Original subtitles

Morning, Mimi. Morning, sir.

Morning, Mimi.

Morning.

You know, I'm co -manager now, so, uh, good morning what?

Morning, sir.

Cause freak.

I don't have a fish to reward you with.

Oh, this looks ridiculous.

That should be faith in each other.

Fine. You want your back to the door? No.

Well, neither do I. You'll be undignified.

Oh,

damn.

Mimi, I did it again.

Thank you.

By the way, sir... I got you a little gift to celebrate three weeks of

and to show you that life can be just as fun without alcohol.

A yo -yo and a book about art. Thank you very much.

If I'm wrong and life sucks without booze, you can jump off the book and

yourself at the yo -yo.

Look at this.

It's my first big memo from Winford Lauder to Drew Carey, co -manager. I

I'm going to have this friend.

What does it say?

Oh, my God.

They're closing the store.

Man, for a first memo, this blows.

Oh, my God, they can't find a new buyer.

That's it, it's over.

Let the looting begin.

Well, I see you got the memo.

Actually, no, I was... Oh, wait a minute, the store's closing. What does

matter if I insult a member of the board? Yes, I'm stealing the place

that puts a so -many -men -so -little -time bumper sticker on your car.

We have one chance to keep this store open. A British conglomerate is

considering buying this place, but they're on the fence.

We need our top management, and believe it or not, that's you two, to convince

them this is a good investment.

Us? You mean just us?

Yes. Now, the meeting is tomorrow morning, but I want you to meet the head

this conglomerate right now.

no need to make quite so much of a to -do.

Making less of a to -do!

Making less of a to -do!

Uh, Lord Mercer, I would like you to meet Nigel Wick and Drew Carey, our co

-managers. Nice to meet you. I say, is that a Stony Brook Academy ring?

Yes, class of 74.

Oh, class of 78!

A Stony Brook, a Stony Brook, with young men of wealth.

Ah, Mr. Carrier. Can't help noticing your colors. Are you a Cambridge man?

Uh, no. Actually, I'm a Dockers man.

Now, can I show you around the sales floor, sir?

Yes, I'll look forward to seeing you at the meeting tomorrow, Nigel. Yeah, yeah,

it's only good.

Yeah, I think he likes me.

Oh, don't take it personally. We're English. We don't even touch our

for God's sake.

Still, this looks like trouble.

Oh, no. Everything's going to be fine. Why don't you leave it all to me? I can

handle this.

Why don't you close your eyes and envisage a successful meeting tomorrow?

Go on, close your eyes.

Like this?

Yeah. Is it working?

This really works. Hey, you learn this little trick in rehab?

Yes, yes, I do.

Back where it comes from.

It's such a crude attitude.

It's back where it belongs.

All the little chicks will be crimson.

That was a spectacular spa, teenager.

Hey, Drew, turn off your headlights.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, God, what are the odds of Carrie coming into this place?

You know, I really shouldn't be here. I got that big meeting tomorrow.

Drew, you're totally prepared. If you don't relax, you're not going to do

Well, I'm just worried about the guy liking me. You know, if they sell the

store, he knows where it might end up.

Okay, guys, first round's on me.

I said first round's on me.

Hey, Tim, a round of beers over here, please?

Sure yourself. I'm on the phone with my mom trying to work out some boundaries.

Oh.

Excuse me, I'm meeting some friends. Can I get three beers for that table over

there? I'm sorry, I'm not the bartender.

Oh, hi.

Well, um, you know I don't work here, but I'd be happy to buy you some beer.

I didn't want to do this, but I could cash the check that my grandma sent me

my birthday.

No. I don't want to take money you got from your grandma.

Oh, no, that's all right. She doesn't need it anyway. She hardly goes out at

anymore. She's got this big swollen thing on her neck.

Sounds painful.

It is. You don't know where to look.

You know, you remind me of that big swollen thing.

I can't take my eyes off you.

You set off my creepy alarm.

Thanks anyway for the beer, but I've got to go.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. I'm not creepy.

That's my friend Lewis here. We live together in the park.

Your receipts do amaze me.

Women would rather run out alone into a dark parking lot than take their chances

in a well -lit bar with us.

I think I can find her. I know her name. It was on her badge. It's Colleen O

'Reilly Earn.

Yeah, her last name is spelled R -N.

I guess she's Vietnamese or something.

She was wearing nurses' scrubs.

You don't think perhaps there's any chance that R -N could stand for, oh, I

don't know, registered nurse?

Are you proving how smart you are or how stupid I am? Think about that.

Good luck, Oswald. I got to go get ready for my meeting tomorrow with Lord

Mercer. Now I got two lords that don't like me.

All right. Looks like we got... That's a dude.

Look at you. You're drunk.

How are you going to get ready for that meeting tomorrow?

That's a good question.

But I have a question for you.

How come...

Hand smells like cabbage when I haven't had any for four days.

I'm going to drive you home and I'm going to let you sleep it off. Maybe

be ready tomorrow.

I'm picking you up at 8 o 'clock tomorrow, okay? 8 o 'clock, sharp.

Way to dodge the cabbage question.

Which brings us to proposal number four.

A restaurant on the top of Winterladder. Not just any restaurant, the nicest

restaurant. Cleveland.

It'll really get people talking.

Because the only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.

Said your very own Oscar Mayer.

You mean Oscar Wilde. What'd I say?

Oscar Mayer.

Oh!

Sorry, I must be getting close to lunchtime.

Why don't you let me take it from here, okay?

My God, you stink of gin.

Have you been drinking? You were sober when we came in this morning.

You know when I went onto the table to, you know, get my pencil and to tie my

shoelaces and to feel the carpet?

I have a bag of gin strapped to my ankle which I drink through a straw.

You know, that is very unprofessional. We could blow the whole deal over this.

Will you relax, Gary?

I'm in the zone.

My ankle bag broke.

My shoe's filling up. Wait, let me drink this.

Excuse me, gentlemen. Mr. Wick just informed me that he's just taken ill. So

we'll just have to soldier on without him, okay?

Well, no offense, Carrie, but we feel more comfortable with Wick. Why don't we

just adjourn this till tomorrow?

No, no, no. We can do this without Wick. I mean, I know we got off on the wrong

foot, but we're not so different, you and I, huh? I mean, we both put our

on one leg at a time, huh?

My man -servant, Mr.

Kingsley, puts mine on.

Wow.

I got a guy like that, but he only pulls my pants off.

We could be there eight in the morning.

Excuse me, uh... Excuse me, I hate to

disturb you while you're resting, but they told me downstairs I could find a

nurse named Colleen up here.

What are you doing here?

Oh, hi. I was just visiting my sick friend here.

He was telling me what a great nurse you are.

Really? Yeah.

I'm glad you did, Bob, you big liar.

Look, I'm sure you're a really nice guy, but frankly, you're a little... Creepy?

Well, you were creepy until you came after me. Now you're stalking.

No, no, no. Look, I completely understand. My name is Oswald.

I know you're totally out of my league, but if you just give me five minutes,

and then if you want me to leave, then you'll never see me again.

Okay. I'll be right back. Okay.

I don't know.

Doctor, you've been saving lives all night. You've got to get some rest.

I'll nap when Mr. Death takes a nap.

Now stand aside.

No, no, Doctor, it's too late.

I'll show you too late.

I kind of got bored, so I brought him back to life.

I hope that's cool.

Which means a 12 % a year growth for the whole

decade. And I don't have to tell you how great that is to a brilliant man like

you with unimaginable talent.

Tiny perfect ears.

Well, for heaven's sake, Carey, stop sucking up and just tell me man to man

I should buy Winfred Lauda.

Excuse me while I confer with my colleague.

You think something worthless, drunk?

Give me a drink, I'll drink something. I'm not giving booze to an alcoholic.

It's a sign.

Somebody up there wants me hammered.

Excuse me. Did you order this?

Yes, I had hoped we could seal the deal with a toast, but it's not looking very

promising, is it?

Gentlemen, I think we've heard enough.

Okay, okay.

You know, opening a new business venture is a lot like opening

a bottle of single malt 45 -year -old scotch.

You pour your resources into the store, and the customer lines up.

To drink the product.

Who'd like to be the first customer? Me.

Oh, wow.

Let

me

tell you something, gentlemen.

This is the only reason we shouldn't bomb Scotland off the map.

Let me tell you why you should buy this store.

I've lived amongst these heathen savages for five years now, and let me tell

you, we're no match for two Englishmen with a dream.

We did it in India.

We did it in Africa.

By God, we'll do it in Cleveland.

We're a great partnership, you and I.

Actually, I feel kind of guilty.

Are you still here? I was talking to the drink.

night with you.

Drew, what's going on? I had to let him get drunk to get through a business

meeting and it worked.

I was wonderful.

So you were supposed to send him to rehab and instead you let him get

I was desperate.

The meeting wasn't going anywhere and he can't do anything sober.

He's better drunk.

He's bombed.

James bombed.

Take it into rehab first thing in the morning.

That's more important than anything that happens at the store.

I thought you said the meeting went okay.

It did.

They can't sign a contract yet. They want to sign it at a cocktail party.

You know why? Because Wick's an alcoholic and God is playing tape away

happiness.

Look, Drew, this may sound a little harsh.

but I say you lock Wick in your basement until the party with just enough booze

to get him through the night, and then when you're done using him, take him to

rehab.

Well, you got a lot meaner since your hair fell out.

Sure, you're being a jerk to Wick, but at least the store stays open and 300

people keep their jobs.

Hey, guys, guess what? I had coffee with that pretty nurse, and man, not only is

she beautiful, she's kind and caring like an ugly woman.

I thought she hated you. She did until I brought this guy back from the dead.

It was really incredible. I was just playing with the paddles at the

and I actually brought the guy back. I've never felt so good.

Wow. That's really amazing, Oswald. Good for you, man. Oh, thanks.

You know that you should never, ever play with a corpse again, don't you?

No, I think I'm going to be playing with a lot of corpses.

I've decided I want to be a nurse.

I'm kidding.

Could someone take me to the bathroom?

I think I'm going to be sick.

Nurse?

So, how's Mr. Wick doing?

So far, so good. I think he has just the right amount of booze in him.

Glass of Merlot, please.

That's nice.

They keep it from nibbling on your stitches?

Do you have any club soda?

No. Good.

I need some medicine. I think my blood charm level

is getting dangerously low.

That's all you get for now. Go work your magic.

I can't believe Terry here talked me into throwing a party in his house.

It's cold, the food is bad, and the women are ugly.

Hey, they're British. We're just trying to make them feel at home.

Gentlemen, as we head into this endeavor in America, I think it's appropriate

that we take a moment and remember our brothers.

Most. In the Revolutionary War.

Yeah, yeah.

Wow. Three heart attacks before you were 40.

You know, I highly advise you staying away from that sausage.

Oh, are you a doctor?

No. I'm a guy who'd like a piece of sausage.

Oh, Mr.

Starkey! I need to have a conversation with you in the kitchen when you...

you're looking into the liver room. Excuse me? You stand there like that,

then you're looking over there, and you go, oh, sod it, give me a drink.

God!

That's apple juice!

What are you trying to do, man? Kill me?

Are you drunk, man?

Oh, well, maybe this will answer your question.

Get up, you girl!

Oh, my God!

What's going on?

It was perfectly simple. I punched him in the face. Like this.

A way to ruin everything.

Let me get him into a chair.

He's in shock. We better not move him.

Yes, but I don't suppose I have to tell you. The deal is off now. If you'll

excuse me, I'm going to arrange for a doctor.

Way to go.

Well, I'll tell you, it made me think twice about ever giving booze to an

alcoholic again. I'll tell you that.

Just get the address and tell him to hurry.

Lord Mercer, I'm so sorry.

Listen, the truth is, Mr. Wick's an alcoholic, and he should be in rehab,

we've been letting him drink just so we could close this deal.

My God, you really did that?

Yes, we will.

That is absolutely...

Brilliant. What?

I thought you were just some pasty -faced pucker.

But by God, if you could do something like that, maybe you are capable of

running our latest acquisition.

Are you kidding me?

I poisoned my father to become CEO.

Just as he poisoned his father, then his father before him.

And if one day I'm blessed with a son, God willing, he'll poison me.

I hope so too, sir.

Oh, my God.

He had another heart attack. He's dead? Stand back.