uh... Gus didn't get that from you. He got it from me.

He did?

I don't believe this.

And for a whole week, you let me think that I was a bad mother?

Yeah, I was afraid if you thought it was me, you wouldn't let me babysit Gus

anymore. Well, you're right.

Because you're never babysitting him again.

Come on, that's no fair. You did it in front of him, too.

I had an excuse.

I was late for a movie, and I got stuck behind a funeral procession.

Get out of here. Don't go.

We're going to the racetrack.

Mama.

My God.

He said his first word.

Mama.

That's right, honey.

I'm your mama. I taught him that. I taught him that. I taught him that last

week.

You did? You taught him his first word? Mama?

Yeah. I wanted you to think I was a good influence on him.

Oh.

Mama.

Well, you know what? I can't take Gus to the track because...

He's allergic to... Horses? Yeah.

Would you mind watching him tonight? I'd love to.

Okay.

My buddy.

Bye -bye.

Bye -bye. Can you say bye -bye? Bye -bye. Bye -bye.

If you have four fingers on that, it's a wave.

Can I wear a better helmet? It just makes him nervous.

Okay, now hurry up. It's almost time for your bath.

Maybe you don't need a bath.

Okay,

fire.

Whose cat is that?

It's God's cat now.